


Like Stone

by Cornerofmadness



Category: Angel: the Series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:49:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 124,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18791479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cornerofmadness/pseuds/Cornerofmadness
Summary: Twenty years after the battle with the First and the aftermath of Jasmine’s reign, life still isn’t easy for Buffy and Angel and their friends and family. Connor has been on the outside of his father’s life for years and isn’t particularly happy to be brought back in when Dawn shows up in L.A. with a case that requires his attention. But that is just the beginning of the badness threatening to swallow them all whole.





	1. Connor

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** \- As always, Joss owns all characters. The only thing I own are the few OC’s you’ll see in here. Lyrics, poetry and prose will be marked appropriately so we’ll all know who owns them. In all cases, it’s not me.
> 
>  **Timeline** – 20 years post series ending.
> 
>  **Pairings:** technically gen fic but does contain Buffy/Angel, mentions of Buffy/Spike, original pairings for Spike, Dawn, Willow and Xander, Lindsey/Kate, Gunn/Gwen, mentions of Connor/Kate, Connor/Faith and Connor/original character and a fling for Connor & Dawn.
> 
>  **Author’s Note** –Since this was started in in 2003, it was written before season five of _Angel_ and before any of the comic book canon so it’s an alternative reality story (which is why Connor has a different last name. _Origins_ hadn’t aired yet). I’m also amused that I predicted the return of the _X-Files_ back then. I almost changed the show’s name here but decided to leave the show title as I had it back in 2003. Thanks to evil_little_dog and rahirahi for betaing at least a part of this fan novel. To be honest as of this publishing I have NOT used rahirah’s edits because I’m pressed for time but I will. And a big thanks to AfterIwake for the two soundtracks and art for this. I love it and you need to check it out! You can find them [ here](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/WIPBigBang2019/works/20523830)
> 
> **Author’s Note #2** Things Andrew did in _Dead Things_ (namely the attempted gang rape of Warren’s girlfriend and her murder) and other murder/attempted murders in canon, guaranteed this was not a character I liked because he never paid a price for that. There are scenes were some of the characters are equally not okay with him later in this story.

_Sorrow is held the eldest child of sin._  
**John Webster - Duchess of Malfi**

Chapter One – CONNOR  
_Please could you stay awhile to share my grief  
For its such a lovely day  
To have to always feel this way  
And the time that I will suffer less  
Is when I never have to wake   
Wandering stars, for whom it is reserved  
The blackness of darkness forever _  
**Wandering Stars -Portishead**

 

The sound of crushing bone, a distinctive visceral noise, could make your guts clench. I felt the give of tissue and bone under my hands, and it woke me up. The room reeked of fear and sweat. I tore the clammy sheets away from me and rolled to my feet. Ever since I was nineteen years old, the bone-crunching dream had stalked my resting hours. A little over twenty solid years of nightmares and still counting. One would think I’d find expiation by now. Expiation, listen to me. You’d think I was some genius instead of a demon hybrid raised uneducated in hell. That’s the real bitch of it. When Dad’s soul-bought spell broke twenty years ago, less than two years after purchase, everything went back the way it should be. Everyone remembered Connor Angel once more, and I was no longer Connor Connolly, top of his class in conservation biology, older brother to two happy sisters and boyfriend to Amber Rose who had been left raped and beaten to death by the fountain in the campus quad. That Connor faded away like he never existed, and well, he hadn’t. Only I remembered being that boy, his family, his loves and hates. His Amber Rose. Amber Rose, the red-headed girl who changed everything.

I went out onto my back porch, letting the breeze caress my perspiration-slick body, trying to give Amber Rose back to the night. Story of my life, really. When things go unbelievably bad, there’s a woman involved. It wasn’t their fault. I had nothing but respect for women. I think it’s more a case of the sins of the father being visited on the son. Dad had no luck with women. After spending his youth whoring around, fathering who knows how many bastards and somehow avoiding syphilis, he got killed in an alley by, appropriately enough, a one-time syphilitic prostitute, dear old Mom. Then came the Romani girl who led to his curse and I can’t leave out Buffy, simultaneous salvation and ruination. And let’s not forget Cordelia, who damn near destroyed us both. But I think that came of the demon-ness that was added to her, that and her own ambitions to help the world. Plenty of hubris, always leads to one hell of a fall. 

God, Cordy’s been gone seventeen years now. It wasn’t hard to evoke her in my mind. A picture of her hung in my bedroom. Kate always complained about how sterile my little townhouse is. Maybe spending half my life in hell on the run made some kind of barrier in my mind when it comes to decorating. The only photos I had on display were the ones in my bedroom; one of me and my partner, Nami, on a boat, one of me and Nami’s kids who are my godchildren, two of Amber Rose and myself and one of Cordy. My den is covered in photos but they aren’t decoration, and I never allow guests in there. 

The picture of Cordy wasn’t the Cordy I knew. She was younger, though not by much. Her hair was long, dark and complimentary of her beautiful skin. She had just a bit more weight in all the right places. I had stolen the picture from the Hyperion. I knew Angel would have given it to me but I couldn’t ask for it. I couldn’t ask for anything from him. 

Cordy never recovered from our daughter’s birth. Her mind hadn’t been repairable. Wolfram and Hart had only been keeping her alive for her potential to breed beings of power thanks to the demon-ness spliced into her. Dad had realized Wolfram and Hart’s deceit even before I came back to myself, probably because Cordy turned up pregnant at the nursing home they kept her in. She lost that monstrosity. She was spirited away when Dad and the others tried to step in to rescue her from the nursing home Wolfram and Hart had placed her in. They were trying to keep the law firm from hurting Cordy more but all they managed to do was lose her. I didn’t blame them for that. I tried to help them myself but we just didn’t have enough clues. She died giving birth in Bath England, her body dumped in the gardens of Rupert Giles as a sick joke. 

Hers was the first funeral I’d ever attended. I hadn’t known how much I still cared about Cordy until they put her in the ground. At the wake, I wept most of the night over beers with Dad. It was the first time, after telling him to fuck off to hell for what he had done to me, that I had spoken to Dad for any length of time outside what was needed for work. Neither of us could summon up the forced cheeriness that goes with wakes. No, the two Irishmen bawled like babies, closer to each other that night than ever before or since. Buffy and her sister couldn’t make it to the funeral. They got snowed in in Cleveland. 

I’ve since met Buffy but never Dawn. Buffy and Faith paid me visits to enlist my brute strength as necessary. I didn’t fight demons full time but if they needed me, I was theirs, especially Faith. Occasionally they got me into something so apocalyptic, I had to break the rule about not working with Angel and lately I’ve been willing to do that more than I had in the past. Buffy had come to me more than once to plead Angel’s case but I wasn’t ready to forgive him. I guess I’m a mean little bastard with a big grudge. I have nothing against Buffy personally. I liked her actually, and I had been convinced to go to the little night time wedding held in the Hyperion’s courtyard for her and Dad a decade ago. The courtyard had been stripped of jasmine and planted with gardenias and roses. Wes told me they were Cordy and Fred’s favorites. 

Fred had died even before I came back to myself. Wes said as far as they could tell she had been the first to realize something was wrong at Wolfram and Hart, that her research was being exploited. There hadn’t been enough left of her to bury. 

Buffy’s wedding was small, just Wes and Faith there for Dad since Gunn had been lost to whatever Wolfram and Hart had done to him. He was solidly with them still. Willow and Giles had returned from England for the event. Xander already lived in L.A., working with Dad and Wes. Dawn was going to art school in New York City but had flown in for the wedding. I had walked out of the ceremony before I even met her. I just couldn’t be there, celebrating the marriage of a vampire to a Slayer. It was too perverse. Worse, there had been years of wasted research to make it possible, to get around the curse’s idiotic happiness clause. Who cared if a demon could love? I guess I was in the minority in that respect. 

I headed back inside the townhouse, stepping over Moocher. My cat resembled nothing so much as a bowling ball with eyes. Solid black with a few white hairs on his chest, he had grown into a monstrosity from the day Kate gave him to me, saying I needed companionship. Now he was nearly two feet long from nose to tail tip and almost twenty pounds. I didn’t over feed him but he loved to beg. He gave me a filthy look for excluding him from my foray into the back yard, which was his territory; a handkerchief of land just off the porch, hemmed in by a tall privacy fence on all three sides. 

I went into the bathroom and ducked my head under the spigot, trying to wash away the dark memories. As usual, they’re far too ingrained for that. Once I had my bone-crushing dream, I’m always up for the night. I looked at the man in the mirror and saw a kid staring out at me. Wes figured it to be my demon aspect. My aging had slowed down somewhere just past puberty. I might be forty but I look sixteen. It was getting troublesome, especially at work. I might have to finally take Wes and Buffy up on their offers to be a Watcher, where my weirdness would be accepted. I wouldn’t mind that. I had liked Giles and mourned his passing late last year. At least it was quiet, a heart attack in his sleep. Wes was in his fifties now, and Buffy was closing in on them. She was still pretty amazing in the work place from all accounts. She didn’t do much active slaying but she had gotten good with training all the young Slayers and with the research, too. Things on that account had begun to equalize. The energy was going back to being stored up instead of spread to all the Potentials. Wes speculated that in a generation’s time, it would be back to the old ways, one girl in her generation and all that shit. I think it’s sort of a weird and dumb way to do things but what good is just one person against all that’s out there. All these Slayers make way more sense to me but that’s magic for you. No wonder I hate it so much sometimes. 

Maybe I could be a Watcher but I wasn’t quite ready to give up my gold shield. I have Amber Rose to thank for that. She wanted to be a lawyer. I remember everything about the day I first saw her at one of the homecoming parties when I was still Connolly. We fell hard for one another, two idealists. I was going to make the world a greener place, nurse back endangered species. She was going to be a woman’s advocate, but Erick Witherington crossed her path. What an appropriate name. Everything he touched withered and died. My world felt like it ended the day Amber Rose lost her life. I was so distraught, my ersatz Father had me sent to the country for a ´rest.’ I never even attended her funeral. The police had questioned me mercilessly, even trying to drag me out of the sanitarium until DNA cleared me and linked Amber Rose’s death to a string of homicide-rapes. How terrified had my love been when she died? Tears still stung my eyes any time I thought about her. Twenty plus years since she’s been gone and memories of Amber Rose reduced me to tears. 

Amber Rose had been carrying quintuplets, mine. I hadn’t known that at first. I remembered them telling me she had been pregnant, and my ersatz father sending me away after I collapsed. Later I found out that the law firm she had done an internship that had given her drugs. Fertility drugs and Wolfram and Hart, a bad mix at any time, and this time it was designed to exploit me. Angel should have realized they’d never just let me go. They wanted to bring more super-powered beings into the world and hoped my unique DNA would give them that. But at the time, all I had known was I had lost my lover and my future. 

Connor Connolly’s world truly ended when a judge gave Witherington a week out of jail to set his affairs in order after his conviction. Witherington had gone straight back to the clubs, looking for another victim, right by the college like usual. By sheer luck, I found him when I was out getting some emergency alcohol for my fraternity and cornered him in an alley. I hadn’t meant to kill him, or at least I don’t think so. He deserved it for murdering all those women, for killing Amber Rose and our unborn children. I had hit him once and only once. My fist went straight through his skull. There were no words for the panic that enveloped me, standing there in the filth with Witherington doing a death jig on the end of my arm, almost up to my elbow I had pushed my fist so far through his head. 

Connor Angel didn’t surface immediately, luckily. Connolly remained in control. I burnt my bloody shirt in the first homeless campfire I found. I washed all the blood off in the fountain Amber Rose died beside. The police, of course, looked at me and the families of Witherington’s other victims. Witherington had had a passport issued under a false name and ticket to a country that wouldn’t extradite to America. If I hadn’t killed him, he would have fled. My fraternity brothers alibied me without me even asking, telling the cops I had been at a house party that night. And I had been until I went out for that alcohol run. In the end, no one really looked hard for Witherington’s killer. 

But that murder was the first thread and like many things, one good pull on a string and everything unravels. I started having dreams of vampires and women with maggoty heads. I thought I had had another nervous breakdown. Quickly enough, the spell snapped completely, and I was myself once more but luckily held on to the knowledge I’d gained from the rewriting spell. And I have hated my father ever since for trying to erase my existence. Despite everything since then, all he’s tried to do for me, I have remained like stone, unmoving, unforgiving. 

I looked at the clock. It wasn’t even midnight. Today was my day off so I had been in bed early but that had come to an end with that dream. It was time to find a little help getting through the night. After Amber Rose’s death, I turned to Wes. He helped me readjust, helped me reestablish my identity. Connor Connolly might have been a lie but something about that experience helped me not descend into the madness I had suffered before it. Maybe because I remembered having a family and realized it wasn’t the cure-all I had thought it would be. I still suffered, and continue to suffer, from loneliness and depression, the sense of total alienation but being Connolly had allowed me to cope. 

But no one remember Connolly. No one recalled a lot of things, especially in the days during and just after the Beast’s rain of fire and Jasmine. No one really recollected a crazed kid taking over a mall. Even I had no clear memories of that, more due to the fugue caused by my descent into madness or something close to it. So many deaths had happened during the rain of fire that one blonde young woman’s murder had been forgotten. Only I remembered kidnaping her, letting Cordelia slaughter her. I’ve only told four other people: Giles, Wesley, Kate and Faith. Faith took it to her grave. 

I missed her so much some nights, especially ones like tonight. The night after Cordelia’s wake, Faith had sensed my pain, my neediness and practically screwed me right into the ground. I was thankful for that. Then she left me, explaining her warped sense of one night, and then get gone. Soon after, she made exceptions, and we had a wild relationship lasting years. I think she craved my strength, my roughness. I could match her, and we could be ourselves without having to worry about the damage we could do. Oh, we were never boyfriend-girlfriend as far as anyone watching us was concerned. We were more than that and less at the same time. She was in and out of L.A. with her Slayer duties. When she was in town or if I got to travel, it was tempestuous. I loved her completely, and I knew she felt the same, even if our love was different than what Hallmark would brand the emotion. Faith went out in a blaze of glory in the wilds of northern Wisconsin, a death saving others, a death she would have been proud of. That was almost three years ago now but at least we know the terrible secret of the Paulding lights as a result. I missed her so much it hurt.

I picked up the phone and called one of the remaining two people who knew all my secrets. “Hey...yeah, had that dream again, can’t sleep. Can you meet me at O’Shaughnessy’s? Great, I’ll be there in twenty minutes.” 

O’Shaughnessy’s was my hang out, a cop bar. Sometimes Kate and I went to the latest incarnation of Caritas since we could talk demony stuff without worry but I didn’t feel like talking about that tonight so O’Shaughnessy’s would do. The Guinness was room temperature and the ambiance desperately Irish but they knew me. They didn’t think my i.d. was fake. Detective Devlin was well known to them. Once Wes helped me establish my identity as Connor Devlin, I decided to try to keep people like Witherington from taking away someone else’s Amber Rose. I became a cop and a good one. Now I’m a homicide detective, and I like my work. 

When I made it to the pub, Kate was waiting for me at our usual table, near the dart boards, real ones with sharp metal darts. I felt guilty about asking her here. She was fifty-something and didn’t need to be out at all hours. Her blonde hair, pulled into a tail, was streaked with ash. A fine web of wrinkles surrounded her eyes and lips but she was still pretty. Kate had had her own private detective agency for a while after she left the force. Afterwards, she joined up with Wes and Angel to fill in the spaces left by Fred, Cordy and Gunn. I met her through Wes, and we’ve been friends and confidantes ever since. I swung by the bar first, picking up my pint that Colleen started pouring the moment she saw me entering, and then she poured me a second without asking. I must have looked really rough. I leaned against the elaborately carved, dark wood as the Guinness all but oozed from the tap. Colleen told me her father had imported the actual bar from a pub in Ireland. I could practically feel its age thrumming in the wood. 

I sat with Kate. “Sorry for dragging you out here.” 

Kate had a little line of shots of Irish whiskey lined up, ready for our consumption. We honestly weren’t the hard drinking cop cliché. She drank rarely, having gotten on the bad side of a bottle and drugs after her father was killed. I didn’t drink heavily normally. Dad did when he was mortal, and the less like him I acted, the better. She smiled at me. “You say that every time. I’m getting older, not ancient or dead, Connor. I can keep a friend company.” 

“I just wish...why won’t these dreams go away? It’s so far in the past now. It’s not like I even feel guilty over Witherington.” I let a good swallow of Guinness slide smoothly down my throat. 

“You do about-” 

“I know.” I broke in, and she shot me an apologetic look. I polished off my first pint and started the next. “But it wasn’t my fault and I know that. Jasmine had me under her control.” That was true. Wes had thought I wasn’t under Jasmine’s control because I knew what she looked like. I could see her for what she was because she was my daughter but that didn’t make me immune to her mind control. Our shared blood merely made me immune to the cure. Me seeing Jasmine as she was didn’t mean she didn’t pull my strings like a puppet master, or so I tell myself so I’m not a complete and utter monster.

I would always feel horrible guilt for the murder of the girl whose name I would never know. Most of my adult life had been lived in atonement for that. I hated not being strong enough to break free of Jasmine’s hold, loosen myself from my psychosis. I had been everyone’s pawn up until I came back to myself. I had wanted an Irish surname that meant free but I couldn’t find one so I found something that embodied my life. That’s why I chose the name Devlin. It meant ´unlucky.’ And for the most part it was true. I lived life the way I wanted to, on my own terms but there were shackles on me. Angel’s name was stamped into every link, and I could hear them rattling through everything I did. I had been a luckless bastard from the moment I was conceived. 

“I wasn’t talking about her.” Kate locked eyes with me. “I think you’re filled with regrets and guilt over your relationship with your father.” 

I snorted and drank some more stout. 

“I’m serious, Connor.” Her strong hand closed over mine. Her fingers were calloused and warm but I pulled away. I didn’t want comforted. 

“You’re a detective, Kate, and a good one. But you’re not a psychologist so leave it.” 

“Bullshit. A good hunk of detective work is psychology and you know it,” she challenged. 

I bit at the cuticle of my thumb like I was wont to do when nervous. I couldn’t meet those pretty blue eyes. She would make me feel like I was that scared little boy I once was if I looked at her. “Kate, I can’t accept him. I know that puts you in a bad position, just like Wes and Buffy. I know it’s hard being friends with me and Dad and not being able to reconcile us.” 

She leaned on the age-warped wood of the table. “That’s because you’re a pig-headed Irishman.” 

I canted my eyes to meet hers, and then dropped them back to my pint glass. I did one of the shots of whiskey. “Maybe so.” 

“He’s not going to give up on you,” she said, softly. 

I sighed heavily. “I just wish he would.” 

“You know better.” 

She was right. I did. Dad called me every week and told me what was going on in his life. Well, he told the answering machine at any rate since I never picked up. He sent me emails that I deleted but not before reading. He sent me holiday cards and birthday presents. Until that, I hadn’t even known when I was born. I never thanked him, never acknowledged his efforts. The few times I had spoken to him, I told him how much I hated him. When I walked out on his wedding, he cried silently as he watched me go. Maybe Kate was right. I had my bone-crushing dream because I felt guilty over Dad, and I hated him so much I couldn’t even have him in my dreams. I was a wicked creature but what else could be expected of a bastard demon half breed? 

“He erased me, Kate. Like I never existed. Like he never wanted me.” 

Her hand was across the table and back again so fast I couldn’t stop her slap. My face stung from the concussion. “He did it because he loved you. You know this. He did what he thought would make you safe and happy because you were dying inside, Connor. Rotting and spreading your decay to others.” 

Tears pricked my eyes. “He never fought hard enough for me, Kate,” I whispered. “He just let me go. Every time things got difficult with me, he let me go.” I scrubbed my hand over my eyes, trying to grind away the tears. 

“No one’s ever going to convince you otherwise, are they?” Kate scowled at me. There was no pity in her eyes for me but I didn’t really deserve any. “Maybe next time you have the dream, I won’t come here.” 

I nodded but I knew she would. She always would. I polished off my Guinness silently. When I raised my glass to wiggle it at Colleen for a refill, I saw someone staring at me from the bar. She stood and walked slowly over to me. She might have been in her mid-twenties but her eyes were older. I couldn’t tell if they were blue or green in this light. Her long, straight hair, a warm brown that reminded me of Fred, brushed her belt as she walked. She was thin, with small breasts, especially compared to Kate. Her wide mouth was set grimly and as she got closer I could see a sprinkle of freckles across her nose and cheeks. 

“I thought it was you.” She clenched the leather file folder she seemed to be guarding with her life. 

“I don’t know you,” I said, thinking somehow she was familiar but I couldn’t wade through the alcoholic fog blanketing my memory. I was well on my way to being toasted. 

She shook her head. “You wouldn’t. I’m Dawn Nyhammer. I’ve been by your police station a few times but none of the detectives take me seriously.” 

I was thinking, _´Great, a nutcase. Just what I needed to make my night complete,’_ but what I said was, “So you’ve taken to hanging in cop bars to get our attention.” Kate kicked me under the table for being a jerk but Ms. Nyhammer didn’t seem to notice. 

Her lips tightened. “I know it’s not ideal, kind of crazy or obsessed. I might just be the latter. Please, I’m only asking for five minutes of your time. My best friend is missing, and I can’t get anyone to listen to me.”

I glanced over at Kate, and then indicated one of the empty chairs. As this strange, almost fey woman sat, Colleen came by with refills for me and Kate. “I’m a homicide detective, Ms. Nyhammer. I’m not sure I can help you.” 

“I think you can,” she said, her eyes brooking no arguments. She set the file down on the table carefully avoiding the wet rings from the pint glasses. “I think Maribel is dead.” 

I studied her even more intently, curious now. “Why do you think that?” 

“You’ll see.” She started her story. From the way she spoke, I could tell she had told this tale a hundred times. “Maribel and I went to college together in New York. She ended up teaching in Los Angeles while I stayed in New York. Seven years ago, she started dating this real jerk, Sean Jury. I hated him but what could I do? I had my own job and husband to worry about. Maribel called me every week, emailed me almost every day. But she never told me how bad it was until I saw her at a show in here in L.A. The bastard was beating her. I tried to convince her to leave but she was pregnant. To me that was all the more reason to go but she wanted to stay and be a family.” Her face started crumbling but she regained control. Her hands closed into fists, pulsating with rage. 

I nodded. Family, an ideal that had been my holy grail, had become something of a dirty word. Family was where I started most of my homicide investigations. It was all too often where they ended. How many young women did I watch being loaded into body bags after their men had killed them, men they wouldn’t leave because they were the head of the family? Couldn’t leave because they knew the men would hound them to an early grave along with anyone sheltering them.

“After the baby was born, she called me, terrified. Could I come get her?” Nyhammer’s voice broke, and she wiped away some tears. “God, why didn’t I go? I couldn’t make it for some reason that I can barely remember now. Maybe it was simply because I wanted her out of there fast and there was a whole country between us, I wired her the money to get the bus so she and her son could join me.” 

“She never caught the bus,” I guessed, watching her play with her wedding ring. It was an impressive diamond. 

“No. When she didn’t pick up the money, I called her boyfriend. He told me that Maribel had just left him, and he didn’t know where she was. I didn’t believe him. I managed to convince the police to at least look into it. She didn’t give notice at work that she was quitting but since she had filed domestic abuse charges before they assumed she had had enough and took off. But I found out that Maribel left behind her son. She would never have left Javier, never.” Nyhammer’s eyes flashed fire at the very thought. “That’s when I knew he had killed her.” 

“But without a body, no one is listening to you,” I said. 

She nodded her head, struggling to rein in her emotions. “There’s an open missing person’s file but that’s it. No one’s looking into it anymore. I’ve done so much work, found so many leads but I’m not a detective. I can’t do any more. Please, help me.” 

She pushed the file folder to me. I opened it up and saw bundles of work inside; tablets filled with who knew what, phone bills, cards from all sorts of women’s shelters and people locators, all arranged meticulously by month and year. Obsession didn’t cover it. 

I looked into her eyes and saw she expected rejection. “I don’t know what you expect me to do. We don’t know there’s been a murder or even one that’s in my jurisdiction. The best I can do is hand this right over to Kate, here. She’s a private detective.” I felt I was more than fair with that. Kate was a good detective even if this was more normal than she was used to dealing with at Angel Investigations. Empathetic sadness bubbled up in me for Ms. Nyhammer. Her story was all too common but no less tragic. 

“I don’t have enough money for that. My husband has had more than enough of this. If I tell him I have to hire a detective...” Dawn’s face lost all color. “I didn’t want to do this. I know if I say this, you’ll think I’m nuts and never listen to me.” 

“You might as well tell me,” I said. “As it stands, there’s nothing I can do.” 

She took her folder and flipped it to the back. She pulled out a transcript, handing it to me. “It’s from a psychic. I contacted her, and she described in detail where Maribel is buried. I checked. It’s your jurisdiction.” 

I wanted to laugh. I should have. She was expecting it. That’s what most policemen would have done. But I knew psychics were real. Okay, most of them were frauds, living off their clients like ticks and ruining it for the real ones. But dare I take the risk? My partner was going to be looking at me like I was the insane one if I mentioned this. I pulled my wallet out of my pocket and fished out my business card, handing it to her. “Can I borrow your files for the night?” 

She seemed shocked. She took my card with trembling fingers. “You believe me?” 

“I believe you’re extremely concerned for your friend, and I don’t like what you’re telling me about this guy. Let me look at what you have here, and you can call me tomorrow night.” 

Tears started pouring from her eyes, and she actually leaned over the table and hugged me. She took out the empty pint glasses but didn’t seem to notice. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome. Take Kate’s card, too. If I can’t help you, maybe you two can work something out.” 

Dawn dutifully took Kate’s card. “I’m not crazy, Detective Devlin. And this psychic, well, you’ll see for yourself, I guess. Thank you,” she said again, and then headed out of the bar. 

“Well, that was weird,” I said, thumbing through the psychic’s transcript as I drank. 

“You’re telling me.” There was something odd in Kate’s voice, a strange gleam in her eye like she knew something I didn’t. She had been quieter than usual, too. I shrugged it off as my usual paranoia muddied by my over indulgence in the water of life. “Want some help going over that stuff?” 

“If you don’t mind.” 

Kate didn’t. We headed back to her place so we’d have room to spread out and mull over everything until the wee hours of the morning. In the past things might have gotten friskier. Nothing like good sex to take my mind off my dreams. But Kate was seeing someone now, and we had a puzzle to keep us occupied. A mystery was almost as thrilling as sex to both of us and there was plenty of mystery to be found in Nyhammer’s painstakingly compiled folder.


	2. Dawn

Chapter: 2 - DAWN 

_At times life is wicked and I just can’t see the light_  
A silver lining sometimes isn’t enough  
To make some wrongs seem right  
Whatever life brings I’ve been through everything  
And know I’m on my knees again   
**Creed- Don’t Stop Dancing**

It was going on two in the morning when I made it back to the gaudily painted Queen Anne house that Buffy and Angel called home. Buffy had decided she didn’t want to live in a hotel so the Hyperion became strictly a place of business, the L.A. Watcher’s complex. This home told the world Angel had some money to his name hidden somewhere. Round turrets and curvaceous lines dominated the structure, like the house wanted to be a voluptuous woman. Possessing a turret at either end, the house ruled the quiet, green street. A deep blue washed the walls. Perky yellow, white and lavender trim played in the ginger breading and swirled cloud-like over the wrap-around veranda. I had to wonder if Lorne had a hand in picking the colors. 

It was a beautiful home, and it stayed that way thanks to a spell the Furies had put on it. It extended nearly the entire block. No demon violence allowed. Of course it also handicapped Angel but not Buffy just in case someone got the bright idea to send in humans. 

Buffy had been a little miffed about the whole procedure. She was okay with the spell. It was the three weird sisters casting it that set her off. She wanted to know what Angel had done to them that kept them drooling and sighing his name so erotically it made most everyone around them either want to drop trousers or go to confession. Xander had been amused by it but probably because Angel was in Dutch with my sister. And it didn’t help matter that neither Angel nor Wes had ever thought to call us in Sunnydale and give Willow or Giles the spell. Mom’s home and our pocket books would have been the better for it. Xander said the spell made him useless with nothing to fix. He never gets that his carpentry skills aren’t the most important thing about him. Of course, he’s now research and Mr. Fix-it guy for Angel Investigations, does most of the clerical, too. 

Reflecting on tonight, I felt terrible on one hand and hopeful on the other. I had finally gotten someone to listen to me about Maribel but it was marred because I hadn’t been completely truthful with Connor. I couldn’t let that matter. I needed to find justice for Maribel. She had been my best friend, like family, and my family understood my obsession with finding her body and making Sean answer for his crime. My husband was another story. Chris didn’t understand my obsession. This was the final nail in our marriage’s coffin. If he hadn’t filed for divorce by the time I got back to New York, I would. 

I hated not being up front with Connor. I should have just said, ‘Hi I’m Dawn Summers-Nyhammer, Buffy’s sister. I was told by the best psychic on the Watchers’ Council that Maribel’s body was walled up in a small theater in your jurisdiction. I think you know the psychic: Iris, Willow’s wife, so you know she’s accurate. Please find Maribel. Her son deserves to know that his mom didn’t desert him.’ 

But Buffy worried that Connor would refuse because I’m close to Angel. Wes thought it was nonsense, since Connor was close to most of Angel’s friends except for Buffy. There was something weird between them that I didn’t understand. She didn’t trust him, even though she’s worked with him for years. There was more to it than just how badly he treated Angel but Buffy wouldn’t talk to me about it. Kate concurred with Wes. I should have listened to them over my sister.

Still, I tried the normal route at the police station, and no one would do more than to direct me to missing persons. Kate would help investigate, too, even if Connor couldn’t do anything. I hadn’t been entirely truthful with him about not being able to afford Kate’s prices. When Connor had asked her to hang out tonight, she had called me to tell me where they were and how best to approach him. It worked, for now. Who knows what will happen when he learns who I really was. If he calls me on the deception, I could tell him I didn’t realize it was important what my maiden name was. We’d both know it was a lie. 

I heard voices as I kicked my shoes off in the foyer and put them by the hall tree. There was a Victorian feel to the home, and I know that was none of Buffy’s doing. Angel or Lorne or both probably had a hand in it. Of course, the warm walnut wainscoting that ran through the home helped that feeling grow along with the furniture choice, and the dense, period colors that changed from room to room like a fractured rainbow. I had offered to help since I had had design classes in art school but my input hadn’t been needed. 

Buffy and Angel were waiting up for me in spite of the late hour. No surprise there. They were on the couch looking like old marrieds, watching late night television. Angel was stretched out in jogging pants that Buffy probably got him since I never seen him tend toward the informal. Buffy cuddled in against him in loose shorts and a tank top. I didn’t blame her. The summer night was warm, and they didn’t have air conditioning. The house was too old, too difficult to install it. Besides when you slept next to the living dead, they provided all the cool down that was needed or so I’ve been told. 

Bainsidhe lifted her black head from the rug she was sleeping on, eyed me wearily, and then flopped down. Some watch dog she was. One of Angel’s grateful customers had been a breeder of champion Labrador Retrievers and had gifted him with a puppy. Bainsidhe’s Dark Howl was their surrogate child, spoiled, sweet, smart and stuffed like a great black pig. Buffy glanced over at me. She was finally putting on just a little weight. She was looking healthy for the first time in years. 

“How’d it go?” Buffy sat up, pinning Angel to the couch with her back. I could see concern in her bluish eyes. 

I flopped down on the love seat. Bainsidhe thought about getting up for a hello scratch, and then decided it was too much effort. “He took the file, said he’d look into it.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “I should have been honest with him.” 

“And he might not have helped,” Buffy said sternly. 

“It’s his job. He’d have done it,” I argued even though I knew technically it was still missing persons or a cold case detective’s problem. “And he might change his mind about helping me now if he finds out I wasn’t honest with him.” 

“How were you not honest? You told him you were Dawn Nyhammer, that’s the truth,” Buffy said but she knew that was beside the point. 

“Yeah, but not for much longer,” I mumbled and wished I hadn’t. Buffy and Angel’s faces went morose. I hated seeing Buffy this way. When she was sad, you could see the tiny lines around her eyes and lips, the only real sign she was in her forties. Wes said it was most likely her Slayer healing powers keeping her so young looking. No one knew for sure since no Slayer had ever lived so long before. No one had a clue as to why I still look like I’m in my early twenties, virtually unchanged since my college days. The general consensus is when you’re really a ball of energy made flesh you can expect some differences from mainline human. 

“Oh, Dawn, I’m sorry.” Buffy moved over so she could sit with me, giving me a hug. 

“There’s no hope?” Angel sat up and reached out to give my hand a squeeze. 

I shook my head. “Not really. I’m okay with it. I knew, didn’t I? I knew that marrying a man totally out of this life, this weird world of ours, could be a problem. We tried for nearly seven years but it’s over. Between art shows and Watcher duties, I’m never home.” I remembered the day I told Buffy I was going to be a Watcher. She had been furious but I think she knew deep down, I had to do it. I couldn’t ignore what I knew about the world, and I couldn’t not help. “Besides, Chris wants kids.” 

“And that’s a problem,” Buffy said, her look of sorrow deepening. I think she wanted desperately to be an aunt. A pregnant Slayer is a dangerous thing so most of them did everything they could to prevent it. Too high risk for losing the baby and their own lives too. Who can fight with a huge baby belly? 

Buffy had to live her few baby fantasies through me. I kept telling her Xander’s kids would have to do for living vicariously. He seemed to be doing well with wife number three, Dascha, an Ex-Slayer. She proved the upper limit of a Slayer’s healing abilities didn’t include regeneration of an arm. She and Xander had three kids, and he had a daughter by wife number one as well. Goodness, little Xavierra was twelve already. 

“We’ve all discussed this. I’m not entirely human. The monks made me human enough to have a period, thank you very much, stupid monks,” I said, and Angel glanced away. So, it didn’t take much to embarrass a nearly three hundred year old vampire. “But am I fertile? Or worse, what if I am? What kind of child might the Key make? We saw what the demon aspect of Cordy did to her children.” 

“You’re not a demon, Dawn,” Buffy reminded me, petting my hair. 

“No, but the principle is the same. I worry about having kids. Beside I’m getting too old to have kids.” It really had never been a big issue for me. I really did worry about having kids. Buffy always said she didn’t want any but sometimes I wondered. I felt mostly fulfilled without them.

“Well, I’m still sorry that is has come to this, Dawn. Divorce isn’t easy,” Buffy said. My sister might never have been divorced but she knew all about crappy relationships and lovers leaving you, sometimes before they actually did it physically. In that respect me and Chris were a lot like her and Riley. 

“Sometimes it’s for the best.” I sighed. “It’s not like Chris and I had a bad marriage. We’ve just grown apart. I was lucky to have a man who put up with my weird hours and my strange friends.” 

“Your friends aren’t strange,” Buffy protested. 

“Xander is.” Angel smirked, and Buffy slapped him. 

I laughed, relieved for the break in the tension. “Yes, Xander is. And it’s not like you’re a fountain of normalcy, Angel.” 

He pouted at me, and I resisted the urge to ruffle his hair. Buffy had it just the way she liked it. In our everything old is new again fashion climate, we were back to the 80’s in style. Angel had nixed the wild big hair but still it was probably for the best he couldn’t see what Buffy had done to him. He seemed not to be into selfies so maybe he didn’t know what he looked like. I wonder if he was familiar with The Cure’s lead singer. 

“At least someone has finally listened to me. If Connor doesn’t follow through, Kate will go look for the body. I didn’t want her to find the body and have to explain why she broke into the theater, pulled down a wall because a psychic told her to,” I said. 

Angel nodded. “That would make things awkward.” His dark eyes pinned me, and they looked as sad as Bainsidhe’s when someone wouldn’t let her play in whatever water hole she had found at the time. “How did he look, Dawn?” 

I knew Angel would ask something like that. This was Angel after all. He seemed to enjoy torturing himself. I think he believed he deserved it. How had Connor looked? I had been so worked up when I went into the bar I hadn’t been able to focus on anything but Maribel. I had noticed the empty beer and shot glasses around him more than anything else, and I hoped he wasn’t too drunk to understand me. I filtered that out and tried to reconstruct him in my mind. I was good at that, remembering details. It was part of my art. “Tired, sad,” I said, and Angel deflated. “Lonely. There was so much pain in his face it could depress you just by looking at him. But….” Should I even mention my other thoughts? Probably not. They weren’t really relative. 

Seeing Connor in person brought up warring memories in my head; Buffy and Willow telling me how effeminate Connor looked and though his hair was shorter than they had described it only served to make him look sixteen. His hair looked soft, almost rabbit-like and inviting to touch. In contrast to the girlish image were Faith’s incendiary tales of their sex life. If she was to be believed, Connor was very acrobatic. I suspected it was true since Faith kept up an open relationship with him for years though she otherwise kept her habit of one night stands up until she died. The story about rope rings over the lake stuck out in my mind but I wasn’t telling Angel about any of that. 

“What?” Angel prompted. 

“I was thinking he was a little like me, unique and still trapped in body too young-looking for its actual years.” 

“In another ten years, you’ll be happy for that youth,” Buffy said. I could see she wanted it to be a joke but it fell flat. If I looked this young in another ten years people would really wonder about me. 

I smiled for her anyhow. “True. Haunted. I guess that’s the best word for Connor, and, on the plus side he was a little cuter than I thought he’d be.” I added that to give Angel something more than gloom but it seemed to be the wrong things to say. Okay, I could have worded it better. 

“Cuter?” Angel’s brow wrinkled. “You’d thought he’d not be cute?” 

I shrugged. I could practically see Angel falling into defensive dad mode but I couldn’t understand why. Buffy had told me all she knew about Connor over the years. He was a real asshole to Angel. I couldn’t understand why Angel would give a damn one way or the other about his son. The stories had almost made me not want to ask Connor for help but I’d do anything for Maribel. I guess that’s fathers for you. 

Thinking about fathers made me think of Giles. God, I missed Giles so much. He died too young. I don’t care that he was nearly seventy. In this day and age, that’s too young. Giles had once told me and Buffy one day when Buffy had been bitching about something nasty Connor had either said or done to Angel that fathers rarely give up on their children. I wasn’t so sure about that bit of advice. I think my dad long ago gave up on Buffy and me. I had only seen him twice since Mom passed away. I’m not sure if he’s even still alive. I don’t honestly care. I had given up on him. Giles had been my dad in all the ways that counted but the biology and really Hank Summers had very little biological ties to me anyhow. 

“Well, I’ve only seen a few photos and your drawings of him.” I had only seen them once, having come upon them when I helped Angel move into this house. He was secretive with his art and especially his drawings of Connor. It was a shame. Angel had such talent. “I wasn’t sure he was even a boy in those pictures.” 

Angel’s eyes bugged. “Of course he’s a boy. How could you think he wasn’t?” 

“Um, Angel, Willow once told me when she came here to restore your soul, she thought she had misunderstood Wes when he said you had a son. She thought she misheard the name Connie,” Buffy said gently, and Angel looked crushed. “Haven’t you ever noticed? Connor has two ways of moving. His predator mode and when he’s home and relaxed, he kinda moves like a woman. That nipped in waist of his is not helping the image.” 

“What she said.” I gave Angel an apologetic look. 

“He looks like a man to me,” he grumbled. 

“I’m surprised he didn’t figure me out the minute I said my name,” I said. “Dawn’s not that common a name. You’d think it would have rung a bell. Are you sure he’s a good detective?” 

Angel nodded. “I have newspaper clippings to prove it.” 

Of course he did. Buffy had told me Angel cut out and saved all the newsprint on Connor who had solved a few high profile cases, kept online news, recorded bits from the TV news. He had a scrap book of everything Connor had done, or at least the stuff he could get hold of. It was sad in a way. 

“Well, I guess he was drinking, and he was upset when I got there. Kate said he had his recurring dream again. She didn’t explain what it was only that it tends to agitate him,” I said. “But he took the file, and when I call him tomorrow, I’m going to tell him I’m your sister, Buffy.” 

She scowled. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” 

“By tomorrow, he might already know,” I said. “If he is a good detective, he should. I’m exhausted, so if you’ll excuse me I’m going to bed.” 

They said their good nights, and I dragged up to the guest bedroom. Killmouski was on the pillows. She cracked an eye open when I dislodged her after changing into a night gown but let me rearrange her on the bed. When I was settled, the pale blue and faded orange tortoise shell cat curled up next to me. Buffy hadn’t set out to get a cat. Killmouski had shown up one day on the porch and refused to leave. She left many beheaded furry gifts. Eventually she pushed her way inside the house and took over. Killmouski loved only one thing better than hunting mice: hunting Angel. She didn’t seem to like him much or maybe just had a fondness for leaping off of high places onto his head. Bainsidhe’s only reaction to Killmouski was to lick her once, decide she wasn’t edible - a real novel idea for Bainsidhe - and let the cat use her as a bed. 

I let my fingers play over Killmouski’s soft fur as I thought about tonight. This could finally be it. I might actually be able to lay my friend to rest. I tried not to think about all the fun Maribel and I had in college. I’d only start crying again, and I hated trying to sleep after I’ve cried. My nose gets all stuffy, leaving me snoring all night, and I’d wake up with a sore throat. I tried to think of other things, like I should have showered before going to bed. I smelled like a pub. 

I wanted to be excited to see Willow. She’d be here soon. She still lived in London but she was due to arrive in a day for Buffy and Angel’s tenth wedding anniversary. That was what brought me to LA as well. Asking Iris about Maribel had been a last ditch, spontaneous thing. I had dealt with Iris many times on Council problems but never thought to ask her about Maribel. I wasn’t surprised when she came up with Maribel’s resting place. I had to use what I knew even if I were here for happier things. I couldn’t think about that now, not if I wanted to get to sleep. I managed to banish most thoughts from my head as I chased sleep. The only thing I couldn’t banish were a pair of big blue eyes watching me intently, almost harshly. Even in my imagination, Connor was going to be a jerk. So be it then.


	3. Connor

Chapter: 3 – Connor

_Truth is its [justice’s] handmaid, freedom is its child, peace is its companion,_  
safety walks in its steps, victory follows in its train   
**Syndey Smith - Lady Holland’s Memoir vol 1. P. 29**

“Just so you know, if this goes bad, I’m telling the Brass you went nuts, and I was playing along until it was safe to restrain you.” 

I gave my partner a look of pure vinegar. She snickered. “Thanks for the support, Nami.” 

“Hell, you’re the one who has us out here looking for more work, as if we don’t have enough already.” Nami flipped her raven hair back. It brushed her shoulder and had a wispy quality to it that reminded me of a dandelion. “And all you’ll tell me is you have an anonymous tip saying there’s a woman’s body walled up in a theater. That much won’t even get us a warrant. I hope your sweet-talking skills are up to snuff.” 

“Between my skills and your beauty, how could they not give in and let us tear up their walls?” I grinned at her, and Nami slapped me. 

“I’m not joking, skinny ass. There’s definitely something not kosher about this. You’re holding back.” Nami glowered at me. 

_‘You have no idea,’_ I thought. I so hated keeping things from Nami. She was more than my partner on the force. We were family. She’d made me her kids’ godfather. They called me Uncle Connor. Her and her husband, Kenji had taken me to Japan once to meet his grandparents and to Hawaii to meet his parents and hers, though Nami’s mom had since moved to Los Angeles and often invited me to Sunday dinner. Nami was one of my best friends but she didn’t know my true nature, the ugliness of the demons in this world, and I never wanted her to. “Me?” 

“Don’t even try the innocent eyes on me.” Nami patted my head. It sort of sucked that I was shorter than my partner. Nami took after her Japanese father but she had her mom’s Scandinavian height. “It doesn’t work when they’re all puffy and you look like you haven’t slept all night. So, did you finally get a date? You need laid in the worst way.” 

I could always trust my partner to speak her mind. She reminded me of Cordy in that respect but she was usually a little kinder than I’ve been told Cordy was wont to be. And Nami was right. I did need laid. “I was with Kate all night working.” 

“So, that’s what we’re calling it. What’s it with you and mommy figures? I’m going to start calling you ‘Oedipus’.” 

“Don’t you dare.” I wagged a finger at her, visions of me verbally sparring with Angelus surfacing for the first time in forever. “I don’t have a thing for mother figures.” 

“All the women you date are older than you,” Nami shot back, “when you actually find a woman nuts enough to want you.” 

“Oh, you’re a barrel of laughs, Nami. Kate and I aren’t doing that anymore. She’s with Lindsey now,” I said, going into the theater. It was nearly our quitting time, such as it is. No one was at the theater until now. There was no getting a warrant with what we had, as Nami pointed out. The best I could do was talk to the director since the actual owner was a Japanese businessman in Kyoto who wanted a tiny piece of the action in L.A. I knew the director had no right to do what I was going to ask of him but I’d ask anyhow. 

The actors were already on the stage running their lines. Something told me this would be as close as they’d ever get to the big time. A roundish man with a grey pony tail, sitting third row center with a note pad on his knee, was most likely Mr. Graham, the director. He shot a look over his shoulder, hot at being interrupted, and then smoothed over as he most likely remembered inviting us here to talk. 

“Take five,” he snapped at the actors, levering himself up with effort. “Detective Devlin?” 

“Yes.” I gestured at Nami. “This is Detective Asakura.” 

“I’m curious why you called me and asked for this meeting.” He shuffled out of the row, coming over to us. 

“My partner can explain better than I.” Nami gave me a look saying it had best be good. 

I took a deep breath. I had rehearsed what I was going to say, hoping I was a better actor than this crew. “I know this is going to sound a bit bizarre but we received an anonymous tip stating a young woman was walled up in this theater after she was killed. We couldn’t contact the owner of the building but we were hoping...”

“That I’ll allow you to tear up this theater,” Graham interrupted, his ruddy face going sweaty. “Are you nuts?” 

I resisted the urge to smile. It’s been pointed out to me my smiles just make me look insane. “We do have good reason to believe the tip is accurate. The victim is a bonafide missing person.” 

“And you have a warrant?” Graham asked, lucky me. 

I couldn’t let him know that if he said no I’d have to turn around and leave. If I kept talking, I might be able to convince him to do things my way. That was a cornerstone of interrogation but it had places outside of the police station. “No, but we were hoping you’d be willing to assist us to help finding closure for her family. She has a young son.” 

“I don’t think-” 

“Oh, come on Graham,” one of the young blonde actresses said, tossing her arms open wide, grinning. “It’s an adventure.” 

“It’s dramatic,” her shave-headed companion said, his dark skin glowing under the lights. He jumped off the stage. 

Graham whirled on his actors, his belly jiggling. “I can’t just tear down the walls.” 

“We can,” a third actress said firmly, turning directly to me. “Where is she?” 

I glanced at Graham whose face was even ruddier than when we first saw him. He didn’t like the loss of control but in his pale eyes gleamed something I would have qualified as rebellion. My pulse quickened just a bit with anticipation. I loved getting pieces of the mystery and putting them together. This would be the second and biggest part of this puzzle. 

“What the hell? But let’s do it carefully, everyone. We need to put it back the way we found it in case this is nothing but a circle jerk.” Graham’s grey eyes pinned me, trying to bully me. 

“Thank you,” I said, and I meant it. I gave a little ground; let him think he won the point. Somehow I knew Ms. Nyhammer’s psychic was going to be right. I’m not sure why, other than my ties to the supernatural, I knew what a real psychic could do. Of course, some fraud could be taking advantage of Nyhammer’s desperation but if my gut, backed up by a little research, was telling me the truth about her then the psychic was as real as they get, and Ms. Nyhammer had some explaining to do. 

“So where do you think this poor woman is walled up?” Graham asked. 

“In hell,” I said. To anyone other than a theater person, I’m sure I sounded facetious. Nami was giving me a look that said as much but Graham’s people moved into action. He bellowed a few names, and a couple of men and a lady appeared from back stage. 

The young African-America actor who Graham called Arnick undid a clasp in front of the stage’s base. The clasp, like all the walls, was painted a flat black. Tonya, an actress I had had a fling with years ago, had told me the dark paint was to keep the background neutral, to help shield the movement of the stage crew and to keep light from reflecting. It was almost depressing to look at, unbroken as it was now by a lack of props and backdrops. 

Arnick got the hell open and the stage hands Graham had sent after tools returned. Graham went under the stage first. I followed him into hell. I was surprised at the narrowness of the trap door that led from the stage into this hell. I’d hate to trust that if I were on stage. The room was musty, filled with cobwebs. It didn’t appear it was used much. 

“Any ideas where to start?” Graham brushed a cobweb from his pony tail. 

I pointed to the far left corner. “There.” 

“You heard the man.” 

I watched the stage hands start trying to pry the boards free with the actors offering encouragement like this was some odd role-playing game. 

Nami leaned close and whispered, “I can’t believe you got them to agree.” 

“Didn’t even need your beauty,” I whispered back. The fire in her dark eyes promised when we were alone I’d be wearing my ass as a hat. I’d worry about that later. I had to supervise the demolition at the moment. I was surprised at the enthusiasm they put into removing the boards. I guess I should have anticipated the flare for the dramatic in theater people. Three boards came off before I said, “That’s enough. I should be able to see in.” 

The blonde actress, Penny, moved away quickly. “Good...I was afraid...I wanted to see but now, if she’s really in there, I’m not sure I could handle that.”

“And it smells funny,” Arnick said, wrinkling his nose. 

“I wouldn’t want you to see, Penny.” I pulled out my flashlight. Nami had her camera ready. She had gotten it herself, the most recent digital camera she could afford. It wasn’t that we didn’t trust the CSU’s photographer. It was just ingrained in us, ‘do for yourself.’ It never hurt to have backups. I crouched by the opening and shone the light in. I didn’t need it to know she was behind the boards. I knew the smell of decay even if it was old. Bones gleamed as my light hit them, brown bits of flesh clung to them, adipose tissue that had turned to soap, more or less. I traced the bare arm to where her shirt covered it, black with white roses. I moved the light up, highlighting her skull. A shock of matted black hair had slid back off her head to puddle like a ragged halo. 

“She’s in there, isn’t she?” Nami tried not to sound shocked. 

“Call CSU,” I replied, turning away. “Mr. Graham, I’m going to have to ask you and your people to please leave this area.” 

Penny was already gone, nearly knocking herself out cold on the low door of hell. 

“You’re going to close us down, aren’t you?” Graham herded his people out from under the stage while Nami took my spot at the hole so she could take some preliminary photos. Accusation rang in his voice. 

“Hopefully you’ll only be down for tonight,” I said. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience.” 

Surliness descended on him momentarily. “I suppose I can’t complain too much. You said she had family who’ve been wondering all this time.” 

“Exactly. Thanks for your help.” 

His full lips perked up. “If nothing else, it’s publicity for the theater.” 

Morbid, but true. “The informant said the victim’s been dead for five years. Do you know who might have been here at that time?” 

“I’ve been the director for twelve years.” He thought for a moment, and then added, “Some of my crew has been here nearly that long.” 

“Do you have any employee records five years back? Actor names, too.” I sounded eager and I was. No one just wandered into an unknown building and walled someone up. Dump yes, took the time to conceal, doubtful. The killer might have some connection to this place or its people. He felt comfortable here, at home enough to sneak under the stage and do his dirty work. 

“That’s all in my office. I’ll look for it. The quickest way would be to get the playbills from then and go off of that,” Graham said. 

“Perfect, thank you. I’ll be waiting here for the crime scene unit. You might want to let your people go once my partner and I get everyone’s name and number so we can talk to them if we have to,” I replied. 

That done, I waited for Nami to crawl back out of the hell, camera in hand. She dusted off her suit, a dark, understated blue. Neither she nor I would give in to fashion and wear the too-popular ice cream colored suits on duty. I don’t care what Don Johnson did forty years ago. That was TV and this is reality, and I don’t look good in peach. Teal’s another story according to Kate. Nami agrees. I still say it isn’t happening. 

“Why can’t you ever get a hot tip on the races or something?” She brought the camera over for my inspection. 

“I was born under an unlucky star,” I replied. I’m sure if I delved into the astrology of my birth, there’d be a big flashing sign saying ‘unluckiest star in creation.’ I took a look at the photos. The camera’s flash had highlighted even more detail. “Looks like she took a hell of a beating.” 

“Plenty of broken bones, just from what little I can see,” Nami said, sitting beside me. This close, I could see the sprinkle of freckles on her cheeks, which always seemed odd to me on an Asian face. Having met Nami’s mother, a retired Air Force colonel, it made sense. Kirsten was six foot and so blonde she was nearly albino. Even her eyes were nearly colorless. Nami equaled her mom in height, standing her a good three inches over me, damn it.

“Abusive relationship.” 

“And you’d know that how? Care to tell me about this tip that never existed?” Nami’s eyes slotted. 

My phone saved me. I held up a finger to her as I answered it. “You got it? Thanks, go ahead.” I listened to the report on the searches I had initiated. It was just what I suspected. Now I had some hard questions for Ms. Nyhammer. I pocketed the phone. 

“Speak,” Nami ordered. 

“I was approached by the victim’s friend. She’s been trying to get law enforcement to listen to her about her friend’s disappearance for five years. No one paid her any mind. She’s always maintained that her friend was murdered. She compiled one hell of a file on it. But she had no idea where to look for the body until a psychic told her.” I prepared myself for the punch I rightly deserved for keeping my partner in the dark but it didn’t come. 

“Psychic?” she hissed. “Connor, are we suddenly in an episode of _X-Files: Rediscovered_? You came here, tore this place up, because a psychic told you too?” 

I shrugged. “She was right.” 

 

“We’re not waiting until tomorrow to talk to this tipster,” Nami said, and the look in her almond eyes said she thought the obvious. My tipster knew where the body was because she put it there. “I don’t care if we work all night.” 

“Agreed.” 

As we waited for CSU, we went back to Graham’s office to check on his progress on the paperwork. Once CSU was done and copies of all the playbills were handed over with the promise of employee records that hadn’t been tossed would be emailed by tomorrow, we made sure our victim was loaded onto the bus with a note to the medical examiner to send for the dental records of Maribel Garza. Too bad Dawn didn’t know the victim’s social security number, to help insure we got the right Garza’s dental records, but did give me her last place of employment and the phone number for the girl’s sister, Lissette. Between them we should be able to get that critical piece of information. I led the way back to my car. Nami was still quiet, a sure sign she was mad at me. After a while, she noticed I wasn’t driving back to the station. 

“We’re not going back to the house?” Her voice snapped like a whip. 

“I know where Ms. Nyhammer is, or at least I think I do.” 

“You have her phone number. You’re not going to call and have her meet us at the station.” Nami’s brown eyes sparked. “Or are you hoping catching her off-guard will shake things loose?” 

I gave her an air point. “That’s the plan.” 

“Do you think she killed her friend?” Nami’s voice carried doubt like a shroud. 

I wagged my head, dodging around a little old blue hair’s car, which was puttering down the road. “No, it would be crazy to point out such a good hiding place. The victim could have been there for decades otherwise.” 

“So this psychic is the real thing?” Nami rolled her eyes at me. 

“Is that so hard to believe?” I asked. “You believe in ghosts and all sorts of other silly stuff you see in horror movies.” 

“I believe in ghosts but not things I see in horror films, like vampires and werewolves for example,” Nami corrected me. 

I tried not to laugh. “Fine. Anyhow, I’ve done a background search on both Nyhammer and her psychic. I don’t think the psychic has ever been on the west coast. I have Nyhammer’s records that she compiled in the trunk. I’ll give it to you later. It’ll explain it better.” 

“So why does this neighborhood look familiar?” Nami pointed out the window. 

“You came out here once with me when my sister-in-law got hurt badly, and Wes and I came out here to bring her some get-well goodies.” I wasn’t sure when Buffy decided that she was my sister-in-law and Angel was my brother but it worked should I ever be so unfortunate to be around Angel in public. 

“So we’re coming here because?” Nami curled her lip, losing patience. 

“Let’s just say Nyhammer is close to Buffy.” 

“So why the subterfuge? Why not just ask you straight out for help?” 

“Don’t know.” I shrugged watching two young boys dart out into traffic on their bikes. “Probably because I hate my brother, and Buffy knows it. They’d never think to just give me the benefit of the doubt when it comes to doing my job.” 

“If she’s family, Connor, you’re the last person who should be investigating this,” Nami said, reminding me of proper procedure. 

I shook my head, trying to find the right road. It had been so long since I’d been to Dad’s. “I’ve never met Nyhammer until last night. She’s Buffy’s sister if the background check is correct, but she’s a complete stranger to me.” 

“I’m not liking this.” 

“You’re not alone.” 

Nami fell back into a moody silence, which lasted until I pulled up in the drive to Dad’s house. I got out first, made sure my badge was visible on my belt. I wanted to give them no doubt I was there on business. The 9mm I had would probably do that on its own. I pushed the doorbell. It was dark outside so either of them could answer the door but it opened to Buffy. Her eyes widened, her lips parting in shock. I hadn’t seen her since Giles’ funeral eight months ago, or should I say one of the viewings. I didn’t make it to the grave side ceremony because of an invasion of Child Guzzlers that I had to deal with along with two of the other Slayers. I usually timed my visits to the L.A. Watchers’ complex to when I knew she wasn’t around. We had been working well together over the years but lately she had gotten more abrasive with me so I assumed she didn’t want me around for some damn reason. Probably Angel.

“Connor, what are you doing here?” She canted her gaze over to Nami but she didn’t look too surprised to see my partner. 

“I think you know, Buffy. Is Ms. Nyhammer here?” I asked. 

Buffy bit her bottom lip and nodded. “Come in.” 

“You remember my partner,” I said, going into the foyer with Nami following.

“Yes.” Buffy gave me a questioning look. Her expression said she knew it was bad news but I volunteered nothing nor did Nami. 

Buffy led us into the living room. Angel sat in a chair, and he saw us first. He seemed surprised but I’m sure I did, too. What the hell had happened to his hair? Dawn trailed off whatever she was saying, following his gaze. She stood, casting wary looks between me and Nami. I could tell she wasn’t expecting us and was off-balanced. Good. That was exactly what I wanted, hoping she’d be less guarded and more open to the hard questions. 

“I...I thought you were going to call. How did...you know, don’t you?” She trembled. I saw the stress in her eyes, and it was mounting quickly. 

I didn’t bother to answer the obvious. “This is my partner, Nami Asakura. I’m sorry to tell you this, Ms. Nyhammer, but we found a body exactly where you said we would.” 

Her knees went a little weak, and Dad was on his feet, catching her before she collapsed. She covered her mouth with a shaking hand. 

“We’re very sorry,” Nami repeated. 

“Thank you for coming out here to tell her in person,” Buffy said, moving past us to take her sister in her arms. 

I wrinkled my nose, suddenly a little less happy about having to do my duty. Damn it, it was proper procedure, to hell with the fact Buffy and Angel wouldn’t like it much that I was upsetting Dawn. “We would like you to come with us to the station and answer some questions, Ms. Nyhammer,” I said, and the reactions were immediate and exactly what I expected. 

“What?” Dad barked, his arms enclosing Dawn and Buffy tightly. “Why?” 

“Dawnie, you don’t have to go anywhere.” The look of loathing in Buffy’s eyes for me was more than the situation warranted. What had I done wrong now? 

“She’s absolutely right, Ms. Nyhammer,” Nami said. “You aren’t under arrest. It’s just a request.” 

“Why?” Dawn managed to squeak out. I felt sorry for her. 

“You are the closest link we have to the victim, if indeed this turns out to be Maribel Garza,” I said, taking a few steps closer, half-expecting Buffy to break free of Dad and hit me. “And if nothing else, you had knowledge of where a body was disposed of. You’ve come this far to help your friend. Surely you’re not going to stop now,” I added. 

“Can’t you talk to her here?” Angel asked. 

“We could but it would be more conducive back at the station,” I said. “We have to get the whole chain of events down and input the details into the computer. It’ll save time we could use for investigation if we don’t have to do it twice.” 

“Does it have to be now? You just told Dawn her friend is dead,” Buffy snapped, smoothing Dawn’s hair. 

“That is the unfortunate part of our job,” Nami said. “It’s best done when fresh in one’s mind.” 

“What fresh? Maribel disappeared years ago.” Buffy stalked up to me, daring me to naysay her. 

“We just need clarification on some of the details in Ms. Nyhammer’s file,” I replied. 

“Dawn, her name is Dawn, and you damn well know it.” Buffy shoved me, and Dad reached out to pull her back. Buffy escaped his questing hand. Technically, I could take her in for that but I let it pass, holding a hand up to keep Nami quiet about it. 

“Really? She did a good job of only giving me half a story. Now I’d like the other half if she doesn’t mind. I know it’s hard right now but it’s needed,” I said that directly to Dawn. 

“It’s okay.” Dawn broke away from Dad. “I want to help. I’ll go with them. They’re right. It needs to be done. It’s not like I didn’t know this was coming.” 

“Thank you.” I waved a hand toward the front door. Dawn came with us willingly. I felt the hot glare of Buffy’s fury between my shoulder blades. 

We let her sit and cry silently in the back seat of our car. We escorted her into the station to an interrogation room. Dawn squirmed in her seat. The room was dull grey and mostly empty except for a computer chained to the wall, a table and chairs but still managed to be intimidating. 

“Is there anything we can get for you, Ms. Nyhammer?” Nami asked. “Something to drink?” 

“Could I have some water?” She rubbed her reddened nose with a tissue. “And could you please call me Dawn?” 

“Of course.” I passed the file I had rescued from the trunk to Nami. 

Before I could go get her some water, there was a knock at the door. It opened immediately. A man, actually shorter than me, came in. He ran a nervous hand through his brown hair. It had gotten more streaked with white this past year than ever before. I could tell he didn’t want to be in here from the look in his blue eyes. 

“Counselor?” I asked. 

“Um, sorry,” Lindsey McDonald said. “Dawn, your sister asked me to get you some help. I’m going to send for Liz Silberman. She’s an excellent defense attorney.” 

“Why? She’s not under arrest. Dawn can walk out of here any time she wants. She doesn’t need a lawyer,” I said, wanting to put my fist through a wall, a perfectly good substitute for my family. 

“She wants to talk to us,” Nami added. 

Lindsey looked at Dawn who nodded. “It’s okay, Lindsey. I don’t need a lawyer. I’m not a suspect, right?” 

“Right but she does know who the primary suspect is, and she’s here to tell us about it. You bring in a lawyer, and an already cold case is going to get a whole lot colder,” I growled. 

“Fine.” Lindsey seemed relieved. He passed a card to Dawn. “That’s her number if you change your mind.” 

Lindsey let himself out, and I followed, shutting the door behind me. 

“What the hell was that about?” I asked. 

He turned to face me, his shoulders slumping. “Look, Buffy called me and said you dragged Dawn out of her house, and that she needed help.” 

“That’s because Buffy’s being an overprotective bitch. She was the one who sent Dawn to me in the first place.” 

Lindsey shook his head. “Actually it was Kate. Buffy wanted Kate to do it.” 

I narrowed my eyes. I knew Kate had been acting funny yesterday. “Whatever. You tell Buffy you did your best. Dawn neither wants nor needs a lawyer, and if Buffy gets in the way of my investigation again, I’m going to knock her down.” 

“Look I want out, too. I’m the riding D.A. on this, and I don’t need any conflicts of interest as it is,” Lindsey snapped, and I didn’t blame him. I’ve worked with Lindsey for the last six years. He had retrained or whatever lawyers did when they changed directions and now he was a prosecutor for L.A. County. “You really have a suspect? This case is over five years old.” 

“I know. I’m still waiting on the M.E. but if that body turns out to be Maribel Garza’s then yes, I do, her husband. Dawn told me Garza’s husband was abusive, and she was trying to leave him when she disappeared. He told anyone who’ll listen she ran off and left him and their son. Once I get confirmation on the victim’s identity, I have a trail to start down.” 

“Good,” he said, heading down the corridor. 

“And Lindsey, for interfering with my case I’m going to get Kate to kick your ass,” I said. 

His blue eyes widened. “Don’t do that.” 

I just gave him one of my flat, cold smiles and went into the break room three bottled waters for us. By the time we were done questioning Dawn, we’d all be tired and thirsty.


	4. Dawn

Chapter Four – Dawn  
 _I think I’ve finally had enough  
I think I maybe think too much  
I think this might be it for us_  
 **Blow me (one last kiss)- P!nk**

When Connor dropped me off, it was nearly midnight, not late by a Watcher’s standards but the hours with Connor and Nami had drained me entirely. I hoped to slip into Buffy and Angel’s Victorian unseen but neither of them was out judging by the lights on in the window and the silhouettes I could see against the living room curtains. Buffy didn’t patrol like she used to, but Angel did. Sighing, I let myself in with the spare key and walked directly into the living room. I might as well get this out of the way.

Buffy jumped off the couch. “Dawn! Are you all right?”

I flopped into a chair. “Why wouldn’t I be, Buffy? I wasn’t a suspect. Connor and Nami had a ton of questions about Sean and all the notes I had made over the years.”

“Well, how could I tell with the way he dragged you out of here?” Buffy sat down, obviously in a fury and probably had been since I had left.

I glanced at Angel who looked so withdrawn a turtle had nothing on him. Yes, my sister was in rare form. “Connor didn’t drag me anywhere. I wanted to help. I already knew Maribel was dead, Buffy. That’s why I asked him to look into it. Yes, it was hard to have confirmation, but I’ve been waiting for this day ever since she disappeared.”

Buffy’s shoulders slumped. “He looked so angry when you left.”

“I did hide half the truth from him, and your stunt with Lindsey really pissed him off, so kudos. Thanks for that.” I rolled my eyes. “But it’s fine now. They have to wait to hear what the crime scene unit got from where Maribel had been walled up, but it looks likely he’ll be able to arrest Sean soon. I was worried Sean would take his son and run but Connor assured me they had police watching the place to hopefully prevent that.”

 

“So, it worked out as well as something like this could,” Angel said, rubbing Buffy’s arm.

Tears pricked my eyes, and I dashed them away. “Yeah.”

“Connor could have said that here, instead of acting like you’re some sort of criminal.”

I stared at Buffy for a moment wondering where the hostility toward Connor was coming from. They had worked together to fight the good fight for years. Had she always been so resentful? Was it a product of Connor’s stubborn refusal to mend fences with Angel? As something else at play?

Whatever it was, I didn’t have enough spoons left to deal with it. “He’s going to have to leave the questioning to Nami and another detective. He can’t be there,” I said, trying to steer the conversation back to where I want it to go.

“He’s giving up?” Buffy widened her eyes her eyes.

“No, he’s annoyed but I brought the case to him, and they think you’re his sister-in-law,” I said when the reality was even scarier.

“Oh yeah, guess I should have realized that would make him too close to the case.”

“Exactly. From things they said, I think his boss isn’t too keen about the whole psychic lead thing.”

“I can see where that would be an issue. They don’t honestly think you’re involved?” Angel asked.

“They questioned me like they did but no, as I said, Connor knows better. They already had a record of how many different detectives I’d contacted about this over the years. I’d have to be the dumbest criminal ever to do that, not to mention giving up such a good hiding place. It was exhausting.” I shuddered, rubbing my arms. “Connor has a terrible job in so many ways. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad someone’s out there doing this, but it has to be so hard.”

“I wish he had done anything else,” Angel said. “But on the other hand, like you said, I’m glad he’s out there working to catch the killers. Kate tells me he’s very good at what he does.”

“I’d hate to have to face him as a suspect. I’d probably pee myself. He’s intense and you can see it, no offense, Angel. He is the top predator.”

Angel shook his head. “He is. I can’t deny it. You don’t have to appease me, Dawn. I know my son’s faults and strengths.”

“Good. I appreciate you waited up for me, but this has left me exhausted.”

“Go get some sleep.” Buffy patted my shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“And I’m sorry if I made it worse.”

I smiled at her. “Thanks, Buffy. I needed to hear that. You don’t have to fight my battles for me. It shouldn’t _be_ a battle between me and Connor. Even if they have to look into me because I knew where Maribel was walled up, I was very visible across the country at an art show when she disappeared. He knows I didn’t kill her. I suppose I could have hired someone to kill Maribel and hide her away, but like I said, I’d have to be an idiot to reveal such a great hiding spot.”

“Unless it was a case of the Telltale Heart,” Angel muttered, and I eyed him sourly. “Just saying. Connor might have to consider it.”

“I know but like I said, he was already looking at Maribel’s husband thanks to all the info I handed them. There were domestic violence reports against Sean, so Connor has reasons to investigate.”

“I hope it works out like you want, Dawn,” Angel said. 

“Thanks. If not, I have to be content that at least she’s been found, that will have to be enough. However, I think Connor and Nami will get Maribel justice. I haven’t met the other detective yet, the one Nami will have to work with since I’m sort of half family or whatever we want to call this. I mean, I think I’m technically a step aunt, and that’s too creepy to think about.”

Buffy snorted. “And that’s why I say I’m a sister-in-law. I can’t handle the thought of being his stepmom.”

I wagged her head. “And on that note, I’m out. Good night.”

I climbed the stairs to my guest room. It was too late to shower. It would wake me up and I wasn’t ready for that. I rolled into bed, but my mind refused to shut down. I kept picturing poor Maribel walled away in the theater. I told Connor how I thought that had happened. Amanda, Sean’s current wife, was a wanna be actress. I bet she’d have acted in that theater at least once. Neither detective would tell me how Maribel had died. I wasn’t sure if they even knew yet. I prayed to whatever higher power there was that Maribel hadn’t been walled up alive. I couldn’t imagine anything more horrendous than that. It couldn’t have been that way, right? Someone would have heard her.

I forced Maribel’s terrible death out of mind but that left room for Connor to worm in. I don’t know why he interested me so. No, maybe I did. Just from a Watcher point of view, Connor’s very existence was worthy of notice. Giles and I had long talks about it. He and Wes both thought Connor and I would benefit from talking to each other since our heads were a mess of fake memories and our existence so unique.

Buffy, on the other hand, had been so reluctant for me to meet Connor that it piqued my interest as well. It could be because she was so over protective of Angel and Connor such an asshole to his father, but I suspected it ran deeper. Buffy was unwilling to talk about it. Opportunities for conversations were rare as we lived on opposite coasts. I hadn’t been willing to risk upsetting Chris by making time to talk to with another man. My husband had been kind about all the time I spent away from home but that would have been pushing it.

I rarely even saw Buffy and Angel. Maybe that would change after the divorce. I could see me moving out of New York City. I missed Connor at Giles’s funeral. He volunteered to do Slayer duties so Buffy could grieve.

I’d been in London when Faith passed. Faith had given me such a different picture of Connor than Buffy or Giles or Willow for that matter. I didn’t know if I had different pieces of the same puzzle, if Connor was Janus-faced, or people’s perceptions were wildly skewed

Was I a bad Watcher for not attempting to talk to the son of two vampires? Would he be willing to talk to me now? Would it matter to him that I could commiserate about a head full of fake memories? For that matter, did I want to sympathize or was that topic better left untouched?

Would I get to see him fight while I was here? Part of me hoped not. I wanted a peaceful trip. On the other hand, Connor’s skill in battle was the one thing Buffy and Faith agreed upon. He must be something to watch, and I struggled to picture it. He was really not much bigger than me in height or width, so he had to look like his mom. I remember meeting Darla when she attacked Mom. I know that memory was a lie.

The other things Faith had told me Buffy had no way of knowing unless her love life was creepier than I ever suspected. Part of me wanted to see Connor’s tattoos just for the art of them because Faith said they were amazing. The raunchy part of me wanted to see if Faith and the other Slayers who’d talked to me about it were right. Could he be fierce in bed especially since he didn’t look like much? Chris had always been gentle, almost timid with me, and I wanted fire. Chris had never been particularly fiery, but I accepted that as a tradeoff for him being mostly free of toxic masculinity and understanding of my demanding job.

Thinking about my husband, I picked up my phone from the night stand. Ten texts each demanding me to come home, getting more strident as they went; so much for understanding. To hell with waiting until I got home. I was going to have my lawyer, Ms. Katz, get started on the divorce proceedings. It was a risk. I could get home and find the locks changed and my belongings in a dumpster. I’d talk to both Katz and Chris in the morning. For now, I needed to fight for some sleep.


	5. Spike

Chapter Five– Spike

_After my dreaming_  
I woke with this fear   
**Leave Out All the Rest – Linkin Park**

 

I sat outside my home back in London, smoking. Mary Ellen wouldn’t let me do it in the house. If I was being honest, our home was outside of London, and it was a cottage in one of the new and purposely decentralized Watcher complexes. Bloody hell, how did it come to this? Rupert had asked for my help, and that had flattered me. Damn if I didn’t miss the man. And at the time I had needed out of L.A. Fred was gone taking a little piece of me with her. I owed her for the attempts she’d made to return my body to me. I’d loved her just a little.

Not like Dru or Buffy, but still. And there was Buffy. Me and Peaches tried sharing her. I’d joked about a _Sister Wives_ spin off, _Brother Husbands_ but it hadn’t been funny. Me and Angel had _never_ shared easily. We are flawed, jealous men, and in the end, Buffy wasn’t cut out for polyamory.

And then came Dru. Maybe I’d have fought harder for Buffy if not for Dru and what happened after the idiot band of one-time Watchers decided if having a soul made me and Peaches biddable, even useful to the cause, why not do it wholesale? They had started with Drusilla without telling me or Angel. They figured they’d loop us in after the fact, and since it was Dru, we’d be motivated to help her.

The Watchers had that part right. Only Drusilla had been a pious thing once. It might have been merciful to let her kill herself afterwards but that was a ‘sin,’ and she couldn’t do it, as if she hadn’t committed a million worse sins over the last century plus. Neither of us could end her. The Slayers kept out of it seeing as it was some of their Watchers who had done it. Even Angel’s jerk of a son didn’t want to deal with it. To be fair, I actually liked Connor but I’m not blind to the fact he could be a total wanker. Of course, Connor freely admitted it, wore it like a badge of honor. Hell, who didn’t want to be a dick to Angel? Certainly, I enjoyed it.

Watching Drusilla’s agony caused by wrestling with what her unsouled self had done - not to mention that orbs of Thessulah were a relatively rare commodity - the experiment came to an abrupt end. We did our best to help Dru. In the end, she rejected Angel, understandable since he’d been the one to inflict all this harm on her. Regret and remorse kept her bound to me. Briefly we attempted to renew our relationship, but it felt hollow and sad. She stayed with me because she recognized she couldn’t do it alone. I found Mary Ellen not long after. Dru remained alone and honestly seemed happier for it.

So, I had left Los Angeles with Drusilla, trying to help reintegrate her with society, showing her how to survive without preying on and killing humans. It hadn’t been easy and harder still knowing we were no longer in love. Our feelings were far more complicated and helping to take care of her made me feel needed. She stayed inside the Watcher complex itself in a small basement apartment that seemed to make her happy. As far as I knew she had become as celibate as a nun, only venturing outside if there was a mission they needed her for. She still had the visions though, which made her valuable to the Watchers, another reason no one wanted to dust her.

I listened to the soft footfalls approaching. Not Dru’s, but ones I knew well. “What’s up, pet?”

“You’re never going to quit, are you?”

I smiled over my shoulder at Mary Ellen, a Slayer from the Mi’kmaq tribe in Cape Breton. “You knew that before you moved in with me.”

“Pretty sure you moved in with me.” Mary Ellen sat on the ground next to me, our shoulders touching. She hadn’t wanted to leave Cape Breton for London, but a Slayer had to do what a Slayer had to do. Mary Ellen was a pretty thing, all hard muscle. Dark skin, dark hair, eyes the color of pitch, she was unlike most of the women I’d been with and in ways other than looks. Drusilla and even Buffy in her way had been damaged but Mary Ellen was the most stable woman I’d ever known.

I remembered seeing her first on a mission with Faith, Connor and Willow in Halifax. She fought particularly well, almost like dancing. Mary Ellen had heard from Faith about me and Connor. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that after Faith had told the Slayers about the advantages of having a man as strong as me, Connor and the poof, especially when let loose in bed, many Slayers sought us out. Me and Connor had become Slayer gigolos if I’m honest about it. I didn’t do that anymore, having gotten in with Mary Ellen but I suspected Connor still slept with any of the Slayers who wanted it. Faith hadn’t let him get as close to her as I had to Mary Ellen. No, maybe she had but they had their reasons for not being an official couple. Him being Angel’s son and a cop probably topped the list.

Ironic really, since me and Mary Ellen were comfortable but not really in love. She preferred to be unencumbered that way, and my heart had been broken too many times. I knew damn well Faith and Connor had loved each other as deeply as either of their damaged souls could manage.

“I was thinking about Dru’s vision.” Mary Ellen settled her hand over mine. “I’m thinking I should petition to go to L.A. on temporary assignment.”

I grimaced. I wasn’t sure I was up to going there and seeing Buffy and Angel. Yet, for some reason they had invited me and Mary Ellen to the anniversary celebration but that might be too hard for me. I hadn’t discussed it with Mary Ellen. At least she wasn’t the only Slayer in London so getting permission to travel wouldn’t be too hard. She really wanted to go home to Halifax, and I’d consider going with her. “I want to say no but if Dru’s right, and she almost always is, it might be too much for Peaches and Buffy to handle on their own.”

“Dru’s already packing and chattering about seeing her baby brother.”

I snorted. “I’m sure Connor can’t wait.” I doubted that Connor wanted to have much to do with Drusilla, but he would do what he had to if there was a big bad. He’d even speak to Angel in that case. Damn, he was a hard ass but growing up in hell probably did that to a bloke.

“Do her visions ever get more specific? I mean knowing something terrible is heading for Los Angeles and our friends are all well and good, but wouldn’t it be more helpful if she knew exactly what, where, and when?” Mary Ellen sighed, leaning against my shoulder.

“Sometimes.” I lit up. “I think when she was still human everyone feared her, told her to hide her gift, maybe even thought she was a witch or possessed by the devil. I’m not sure if it was entirely her idea to take holy orders or something her family guided her to. Dru learned to suppress part of her gift, and then Angelus, like the big idiot he is, broke her mind. What good is a seer if she can’t tell you exactly what she’s seeing? Not sure Angelus thought that through but like I said, he always was a wanker, never big on brains. You should have heard Darla on that subject.” I grinned at the memory. “So, we take what we can get, luv.”

Mary Ellen nodded. “Will Connor even be there? He doesn’t like to get involved much.”

“If the big bad is as bad as Dru thinks, he’ll be there bitching his way through, so like his mother.” I took a long drag, thinking back on those days. Lately, I’d been nostalgic for them, but it was a false sense of happiness. It has been easier to be a monster than it was to be a white hat.

“You okay?” She nudged me.

“Yeah,” I lied. “Just not looking forward to the long flight.”

“You get to stretch out in a coffin and sleep. I’ll be the one shoehorned in between two sweaty men in coach.”

I snorted. “It’s no picnic in that coffin but I suppose it’s better than your scenario.” Not really, too many bad memories of clawing my way out that first time.

“I don’t like this,” Mary Ellen said. “This sounds like a whole hell of a lot of trouble heading their way, especially for Angel’s kid. Are you calling him?”

“I’ll call both of them while you work on getting permission to go to L.A..”

“Okay.”

I followed her in, dreading these calls. Angel and the brat would want to know details. Dru hadn’t seen whatever it was clearly but it had been enough to scare her into a tizzy. I hadn’t seen her that bad in ages. It tugged at my heart, that piece of it I hadn’t gotten back from her. It might be an even bigger piece than the one I’d left with Buffy. No wonder there wasn’t much left over for Mary Ellen. Was I ready to have the three women together in one place? Guess I was about to find out.


	6. Connor

Chapter Six – Connor

_To feel like you’ve been pushed around_  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one’s there to save you   
No, you don’t know what it’s like  
Welcome to my life   
**Welcome to my life – Simple Plan**

 

“Do I need to put out a BOLO for your mind? I think it’s run free.”

I blinked at Nami realizing she’d been talking to me. I’d been busy running over the situations with Dawn and Buffy and god help me, picturing what the fuck was happening with Angel’s hair. Buffy had a lot to answer for between pissing me off and just plain disturbing me with the hairstyle she’d inflicted on my father.

“Yeah, it’s gone. I’m sorry. My family is being an enormous pain in my ass.”

“What with tricking you into helping your sister-in-law’s sister with a case involving freaking psychics? Let me put on my surprised face.”

“Tell me what I missed.” I barely restrained my eye roll.

“We got the autopsy report, and the lab called and said they found something.”

“Couldn’t ask for more. Let’s tackle the autopsy first.” I crowded up to Nami’s desk.

She brought up the report, and we read it together. The medical examiner couldn’t determine if Maribel died of blunt force trauma to the head or if the broken hyoid from strangulation was the actual cause of death, but she listed Maribel’s death as homicide. In addition, Maribel had a broken arm, hand bones and ribs. Dr. Rowbottom believed she most likely had been stomped. It’d had been a horrific death, slow and painful.

I’d hate for Dawn to know the truth of it. I couldn’t tell her now because it was an active case, but decided it was likely she’d attend any trial that might happen. Dawn would learn of it then. After all was said and done, and if Dawn still wanted to know, I’d tell her. Dawn was a Watcher, so she was tough.

“Now we know. Not like we thought she walled herself up,” Nami said as my android watch beeped, letting me know I’d been emailed.

I glanced down and saw it was from the theater director. “I really want this guy to suffer. You and Julio do a number on him if he won’t confess.” I was still miffed that Nami had to work the case with Julio Bautista, but in a way that was good. It got Julio away from his old timer partner, Bob Lawson, who was too smart to be overheard when he was busy making his racist, homophobic or misogynistic remarks. The bastard should just retire and go somewhere really white – but not Ireland because he hated us Irish too – and the force would be better for it.

“Don’t you worry. Lab next?”

I shook my head. “I want to see the roster the director just sent me. Let’s see if there are any familiar names.” I rolled the task chair back to my desk and pulled up the email. I opened the roaster and typed in the name Dawn had given me, Amanda Moon, now Amanda Fury. She popped up on the third page. “Bingo.”

“Think she helped?” Nami asked.

“She might even be the one to kill Maribel.” I shrugged. “Though with strangulation, I’m betting on him. She might have had access to the theater though. It probably wouldn’t have been hard to leave a door unlocked. Let me see if he was on the staff too.”

“It doesn’t look good for Mr. Fury.”

“Nope.”

Sean’s name didn’t pop up when I did a search. I typed in Dawn’s name.

“Really?” Nami arched her eyebrows at me.

“Can’t have them saying we didn’t do our due diligence. You know they’re going to want a better explanation of how she knew other than psychic clue.”

“You’re not going to try and connect any of these actors to her or her bank accounts, are you?” Nami wrinkled her nose.

“Not unless I have more solid suspicious which I’m not anticipating. Sean and Amanda’s accounts maybe but I doubt they paid to kill her. Pretty sure given his record he did it with his bare hands. I just don’t get it, never have.”

“What?”

“I get why abused women sometimes stay with their abusers. I can understand the fear of what happens if I leave, but I don’t get how someone can go with someone they _know_ have been abusers and think he’ll never do it to me. I mean it’s one thing if they weren’t abusive until after they’re together but when they know….”

“I know. It’s a mystery to me,” She dialed the lab putting the phone on speaker when the lab answered. She said, “Asakura and Devlin returning your call.”

“Oh, hey detectives we have good news for you. Some of the debris under her fingernails was too degraded for a full DNA panel but we have enough a partial match.”

“That’s not good news,” I replied. It wasn’t good enough to go to court with these days.

“No, but we also have finger prints from the inside of the boards. I just didn’t want to do the whole good news bad news routine,” she replied brightly, and I rolled my eyes. “We’ve already run them against your suspect. His were on file from the times our victim reported him for domestic violence.”

“Tell me they’re a match.” I drummed on the desk excited to put a nail in this particular coffin.

“Perfect.”

“Excellent! Thanks.”

“Happy to help. Devlin, did you really follow a psychic lead to find our victim?”

I could hear the laughter not quite voiced in her words. “It’s gonna sound like I’m hanging up now.” I pressed the disconnect. “Does everyone know?”

“Naturally. Did you think you could keep a secret in a hoard of detectives?” Nami laughed, patting my shoulder.

Oh, I kept so many secrets. She had no idea and would probably hate me like everyone else if she knew how many secrets I held. “So, are we bringing him in?”

“Julio and I will be. You get to do the boring scut work.”

I sighed, knowing there was no choice. I didn’t want any improprieties cropping up if and when this went to court. The psychic angle was bad enough. As if thinking about psychics stirred something in me or maybe it was the late-night conversation with Spike, but I felt the waves of it coming now, this thing I’ve hated since I first manifested the ability. There was more to me than just brute strength thanks to my bizarre heritage.

“Excuse me,” I muttered, staggering to my feet. I barely made it to the bathroom and shut myself into a stall before it really hit.

If I could see myself, I knew my eyes would be solid white, light glimmering free of them. Images flooded my brain. A whirlwind of bodies and dust congealing into a woman, first Cordelia, then Mother and then finally Faith. The look on their faces was of heart-breaking confusion and terror.

The visuals panned out like a movie shot. I stood there next to Angel, Spike, Dru and Buffy. All of us shook in rage and fear. What was this horrible prophecy? I slumped against the stall as the vision left my brain, leaving it scoured. I stood there, nostrils burning from the overall stink of the men’s room where I swear my coworkers made me question their ability to aim. The smell was still more pleasant than the vision. As I calmed myself, hoping my eyes weren’t still whited out, I pulled my phone out, texting ‘Wes we need to talk.’

Pocketing it, I dared to leave the stall. Touching the stall door made me wash my hands vigorously and forced me to look at myself in the mirror; eyes normal, otherwise I looked like shit. I staggered back to my desk and slumped down.

Nami arched her eyebrows. “You do know Chief Matthews isn’t going to fire you for bringing us this crappy psychic evidence case, right? You looked worried.”

I waved her off. “More worried about how much contact I’ll have to have with my family because of it,” I lied. Okay maybe that wasn’t a lie. Between this case, Spike and Dru’s warning and now that fucking vision, I was going to be dealing with more Angel than I wanted.

“Are you ever going to tell me why you hate your brother so much?”

“You don’t want to get into the middle of my family mess.”

Nami’s features pinched. “You do get _you’re_ family, right? You’re godfather to my kids. I’m not sure Kaito and Suzume know Uncle Connor isn’t blood related.”

I managed a weak smile. “The blue eyes should give it away.”

“And you’ll remember Mom’s Scandinavian.”

“Fair point.” I sighed. Nami had no clue about the demonic realities of the world nor did I want her to. “It started with Angel being pissed because he thought I stole his girl, not Buffy, and later he betrayed me. He’s great at gas lighting me so it’s best that we have little to do with each other.”

She scowled at me, her face going pale. Her freckles stood out. “I thought you said he wanted to make amends.”

I shrugged. Angel did, and I believed he was sincere. He should have tried that before Medusa rendered my heart stone. “He does. He also has a picture in his head reading ‘this is how Connor should be,’ only that guy isn’t me. He’ll just be disappointed.”

Nami opened her mouth, and then closed it. I suspected she wanted to say, ‘give him a chance,’ and then decided that might be unwise.

Nami’s phone chirped, breaking the awkward tension, and she checked the text. “Julio is on his way. They’re bringing Sean and Amanda in.”

I wet my lips, angry to miss out on the interrogation. I wanted to be the one to make Fury squirm. The key to any good investigation was to get them squirming. If I made Fury confess, maybe Buffy wouldn’t be pissed over whatever the fuck she thought I’d done. Why the hell did it even matter? I had no answer to that.

“Are you going to sit there being angry?” Nami asked.

“Yes.”

She patted my arm. “I’ll leave you to it, then.”

XXX

I slammed a fist into the punching bag, nearly knocking it free of its mooring. The L.A. branch of the Watchers kept a fantastic gym for Slayers and Watchers alike in the redone lower floors of the Hyperion. Wes told me that my unleashing the sluhks on the place way back when had uncovered an Art Deco era pool that he’d gotten a grant to restore. Wes had me on the books as an unpaid Special Ops Watcher. Give me another decade and I’d be paid and hiding my unnatural youth within their ranks.

“I thought you wanted to talk, or do you just want to hit things?” Wes asked, sarcastic as fuck as he sipped tea - how ridiculously British of him - while he watched.

“Can’t I do both?” I punctuated each word with a blow to the bag.

“It’s you. We know you can do both. However, I find it distracting. Besides you’re supposed to be eating lunch.”

I threw a kick into the bag this time, knocking it from the ceiling. I left it where it lay. “Fine.”

“Is Buffy’s deception the cause of all this angst?”

I tossed myself down at the table next to him. The ice cream parlor table along one wall of the work out room had become a fixture because the Slayers - and me - preferred to work out while talking. I took a big bite of my triple meat and cheese In-n-Out burger, no damn tomato, before I poured myself a cup of tea from the pot because Wes had long ago infected me with the need for the beverage. I loaded it with sugar and honey until Wes rolled his eyes.

“It would be easier to just spoon the honey directly into your mouth, Connor.”

I flipped him the bird. “And no, this has nothing to do with Buffy.” I glanced around even though I knew we were alone in the work out room. “Angel, isn’t lurking around somewhere?” If I ran into Daddy Dearest, it was usually here at the Watcher’s complex.

“Not that I’m aware of.”

“I had a vision Wes, brief and confusing. It’s not as vague as Dru’s and I feel as unsettled as she does.” I shrugged, slugging back some caffeinated sucrose.

“Ah more so than usual.”

Wes knew how much I hated the thing I’d evolved into slowly but surely. New abilities appeared magically, which as much as I still hated it, I was also grateful for it. It could be mostly hidden. I could usually keep the visions at bay long enough to let me hide somewhere and not freak out my unsuspecting human friends. Heaven help me if I suddenly sprouted horns or fangs or scaly armor in this gradual evolution into my true supernatural heritage. I’d probably drop myself into the ocean with a rock around my neck if that happened. Wes had had Angel draw up what the demon inside him looked like after their misadventures in Pylea where they saw the true form. Holy fuck, if I started looking anything like that, I would seriously kill myself. It’s not as if I hadn’t tried more than once at this point anyhow.

“I saw something like a tornado of grave dirt that formed a body. First off it became....” I trailed off. Wes went whiter than clouds, and he looked about as substantial as one. “What? What did I say?”

“Connor, how much do you know about how your mother was brought back to life? You and I never talked about this,” Wes said, pouring himself more tea with trembling hands. 

“Nothing, just that it happened.” I didn’t want to know then. I don’t want to know now. “Please, Wes, don’t tell me.”

“In the scrolls of Aberjian there were many facts that apply to our path in life,” he plowed on, ignoring me. “Like the Shanshu, where the vampire with a soul will eventually become human.”

“Dad or Spike or Dru?”

“At the time only Angel had a soul, so we’ve always assumed it was him but now, none of us know.” Wes’s shoulders slumped. “But also in there was a ritual using vampires to raise the dead. It atomized them, from what Angel told me.”

“You didn’t see it yourself?” I broke in. It’s a habit at this point, too many police interrogations under my belt. Hearsay isn’t as useful as eye witness testimony.

He shook his head. “No, Wolfram and Hart had bombed our headquarters, and I was nearly killed. Cordy was already hospitalized as they had used yet another spell from the scroll to drive her insane.” Wes licked his lips. “We’ve had a lot of dark times, haven’t we?”

“Yeah. So, this spell...do I really want to know this, Wes?”

“No, I’m sure you don’t. But you need to. Once those vampires were dust in a vortex, it was sucked into a box and somehow, that magic used them to bring back Darla. You’d have to ask Angel, or better yet, Lindsey for more details.”

I wrinkled my nose. “What the hell does Lindsey have to do with this?”

“He was a Wolfram and Hart lawyer, granted he’d quit by the time you were born. I know you know this.”

I nodded. Lindsey and I actually were pretty good friends at this point. I knew his past. I knew he’d known Mom. We’d bonded over our disdain for Angel even though we both knew we owed him. Assholes in crime, I guess. “Somehow he missed telling me he brought my damn mother back from the fucking dead,” I growled, my temper ramping up. I made no attempts to bite it back. “That’s what you’re saying isn’t it?”

“I think he was there more as an observer but yes. That’s how Angel ended up cutting off Lindsey’s hand.”

 

I sighed, slumping over on the table. “Why does everyone we know love to lie by omission?”

“At this point with your job I’d think you’d be very familiar with the hows and whys of it,” Wes countered.

“Bite me.” I lifted my head. “You’re saying my vision might mean someone is trying to bring someone back from the dead.”

“I’m saying talk to Lindsey as I know you still don’t want your father to know about your visions.” Wes sipped his tea. “I think you need to rethink that.”

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll talk to Lindsey. Wes, I saw Mom, Faith and Cordy in that vision. Angel and I were there looking on in horror. Spike, Dru and Buffy were there too, just as helpless. The woman’s face kept switching. I don’t know who it’ll be. Hell, it could be any or all of them, but it doesn’t matter who. They were terrified and in pain from the process, and us white hats were paralyzed by what happened. Why would they do this? It has to be costly to perform magic this big.”

Wes nodded, sipping more tea. I mirrored him, needing the warm comfort of hot sugar. “Last time Wolfram and Hart wanted to make Angel go dark. They needed Angelus for their end of days.”

I grunted. I’d learned long ago that Angel had nothing to do with dragging mom back from her rest, so I really wanted few details about that time, stubbornly not wanting to know the good of my father. “What came of trying to bring back Angelus?”

Wes arched his eyebrows. “You!”

I winced as if that word had been a dagger. Maybe it was. “Oh.”

“That certainly wasn’t in their plan, but Wolfram and Hart were thrilled to have such a unique specimen.”

“Too thrilled. I had nightmares about them dissecting me.” I shuddered. “Well once I asked what that actually meant. I still don’t get it, Wes. How the fuck could he _ever_ trust me to them.”

“Desperation, Connor. It makes us do idiotic things,” Wes replied, glancing away. I knew what he said was true, but it surely didn’t help me much. “No one he knew could have wrought such a big spell. Maybe I, Willow, and Giles could have done so in time.”

“But I left him no time,” I said. That’s a convenient half-truth. “Do you think he came to the mall with the arrangement already in place? I still don’t get why he did what he did, not entirely. He could have brought reinforcements to stop me, taken me by force, put me in that fucking cage in the basement! Could have realized I knew nothing about bombs, propane tanks and car batteries, not to mention couldn’t have walked into a mall unarmed with an unconscious woman slung over my shoulder and capture a dozen people, not without help. He never even considered we were set up. He’s not a complete idiot, right?”

“Occasionally we all are.” Wes’s blue eyes clouded, and I suspected he was thinking about kidnapping me. “Something you should consider and maybe talk to your father.”

“If he wanted to help me, Wes, he would have come after me when I ran off after I killed Jasmine. He didn’t. I had just murdered my daughter. That was his moment. I probably would have fought him, but I was so hollowed out, he could have taken me easy. He let me go. He _always_ lets me go!” I pounded the table, denting the metal. “He could have come after me. He never even looked for me after Jasmine died, did he?”

Wes let his head droop, saying nothing.

“He might feel like hell about it now. He _deserves_ to. There aren’t many good things about the spell but that mall incident being written out of existence is one of them.” I trembled head to toe, rage, grief, still a raw oozing wound twenty plus years later. I struggled to set it aside. “Sorry, Wes, I shouldn’t be yelling at you for this.”

“I wish I knew how to help you let this all go, Connor.”

I took a bite of burger, chewing thoughtfully. “If Dr. Niles hasn’t managed it, I’m not sure there’s anything you could do.” I liked Dr. Jayla Niles. She was a Watcher psychiatrist because God knew Watchers saw too much and needed help. She loved dissecting my sick brain. I’ve accepted that I was mentally ill. PTSD, and major depression merely topped the list. It still wasn’t an excuse to use Wes as an emotional punching bag, nor to be a dick to Angel. I had plenty of better reasons for the latter.

“So, what do we do now, Wes?”

“Have you spoken to Drusilla since your vision?”

“No, I plan to. She might have had another vision of her own by now.”

“It’s possible this has nothing to do with Angel but rather you, Connor.”

I sighed. “Yeah, I know. There’re all those damn prophecies about me and Angel, but I’m barely in that world.”

“You’re never out of it, Connor, by birth right alone.”

I polished off my tea. “You gonna talk to Angel about this?” I knew he would. It was my way of saying I wasn’t going to talk to Angel. 

“I will. Shall I talk to Spike as well?”

I shook my head. “Leave him and Lindsey to me.”

“As you wish. Connor, paired with Dru’s vision, this doesn’t bode well for you.”

“I know. And here I thought the worse thing to happen to me was Dawn’s cold case with the psychic lead I’m going to be tormented about at work for _years_.”

“If only we still had an in with Wolfram and Hart...”

“Any in you had was an illusion. They would never have given you anything important. Even Lilah would have had to weigh ‘are they going to kill me if I tell’ versus ‘I actually might care about him and want to save him’.”

“She did save me and the others,” Wes countered.

“She was already dead,” I replied as softly, as close to apologetic as I could.

“True but if not for her, the contracts we would have signed would have been as damning as her own.”

And was for Gunn. I knew that he’d altered the deal later for the lawyer upgrade and ended up lost to us. “I feel guilty enough about the contracts you did sign.”

“We could have walked away. None of us did. They knew what temptations to offer.”

“The devil always does.” I wondered if I’m oddly the most religious of the bunch when I should be the least. Between Holtz’s upbringing and the Irish Catholic rewrite, I couldn’t escape it entirely. Hells existed, that I knew too intimately. Buffy swore there was a heaven, but I hadn’t seen either when I was dead. Maybe I don’t count. Mom said there was an afterlife but was forbidden to speak of it. Lilah claimed the same. I’d nearly had my soul eaten, and Dad seemed to lose his from time to time so I know souls are a thing. I guess I’m agnostic but kept ties with St Brendan’s Catholic Church and Father Rory Flanagan, mostly to keep my supply of holy water flowing. Does that make me a bastard? Yeah, probably. “All right, let me call Spike and get Lindsey out to my place,” I said with the enthusiasm of a guilty man being led into the interrogation room. For a brief moment, I wondered how Nami and Julio were doing interrogating Fury and Amanda. Wish I was there. Instead, I called Spike.


	7. Angel

Chapter Seven – Angel

_How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again_  
It’s always been the same, same old story  
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen  
Now there’s a way and I know that I have to go away  
I know I have to go   
**Father and Son – Cat Stevens**

 

I watched Buffy and Dawn help Wes devour the brisket sandwiches he’d brought. The dining room smelled like a smoke house, and it struck me as somehow incongruous that any of them would love hunks of wood-smoked meat, but I couldn’t say why. It seemed more like a Xander thing and brisket seemed like something we should have been eating out on the back porch and not in the formal dining room with its elegant appointments. It was brutally hot out and at least the fan in the corner helped inside. 

I wanted to interrogate Wes until I’d wrung out every bit of information out of him, but I know he’ll tell me in his own time. I needed to bridle my impatience, but I couldn’t help it. Two visions about my son was two too many. I couldn’t help worrying. I didn’t care how much Connor actively hated me because I knew in my heart one day he’d listen to my explanations and realize he was wrong. Buffy thought I was lying to myself. Maybe, but whom better to lie to?

“So, one of your seers saw something?” I prompted. That couldn’t be considered interrogating, right? I stroked Bainsidhe’s head, hoping to keep her quiet and the begging to a minimum. She knew better than to do it at the table but some things – like brisket – could push her to the limit. 

Wes nodded. “It was very reminiscent of how Darla was brought back more so than...well never mind.” Wes’s gaze cut to Buffy who scowled, settling her sandwich back on the plate. She glanced away, pained.

A small knot formed in my chest, thinking of her waking up in her grave. “I get it. But who would they want to bring back?” It made no sense to me other than as a distraction from something even bigger and worse.

“Darla, Cordy and Faith’s faces were all seen. That’s all I know other you and Connor were there, too late to stop it. That goes for Buffy, Spike and Drusilla as well.”

I winced. Just like last time but at least I was working with Connor and not trying to stop him. That was something. Even now I feared one day he’d regress to the violent creature Quor-Toth first spat out.

“How does this marry up with Drusilla’s vision?” Buffy asked.

“Hers wasn’t as clear,” Wes replied. “Connor called Spike this afternoon to see if she had more details.”

“So, he knows,” I interrupted, relieved. Of course, Wes would have told him, Spike too probably.

“He’s aware. Dru only added that in a second vision, she saw the woman rising.”

“Damn it, none of them deserves this.” I slammed my hand down on the table. Only the sandwiches jumped.

“That was Connor’s reaction.”

I raised my eyebrow at that. I sometimes forget that Wes gets to spend time with my son, where I do not.

“He came over to work out on his lunch break.” Wes supplied. 

“Strange way to spend lunch,” Buffy muttered.

“He likes training. Also, he had some anger to work off because he couldn’t interview the suspects in Dawn’s case.” Wes grinned. “Between him, Angel and you Slayers I’m not sure the punching bag stands a chance.”

“So, they’ve brought Sean in?” Dawn sighed. I could all but see the rock roll off her shoulders.

“He and his current wife. Connor seemed hopeful this will be over for you soon, Dawn.”

“I’m glad. At least he listened to me. I was half convinced he wouldn’t or was too drunk that night.” She shot me an apologetic look.

“Ah yes, he’d had one of his night terrors. You definitely didn’t get him on a good night. Kate must have had Connor mellowed when she called you to tell you it was a good time to ask.”

“That was mellow?” Dawn arched her eyebrows.

“If he wasn’t shaking, sobbing or throwing up, he was calmed a bit.”

I hated hearing it. I’d known about Connor’s troubles. Wes and Kate had both told me. Connor didn’t really want me to know, just like every other aspect of his life or maybe this was the one thing he was okay with me knowing because he knew this would fucking hurt.

“His hand shook. That’s why I thought he was very drunk, well that and all the shot glasses.”

“Connor has a rather demonic capacity for liquor. Never get into a drinking game with him. He won many a contest in his fraternity days.” Wes snorted. 

“I can’t say that makes me happy,” I grumbled. I still saw Connor as an eighteen-year-old boy and not the grown man he was. I didn’t want to think of him drinking too much but maybe I was seeing my own death in that.

“To get back on topic, does anyone know why someone would want to bring any of those ladies back,” Buffy asked.

“As I told Connor, last time Lindsey and Wolfram and Hart tried this they were aiming to bring back Angelus for their end of days,” Wes said.

“Good luck making Angelus do anything you want.” Dawn rolled her eyes.

“Right?” Buffy shook her head, picking up her sandwich again.

“Wait, you told Connor Lindsey brought back his mother?” A hint of nerves tickled the back of my brain. What would Connor do with that info?

“Honestly I thought he knew. They’ve spoken often about Darla.” Wes pulled out his phone and texted someone. “He’s talking to Lindsey now.”

“And you’re texting him to be sure he’s not dissolving Lindsey in a vat of acid?” Buffy asked.

“Maybe.” Wes grinned. “And I think Connor knows a guy with a boat he can use for body disposal.”

“Well, it worked well for him on his first attempt.” I snarled, remembering being at the bottom of the ocean. “And seriously Wes...”

“Trust your son, Angel. He’s not happy about it but he has plenty of experience in being angry. He had questions and Lindsey is the best to answer them. It would be helpful if we could peer into Wolfram and Hart but we’ve yet to find a spell for that.”

Dawn took a pull on her iced tea. “Lindsey wouldn’t know any more than we do a lot about Wolfram and Hart’s agenda.”

“No, but he was there for the spell last time, and he might have a clue or two about their ends of day plan, which I realize is a long shot. We need more from our seers, which you know how that goes.”

“All too well,” I said bitterly. “I don’t like the implications here, Wes. If this is real, if this is going to happen, what could they possibly be distracting us from?”

“Iris has told me about trying lucid dreaming exercises to clarify visions. I’m not sure there’s been a lot of success,” Dawn said, wiping her lips.

“Well, she’ll be here in a few days with Willow. I know she’s more of a past-seer than future, but we could ask her to try. I don’t like our chances of getting Drusilla to do it,” Buffy said.

“We can ask Spike to talk to her but she’s no more of fan of her abilities now than she was a century ago,” I said. “How about your Watcher seer, Wes?”

 

“They’re into meditation. Lucid dreaming exercises wouldn’t be a stretch but so far, they haven’t been able to exert much control and trust me, they’ve tried,” Wes replied. “The Powers don’t seem to cooperate.”

His eyes darted about making me wonder what he was hiding. “Cordelia learned to go back into hers,” I said, feeling the customary knot behind my breast bone whenever Cordy’s name comes up. “Though maybe it was only once.” I stared at the floor. “And that might already had been the beginning of Jasmine’s control.”

“There’s no telling,” Wes said. “All I can say is my seer would love for the ability to go away and never be bothered again if they could, but I’ll see if I can prod them to go the other route and try to force it to happen.”

“I’ll get some ears to the ground, see if the demons know anything,” I said. It wasn’t easy. A lot of them didn’t like me, of course, but I had cultivated ties with the less evil of them.

“Should we get Lorne in on this as much as I don’t want to hear Angel singing?” Buffy smiled ruefully, patting my hand.

“Maybe Connor should do it,” Dawn suggested. “Since he’s in this vision too.”

“I’m not sure he sings any better than I do.”

“He actually goes to Lorne’s often,” Wes countered. “Mostly he sits at the bar and talks to a bartender he likes but occasionally he does sing.”

I widened my eyes. “Really? Is she a love interest?” Buffy nudged me but I couldn’t help it. I would always be interested in my son’s life.

Wes chuckled. “She’s old enough to be his mother, which I think is what he sees her as. The Connollys have forgotten him, and while he remembers having a mother, it’s a lie and he knows it. Regardless, I’m sure Lorne will want to help, and I can prod Connor toward him. He’ll do it if we make the argument we just did.”

Before I could respond - still mulling over Connor’s lack of a mother, which of course he felt that loss – someone knocked on the door. We all looked toward the dining room doorway as if we could see the front door from here.

“Are you expecting anyone, Buffy?” I asked, knowing I wasn’t.

“No.”

I got up to answer it. I don’t know who I was expecting but Lindsey and Connor never even entered my consciousness.

“Can we come in?” Lindsey asked, his jaw tight. I could only imagine how tense the ride here had been.

“Of course. We were just talking about you two.” I stepped back so they could enter. Bainsidhe came bounding over, new people being more interesting than food. She pressed her face into Lindsey’s hand, and he scratched her.

“And look Lindsey isn’t dissolving in a vat of acid,” Dawn said dryly.

“Too messy. I considered feeding him to a Kirmor demon. They eat up everything but the scream.” Connor chucked Lindsey’s shoulder.

“You’re supposed to smile when you joke,” Lindsey grumbled.

Connor grinned. It sure as hell didn’t help. Lindsey jumped. “Dude, don’t do that. You look like the damn Joker.”

“Then don’t be playing Batman. Why were you talking about us?” he asked me.

“The same reason you brought Lindsey here.”

“Kidnapped, “Lindsey muttered. “Look, I don’t know why the spell is in the vision.”

“Didn’t think you did.” Connor glared. “I wanted to know about the first time and any insight as to why someone would want to try it again, if that’s even what this is about. Because seers, not exactly reliable shit there.”

“You should know,” Lindsey replied, and Connor bristled in a way I wasn’t sure was driving it. Did his magic hatred extend to seers?

Before I could ask, Wes broke in. “We have a few extra sandwiches. You two hungry?”

“I had just left dinner with a couple other prosecutors when this one kidnapped me.” Lindsey jutted his chin at Connor.

“I texted you and asked to meet. Blame yourself for getting in the car.” Connor shrugged. “I haven’t eaten yet. You don’t mind?”

“Wes brought the food,” Buffy replied. “He can share it any way he’d like. Can I get you anything to drink?”

“Water’s fine,” Connor replied.

“After an hour with him, I could use a beer,” Lindsey groused.

“We have beer,” Buffy replied.

Connor’s blue eyes gleamed. “I could go for one too.” 

Buffy fetched two beers, handing them over. “Oh, I forgot the cap remover.”

“Thanks, no need.” Connor flicked the top off his with his thumb and did the same to Lindsey’s.

“Wes said last time this was all a big distraction for you, Angel.” Connor accepted the sandwich Wes surrendered to him.

I nodded. “Wolfram and Hart was playing a long game with me as a pawn. This could easily be that again.”

Connor made a face before taking a big bite. After he swallowed, he said, “But I’m hardly in this world. Just when you all need back up. What would they need to distract me from?”

“I’m assuming whatever it is, it would be big enough for us to call you in,” Buffy said.

“And there are those prophecies about you,” Wes reminded him. Connor gritted his teeth, no happier about that than I was.

“I was hoping all that was over with. The whole I’m born to save or destroy the world thing is a heavy burden.”

“You could argue Jasmine fulfilled that prophecy,” Wes argued. Connor blanched, and I wished I could say something to make it better. “But it’s rarely that simple.”

“We’re working with too little evidence.” I said as Connor took a deep pull off the beer. I could see my mortal self in that gesture.

“True. This case is not something I’d want to take to Lindsey and say, ‘Here. You go prosecute it’,” he replied.

“I’d tell you no, not with the flimsy evidence.”

“And we have to be careful not to get tunnel vision. I see that all too often at work. Just because this idiot brought Mom back to turn you evil.” Connor jerked a thumb at Lindsey who scowled. “It doesn’t mean that’s what they’re planning now. They might even know that moronic caveat to the curse has been fixed. Unless they think you and Buffy are in a long-term platonic relationship.

 

“I’m assuming they know the curse is broken. It’s not likely to have escaped their notice,” I replied drily.

“So right now, we can’t be sure it’s the same spell. We can’t know why they’re doing it or if it’s the end game or a mere distraction. God only knows what they could be distracting us from, or hell if it’s even Wolfram and Hart. I mean they’re certainly top suspects, but they’ve never been the only game in town,” Connor said. Sometime when I wasn’t looking, he’d become as logical as any Watcher. I suppose it made sense since he was a detective.

“I’m looking into who else it might be and why. Demons love to gossip,” I said.

Connor snorted. “I’ll leave that to you then, Angel. I’ve got more than enough to do with work.” He took another hungry bite of brisket.

“You no doubt do. You look tired, son,” I said, risking his wrath. Sue me, I worried.

To my surprise, he didn’t get angry. Instead, Connor rubbed his forehead. “I am.”

I decided to double down on being a dad. “Is the job still making you happy?”

He still didn’t glare. He must be beyond tired, and somewhere between exhaustion and near death. Normally he wouldn’t let bait that juicy go. “I’m not sure this is the type of job that makes you happy. I still find it rewarding and important if that’s what you mean. I’m just trying to decide do I want fully in this supernatural world with you all when I can’t be Detective Devlin anymore because we all know that I have about as many years as I have fingers where I can pretend that I have good genes, and that’s why I still look twenty instead of fifty.”

“God, I know that feeling.” Dawn sighed, her shoulders sagging. “Even if I wasn’t planning a divorce because Chris and I had grown apart, I’d have to have considered it or bring him into this wackiness because I’m not aging either.”

Connor glanced at her, studying her with uncomfortably intensity. “Divorce? Sorry to hear it.”

“Thanks. I wonder why this little aging problem wasn’t obvious to me from the beginning.” The bitterness in Dawn’s voice made Buffy wince and tugged at my heartstrings.

“Love makes us blind. Everyone in this room has experience with that,” Connor said. I nodded along with Buffy and Wes. “I’m still trying to decide why Mom didn’t kill Lindsey for what Wolfram and Hart did to her.”

“She cared about him,” I said.

Lindsey’s eyes went wide. “Surprised to hear you say that.”

I shrugged. “It’s true. It was one thing when she was alive but even after she was turned, even soulless, she always spared you, Lindsey. She cared as much as she could. I don’t have to tell you how rare it is for a vampire to spare the living.”

Connor drained his beer and set it aside. “I’d have thought, at least back in the times before twenty-four-hour stores, you’d have had a Renfield if you will.”

I blinked, not expecting that statement or the inherent curiosity about me hidden in it. “Some did. Your mother and I rarely bothered. We were more into making alliances with daylight friendly demons so it’s significant that Darla never killed Lindsey or how Spike always took care of Dawn.”

Connor arched one eyebrow at her. “That sounds like a story.”

“A long one. I’ll tell it to you some time,” she promised.

“I’m sure Lindsey’s told you things about Darla,” I said, wondering what Connor thought of all that.

“A lot but he managed to skip the whole ‘I revived her’ part.” He gave Lindsey the gimlet eye. “But yeah that’s how the friendship started.”

“I’ve always wondered, “I muttered. Connor’s friendship with Lindsey was like salt in a deep wound.

“I appreciated having part of Darla around at first,” Lindsey said softly and Connor didn’t seem offended that he had been something of a surrogate for him. “But later I just enjoyed his company.”

“Really?” Buffy and I said in one voice.

Connor’s face darkened. “Oh, screw you both.”

There’s the son I know, love and want to throttle. 

“I know, right?” Lindsey laughed, expertly ignoring Connor’s vicious look. “I’ve been something of a foodie for years now. Connor’s the only one I know who is willing to go with me to try new things. Kate’s sadly boring that way, and Connor eats literally anything.”

“Foodie? You eat all that weird stuff, right? Like that Andrew guy on _Bizarre Foods_?” Buffy asked, making a face. “Ew.”

“That’s Kate’s feelings on it too. Though, I might have exaggerated. There is something Connor won’t eat,” Lindsey said. “And I’ve seen him eat some seriously weird shit.”

“Tomatoes,” Wesley supplied. 

Connor shuddered. “Disgusting things.”

“Wait, you’ll eat, I don’t know, some haggis or things like that but you won’t eat tomatoes?” Buffy sounded so incredulous I nearly laughed.

“Haggis is actually good,” Connor replied.

“And he’ll eat tomato sauce and salsa with no problems,” Wes added.

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not. You only think that because you’re stuck between a rock and a crazy place.” Lindsey ticked a finger off Connor’s forehead, shockingly without consequence. “You spend a lot of time there.”

“Um, should you be poking the bear?” Buffy eyed the two men warily.

I snorted. “From my experience, Lindsey enjoys bear baiting.”

He shrugged. “I like to keep things lively.”

“You’re going to be lively _alone_ at the Blind Pig this next week,” Connor scoffed.

“What are they known for? I like strange food combinations,” Dawn said.

“They do some really inspired fusion,” Lindsey said.

“Not to mention really experimental wild yeast brewing,” Connor added. “Love their sour cherry.”

“I’d like to be able to take you two out somewhere to thank you for helping me,” Dawn smiled at them, leaving Buffy’s jaw dropped. I might not have looked much better.

“Normally I’d say great but right now I have to decline,” Connor said, and Dawn’s eyes dimmed. I couldn’t remember seeing her so fragile in a long time.

“Oh? Why?”

Connor smiled, polishing off his beer. “I was going to call you later, Dawn until I realized that really it was just better Lindsey and I come here and talk this vision crap out. Nami and Julio arrested both Sean and Amanda.”

Dawn pressed her hand to her lips, holding in a cry. Hearing it from Wes had been one thing but getting confirmation from Connor was another.

“Now, don’t get too excited.” Connor held up a hand. “Lindsey has to take it to a grand jury, and they decide if we have enough evidence to go forward.”

“Which is likely but until then we don’t want to give anyone the idea that our connection to you is stronger than it is.”

“Yeah if a defense lawyer thinks there’s some kind of collusion going on,” Connor said. “Never give them ammunition.”

“Still!” Dawn popped up from the table and endowed an embrace on both of them. “Thank you for getting it this far.”

“You’re welcome. You should hug yourself. You’re the one who did most of the work, but I still don’t get why you didn’t just call me and say, ‘hey Iris said my friend’s body is hidden in a theater.’ You didn’t have to rope Kate into a subterfuge.”

Dawn hung her head. “I know. I’m sorry about that. I went with some bad advice.”

“Uh-huh.” Connor’s gaze cut to me and Buffy. He’d been friendly enough this visit but that might be changing. “I bet.”

Dawn stifled a laugh, sitting back down. “Sorry, just thinking about something Faith told me about you that I should have remembered when I started this.”

Connor grimaced. “I’m almost afraid to know what Faith told you about me.”

“Not nearly as afraid as the rest of us,” Wes said.

“Maybe you might to check the seers to see if it was only women that might be brought back from the dead,” Connor said. “You might need resurrecting yourself, Wes.”

“It’s nothing bad,” Dawn said hurriedly as if she expected my son to reclaim his Quor-Tothian title. If there was anyone I felt was completely safe in that regard, it was Wes. In my less noble moments, I was jealous and angry about their friendship. “She told me a lot about how you had a quick temper but were loyal as hell. She also told me all sorts of stuff your dad doesn’t need to know.” She shot me an embarrassed look and I could imagine the salacious stories Faith had shared. “And she told me a lot about your tattoos, and I was simply curious. I know by now you realize I’m an artist and skin art fascinates me. Faith said yours were pretty amazing.”

Connor’s whole demeanor brightened. He smiled, looking at ease for the first time since he came through my door. “Oh, good to know. You can see it if you want. Just come to the Watcher’s complex when I’m there. I usually swim so you’d be able to see most of them.”

“And you’re not old enough for him to show you the ones that hide under the swim trunks,” Lindsey said.

Connor elbowed him. “Don’t need to take that from someone who stole my last lover.”

“Don’t blame me because Kate traded up.”

“Wait, you really were with Kate?” Buffy asked.

“Told you,” I said.

Connor scowled. “Yeah, why?”

“She’s just...so much older than you,” Buffy said.

Connor shrugged. “I like older women.”

“Always has,” I muttered.

Connor nodded at me before taking another bite of sandwich. He wiped his fingers and undid the buttons on his sleeve cuff. “Here, Dawn.” He tugged his sleeve up to the elbow.

She took his arm in hand, slowly tracing a finger over his skin. I hadn’t seen many of Connor’s tattoos myself. He generally fought in long sleeves and pants, and if I showed up at the Watcher complex while he was working out, he tended to leave. The art was beautifully done, bands of Celtic knot work running from above his elbow where we couldn’t see all the way to about an inch from his wrist so he could cover them completely. The colors were simple just blue and black, but the lines were sharp and looked almost fresh but if his skin was anything like mine the tattoo would look brand new forever.

“It’s lovely. Is it like that all the way up?” Dawn asked.

He shook his head. “It changes here.” He clamped a hand mid-biceps. “The twin dogs are here, and then the knot work goes up to shoulder where the wolf lives.”

I wondered if my eyebrows had climbed as high as Dawn’s had. I didn’t realize it was that extensive.

“Dogs and wolves? I never pictured you much into having a dog,” Buffy said.

“I like them well enough, but it has to do with him.” He nodded to me.

“Oh, your name,” Dawn said. “It means dog or wolf lover.”

Connor sat back, studying her, obviously surprised. “Yeah.”

“I’m a polyglot,” Dawn explained. “I speak Gaelic, which comes in handy being a Watcher.”

“Yeah, I can too. Wes makes me read big dusty books because of it.” Connor snorted. “I’m assuming he asked for it.” He jerked a hand toward me.

“Not exactly,” I said, not quite meeting his eyes.

“Then what did you ask for?” The question was calm – for him – but compelling. This was probably his interrogation voice.

“That you get some of your cultural history,” I replied.

Connor mulled it over, and then shrugged. “Fair enough. I can see why you’d want that, and I’m not complaining. I’m glad to have it.”

I blinked, too stunned to speak at first. That might well be the first time I’d heard him be happy about anything dealing with the spell. Maybe once I’d heard him be grateful for the knowledge it had given him, but it had been years since that comment, if it had happened at all.

Before I could formulate the words to express how happy I was to hear that, Connor plowed on. “Are we going to wait for Spike and Dru before we sing? Can Dru sing? What happens if a seer reads a seer?”

“I have no idea,” Wes said, as they exchanged a look I couldn’t guess as, as if there was a secret stretching between them but what it would have to do with seers I couldn’t guess at. “But we can get a jump on the reading at least. Who knows how long it’ll take for Spike and Drusilla to get here from London? Lorne is busy so we might have to go to him.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You know I don’t like singing in public.”

Wes scowled. “But you do it.”

Connor sighed. “Yeah, I’m willing, if he won’t.” He jerked a thumb at me. “Hey Buffy’s in the vision. Do you sing any better than Angel?”

“Bainsidhe sings better than Angel,” Buffy replied, and I shot her a wounded look. “But I’m not great.”

“With our luck it’ll be all three of us singing,” I said.

Connor flipped his shirt sleeve back down “And on that sour note, are we done? Any more ideas or can I take Lindsey home now? I wasn’t actually planning to stay for dinner, but I appreciate the eats.”

“You know you’re always welcome here,” I said.

“Yeah, I know.”

Seeing the muscles in Connor’s jaw twitching, I knew I’d pushed as far as I dared. “No other ideas here if you want to get him home.” I nodded to Lindsey.

Connor stood. “Okay. Call me if you learn anything new. Dawn, if you need to talk, you can call me too but just remember I can’t talk about the case much.”

“I got it, and thanks. Seriously and maybe you need to get some sleep. You look exhausted, no offense.”

He scrubbed a hand through his close-cropped – definitely not stylish at the moment – hair. “None taken. I’m not a sleeper. That’s where the dreams live.”

Damn, I wanted to just squeeze him tight like he was a little boy after a nightmare. I could only imagine how well that would go. I only had a few moments where I held him when he hadn’t fussed like a feral cat. Feral, the perfect term for my child. Even though the spell had buffed off his edges, Connor remained like a cat who had started feral and only barely tolerates the family who adopted him. 

Connor’s eyes brightened suddenly. “You know, Dawn, there’s a food truck festival this weekend. You might not be able to take Lindsey and me out but there’s nothing to say you couldn’t run into us there. Wes was going to come. You could go with him.”

“That could be fun.”

“You could come too, Buffy. Not Angel. It’s in the day even if he would eat anything.” Connor eyed me.

Buffy wrinkled her nose. “Are you going to eat anything weird?”

“I plan to eat a lot of weird things, probably blow half a week’s salary but there are plenty of normal things.”

“I’ll think about it, thanks for asking though,” she replied. I could hear the begrudging aspect. She was never going to forgive him for the various things he’d done over the years, and it hurt my heart knowing it.

Connor nodded. “No problem. Come on, Linds.”

“Are you taking me home or out to face that Kirmor demon?” Lindsey grinned.

“Keep it up, I’ll string you up inside that punching bag me and the Slayers use.”

“Hey, he needs to get my case to the grand jury first. You can do that later,” Dawn cried.

“Thanks. Geez, are all the Summers women so hard?” Lindsey chuckled.

“I don’t know that Summers but if she’s like her sister, then she’s tough,” Connor said, propelling Lindsey toward the door. He paused to pet Bainsidhe, and then they were gone with a small wave.

“That was weird,” Buffy said. 

“Was it?” Dawn asked. “He doesn’t seem much like you described him, Buffy.”

“That’s what makes it weird,” Buffy said.

“He has always been willing to help fight demons,” Wes said, and Buffy eyed him sourly. He ignored her. “Angel, I know you won’t be able to find much out easily but investigating the demon gossip realm should be our next step. We can’t just wait on seers to maybe the see the future.”

“Agreed.” I got up from the table. “I’ll head out now. And Dawn, I hope you take him up on his offer. It’s a rare thing, at least for some of us.” I couldn’t help casting a jealous look at Wes who got invites like that all the time.

“I plan on it. He’s been helpful to me, hard yes, but helpful.”

“I’m glad. All right, I better get out there and see what I can learn.”

I didn’t want to go. I wanted to follow Connor home, to see that he got the rest he deserved. I didn’t dare, and hell I couldn’t enter his house even if I did follow him because he has never invited me in. So, I mulled over the possibilities and picked the most likely place to get some answers. One of Spike’s old friends had a dive bar. I might as well start there with Clem.


	8. Later that Night - Connor, Angel & Buffy

Chapter Eight – **Later That Night: Connor**

_All the bridges we built are burned_  
Not single lesson was learned  
Everything that mattered is just   
A city of dust covering both of us   
**Through the Ghost –Shinedown**

 

“This isn't right, Mom,” I muttered, walking through the warehouse. Blood ran down the walls, the coppery tang of it tickling my nose. Mom, Colleen Connolly, didn't belong at a crime scene. She was so soccer mom. Why was she here with me sloshing through puddles of blood? Shouldn’t Dad, my real dad, be here, sucking it off the linoleum? 

“No, it isn't right. You've done a _horrible_ thing, son,” Mom said, turning to me. Blood dripped down from the ceiling onto her face.

My skin twitched, itching on my cheeks. I brushed my fingers over one, coming away tacky and red. Blood coated my face. How? What happened? What horrible thing had I done? “Mom?”

“Why did you do it, Connor? I tried to stop you.” Tears poured down her face as she pointed behind me.

I turned slowly, not wanting to see it. My chest ached, my lungs unable to expand. A young blonde girl lay in a pool of blood, an axe discarded next to her. It's nothing I hadn't seen a dozen times this past year alone. Homicide was my forte, but this sank its claws into me like none other. I knew this girl. Further, into the shadows, Cordelia lay crumbled against what had been our bed. Her belly had burst open like a rotten pumpkin, blood thick and nearly black clotted in lakes around her.

“No,” I whispered. “It wasn't like this.”

“Why did you kill them, son?”

“I didn't.” My legs shook as Mom took my hand. Her tears flowed faster, cutting furrows in her face, tinged pink from all the blood splashed on her skin. Before my eyes, her face crumbled and my true mother tossed her hair back, shedding Mom Connolly like a snake skin. 

“Oh, my boy, you _did_. You killed them. You were supposed to be so much more.” Mom said, pulling me closer, her eyes the color of honey. Her tongue darted out past her fangs, and she licked the blood from my cheek. “But you're just like me. Maybe you got a taste for it right from my womb.” She chased the blood across my skin.

“Ha, really should have named you Oedipus.”

Angelus's voice made me jerk away from Darla. Where had he come from? I spotted him next to Cordelia, running his thick fingers through her blood caked hair. 

“You should have jammed the stake in your belly, Darla. Maybe these women would be alive if you had.” Angelus smirked at me.

I sat up in bed, a scream tenderizing my throat. I flailed my way out of the sheets and stumbled into the master bath, my chest heaving. The need to breathe warred with the desire to vomit. I managed to avoid the latter. In the harsh light bouncing off the mirror, I looked like a wraith with luminous eyes. 

Unable to calm down – hardly unusual with my night terrors – I forced myself back into the bed room. I perched on the bed. It was going on three in the morning, too late to call Kate. Fuck, it was too late to really be willing to wake up Wes to come hold my hand while my brain came undone. Why this dream? Why now? I was pretty good tonight. Hell, I even told Angel I was grateful for part of the spell. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe Kate was right, and my brain wanted me to forgive him entirely. Or maybe it was pissed I was the little bit nice to him.

Who the fuck knew with me?

All I knew was I'd never sleep now. I dressed and went into the den. I stalked out well armed and headed into the night to find some demons to take all this pain out on.

 

X X X

 

**Later That Night: Angel**

I glanced up at the sky. Dawn was a few hours off yet, and I had little to show for my efforts. I don't know why I'm surprised by this. It's hardly going to be likely I'd randomly run into someone who knew anything about what might be happening. It's not even as if I had any hard evidence that anything _was_ happening or that Wolfram and Hart was behind it. They'd been quiet, at least in regards to me, for years, as if they had lost interest in whatever part they hoped I’d play in their apocalypse. 

Of course, I wasn't the only vampire with a soul these days. Two more would be joining me soon enough. It's hard to work up the fortitude for that. I have troubles looking at Drusilla knowing all that I had inflicted on her. I was glad she chose to live in London. That probably made me selfish or weak, but I didn't care. I deserved to take it easy on myself for a change. I've been carrying a heavy enough load for so long.

I wasn't thrilled about Spike being here but when was I ever happy he was around? Okay, in a fight. Spike had his moments. The ‘Spike Moments’ Connor liked were probably Spike's favorites too: the ones tormenting me and Spike delighted in telling me all the good talks he had with my son. At least Spike I could kick in the ass. And after looking at my son's face today, I'd be willing to endure a few of Spike's barbs if they made Connor smile even for a second. He seemed almost like he had in that damned mall. I hadn’t done the things I had, suffered the losses, endangered my friends, just to lose him again.

But I might. Not emotionally, I lost him that way long ago. That loomed in my life bigger than my heart could handle some days. It didn't help that Buffy's resentment continued to grow after that one ill-fated mission where I still wasn't sure it happened like she thought it did because the account had come from Andrew. I was simply done fighting about it. I had Faith's story of that mission, which differed wildly but nearly four years later I had given up changing Buffy’s mind. She never quite saw eye to eye with Faith, and I never blamed her for holding onto her suspicious of Faith.

Still, I should have put my foot down when it came to Dawn approaching Connor. I knew that was mistake to hide her identity. At least he took it relatively well, but Buffy still seemed to think he was going to arrest Dawn or something. Hopefully that's over with now.

My fear at the moment was Wes might be right, and this wasn't about me. I had collected prophecies about Connor. I know Wes had shown them to Connor. He wouldn't listen to me when I wanted to talk about it. It was fine. I had learned to funnel necessary information through Wes or Kate or better yet, Faith when she was alive. Connor always listened to her. I wish she were here. I missed her terribly, something I kept mostly to myself. She and Buffy might have patched over the rough road behind them, but they had never bonded. I understood why but it was yet another thing that introduced friction to my marriage; nothing we couldn't handle but still, irritating. 

I didn't want to think about Connor being the epicenter of whatever this was going to be. Let him be a cop. Let him come in to bat clean up when needed. Don't let him be the reason his mother or his lover and whatever we want to call Cordy get dragged back from their rest. He wouldn't be able to bear it. Well, probably he could, but dammit I don't want him having to shoulder that. He needed to catch a break somewhere. The question that sprang to mind was do we even worry about this resurrection or should we just let it happen while we stay hot on whatever it's a distraction from? I wish I knew.

I paused on my way back to my car. A bus stop was at the other end of the block past my car. It was getting close to the time the third shift ended and some of the earlier shifts began. I decided to check the stop out. Darkness and sleepy people often equated to trouble and easy pickings for the demons. It was worth taking a quick look before heading home.

Nothing seemed amiss when I got there but then I heard sounds of a fight further down the block near the mouth of an alley. Of course, it was always an alley. I raced toward it, demon or human violence, it didn't really matter. I could stop either. I was in the mood to do damage.

A Fitfra demon stumbled out of the alley, holding its throat, yellow ichor spraying everywhere. It collapsed and was gone with a loud pop and burst of light. Fitfra were big, smelly and dumb and other demons liked to use them as muscle. I doubted it was alone but what killed it? The two other L.A. Slayers usually left this territory for me and Buffy, and I knew she stayed home so she could visit with Dawn.

I turned the corner only to get grabbed by the throat and shoved into the bricks of the building next to me. I barely got an arm up to keep the stake out of my chest. I grunted as the wood pushed straight through the meat of my forearm going on to graze my breast bone. Connor's blue eyes were so wild I doubted he even saw me for who I am. What the hell was going on here?

“Connor!” I bellowed, and my son fell back, shoving the stake into a holster on his belt. He carried no less than six and had a long knife to boot.

“Why the fuck are you coming up behind me in the middle of a fucking fight.” Connor screamed at me, smashing his palm against the bricks next to my face. “Fuck!”

I let the foul language pass by, seeing the insane level of agitation Connor was functioning at the moment. The rage and fear warred on Connor's narrow face. I tried to ignore it as I staunched my bleeding arm. What had gotten him this worked up? Was it fear for nearly dusting me or something deeper at play? I swore I could see Quor-Toth reflected in his wide eyes.

“I didn't know what was going on. I saw the Fitfra demon and came to stop whatever it was up to.” I scanned the alley seeing piles of dust. “Working with vampires from the evidence. How many?”

Panting, obviously struggling for control, Connor held up seven fingers. Damn but my son was an absolute monster when it came to the slaying. Pride and subtle horror shouldered past each other in my heart. “Think they were going to hit the hospital two blocks from here. They wanted blood, victims and all the narcotics they could haul off. I've been looking into them for a while. They’re been making a small fortune peddling drugs. Just when you think vampires can't get worse.”

“Some do take evil to new heights,” I agreed.

“You'd know,” Connor spat.

I let that pass too. Can’t argue with the truth. “I would, but what are you even doing out? You looked so tired. I thought you were going to go catch some sleep.”

“If I could sleep I would, but the dreams won't fuck off so here I am.” Connor dragged a hand over his hair. He shook and tried to hide it.

I said nothing because I knew anything I'd have to say would spark a battle. My silence didn't protect me. I caught the ferocious gloom in this eye. I knew that look, one his mother had patented. He was going to fight no matter what.

“Nothing to say?”

If I said sorry, those stakes would be out of his holsters and probably find a place, well not in my heart but he'd make it hurt.

“I wish I knew what to do to help. I know there isn’t anything I actually can do to help that you, Wes, and Kate haven't already tried.” I hoped to hell he knew they talked to me about his dreams, and that I hadn't given his wrath two more targets.

“You already tried,” he growled.

He meant the spell, the elephant in the room, enraged and fully armed with tusks of foot long ivory. “I did. I failed.”

At that admission Connor's shoulders slumped, the rage fled like a boil lanced. “Yeah.” He held up a trembling hand, fingers scant millimeters apart. “I'm this close to asking Wes if there's a sleep spell or one that stops the dreams, but I figure if those didn't have serious side effects, he'd already have tried.”

“I wouldn't know but you’re probably right about that.”

“It's getting worse,” Connor muttered so softly I barely heard him.

“Connor, I...”

“Sorry I almost staked you,” he broke in, trying to derail me. “What time is it?”

Taken off guard, I fumbled for my watch. I still didn't like telling time on my cellphone. “Um, nearly five. Really, they're worse?”

He waved me off. “Go home, Angel, before the sun comes up. I have to get going. I have to get up in like an hour to get ready for work.” He smirked.

He obviously had said all he was going to about the dreams. I glanced up at the graying sky. “I wish I could help but I'd better go. All I need to do is be racing home and get pulled over.”

Snickering, Connor strolled out of the alley. “Trying to picture the face of the cop who watches you start smoking when the sunlight hits you.”

“Thanks,” I grumbled. “I'd pull over in a store lot and sleep in the trunk first.”

“Bet Buffy would love that.” Connor held up a hand, as civil as a parting as I could hope for.

“Good night, son,” I said, but he said nothing in response. Sighing, I jogged back to the car, done for the night. 

 

**Later That Same Night: Buffy**

I had every intention of staying up until Angel came home but supporting Dawn exhausted me. I hadn't realized she had called Chris. I don't know if she planned to do it this way, or if they had argued and it slipped out, but he knew she wanted a divorce. 

Wanted it or not, that on top of everything with Maribel, and then the threat to Angel, it was too much for her. She fell apart and my evening was spent trying to keep Dawn as together as I could. Divorces were hard. Well, I'd not been through one, but I’ve helped Xander through two and Willow once. Of course, with as many times as I've left or been left by Angel and Spike over the years, I had a damn good idea how it felt.

I'd promised to go home with Dawn to New York and help her once she went back. I wasn't sure how long she was going to be staying. I know she had wanted to come to our anniversary party and had come early acting on Iris's information. From her screaming on the phone apparently Chris had forgotten that, even though he was supposed to come out shortly himself. I guessed he'd be cashing out or changing that ticket.

We talked for hours about nothing, like we haven’t done in years. It had been nice but still exhausting. I climbed into bed intending to read but I must have fallen asleep with Killmouski on Angel's pillow. Bainsidhe was on her own bed in the corner until she cocked her head up and barked, waking me up. 

Angel stood in the doorway, bedraggled. I was used to seeing him that way. Ours is an unforgiving job. He smiled. “Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.”

I gestured to his torn shirt. “So, information gathering went rough?”

“Hmm?” He looked down at his bloody sleeve. “Oh, no that came later when I saw a Fitfra demon running from an alley as it died.”

“Did its claws get you?” Buffy tapped her own chest, swinging out of bed. 

Angel tugged at the hole in the center of his shirt. “No, Connor was in the middle of the fight, but I didn't know that when I came around the corner. Words of wisdom never come up behind Connor in a fight. He's quick to stab.”

He tried to make it out to be a joke, but I was having none of it. It wasn’t funny. I rolled out of bed. “He nearly killed you.”

Angel shrugged out of his shirt, and I spotted the puncture straight through his arm and I realized what must have happened. “My fault. He thought I was another of the vampires who were with the Fitfra, and he has an arm like a pile driver.”

I wrinkled my nose as I examined his arm. “I thought he could sense you or smell you or both. How could he not know you were there?”

“Honestly Buffy, I'm not sure he saw anything but the kill.” 

I knew I must look like I doubted him or maybe he was as disturbed by those words as I was because he frowned, moving past me into the bathroom. He started to strip and turned on the shower.

“You didn't smell him either?”

“Fitfras smell pretty bad, so does alley garbage.” He shrugged, digging out a towel. His arm and chest were covered in dried blood, and I hated to even think about it.

“What was he even doing there, Angel? I thought he was going home to get some sleep.”

“I said the same thing.” He fiddled with the hot water tap. “He said he couldn't sleep, that the dreams were getting worse.” 

Angel disappeared into the shower, and I pulled out the vanity stool, sitting in front of the mirror where I did my hair and makeup. “That seems weird after all this time, don't you think?” I knew he could hear me in spite of the water.

“Yes.”

“Any thoughts because I don't want to think about him getting more Faith like every day. Something like what he nearly did to you is how she accidentally killed someone in Sunnydale.”

“I know.”

I pondered it for a moment. “I wonder if it has something to do with the visions or maybe something he came across out there fighting. Like the time I ended up able to read minds. Maybe something is in his head making it suddenly worse.”

“I'd hate to think that, but I'll have Wes looking into it. Connor was in a cooperative mood tonight but that doesn't mean he's going to start talking to me.”

“I'm surprised he was as cooperative as he was tonight,” I said, but Angel didn't answer me. That was probably for the best. I didn't want to start a fight. I tried to keep conversations away from that jackass, but Angel loved his son no matter what. He did not listen to my arguments. I've come to realize I wasn't going to win where Connor was involved but this tonight really bothered me. I knew how well he fought. I knew how dangerous Connor could be if he went off the rails. 

The shower stopped and after a moment, Angel came out, toweled off and he fetched his boxers. I could see the healing cut on his chest and just how bad his arm was. I stood and captured him in a hug.

“Angel, look at how close you came tonight. He went straight through your arm, and if you hadn't gotten it in the way in time...” I trailed off, horrifyingly able to picture it. Angel dusted, and me waiting to hear from him, getting more anxious as time went on.

“Like I said, I came up behind him in battle.”

“So did Deputy Mayor Finch.” I squeezed my eyes shut, remembering that night, and the gut-tightening horror of it. It still was in the top twenty worst nights of my life even after all these years. 

He sighed, hugging me. “I'm sure he knew I wasn't human.”

He didn't sound sure, but I let it drop. I will be sure to tell the other L.A. Slayers to be cautious when working with Connor or if they just happened upon him in a fight while they were on patrol. I wanted reports back if they did. Angel didn't need to know. 

“Okay, well maybe we'll have answers soon. You should get some sleep. I'll call Wes about the possibilities that something's screwing with Connor's head,” I said, keeping the 'more than usual' to myself.

Angel nodded and crawled into bed. I curled up with him for at least a little bit.


	9. Gunn

Chapter Nine- Gunn

_'Cause life is just a dream here_  
You know inside you feel right at home here  
Welcome to my nightmare   
**Welcome to My Nightmare – Alice Cooper**

 

I looked over the stack of briefs on my desk, the price of working for Wolfram and Hart. But in return I had more luxury, more importance, more of just everything than I'd ever had in my life. I felt safe and necessary more than I had ever with _them_. I barely thought about Angel and company now, could barely keep them in my thoughts. It seemed odd that I couldn’t but I didn't worry on it long. I was too busy for that. Not that I'd be arguing the cases on my desk. I'd assign junior attorneys to that.

I sipped at my salted caramel mocha – something if you had told me in my youth, I'd like I'd probably have laughed in your face – and picked up the dossier I should have been reading. Lilah would be here any minute. Even after all these years, she creeped me out. I always expected her to smell bad or rot, but she remained unchanged from the day we thought Angelus had killed her and Wes cut off her head. Over all, it was better than working with a vampire, I guess. At least she didn't suck blood and kill people. My contract was different than hers. My soul wouldn't get jammed back in my body after death, and at this point what did it matter? I loved working here.

I read over the spell paper clipped to the front of the file. It seemed complicated and costly. I wondered if it was worth it.

“You look in deep thought.” Lilah's voice startled me. 

“The scrolls of Aberjian? It seemed like we’d be putting almost as much effort into distracting Angel's crew as we are in assuring the Senior Partner's wishes.” I wish I knew exactly what those wishes were, but I wasn't looped in.

“We can't have them racing around trying to stop us. We need them out of our way.” 

“Why haven't the Senior Partners moved their main focus to a city that doesn't feature a Watcher complex and several Slayers, not to mention Angel and Connor?” I asked. That had never made much sense to me.

“Don't tempt them or you'll find yourself living in Omaha or something.” Lilah smirked.

I shuddered. “No thanks. So, we're going to bring back someone from the dead?”

Lilah sat in front of my desk, her perfectly manicured fingers ticking against the paper work. “Maybe. It would be a good distraction but which one? We already pulled Darla back once.”

I nodded, remembering how that worked out. “Did you know at the time we'd end up with Connor?”

She snorted. “No one saw _that_ coming except maybe the Great Potentate of Ul-Thur but who the hell listens to vampire seers?”

“Angel,” I replied, thinking about Drusilla.

Lilah spread her hands. “Fair point. It might be unwise to bring back Faith but that would definitely distract all of them. She was tangled up in all their lives.”

“Our investigators say Connor loved her.” I made a face. I didn’t like thinking about it. I had liked Faith in our brief time together, but even back then it was obvious the kid carried a torch for her. He’s a creepy dude so I felt bad for Faith. “He can be insanely loyal, Lilah. We do this, he _will_ come for us.”

“Only if he knows we did it.”

I suspected Angel or Connor would figure it out. I didn't like that idea. “I know Angel was fond of her too. Can it be safe to bring back a Slayer? Will she come back still a Slayer?”

“Buffy did.” Lilah pursed her lips. “Cordelia might be a safer choice but after that hybridization thing she had done to her, I'm not sure it's possible. Though it did work with a vampire and it brought her back human.”

I shook my head. I didn't like this. I always knew that staying with Wolfram and Hart might mean I’d have to go up again Angel but every time I thought about leaving, something happened, and I remembered why I loved being here. Still, Angel did me wrong sometimes, but he saved my ass too, so I wasn't easy with hurting him. I really wish Lilah would just handle it, and I could pretend it wasn't happening. Connor I cared less about. He had been weird the entire time I knew him. Fred might have felt a little bonded to him during those months we watched out for him, I never really did. He did nothing but challenge me at every turn.

“What?” Lilah cocked up an eyebrow.

“I just think there's a lot of potential for blow back on this because if we are discovered we're going to find witches, Slayers and a vampire with his unnatural brat on our doorstep. And we'll be out a lot of money at the same time.”

“Do you have any other ideas?”

I shrugged. “I haven't given it much though. This is _your_ project, Lilah, not mine. But to distract them might not take all this. Heck, just like that time when I first got messed up with them, Angel had me watching Cordy and Wes in the hospital. Them being hurt was distraction enough.”

“Yes, but what you just said makes an argument against it. Angel ended the distraction by having you there, and he has a bigger team now.”

“I know that, but I'm thinking that just putting a hurt on a key player might be distraction enough. It's not as if they have a clue as to what we're doing, right?” Didn’t I just argue they might have an inkling? I needed to get my act together.

“Not that we're aware of, and to be honest, I had this same thought. Our usual snitch is going to be here soon, and I was also thinking that you can have your contact get us this.” Lilah stood and slipped me a piece of paper. 

I had no idea what this stuff was, but I probably didn't need to. “Will do.”

Of course, I didn't want to think about the parts I did know about. The Senior Partners' plan held some ugly things in it. I wasn’t privy to all of it, but I knew enough to realize Lilah worried, and she was freaking dead. She said we'd be safe, but it was hard to say. I had fretted about this. I was more worried last week but a trip up to the White Room had eased that some, though when I thought about it, I couldn't quite remember what had been said.

“You still look upset,” Lilah said. “You aren't going soft on Angel, are you?”

I couldn't quite meet her eye. “No, but I'm not particularly interested in harming them either.”

“You'll have to get over that. Besides, a little harm won't destroy Angel.” Lilah grinned.

Before I could respond, Detective Lawson strolled in. I didn't like this guy, and I'm sure he didn't like either of us based merely on race and gender. Our being lawyers were just icing on the cake. He tossed himself in a chair, giving me that cocky look like I should be kissing his butt or polishing his shoes. I'm not sure why Lilah keeps such close tabs on Connor. He's done nothing of interest for Wolfram and Hart that I could tell. 

“So, what do you have for us Detective?”

“Oh, it's a hysterical one this time.” Lawson chuckled, his paunch jiggling. “Your boy actually brought a case he got from a psychic.”

Lilah's eyes lit up. “A psychic? Really? How odd.”

Lawson snorted. “Odd, that's Devlin. Guy's a freak. Probably doing my partner while he's at it.”

That was not the first time Lawson had made that accusation during his various reports. I figured he liked imagining it but would die before admitting it. “What kind of psychic lead?” That interested me way more than Connor's love life. The less I knew about that, the happier I was.

“A body hidden inside a theater.” Lawson made a face. “Weird thing is, they found a body long walled up right where Devlin's psychic said. What are the chances?”

“Not good, I should think,” Lilah said.

“How do you think he managed that?” I asked.

Lawson shrugged. “Maybe the woman who brought the case did it, or knows who did? All I know is they pulled my partner in to help do some interviews because Devlin's related to the woman who brought the psychic lead.”

I sat up straighter. I knew Connor had no relatives other than Angel. “Oh?”

“Bautista said her name was Dawn Summers-Nyhammer. Mean anything to you?”

Lilah grinned. “Oh yes. Anything else?”

“Not really. He's been all work and no play lately except for some clubs. Though I've heard rumors he's been taking risks. Who knows? I don't like hanging in the same clubs he does so you might want to pay me more for that.”

Lilah didn't even hide her eye roll. We already paid him more than enough for his scant information. “What sort of clubs? Sex dungeons? Gay?”

“Irish,” Lawson grated out. “And that weird karaoke one with the guy who likes to dress up like a green demon.”

“Irish, oh the horrors,” Lilah said, exchanging a look with me. Lorne might be a problem if Connor was singing for him.

Lawson sniffed at her amusement and stood. “The micks know two things, drinking and brawling, and Devlin is good at both. That's why I don't trust him. He has a temper like a rabid snake.”

“I'm not sure snakes get rabies, but I know what you mean. I’m acquainted with his temper,” I said, and Lilah stifled a snicker.

“Always expected to get a domestic violence call on him but it never happens. He must live like a monk. Oh, one last thing, he’s hanging out with the assistant D.A. McDonald. Maybe he’s dating him instead of Bautista. Heard they’ll be at the food truck festival this weekend.” Lawson rolled his shoulder and stomped off toward the door. “Payment like usual I guess.”

“See Ms. Aizawa on your way out.” Lilah said.

He flipped her a little wave and disappeared. I was glad to see him go. 

“That was mostly pointless but am I wrong in thinking that name is familiar? Isn't Buffy's name Summers?” I was pretty sure it was but again, I left Angel and company to Lilah. 

She nodded. “Dawn is her sister. So, she's in town.”

I followed her thought trail and shook my head violent. “Hell, no. I don't think using the Slayer's sister as a distraction is a good idea. Angel is one thing. Not every Slayer is convinced Angel is worth protecting but they would certainly rally around if we hurt the Slayer's kid sister.”

Lilah pursed her lips at me. “You might be right. I'm going to tell our prejudiced friend to keep a special eye on Dawn and Connor to see if they're interacting, and I'm going to see if I can arrange a little distraction if your friend can get the stuff on that list, I gave you. You might want to check into whatever dear Lindsey is doing with our boy this weekend.”

“Fine.” 

I watched her go, an uneasy feeling settling in my stomach. I didn't like this. Just as I thought that, I got a text, asking me to come to the White Room in a half hour. In the meantime, I put in a call to Gwen. If anyone could track down the items on Lilah's list, it would be her. Later she and I could have a great deal of fun like always. That thought would get me through the whole White Room meeting, I hope.


	10. Dawn

Chapter Ten -Dawn

_If I leave my grin behind, remind me_  
that we're all mad here  
and it's okay.   
**Cheshire Kitten – S.J. Tucker**

I was both disappointed Buffy chose not to go the Food Truck Fest and a little glad too. I wanted to spend time with my sister, but I wanted to get to talk to Connor outside of her sphere of influence. Wes was with me, but he didn't seem to have strong opinions one way or the other about Connor. Maybe that’s a misperception on my part. Wes had wanted me and Connor to talk for years, so maybe he liked him. Buffy had elected to help Angel with some of the research into this nebulous vision. Spike, Dru and Mary Ellen would be here in within a week or so. I was excited to see Spike. I didn't know Mary Ellen well and Drusilla made me nervous. I know Spike had her in hand, but Drusilla was often more than a handful.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Wes said as we threaded through the crowds at the festival. God everything smelled so good. I didn't even know where to begin, and I guess I'd been quieter than I thought if Wes was prompting me.

“Just a bit overwhelmed. Where do we start? Are Connor and Lindsey here?”

“I think so.” Wes took out his phone, texting Connor. “Ah, they're over by the Twisted Pretzel truck. He has a little table for us. He said get what you want for round one and join them.”

I blinked. “Round one? How much does he think I'm going to eat?”

Wes chuckled. “Surely by now you know how most men eat.”

“Like you may never see food again?”

“That's it, and Connor, for all he's a little thin guy, eats like he's eating for two.”

I snorted. “You have to be kidding. I would have bet on he forgets to eat judging by how slender he is.”

“Just preparing you.” Wes grinned. 

“Should I text him for tips?”

“I could.”

I frowned. “Has he changed his mind about me talking to him?'

“Actually yes. He was going to tell you today. Oh, you can call him about the case but otherwise he'd rather you go through me.”

My jaw dropped. God, what had I done? Was I too friendly to Angel? Had Buffy said something I didn't know about. “What did I do?”

“Oh, sorry, no, I didn't mean to imply that.” Wes blushed. “I should have started with he doesn’t want to cause you any problems with your divorce in case it gets nasty, and if someone goes looking into your time here. You could probably write it off as him being sort of your brother in law but ...”

“Someone could suggest I'm cheating on Chris.” I wrinkled my nose. “Is he always this suspicious?”

“Yes. It's part of who he is at a deep level,” Wes said, “There's probably is a term for it in the psychology books.”

I snorted but I wasn’t sure that it was a joke. I grinned, spotting a food truck of Vietnamese food. I got a braised pork belly banh mi while Wes played it safe with a fish and chips truck – though I’m not sure fish at a food truck was safe. I followed him to Connor and Lindsey who were tucked into a shaded table. Oh man, did Connor really have on a T-shirt that read _Póg mo thóin_ on the back and ‘Irish as Feck’ on the front? I giggled but of course me and Wes were probably one of the few around here who had a clue that _póg mo thóin_ meant kiss my ass. Given what I’ve been told by everyone that was such a Connor sentiment. Still, this casual, raunchy T-shirt was not exactly what I was expecting. This was Faith’s Connor sitting there with a huge pile of food. 

Lindsey waved us over and I sat next to Connor, leaving Wes to sit with Lindsey. I wanted to know more about Faith’s Connor. I had heard so much about him, of course, but I had only so far seen Buffy’s Connor: the prickly bastard. He smiled at me and gestured to the spread of food in front of him. If that was round one, I hated to see round two. How did he stay that thin eating like this? 

“Glad you could make it,” he said. “Would you like to share halfsies with me?”

“Didn’t offer me that.” Lindsey rolled his eyes. 

He curled his lip at Lindsey. “You’re on your own.”

“I’d be happy to try… well, some of it. You have quite a bit.” I smiled.

Connor nodded. “Kimchi quesadilla, hot dog with peanut butter and bananas,”

“Disgusting,” Wes broke in.

“Eat your chips, Wes.” Connor smirked. “And from India Jones Chow, the lamb taco chaat, my favorite.”

“Okay I can’t resist the weird hot dog. Trade you half my pork belly,” I said, welding a plastic knife. I sliced my sandwich down the middle and traded him half. 

He put part of the kimchi quesadilla on my plate too. “Want some of the lamb as well?”

“Let me get through this.” I took a bite of my pork belly finding it even better than I was hoping it would be. “I know you can’t tell me any more about Maribel’s case, and I don’t really want to spend a nice afternoon out talking about things the seers have seen, so what shall we talk about?”

“Tell me about your art,” Connor suggested. 

I blinked. “Really?” I certainly wasn’t expecting that. 

“Yes. I’ll admit it, I’m not great with art. Quor-Toth didn’t exactly prepare me for that and apparently what Angel did to me didn’t give me much in the way of art either.”

“I’ve always wondered if that lack was Wolfram and Hart messing with Angel. He’s a good artist,” Wesley said, and Lindsey snorted. “No, really. He is.”

“You might be right,” Connor nodded, taking a healthy bite of his hot dog. When he finished chewing, he added, “They gave me music instead, and Angel’s singing scares small children. That’s like a big middle finger right there.”

I almost choked on that kimchi quesadilla bite. “He is pretty awful. So, you sing?”

“No, I’m average at very best. But your art? No one has ever told me about your art or honestly, much about you other than I should talk to you.” He glanced around at the people around us. “But the conversation about how you and I are so delightfully unique.” Connor eye rolled. “Should wait until we’re not in public.”

“Agreed but really, Buffy’s never mentioned my art at all?” I felt somehow annoyed about it.

“Nope, I guess we only talk about work. I thought she liked me but…” He shrugged, an indiscernible expression crossing his face. “Maybe I’m wrong.”

“I’m not sure…” Wesley started but Connor held up a hand.

“She doesn’t. I’m getting that now. Not sure what the fuck I did but I don’t think it’s all about Angel. This has been building lately, and I’ve been out of his life for decades.”

“I agree with Connor,” I said. “There is something she’s upset about but I don’t know what.”

Connor waved me off. “It’s all right. Maybe it’s just as well. Maybe she’ll stop asking ‘do I know who I am,’ and trying to get me to talk to Angel. And this topic is more depressing than the visions. Please, tell me about your art. Can you show me anything?”

I nodded, grateful for him steering me back on topic. “Mostly I do mixed media, usually paints and glass. I do glassblowing but what I really love is stained glass. I’ve been repairing stained glass on old Victorians as a side line back home.”

“That is _so_ cool. I can’t imagine having the patience to do that sort of thing,” Connor said.

“Or patience at all,” Lindsey said.

“Only in a hunt,” Wesley added. “He has the patience of Job then.”

“Are you two clowns done?” He arched an eyebrow at them and popped the last of the hot dog in his mouth

“I’m sure we’re not,” Lindsey replied, and Connor snorted.

“Here,” I took out my phone and opened the pictures. I pulled up one of my mermaids that was painted with glass fish and shells all over. “I won an award for this one recently.”

“Oh, wow, that’s amazing. I love it. I do love glass. It’s something there wasn’t any of it in Quor-Toth. I found it fascinating when I got here, ran into a lot of windows at first until I realized glass was just everywhere here.” He wrinkled his nose. “I’ve not seen anything like this.” Connor passed the phone to Lindsey and Wes for them to take a look.

“Oh yes, the Lady of the Seas, that is a fine piece of work, Dawn. You made all the glass bits, didn’t you?” Wes asked.

I nodded. “It was a lot of work.” I beaconed for them to give me back my phone and I showed off a few more of my favorite pieces as we finished up round one of the food. I was already pretty full, and I was happy to show off my art. We talked and laughed, and I can’t remember the last time I relaxed this much with new people, Wes the exception as he was far from new to me. After a bit, however, I caught Connor eyeing the trucks in the background. “We can continue this topic if you want or you can tell me about that music comment of yours. What is it if not singing but it can wait until round two. I can see you’re about to burst if you can’t go hunting for more food.”

He grinned, a hint of a blush kissing his cheeks. “Guilty as charged. You ready for more?”

“Not if it looks like round one. Maybe dessert. How about you two?” I asked of Wes and Lindsey

“I don’t have Connor’s stamina,” Wes replied.

“I’m planning on a bit more,” Lindsey said. 

“I do want Thai iced tea and maybe one of those frozen desserts they have.” I levered myself up. “And you have to tell me about your music.”

“I will.”

“He’s rather good at it,” Wes said, trailing after them.

“Ooo, chicken and waffles!” Lindsey hared off, but called over his shoulder, “Dawn, they do wrap it to go if you want.” 

“Get me some,” I called after him, bee-lining for the Thai truck with Wes.

Connor hit the shawarma truck, coming away with a big container before popping into a burger place. I was in absolute awe as I dragged Wes over to wait for whatever the hell else Connor thought he could jam into his gut.

“What did you get?”

“Shawarma and za’atar fries and getting the crunchy piggy here,” he replied.

“Do I even want to know?” I rolled my eyes.

“A burger covered with tons of cheddar and homemade pork rinds.”

“You want to die soon, don’t you?” Wes asked dryly. Connor flipped him off grinning wickedly.

“I am suitably impressed and while we wait, tell me about the music.” I wasn’t going to let him off the hook. I had him laughing and talking before so I wanted to see if I could push it. If he did anything musical, my sister never said. 

He sighed, looking away. “Fiddle. They programed me to play fiddle.”

He sounded so unhappy, I regretted prodding him about it. I touched his arm. “Putting the whole spell aside, do you _like_ playing fiddle? Does it make you happy?”

“I guess but how can I know if that’s actually me or just some tidbit that really is just a piece of the spell,” he replied, accepting the bag with his burger in it.

“Believe me, I know how that feels. Every part of my childhood is like yours, not real. I made the choice a long time ago to just accept it. I’ve never liked peas, mushy or otherwise, since my earliest memories, so I know that it’s rooted in the spell but if I worry about it, if I let myself try to pick it apart what is me and what came from magic, I’ll go nuts. So, I decided it’s fine that I don’t like peas for whatever reason, and that I like art and walking in the rain.”

Connor smiled but somehow still managed to seem sad. Next to him Wes shot me an approving glance. “That’s probably healthier than my approach.”

“It wasn’t easy, Connor. I went through a lot of dark to find that bit of light,” I admitted, my scars from my days of cutting seeming to throb at the remembrance.

He nodded, and then scowled, squinting into the distance. “Wes, get Dawn out of here.”

“What? What did I say?” I stared at him, stunned. What in the world could I have said wrong? 

Wes glanced around as if expecting an enemy, which I might have done if I’d been thinking. All I saw was Lindsey returning. He gave me my chicken and waffles. “What is it, Connor?”

“Just go, Wes. Take this.” He jammed the two food containers into Wes’s hands. “I don’t want her seeing me with you two.”

“Who? Your partner?” I asked.

“No, Lilah.” He nodded with his chin toward the east. 

Wes went pale and I tried to spot her. I’ve only seen her in pictures, but I thought I saw her several trucks away. Wes scowled. “Gunn at three o’clock.”

“Shit. What does Wolfram and Hart want? There’s no chance they’re just here for food is there?” Connor asked.

“Unlikely,” Lindsey said.

“Alright then let’s get out of here Wes, if you all think we’re in danger,” I said, not sure what was going on. He handed me off the food containers so he could dig out the car fob.

“Linds, do you want to lead them off with me or just get the hell out?” Connor asked.

“I’ll help.”

“I’ll meet you later then, Wes. Dawn, better move quick before they get close. Who knows what they want,” Connor said, and then ran off toward Gunn. Lindsey followed him.

I followed Wes at top speed back to his car. He was eerily quiet all the way back to Buffy’s. I wanted to ask a million questions but something about the way it all went down left me unsettled, clutching stupid food cartons close to me. He parked in the drive, still quiet.

“Wes, are you okay?” I asked finally as I walked up to the house.

“Sorry, just thinking and wondering about something.” He glanced up at the sky and sighed. “It’s too early to get Angel outside.”

I narrowed my eyes. He knew something he wasn’t saying. “The back patio is covered. Is it shadowed enough?”

Wes wrinkled his nose. “Maybe but probably not at this hour.” He took the cartons from me and let me try the door since I had the key if Buffy wasn’t in and Angel was asleep.

“You’re probably right.” 

The door was open, and I took the food from him, carrying it into the kitchen. Buffy was there, poking in the fridge. My sister didn’t have much skill in the culinary arts. If I was a great sister, I’d let her have my chicken and waffles, but she had the option to come with us and passed. 

Buffy cocked her head at me. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m not entirely sure. You’d better round up Angel. Wes has something to add to this but he’s jumpy as hell.” 

“I’m not jumpy, just deeply concerned,” Wes said from the other room.

“What happened?” Buffy held up a hand to me. “Wait. I’ll get Angel, and then you can tell us both.”

“That would be for the best,” Wes said.

I nodded and waited for them in the living room. It didn’t take Buffy long to come back with a sleepy-groggy Angel. They sat across from me and Wes. “Okay, Wes, now would be the time to tell me what the heck is going on. You and Connor and even Lindsey looked like a mass of demons had descended on us. I mean, I know who Gunn and Lilah are, but I guess I’m missing the threat.”

“Gunn?” Angel leaned forward, a hint of growl in his voice. “And Lilah?”

Wes nodded. “Connor spotted Lilah first. We had just gotten round two of food and he insisted I get Dawn out of there.”

“That’s what has me confused. I didn’t see a threat other than I know they work for Wolfram and Hart who are in all likelihood responsible or will be for what was in Dru’s premonition,” I said. 

“Connor is very protective,” Wes said, and I could see Buffy wanted to protest for some reason, but she held her tongue. “I think he wanted to be sure Wolfram and Hart didn’t get the idea Dawn had a connection to him.”

“Why would that matter?” I asked.

“Honestly, because you’re what you are, Dawn,” Angel said in a way that made me shudder.

“Wolfram and Hart would be interested in you just for being you but put you with Connor, and it might be irresistible to them,” Wes added, making things worse. 

“How?” My voice went weak as a third use tea bag. 

“I’m sure they’d have multiple ideas, but they’ve been interested in breeding Connor. Adding his power to yours, they couldn’t-”

“Wait, what about breeding?” Angel broke in. I was sure I didn’t want to know more.

Wes scrubbed a hand over his stubbly chin. “They’ve expressed an interest in it,” he replied, cryptically. “He is naturally not about to let them do that.”

“But should we call Connor or Lindsey to see what is going on or if they got caught or something,” I said. 

“Texted them. Connor’s on his way here. Lindsey had followed Lilah, but she only went back to Wolfram and Hart. He’s going to meet up with Kate.”

“I don’t like this,” Buffy said, her gaze catching mine in a way that sent a frisson of nerves racing through me.

“I don’t either. Angel, have you learned anything?” I asked.

He shook his head. “Nothing. I’m going to push harder and not worry if Wolfram and Hart hears about it. If Gunn and Lilah were at the festival, it’s very possible they knew you’d be there.”

“I just decided to go so how would they know?” 

“I was thinking more of Wes or Connor but I’m sure Lilah wouldn’t miss the significance of you being in town,” he replied as someone knocked on the door.

Buffy went to answer it. I wasn’t surprised to see Connor following her back to the kitchen. His eyes sparked when he saw me.

“Good, you guys got here without a problem,” he said. 

“I’m fine. What happened after you sent me away?” I asked.

“We split up to follow them. I decided not to confront because it would most likely go wrong. There’s no reason they shouldn’t be there if they wanted to play it that way, and if I went off on them, it’d likely end up on YouTube or something. I follow Gunn to his vehicle, but I didn’t chase after him. He said nothing to me, but he knows I saw him obviously. Lindsey spotted Lilah’s car not that far from his own, so he followed her, but she just went back to work. It’s weird that they were there,” Connor said.

“That’s what we were talking about before you knocked,” Buffy said.

“Oh?”

“How they knew that any of us were there, it seems so coincidental,” I replied.

Connor scowled. “I know Wes thinks I’m paranoid, but I’m always concerned Wolfram and Hart is spying on me, probably all of us. I hate talking business like this in the house.”

“I think that you might have a point, but we should be relatively safe here. There are a lot of spells on the house here and at the Watchers’ complex,” Wes replied. “It should keep them from bugging us.”

“I’m less sure of that. They were obviously watching us from a couple of different vantage points at the festival. I don’t believe it was coincidental,” Connor said.

“He’s likely right about that,” Angel added.

“But why?” Buffy asked. “Do you think this has anything to do with the visions or the whole other disgusting thing?”

“Honestly I have no idea,” Connor replied. “I’m leaning toward yes on the vision since I’m not sure about the disgusting thing. They’re the top suspects as to who would do something like that to me or Angel. I’m sure today was a precursor to whatever is coming. It was probably a mistake to let me spot them.”

“They either thought there would be enough people there for them to blend in,” Wes said. “Or maybe they’re trying to spook you.”

“That can’t be wise,” I said.

“No, not usually,” Connor agreed. “Now what?”

“I am trying to find leads, but it isn’t going well. We really are going to have to get Lorne in on this and see if there is something he can see,” Angel replied.

“I’ll double check with him,” Wes said.

“If there’s nothing else I can do, I’m going to take off. I have a few things I need to get done since I have a day off,” Connor said.

“I think we’re at a standstill,” Buffy said. “For now.”

“Okay. Where’d my food go?”

“In the fridge, here I’ll get it for you,” I said. 

“Want half of the crunchy piggy. I saw you eyeing it.” He smiled at me.

“Do I want to know?” Buffy glanced at me.

“A burger with pork rinds,” I said.

“And lots of cheese,” Connor added, following me in the kitchen.

“Sounds healthy,” Buffy said wryly. “Are you planning an early grave?”

Connor snorted. “Probably will take more than this. You can have part of Dawn’s half.”

“I want to live unlike my sister.” Buffy grinned at me, and I huffed at her as I got a knife out of the block. I pulled the burger out of the fridge. 

“And Dawn, I have another request,” Connor said.

Buffy and I gave him twinned inquisitive looks.

“I know I’ve already said don’t call or text me, so your husband’s lawyer doesn’t get the wrong idea,” he said.

“Yeah and?”

“If Wolfram and Hart knew to find me or whoever they were looking for out of our group, then they must be spying on us,” Connor said, getting his other food carton out of the fridge. “I don’t want _them_ thinking you and I have any relationship.”

“We don’t,” I pointed out. “I barely know you.”

“And even that is more than I want that damn law firm to know. If you have questions about the case or anything else, run them through Buffy, please. They already know she and I have a working relationship, not to mention him.” He gestured to Angel who leaned against the kitchen doorway. “I don’t trust them and what they might do if they think you and I mean anything to each other.”

“We’ve already discussed some ugly possibilities,” I said, not wanting to think on them again. Oh so that was the ‘disgusting thing’ Buffy meant. “All right. I don’t want on their radar either. Hopefully they’ll think I was there with Wes.” I put my half of his sandwich on plastic wrap and packaged it up. I grabbed my Thai desserts. “I know these won’t heat up as good as one would hope but have half my fried bananas in exchange for the burger.”

Connor chuckled. “You don’t have to do that.”

“I ate half your food as it was. Indulge me.”

“I do like dessert. Thanks. I’d better get going if I plan on finishing what I need to do. I’d lay low for the rest of the day, Dawn. Who knows if Wolfram and Hart has this place bugged?” He turned to Buffy. “Let me know about Lorne, please.”

“I will.”

“Thanks.” 

I watched Connor sail past Angel and Wes before I put the burger back in the fridge.

Buffy raised her eyebrows at me. “Was he flirting with you?”

“I don’t think so. We were all just talking today, right Wes?” I asked. I could see why Buffy might suspect flirting, but I hadn’t gotten that vibe off Connor. It had seemed simply friendly.

“I don’t think he was flirting but he was certainly interested in getting to know you, Dawn. Of course, I’ve been encouraging him to try that for years, but it wasn’t easy with you on the other side of the country and with a husband he worried would get jealous.” Wes shrugged. “Also, in my experience, Connor considers married women off limits.”

“I should hope so,” Buffy said, wrinkling her nose.

I turned to Angel, leaning back against the counter. “Angel, I think I owe you this since I’ve told you I found Connor sad and lonely and a predator.” I flushed a little at that. Said that way it was fairly insulting. “Today I met a completely different Connor, the one Faith used to talk to me about.”

He smiled faintly. “He was on his best behavior then.”

“He was funny and sweet. He was very interested in my art. I could see it in his eyes that he didn’t quite get it, and I felt bad for him,” I said, mulling over Connor’s reactions to my work. “Like he was on the outside looking in. He said he didn’t get art education from the spell, and I can’t imagine Quor-Toth helped him learn to appreciate it any, sort of like dropping someone who hadn’t had checkbook math into advance calculus.”

“That might be an apt comparison,” Wes said, walking out of the kitchen. “Even now there are some things Connor finds completely alien. I’m going to go give Lorne a call now.”

“Thanks, Wes,” Angel called after him. “I’m sorry he didn’t appreciate your work, Dawn. I love what you do.”

“Oh, that’s not it, but thanks. No, he did like it, but you could tell he was missing the key to unlocking it. Hell, Chris hasn’t been that interested in my art in years. It was nice to show it to someone who was.” I shrugged. “I just thought you should know that there is joy in his life that I missed previously. I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise. I was meeting him over a homicide case, not hardly a setting that induces a lot of happiness.”

“True.” Angel’s phone rang. He answered. “Oh, Clem, thanks for calling me back.” He disappeared, probably heading to his office.

I turned to Buffy. “You really can have half of that burger.”

She laughed. “I’ll let you risk your own blood vessels. I’m glad he behaved himself today.”

“I’m not having any problems with Connor. Is he always so overprotective?”

Apparently, it was the wrong question to ask judging by the shadow that crossed Buffy’s face. “It depends on who you are,” she grated out, and then shook her head. “Wes thinks he has a few more books that have different spells in them that might be close to the one Wolfram and Hart used to resurrect Darla. He dropped them off last night for Angel. Maybe you and I could go through one or two of them now.”

Buffy didn’t often offer to do the book work. I took it as her slamming to door on the topic of Connor. Fine, it was work that needed doing. “Sure, let’s see what we can find.”

“And if you’re still into sharing food, I wouldn’t mind the fried bananas.” She smiled.

“I’m sure you can talk me into it,” I replied. “First person to find a likely spell gets them.”

“You’re on.”

I hoped we’d find something that would help but I didn’t have a good feeling about it.


	11. Angel

Chapter Eleven– Angel

_I get lost_  
I get used  
Take the praise  
And abuse 

_Am I the hero in my own daydream?_  
Am I the villain, are things as they seem?   
**My Life – Abney Park**

 

Clem hadn’t any real information for me, but he was keeping those long ears open. I appreciated it. He’d been helpful in the past, so I was grateful to Spike for the introduction. Lorne was going over to the Hyperion for a private session at seven before he headed to work.

Buffy and Dawn had been out all day. One of Dawn’s old art school friends wanted her to meet up for lunch, show off her work and what not. Buffy went with her because she knew Dawn was having a hard time facing what divorce would put her through. While she seemed okay in one sense, she no doubt was hiding pain because even though she wanted the marriage to end, I was sure it still hurt. It wasn’t as if she were shedding an abusive spouse. I hoped a good new beginning would come of this love’s end. Dawn deserved a break. We all did.

I suppose in some ways, Dawn had a good life compared to some of us. Watchers generally did. Buffy wanted a different, non-supernatural, life for her sister. Dawn had her own plans, just like my son. He - like Dawn – seemed happy enough in their chosen lives. Oh, I knew Connor had some real issues, but they weren’t all related to being in homicide. It took a lot to mess him up as much as he was. Many of us played a role, including him.

At least I’d get to see him tonight. Whatever this terrible vision meant for us, it threw me and Connor together. Dawn seemed to have brought out Connor’s better manners. I suppose he liked her. I hadn’t seen him be so solicitous since Faith passed. If I didn’t think it would be taken wrong, I’d buy Dawn something nice as a thank you. It would probably send Connor off the deep end taking Buffy with him.

My phone rang and I answered it. I didn’t like texting. I know some people have phone anxiety, but I found it impersonal as did Spike who was on the other end.

“Oi, Peaches, is Wes or Red around?”

He was never going to stop calling me insulting nicknames so I refused to rise to his bait. “Wes is at the Watcher’s complex and Willow is still en route. Why?”

“Tried calling Wes. Bloody bugger probably forgot to charge his phone again. Dru had another vision. Did Wes’s seer have any more?”

“Not that I’m aware of it. What did Dru see?”

“Great big mouths and eyes in the sky. With people trooping in and out.”

I had no idea what to say to that. “Mouths?”

“And eyes. With people going through. I’m thinking portals.”

Spike usually was good at deciphering Dru’s visions. “Makes sense I wouldn’t put it past Wolfram and Hart to open multiple hellmouths. I’ll check with Wes to see if his seer has had another vision. Where are you now?”

“We’ll be in New York in a few days, and it’ll take another day past that to get to the west coast. Try not to cock it up before we get there.”

“You know what you can do with yourself,” I replied. Spike laughed and hung up. 

I did no better than Spike in raising Wes. It didn’t matter. I’d be going to the Hyperion later. I’d share it in person. I went back to my own research, but it didn’t get me very far by the time Buffy and Dawn arrived with dinner.

Afterward we went to the Hyperion with me in the trunk because it was still light out. Summer was never a vampire’s friend. At least I was practiced in making mad dashes from car ports to the buildings. We found Wes in the gym, sitting at a table reading. I heard some very soft sounds of water and glanced over the lip of the restored pool. Connor swam under water; maybe unaware we were there.

“Wes, I’ve been trying to call you all day,” I said.

“Oh, sorry. There was a tea mishap and the phone’s sitting in rice in a vain attempt to salvage it.” Wes sighed. “Has anything happened?”

“Spike called. Drusilla had a vision of mouths and eyes in the sky with people moving in and out,” I replied.

“That is creepy.” Buffy shuddered as Dawn said, “Seriously.”

“Has your seer seen anything like that?” I asked, casting another glance at the pool wondering how long Connor could stay submerged. 

“Not that I’m aware of. I’ll check into it, though I’m fairly sure they would have mentioned something to me,” Wes said, following my gaze. “He’s here to meet Lorne but it was a bad day at work. Proceed with caution.”

I grimaced, and Buffy snorted. “Thanks for the warning.”

Connor surfaced, taking a deep breath. He shook the water from his head, and then froze, seeing us standing there. “Is it that late already?”

“It’s getting there but it’s still light out,” Buffy replied. “We probably have at least a half hour before Lorne gets here if you want to continue your work out.”

“I’m done.” Connor grabbed the lip of the pool, pulling himself up into a handstand and flipped himself onto the floor. He ambled, dripping to a strappy pool chair and picked up his towel.

“You okay?” Dawn asked what I would have liked to. He’d probably take it better from her. “Wes said it was a rough day.”

Connor grunted. “Not about your case. It was a court day and the defense attorney basically called Nami and I idiots and bullies. We’re used to it, of course, but sometimes, it’s just the way they insinuate it….” He shook himself. “It’s lucky I have experience reining in my temper.”

Dawn closed the distance between them. “If the Irish stereotype is right, it’s probably a huge temper.”

“And you add in some demon, making my temper something best kept in a cage.” Connor dried off his legs. I had no idea he had tattoos from his left ankle up to his trunks, more Celtic knot work but different stylistically than the ones on his arm. I’d not seen the ones on his torso either. I wondered what drove him, but it looked fantastic. I didn’t know half of the demons driving my son.

“I’m sure,” Dawn said.

He caught her eyeing his legs and sat down on the chair to dry off his arms and chest. “You wanted to see the ink.”

“I did. It’s amazing.” Dawn sat next to him, bending over to examine them closer. She tapped just above his ankle. “Oh.”

Connor tucked his leg back, hiding his ankle for some reason. “This is what you can see without me taking off my suit. Some people might protest.” He glanced at Buffy.

Dawn traced the spirals around his knee. “Some people aren’t artists. You’d make a great life model.”

“I could just hear what my coworkers would say if they found out.”

“They’d be jealous someone found you worthy of turning into art?” Dawn arched her eyebrows at him.

“Damn straight.”

I watched the exchange, bemused. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Dawn was flirting with Connor. Whatever she was doing, it did seem to keep him mellow, so I was all for it.

“Dawn, you don’t need to see him…well I was going to say he probably doesn’t have his butt tattooed,” Buffy said, wrinkling her nose. “Maybe.”

“Probably _póg mo thóin_ ,” I muttered.

Connor glared. “I don’t.”

“So there, you don’t need him anymore stripped than he already is,” Buffy said, surprising me with her prudishness or maybe it was just that she didn’t want to see Dawn flirting with Connor. “Because I’m sure he doesn’t have, you know, inked up.” She waved a hand in front of her crotch.

Connor’s eyes widened as I cried, “Buffy!”

“Hell no! You have to be erect for that, and while I can take a lot of pain, I’m not about to have needles jamming into _that_ ,” Connor replied, and I shuddered at the thought. 

“And on that note, Connor has Spike contacted you?” I asked, desperately wanting to move the topic off needles driving into erections. That aside, I wanted to know more about the tattoo on his side of some rather gothic looking castle that dipped down below the elastic waistband of his trunks. “Dru’s had another vision.”

“Damn, no. Wes, hand me my phone. It just occurred to me I might not have turned it back on after court today.”

Wes surrendered the phone. “Here you go.”

“Thanks. Can’t believe I forgot to turn it on.” Connor stared at his screen. “He texted me. What was the vision?”

I told him as Dawn scrutinized his torso. To my surprise, Connor modeled for her.

“That is a disturbing vision,” he said. “Thoughts?”

“Portals?” Wes asked and I nodded.

“That’s my thought.”

“Then it’s probably a good thing I’m here,” Dawn said. “If there’s one thing I know, it’s portals.”

“I’m sure you’ll be invaluable,” Wes replied.

“Happy to help.” She tapped Connor’s side. “What is this one?”

“It’s called the Cliff Castle, not very inventive but it was a seat of power in Quor-Toth. If you held it, you were pretty much the ruler. I ended up there by accident, stayed a while before I decided it was time to come here to kill him.” Connor waved a lazy hand at me. 

I stared, gobsmacked. I knew I had made a grievous error when Connor first came to Earth. I acted like he was any teen born and raised here, desperate to connect with him, to teach him but what had he needed of me? I knew things from the worst hell actually had run from him, breaking through to here to escape his wrath. The Destroyer, a creature they feared above all else. It never even occurred to me Connor was as deadly as he was, and in hind sight, I have no idea why. “You ruled there?”

He studied me, his expression unreadable. His muscles tensed, and I thought here it goes. He’s going to leave because he usually does. “I didn’t mean to but yeah, for a while. I hated it. Holtz helped. He did most of the actual ruling part. I was the muscle that kept the throne if that’s what you want to call it. We stayed because Fah…Holtz was safer there than constantly on the run, at least for a while but there were so many challengers. It’s one of the reasons I tried to find my way here. I thought once I disposed of you, I could give my full attention to keeping him safe. I didn’t know anything of this place, not really, just his stories, didn’t realize he would have been safer here. I planned to leave him in Quor-Toth and go back once I’d killed Angel.”

“Why would you tattoo an unhappy memory to yourself?” Buffy asked.

Connor rolled his shoulders. “Because it was important. And if I’m honest, I’m sort of proud of myself for holding the castle.”

“I didn’t want to say it, not even sure it’s remotely appropriate but I was thinking that myself,” I admitted, and he snorted.

“Doubt much about me is appropriate,” Connor replied. He turned as a door opened. The tree of life with birds flying above it inked onto his back tighten.

I followed his gaze and my muscles followed suit: Andrew. I hated that he was still a Watcher. I hated even more that he was in the Los Angeles area and we had to deal with him. I most often took my son’s example and left but I couldn’t go anywhere, not with Lorne coming here, not with the visions looming over us.

Andrew swept past us, making a bee line for Dawn, arms open. “Dawn! It’s wonderful to see you. I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Hello Andrew.” Dawn’s reserved greeting didn’t warn him off, but she didn’t successfully side step his embrace though she tried. “I came out a little early for the anniversary party. I had some business with Connor.”

Andrew shot Connor a look of pure vinegar, and I made a note to myself to have Buffy talk to Dawn about the bad blood between Andrew and Connor, though she was likely to get an eyeful of it right now and would need nothing more in way of warning. Andrew swept around to face Wes. “Wesley, I thought this was going to be a business meeting.”

“Is that your way of saying you don’t think I have the right to be here?” Connor grated out, and I wanted to kick Andrew for ruining what had been at least a placid meeting.

“You are neither a Watcher nor a Slayer.”

“Neither’s Harris but you never throw a tantrum when he’s around.” Connor clenched his fists, and Dawn took a few steps back.

“He’s an associate,” Andrew replied airily.

“As is Connor,” Buffy said before I could. It was better coming from her anyhow.

“No, it’s fine. If I’m not wanted, I can be gone.” Connor held up his hands and started walking off.

“You know that’s not true,” Wes said, halting him.

“I don’t see what he has to offer in an analysis of these visions.” Andrew squared his jaw.

“Yes, he’s only a detective who spends all day working out puzzles.” Dawn rolled her eyes. “What use could he be?”

“Connor, please ignore him,” I said. “You know you and I are most likely the one whoever it is are trying to distract away from something. You should be here to sing for Lorne.”

Andrew glared at me, but I could care less. Connor looked equally unhappy, but he nodded.

“That is very presumptuous of you, Angel,” Andrew replied.

“Yes, so very because the three women in the vision are well loved by Angel and me.” Connor skinned his lips back into a rictus that should have been warning to all who saw it. “Who else could it be about?”

Andrew made a face as if Connor had wiped dog crap under his nose. “How do you even know so much about this vision?”

“Because Wes isn’t an idiot and he told me, and if he didn’t, Dru considers herself my big sister. She wouldn’t keep me in the dark, and really what the hell business is it of yours how Wes runs things? He’s the one in charge,” Connor grated out.

Dawn crossed the distance she had put between them and put a hand on his shoulder. “I’d like it if you’d stay.”

“For you, okay.”

Andrew’s cheeks reddened, and he sniped, “You do know she’s a married woman, right? Should you be flirting with her?”

“Keep your nose out of my business. That’s the only warning I’m giving you.” Connor jabbed a finger at him. “Maybe it’s best I go, Dawn.”

“He’s not flirting. But I think Angel’s right. You need to be here. Why don’t you dress, and I’ll buy you a thank you coffee at the cute shop down the block?” Dawn said. 

Connor took in a deep breath and nodded. Damn, maybe I should have insisted Dawn come for a visit long before now. She handled Connor even better than Faith had, probably because Faith was a lot like him, hot headed and opinionated. 

“I was hoping you and I could put our heads together and tackle this vision, Dawn,” Andrew countered. 

“He’s not going to let this go,” Connor muttered, and I wanted Wes to step in. Maybe that would just piss my son off more. Wes would know better than I. “More might get done if I go.”

“And we’d lose a valuable asset if you do,” Wes said, and Andrew rolled his eyes.

I wanted to clobber him for antagonizing Connor or just step aside and let my son do it himself. A phone rang before either of us could indulge our darker instincts. Connor snatched his cell up, moving off, talking into it quietly. I could hear that he was talking to his partner and it wasn’t good.

“Didn’t drive,” he said. “I’m at the Hyperion. Okay, see you then.” He disconnected, turning to Wes. “I’m out. Sorry.”

“Do you really have to go?” Buffy asked. “This is important.”

Connor looked at her and I caught the haunted expression on his face. “A family was murdered.” His chest heaved. “I hate it when it’s kids. The boy’s on his way to the hospital but his sister is waiting on me. Someone killed a six-year-old child, and now I have to go figure out who could do such a thing.”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

He nodded. “I’ll visit Lorne on my own because you’re right I should sing for him, but I have to go.” Connor hurried into one of the bathrooms installed in the gym. 

“So, happy now?” I snapped at Andrew who didn’t answer me.

“I believe we should look into reasons to bring about multiple portals first,” Wes said, trying to steer us back on topic.

I couldn’t concentrate on it as he and Dawn really dived into his books. Dawn handed a book off to Andrew, and I suspected he couldn’t actually read whatever language it was in judging by his expression. I swore I could smell her annoyance in the air. Connor came back a few minutes later, freshly washed and half dressed in his suit. He finished buttoning up his shirt, sling the suit jacket over a chair next to me before going into the rucksack I assumed was his since he pulled out a shoulder holster and gun along with a sapphire tie.

“I’m going to wait for Nami outside,” he grunted at us.

Buffy stood. “Connor, I know you have a long, sad night ahead of you, but it would really help if contact us as soon as you can to see if we’ve made any headway and if Lorne was able to help.”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

With that, he slipped out the door. I followed him with Wes on my heels for some reason. Connor paced the sidewalk, but I was forced to hug the building because of the setting sun. 

“Why did you follow me?” he asked without looking at me.

“I just wanted to see if you’re okay but honestly I know you’re not.”

Connor sighed, his shoulders slumping. “I know I shouldn’t let it get to me.”

“And I should do more to keep him in check,” Wes replied.

“I wasn’t talking about Andrew. I could care less if you pulled off his head and bowled with it.” I scowled. “I meant this is going to be a terrible case. I know that all murder is hard, but kids are worse.”

Connor’s eyes fixed on me and for a second, I thought he was about to snap at me, maybe tell me I’d know but instead he ran his hand through his wet hair. “It’s the hardest and on top of an already crap day. Sorry I wasn’t better behaved.” He directed that more to Wes than me.

“Until he showed up, you were fine. I didn’t realize you had so much ink,” I said, and he scowled. “It’s very well done.”

“It took a lot of time,” he said. “It means a lot to me.”

“That’s what matters,” I said as a car slowed and swung in toward the curb. 

“That’s Nami. I’ll contact you when I can, but this is going to wrap me up for a long time. There are at least four people shot,” he said, pulling open the door. The Asian woman at the wheel peered at us but said nothing. Connor raised a hand to me and Wes as he shut the door. She was gone before he was even belted in.

“How long do I have before Lorne’s here?” I asked Wes as I turned to walk back into the Hyperion.

“About a half hour. I’ll try to rein in Andrew, if that’s what you’re worried about. I should have done it earlier, but Connor prefers to fight his own battles. I’ll talk to them both about it as it’s nothing but disruptive and we don’t need it. Unfortunately, as you know Rosa lost her Watcher. I’ve had Andrew filling in until we can find a proper one. He’s not cut out for the field. He’s better working the archive.”

I had a very dark thought about him being out in the field until the inevitable happened and I didn’t feel particularly guilty about it. Giles and Wes had established several Watcher archives, in the States and the UK predominately but every continent except Antarctica had one. The one here had been stocked originally by books we hauled off when we parted ways with Wolfram and Hart. We operated on the idea they had so many books, like a darker version of the Vatican warehouses, they’d never know the books were gone because it was unlikely they knew they had them in the first place. No one ever came for them, so we seemed to be right. “Sounds like a plan. We better get back to it.”

Wes nodded, and I followed him in. I’d rather go somewhere else, but it would be a waste of time. I could lose myself in the research until Lorne showed up and ignore my simmering rage.


	12. Dawn & Gunn

Chapter Twelve – Dawn  
 _Lean on me, when you're not strong_  
And I'll be your friend   
I'll help you carry on   
**Lean On Me- Bill Withers**

 

The doorbell scared the hell out of me. I jogged halfway down the stairs before I remembered this wasn’t my house and I’d be expecting no one. As I rubbed sleep from my eyes, Buffy passed me on the stairs, with Bainisidhe on her heels, and Angel was already at the door. Outside the window, I saw the grey of pre-dawn, so Angel was probably already awake. Surprising me – and probably all of us – Angel opened the door to Connor who stood there with the rucksack from earlier and carrying another suit he’d gotten from god knows where. His shoes were off. I spotted them on the corner of the porch.

“Connor? What’s wrong?” Angel asked as Connor swayed on his feet.

“Buffy wanted me to come talk to you about what happened with Lorne when I was done. We just called it a night.” Connor rubbed a hand over his eyes. “Sorry, is it really late?”

“It’s six in the morning,” Buffy said, irritated but she also wore a concerned look. “I didn’t mean you needed to run right over. You look exhausted.”

“Six?” Connor blinked, his rucksack slipping. He barely caught it. “Sorry, I didn’t realize. Hell, I have to be back up in two hours.” He glanced over his shoulder. “Nami dropped me off.”

“Come inside, son,” Angel said.

“I left my shoes. Blood soaked through the paper covers.” He nodded to his discarded footwear. “It’s in my cuffs. Can I change?” Connor hefted the rucksack.

“Of course.” Angel stood a side and Connor dragged in, heading for the first-floor bathroom.

I guessed he’d been here enough to know where it was, despite Buffy telling me he rarely came by. It wasn’t their average week that’s for sure. I exchanged glances with Buffy. I knew her baffled face when I saw it. This visit had her confused as she must have expected Connor to be uncooperative with her request. Connor came back quickly without his fresh suit. He must have left it hanging on the hook on the back of the door. His rucksack dangled from his hand. Connor had sweatpants and a t-shirt on, something must have been in the workout bag.

“Sorry for waking everyone. I’ve been working for almost twenty-four hours, if you include the workout at the Hyperion,” Connor said.

“Why don’t you sit down,” I suggested, and he flopped down on the couch. The rucksack hit the ground hard. He pulled out his phone and set an alarm on it. “And Lorne didn’t really have much to add.”

“Oh, unfortunate.”

“Do you really have to go back to work in two hours?” Buffy asked, and he nodded. “Why don’t you crash here then?”

“Thanks.” Connor shut his eyes, resting his head back against the couch pillow. The tension left his body almost immediately. 

“I think he’s already asleep,” I said.

Angel nodded and gently laid Connor down on the couch. We left him there. Angel went out and rescued Connor’s shoes off the stoop and carried them downstairs. I assumed he might be trying to clean them up some. 

I turned to Buffy, “You going back to bed?”

She shook her head. “It’s not worth it.”

“Agreed.” I checked the bathroom, but the suit Connor had on wasn’t there. The fresh one was hanging where I expected it. I took his rucksack and found his blood-spattered clothing.

I hauled it downstairs, found some dishwashing gloves and used them to take the clothing out of the sack. Angel was scrubbing the blood off Connor’s dress shoes. I nudged him over to the dryer, so I could do the same to the cuffs of Connor’s pants.

“You don’t have to do that, Dawn,” Angel said.

“I know. I’m awake now. I doubt I could go back to sleep. We might be able to salvage these. It had to be a horrible night for him. He’s obviously exhausted so maybe this will make today a little better for him.”

“Thanks, Dawn. I appreciate it and I’m sure he will to,” Angel said.

“I’m sure.”

I got the clothing scrubbed out and put into the washer, thinking about what I had said. Lorne hadn’t been helpful though it wasn’t his fault. We all knew how it was for seers. Sometimes they got useful things, sometimes baffling and many times nothing at all. Tonight, was nothing. 

By the time eight o’clock rolled around and Connor’s alarm went off, Buffy had a pot of coffee made. Angel was half asleep on the love seat as if guarding his son and Bainsidhe was busy licking Connor’s hand, probably tasting him for later consumption. Connor stirred, scrubbed a hand over Bainsidhe’s head before sitting up. 

He looked at me with red, bleary eyes. “I’m sorry about this morning.”

“It’s fine. You were so tired you probably had no idea what you were doing. Buffy has coffee on.”

“Thanks.” He staggered up and shuffled to the bathroom. With Connor gone, Angel joined Buffy in the kitchen. Connor returned wearing his suit, carrying his clothing. “Where’d my bag go?”

I pointed to the door where I had put it. “I also cleaned your other suit, got the blood out. Angel got the shoes presentable.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to.”

“It’s fine. I was wide awake so might as well be helpful.”

“I appreciate it.” Connor walked into the kitchen, sniffing the air. “That coffee smells so good.”

“Have some,” Buffy waved to the coffee pot. “Are you okay?”

“Not really. I’ve got a fifteen-year-old in the hospital with a bullet graze to his hip and a mom, dad and six-year-old girl in the morgue,” Connor replied as he poured himself a mug. 

As he tossed an ungodly amount of sugar into it, Angel said, “I’m sorry. I can’t imagine having to tell that poor boy his family is gone.”

“My thought exactly,” I said, helping myself to the nearly empty pot. Buffy took it from me and started some more.

“Yeah, especially since I’m fairly sure he’s the one who killed his family,” Connor replied.

“You can’t be serious,” I said.

“After interviewing neighbors and the kid’s uncle, seems he had a girlfriend from an abusive home. She lived with them for a while til his parents called in the foster care system after she was caught using drugs. She had been pressuring him to run away. Who knows what happened next but hopefully by today I’ll have some idea.” Connor glanced around. “Can I bother you for some toast?”

I laughed. “Good luck. Buffy doesn’t believe in cooking.”

“Hey!” She narrowed her eyes at me.

“Prove me wrong. This kitchen is nearly empty.”

“And you like to create monstrosities,” Buffy replied.

“I’d settle for that,” Connor said. 

“I have some frozen breakfast burritos.” Buffy opened the freezer and pulled one out. 

“Thanks.” He popped it out of the plastic and tossed it in the microwave. “It’s not easy to cook for one. I get it. Hey, you don’t microwave your crap in here do you, Angel?”

“No, that’s all downstairs,” he replied, and Connor nodded.

His phone rang before he could reply. He put it on speaker phone, so he could dig out a plate. “Ready, Nami?”

“I’m dead,” his partner replied, and I could hear the voices of children in the background. “You still at your brother’s? Didn’t take off via bus?”

“Nope, I’m here if you want to pick me up. I can be outside.”

“Hey, I can take you to the station,” I said. “I want to go meet up with Wes anyhow for a research party.”

Everyone stared at me in shock. “Are you sure?”

“I can hear the kids. Let your partner have a few more minutes with them,” I said.

“Thanks” he and Nami chorused. 

“Mom is that Uncle Connor?” a young boy asked.

Connor took the phone off speaker, sipping his coffee and said a few words to the kid before hanging up. “I appreciate this Dawn. I have to go to the morgue first.”

“And yet you eat,” Buffy muttered.

“I’m pretty inured to it at this point,” he replied, taking a healthy bite of the burrito. “So, literally nothing last night?”

“Unfortunately. We didn’t find anything in the books,” Angel replied. 

“Though Wes and I have some ideas where to look today,” I added.

“Which is to the good and all of us sang. Lorne got no hits at all.” Buffy sat at the kitchen table. “He does want to try with you because of your connection to the women in the vision.”

“Yeah, probably not tonight either. I’ll do it as soon as I can though. Believe me, I want to know.” Connor drained his cup in a couple of long swallows. “Any thoughts on keeping tabs on Wolfram and Hart?”

“We’ve never had much success with that,” Angel replied.

“I know but we know Lilah and Gunn showed up at the festival. Somehow, they knew we’d be there. Maybe rather than trying to break into the law firm itself, we could follow those two,” Connor said, polishing off the burrito.

“I’ll see what we can do. I know you don’t have time to help with that, but Clem and a few others would be willing to help. Willow and Spike will be here soon enough,” Angel replied.

“Good. Thanks for letting me crash on the couch. I’m sorry if I scared everyone this morning, showing up so early. I’m ready when you are, Dawn.” Connor cast a glance in the direction of the coffee pot.

Buffy opened a cabinet and took down a travel mug. “If you have a few minutes, I’ll fill this up for you.”

“You’re the best.” He grinned. I wonder if he knew she probably didn’t think the same of him.

“You’ll need it.”

“I will.”

Once the fresh pot brewed and he fueled up, I let him direct me toward the morgue. At one point he squeezed his eyes shut, leaning his head against the window.

“You okay?”

“Headache creeping in,” he muttered, covering his face with his hands. 

“Lack of sleep not helping I’m sure.” 

In a few minutes he seemed better and I dropped him off. I met up with Wes in the archives. It was a long dry morning, but we had ideas, not happy ones. The best idea we had was they wanted to link the hells up, but we didn’t know what they hoped to gain. Afterward, I went to lunch with Xander and Dascha. God, their kids were getting so big. I felt an odd pang. While I was unsure I ever wanted kids, occasionally I considered it might be good. It might also be good to visit my ‘nieces’ and ‘nephews’ and go home to peace and quiet. Xander, however, was such a dad and a good one despite his initial reservations. We all had such bad upbringings for the most part, except maybe me and Buffy. Willow’s parents had been distant, Xander and Faith’s drunk and abusive, Connor’s upbringing was literally hell and me, I never actually had one. Mom was really only my mom for a brief time no matter how I remembered it.

I popped back in at the Hyperion, helped Wes find a few more books that he thought were squirreled away there; they were. I also helped him make up some suites for Willow and Iris, along with one for Spike and Mary Ellen. We also fixed up Angel’s old downstairs apartment for Drusilla. I was surprised to learn Wes planned to put a tracking spell on her when she arrived. Maybe Spike didn’t have her as controlled as I thought or maybe being away from London upset her. It was notoriously hard to predict her actions.

It was nearly dinner by the time I arrived back at Buffy’s. Angel was sleeping upstairs and Buffy was on Skype with the Australian team. I’d promised to call Chris and an hour of painful conversation later, where we dickered back on forth if there was anything left of our marriage to save – even though I knew I’d been right when I said I couldn’t tell him the truth about me and the supernatural so soon our marriage would have ended anyhow – I hung up, drained.

I all but crawled down the stairs, defeated. I came up with the idea of taking Bainsidhe on a long walk and think about what to call for delivery because I wasn’t up to cooking. I was fairly sure Buffy hadn’t attempted dinner. The doorbell rang, startling me. As I opened the door, I heard Angel stirring. At this point I was no longer surprised to see Connor there. His eyes appeared nearly swollen. I swore I felt his exhaustion.

“Come in,” I backed up, so he could stumble in and stumble was the right term. It had been a while since I’ve seen anyone this tired, not since the last almost-apocalypse. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Travel mug.” He held out the cup in question. “And I had a thought about all of this but honestly, I forgot it half way here, but I didn’t have the heart to tell Nami to change directions. I’ll just go home on the bus.”

“You’ll fall asleep and end up in Oregon or something.” I grinned, and he snorted at me.

“Dawn, was someone at the door?” Buffy called from where she’d been Skypeing. 

“Connor,” I replied, and she came out, wearing her surprised face. Angel hurried down the steps, and I figured he heard me. Vampires were a little creepy with how well they heard.

“Is there a problem?” Buffy asked.

“Just wanted to return you mug and I had ideas, but I forgot them on the way here.” He stifled a yawn. “Sorry, just too sleepy.”

“Have you gotten any sleep?” Buffy asked.

“No, worked the whole day.”

“Why don’t you sit and see if you can remember your idea,” Angel suggested, joining us near the door.

Connor made a face but slogged over to the couch. He slumped down on it. “I think it’s utterly gone.”

“Were you right this morning about the boy or can’t you talk about it?” I asked.

“Part of it will be on the news. I can tell you that. And yeah, well he didn’t shoot them. The girlfriend brought the gun and shot them when they refused to let him go. He thought she was going to just threaten them. Claims he never would have hurt his little sister.” Connor shrugged. “The girl says she was nowhere near there, but we know she was.”

“How awful.” I sat down next to him. “How are you?”

“Sad,” he replied softly.

“I’m sure. You could use some rest. Do you want to stay here? I’m sure Buffy wouldn’t mind if I made up one of the spare rooms for you.” I probably shouldn’t have volunteered their house, but I knew Angel would never turn Connor out.

He stroked Bainsidhe’s head as she forced herself on him. “I’m better off in my own home. I better go catch the bus. I don’t think that idea is coming back.”

“Well, maybe this will help. Wes and I think that it’s possible that they’re trying to hook up multiple dimensions but why we have no idea,” I said.

“I’m not much on portals. I mean, yeah I opened one, but I leave magic to those better at it than me,” he replied.

I studied him, taking in his weariness but unable to penetrate further. “How did you open the one to a place that’s not meant to be opened? I’ve never asked.”

“Beat a hole in the universe more or less. That’s what Buffy and the other Slayers keep me around for. Extra added muscle.” He grinned but it did nothing to erase his exhaustion.

“You add more,” Angel said but Connor waved him off.

“I was going to say he’s right.” Buffy smiled at him and Connor snorted, his belly rumbling.

“Did you eat dinner?” I asked.

“Is it dinner time? Sorry, I literally have no idea what time it is.” He pulled out his phone, checking the time. “Oh, so that’s a no. I had lunch at like 11 or something. Does that count?”

“Nope.” I plucked his phone from his hand.

“Hey.”

“Hush. You cook for one a lot too so I’m betting your phone’s full of your favorite take out. Ah, here we go.” I hit the speed dial. “What kind of Chinese do you want?”

He blinked, confused for a second, and then said, “Fried wontons and Hunan beef.”

I ordered that and some shrimp in garlic sauce for me. “Okay, let’s get you in my car, and I’ll take you home. You’ll have to direct me to the restaurant since I opted for pick up because I wasn’t sure I could beat the delivery person to your home.”

His glazed eyes tried to focus on me but I think he was so tired he failed to manage it. “You don’t have to do that, Dawn. I can take a bus.”

“I have to eat too. Take out here, take out there, doesn’t really matter.” I shrugged. “So, you head out to the rental car and if you remember your idea, text us.” He looked like he wanted to argue but I pointed to the door. Connor stood and went to the door.

“How are you getting him to obey?” Buffy asked.

“He likes women ordering him around based all evidence tonight and with various other Slayers,” Angel rolled his eyes at her.

“Hey.” Connor held up a hand, and then let it drop. “I’m too sleepy to engage with that.”

“Good.” I propelled him out the door.

Connor obediently climbed into the car and gave me direction to the restaurant, and then on to his home. I plopped everything onto plates while he sat on the couch and turned on the TV. He was nearly asleep when I came back with the plates and something to drink. We ate in near silence. I felt my earlier assessment about Connor not quite getting art was dead on as there was none in his living room other than a beautiful paperweight in blue swirls like a Van Gogh and next to it in its place of pride on the book case was a man’s Claddagh ring. I wondered who he had bought it for. Didn’t Faith have one once that she kept hidden? I remember Buffy going on about it once.

I took away the plate when he nearly dropped it. I nudged him. “Connor, you need to get some sleep. I’ll let myself out.”

“Gotta feed Moocher,” he said.

“Cat?” I asked since I’d not seen or heard a dog.

“A big black one. He’s usually not shy.” 

“Well, let’s feed him.”

I carried the plates in and rinsed them before I put them in the dishwasher. Moocher made an appearance and Connor wasn’t kidding. He owned a mini-panther. He fed his pet, and then I shooed him upstairs to bed.

“Get some sleep.”

“Always dicey. That’s where the dreams live.”

His tone broke my heart. “Hopefully tonight they’ll be good.”

With the promise of getting some sleep, he showed me to the door, and I headed home. Buffy was finishing her own take away when I got home.

“That was fast.”

“He was exhausted. Sorry for volunteering the house. I didn’t think anyone would mind.”

“It’s fine. We were going to go out for a quick patrol. I didn’t expect you’d want to come,” Buffy said.

I shook my head. “I’m tired myself from getting up so early. I think I’ll take a bath, read something for fun instead of those horribly dry tomes I’ve been working on all day and make an early night of it.”

“That sounds so good. Enjoy.” Buffy smiled.

“I plan to.” And I did, only I was having trouble excising Connor from my mind.

 

**Earlier The Same Day – Gunn**

I hated that Connor spotted us at the food truck thing. It was clumsy of me and Lilah, and of course the little bastard chased us. I was pretty sure I had given him and McDonald the slip, but it didn’t really matter. They knew where to find me and that sucked. It wasn’t that I was afraid of them. They were both officers of the law and as far as I could see, they took that seriously. I couldn’t see them trying to harm me. Lilah, being the undead, was a different story but that was her worry. If they told Angel, that might lead to trouble. Normally he wouldn’t cross that line, but he was insanely protective of his kid. If he thought I was a danger, well I’d better start wearing a holy water pistol under my jacket.

Feeling eyes on me, I glanced at the doorway. Lilah leaned against the frame. “You look pensive,” she said.

“I don’t like that we were spotted.”

Lilah wrinkled her nose. “That was unfortunate. I would have thought the crowds would keep us hidden.”

“Connor has great situational awareness. Now what?”

She shrugged, sashaying in to sit down in the chair in front of my desk. “Nothing changes. All they know is, at best, if we weren’t there for food, then it means we kept an eye on them. I’m sure Lindsey suspects Wolfram and Hart is always keeping him in their sights. Connor is outright paranoid. It would just go down to the fact they know they’re of interest to us and they got lucky enough to catch us at it. They have no way of knowing we’re trying to get them out of our hair for a while.”

“Ready to tell me what the hell we’re doing?”

“Think of it as an interdimensional arms deal.” Lilah inspected her nails, and I widened my eyes.

“What?” These are the kind of deals I hate. Innocent people could get hurt. “That sounds like we’re inviting hell right into L.A.” I might not have any family left but I did have friends. Gwen lived here too, and while we weren’t quite boyfriend-girlfriend, we did have a great open relationship. I didn’t want her in harm’s way but Gwen, being Gwen, had the resources to get the hell out of Dodge. I’d have to give her a head’s up once I got more deets from Lilah. 

“Don’t worry, the deal is no fighting on this plane but I’m sure there’ll be some collateral damage but no more than the average vampire pack. We’re providing passage from one hell to another for those who have colonialism on their mind, so to speak. Let them fight it out amongst themselves for a fee. We also have plenty of magical tools they can have for a price.” Lilah rolled her shoulders. “Honestly, I think the Senior Partners are a little bored and want to stir the pot.”

“My grandma used to tell me not to hit a beehive with a stick,” I replied, though I’d never been sure of why I would have done that even as a kid, nor did I ever remember seeing a hive in the city.

“Probably good advice but what can we do? Also, I need you to contact this fellow.” Lilah plucked a slip of paper from her inside jacket pocket. 

I glanced at it and made a face. “Dreama Loverso? Really?”

“Says a man named Gunn. She’s highly placed in among the followers of the Great Potentate of Ul-Thur.”

That name rung bell, but I couldn’t quite place it. Oh, hell, there it is. “Man, it’s been a while since I’ve heard that name. Aren’t they the ones who wanted to worship Connor?”

She chuckled. “The one and the same. I need you to tell Loverso where to find the miracle baby and that alone will be a distraction, and we don’t have to lift a finger.”

I nodded. I liked that idea with one exception. “Bringing a lot of vampires here could really up the body count.” I lost my family to vampires. I wasn’t easy with forcing another family to do the same.

“There are nearly a half dozen Slayers in the great metro area, give them something to do.”

“It still doesn’t sit easy.”

“Will it sit easier if they make lunch out of Angel’s brat?” She massaged her neck. I wondered if it hurt.

And would it make it easier? I’m not sure I wanted to see Connor hurt. I just didn’t want to have to deal with him. “Not really.”

My desk phone rang, and I answered. My chest tightened. “I have to run. They want me up in the White Room.”

After my quick visit upstairs, I called Loverso. Connor could handle himself.


	13. Connor & Angel

Chapter Thirteen – Connor

_I am flesh and I am bone_  
Rise up, ting ting, like glitter and gold  
I've got fire in my soul   
**Glitter and Gold- Barns Courtney**

I had wrapped up early. Technically, it was Nami and my day off, but we had gone into work to finish dealing with the case of the annihilated family and kick it to the D.A’s office. In return, Lindsey handed me a gift. I decided to pass it along in person.

Normally I’d avoid going to Dad’s home but hell I’ve been there more in the last few days than the six months before. I was almost feeling at home here, god help me. I couldn’t even be mad at Dawn for that, but it was entirely down to her presence. Dawn probably thought I was weird between what Buffy no doubt told her about me and me having that vision in the car when she drove me to the morgue. 

I think I covered the vision with the headache story but who knows? I saw what Dru meant about opening mouths. I swore I saw a gateway to Quor-Toth in the mix. The red sky torn by lightening reminded me of home. I told my vision to Wes at any rate, so I know the team was chewing it over. I doubted he included the bit about Quor-Toth though. I hoped we could stop whatever this was because opening a portal to back home was such a bad idea.

Buffy’s car was in the drive, and she answered the door. She still looked shocked to see me, but this time didn’t say anything. Bainsidhe nearly nailed me in the crotch in her enthusiasm to greet me. Her tail whipped Buffy’s legs.

“Hi, is Dawn here?”

“In the living room. Angel’s upstairs asleep.”

I waved her off. “This has nothing to do with Dru’s visions.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a relief or a disappointment.”

“I know what you mean.” I brushed past Bainsidhe and found Dawn in the living room. She sat on the couch reading a book big enough to crack skulls open. I sat down next to her, loosening my tie. 

“What’s up Connor?” She set the book on the coffee table.

“I didn’t want to just call and tell you,” I replied. “Lindsey took the case before the grand jury today, and they indicted Sean and Amanda for Maribel’s murder.”

“They did?” Her hands trembled. “You’re serious?”

I nodded. “It’s the first step but they’ll face first degree murder charges.”

“That’s good,” Buffy said at the same time Dawn broke down. 

She wept loudly, shaking all over. Dawn threw her arms around me and I held her, letting her cry herself out against my shoulder. After all these years, this had never gotten easier and I always felt ridiculously awkward trying to comfort people. It didn’t help that I had begun to feel like Dawn was a friend. I rubbed her back but said nothing. Buffy pushed onto the other end of the couch, putting her arms around Dawn. Her fingers grazed mine as we held Dawn caged in our arms. 

I heard Angel’s footsteps coming down the stairs. He must have heard Dawn’s cries. He lingered in the doorway. Finally, Dawn pushed away from me, sitting back against Buffy. She rubbed her eyes.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I got your shirt all wet.” She rubbed at the wet spot on my shoulder.

“Dawn, do you have any idea how many times someone has cried on this shirt?” I took her hand and Angel disappeared from view. “It’ll be fine.”

“What happens now?” Buffy asked.

“I wish I could say it will be over fast, but it won’t. I’ll let Lindsey talk to Dawn about what will happen in court because obviously there’ll be questions about all the work Dawn did on the case before she was able to get someone to listen to her. But it could take a few years before it goes to court, provided it does,” I replied as Angel returned with a box of tissues. He handed it to Dawn.

She smiled up at him. “Thanks. And what do you mean if it does.”

“They could just confess and take a guilty plea, and no one has to suffer through a trial, or they could opt for the Alford plea, which they claim they’re innocent but realize there’s so much evidence the jury would convict them.” I shrugged. “It might mean less jail time if they do that but that’s Lindsey’s worry. My part is over.”

“But you did it! You did more than anyone had,” Dawn protested.

“You did more, trust me. I’m just glad Iris was spot on with her vision of where Maribel was.”

“Even if they’re still teasing you?” Dawn tried to smile and almost managed it.

“And they are!”

“I’m glad you risked it. Thank you, Connor. Now Maribel and I can rest.” She sighed, and then put her arms around me again. She kissed my cheek. “This means more than you know.”

“I have a good idea.”

Dawn shook her head. “I have no idea how you do this all the time, telling people someone they loved is gone, telling them you solved the case.”

“No lie, it’s hard. Like I said, I’m used to being cried on, not to mention hit and screamed at. I hate that part of the job, we all do. Once they look past the suits and see the gold badges, they know we’re not there to talk to them about Jesus and what we are there for is bad, as bad as it’s going to get.” 

“I’m sure I couldn’t do it.”

“I didn’t think I could either, not at first. Sometimes I hear men telling their kids ‘boys don’t cry, be a man,’ and I think, you’ve never seen a homicide detective because trust me, we cry.” At this moment, seeing Dawn’s sorrow, tears pricked my own eyes.

“I think that is one of the biggest disservices we do to boys,” Angel said. “I heard that a lot from my father. I wouldn’t be surprised if Holtz told it to you.”

I shrugged. “Some but I mostly heard quit crying or-”

“I’ll give you something to cry about.” Angel made a face. “Heard that one a lot too.”

“What does that even mean?” Buffy stroked Dawn’s arm.

“That I was about to find out how much a leather belt hurt against a little bare ass,” I replied, and Angel nodded, his hair swinging. Dawn’s crying had awoken him, and he hadn’t bothered to brush it, I suppose. It was actually better this way, but I’d bet Buffy didn’t agree.

“Exactly.”

“Well, that’s horrible.” Dawn interlocked fingers with me. “And you, at least, Connor, have empathy for the people who lost someone. You know what it’s like.”

“Amber Rose,” I muttered.

“Oh, I was thinking of Cordy,” Dawn said, her face losing color.

I squeezed her hand. “Cordy too.”

“And Faith. Your heart has not had an easy time.” Dawn pulled free of Buffy’s embrace to give me another hug. 

“It has reasons to be like stone.”

She frowned at me. “Now that it’s over, can I take you and Lindsey out as a thank you?”

“It should be okay as far as the case is concerned. I’m not so sure about Wolfram and Hart knowing you’re in my orbit.” I’m not entirely sure why I worried about that so much, but I did. Maybe because all three of my dead lovers had crossed paths with them and they were for certain the cause of Cordelia’s death.

“I’m not that worried. I’m not sure if anyone has told you but I’m a pretty good mage in my own right,” Dawn protested. “Besides I have Angel and Buffy and I have _you_.” She tapped a finger against my chest. “Faith’s told me all about what you can do, not to mention all the other Slayers you’ve been with.”

“Now I’m afraid,”

“What do you mean by that, Dawn?” Buffy asked, and her sister eyed her.

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t think she does,” I said, feeling the heat creep up my cheeks. Angel shook his head no.

“Oh, sorry. I thought…well how could you not know?” Dawn asked.

“I don’t think the others talk to her about that sort of thing,” I said. “In spite of that time in a threesome, they think she’s sort of a prude.”

“What!” Buffy glowered at me. “What have you done?”

“Technically I mean Faith and the Slayers talked to me about Connor’s fighting prowess but they told me all about the _other_ stuff too! Until Spike took up with Mary Ellen, he and Connor were…how shall I say it, at the Slayers beck and call?” Dawn said, and Buffy’s heated look darkened further. 

“I can’t believe-”

“Think about Riley,” Angel interrupted, and Buffy’s demeanor changed. She glanced away.

“Okay, yeah I get it. They can’t really accidentally hurt Spike or Connor.”

“Exactly. I’m better off not in a relationship of any deep meaning. It’s gone bad every time,” I said, unable to keep the sadness out of my tone. “Faith had her own damage. She was never going to be easy with a traditional relationship. She wanted it open.”

“Can’t believe you’re like a Slayer Casanova.” Buffy wrinkled her nose, probably picturing it. I almost felt sorry for her. “I mean look at you!”

_Ouch_! “Better me than Spike. You have this one tied up.” I jerked a thumb at Angel. “I’m at least alive.”

“Souled vampires are a limited commodity,” Dawn said, brushing her hair back. “Could I take you out to a thank you dinner tonight?”

“You were coming with me to pick up Willow and Iris,” Buffy protested. “But if you’d rather go to dinner…” She raked her gaze over me and I felt the judgement. 

“No, that’s fine. Go pick up the ladies,” I said. “I already have some place I have to be tonight. In fact, I should get going if I don’t want to be late.”

“Thank you for not doing this on the phone. I appreciate it.” Dawn gave my cheek another kiss.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad I was able to get you this ending.” I stood up. “Don’t worry about dinner. There’s no rush and it doesn’t have to be anything fancy.”

“Where do you usually go?”

I shrugged. “Nowhere special. Half the time I’m at the bar you met me at. It has a nice Guinness stew and Wes likes the shepherd’s pie. Pick any place you like. I’m not picky and if you want Lindsey to come along, he’s pretty easy going about food too.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Tell Willow and Iris I said hi.” I started for the door, but Angel held up a hand.

“I know you have plans tonight but do you think you can get to Lorne’s soon?”

“I’ll try but I can’t promise. This week is going to be rough.” That was an understatement. Last night was probably the best night sleep I’d see this week. An emotional train wreck awaited me.

“Okay, whenever you can. I’m sure Wes filled you in on the other seer’s additions to Dru’s vision.”

“Yeah, it’s disturbing, I’ll get there, promise. I’m sure I’ll see you about this soon. Have a good evening.” I didn’t linger. They might have been able to talk me into staying or going to pick up Willow or otherwise override my desire to ignore my father. I’m not sure why I’m such an ass about things after so many years but even being here hurt. I don’t know why that is either but all I knew was I needed out. I’d put Dawn off for a few more days too. I’d be in no shape mentally for it. It was one of the reasons I was going out tonight. I’d need the love to make it through the rest of the week.

 

**Later That Same Day- Angel**

I was surprised by Willow and Iris’s request to go to the beach after we dropped their stuff off at the Hyperion. I would have thought they were too tired from the flight, but they didn’t seem to be. I spent more time concentrating on my driving and thoughts about how much Buffy appreciated how Connor took care of Dawn than I did in listening to them. I was proud of him. It felt good to have him around even though I knew it wouldn’t last. The ladies’ conversation flowed around me, but I didn’t really take in any of it. 

I concentrated on ways to prolong these good – if tense – days. I know it was selfish of me but what else could I do? I needed to pull Wes aside and see if he had any current insights. Maybe now was a good time to see if Connor and I could mend some small part of our relationship. That thought kept me going as we meandered along the boardwalk. There were a lot of people about enjoying the warm evening. 

I was surprised by how much was on offer to do on the boardwalk and how many families had their kids out still in spite of it being dark, but the real shock came when I smelled something on the briny breeze. I homed in on it, the ladies following in my walk more interested in talking than sightseeing.

When I found Connor, he was at a picnic bench outside an eatery with two kids. The boy was picking at a paper boat of fries, running them through bright yellow mustard. He kept eyeing a hot fudge sundae sitting in the middle of the table. The young girl next to him was already eating on her sundae.

“Connor,” I said, wondering if I should interrupt. These had to be his partner’s kids or, so I assumed since they were Asian. He whipped around nearly bowling the girl over. “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Oh, Angel. What are you doing here?”

“Willow and Iris wanted some beach time.” I swept a hand back toward them. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“I’m sure. Hello, Willow, Iris, how was your flight?” Connor asked, and then pointed at the boy who had pulled the melting sundae closer. “Kaito, no ice cream until you finish the fries.”

“But it’ll be a puddle then!” Kaito protested.

“Then you had better eat those fries.”

“I’m gonna tell Mom you’re being mean, Uncle Connor.” Kaito pouched out his lower lip.

Connor turned back to him and propped his chin up on a fist. “Just who do you think told me you had to finish dinner before you eat your ice cream?”

Kaito sighed loudly and mashed several fries into his mouth.

“Sensible bites, Kaito.” Connor twisted on the seat when Dawn laughed. He raised his eyebrows at her.

“You’re such a dad,” she said.

He snorted. “With as many as I’ve had in my life, I had to learn something about being a dad. Would you like to sit? I think most of you can fit.”

“Sure,” Willow said, sitting next to Kaito and Iris sat next to her. Dawn joined Connor with the little girl. Buffy and I stood though there were room enough for her on the table. 

“These are Nami’s kids, Kaito who still has six more fries to go and Suzume who’s being an owlicorn tonight,” Connor gestured to her unicorn head band and the owl on her t-shirt. 

“How creative,” Dawn said. “Are you babysitting?”

“Uncle Connor’s not babysitting. I’m old enough to take care of myself.” Kaito thumped his chest, and I almost laughed but the humor didn’t last. A terrible pain and longing lanced through me. This is what I had missed out on with Connor being in Quor-Toth at this age.

“You heard him.” Connor pushed him his sundae. “But yes I am. Nami and Kenji are down that way having a nice quiet drink, which I’ll need by the end of tonight. Kids, that’s my brother, Angel and his wife Buffy. Dawn’s her sister and Willow and Iris are our friends so let’s show them our best behavior.”

Suzume tugged at his sleeve and Connor leaned closer, listening to what she whispered in his ear. I could make out part of it over the sounds of the waves. He wrinkled his nose and looked between me and her. “Are you blind?”

She giggled. “No!”

“Then you’re crazy.”

“Uncle Connor!” She slapped his arm.

Buffy leaned in toward me, “Do you have a new admirer?”

“A blind crazy one so it doesn’t count,” Connor countered.

“I think Suzume is a lady of excellent taste,” I replied, and Connor rolled his eyes so hard I expected them to fall right out of his head. 

“Your brother is cuter than you,” Suzume said, beaming at me. Connor put his head down on the table, nearly taking out the empty sundae bowl in front of him. The ladies laughed. I barely restrained myself.

“You are very right, Suzume,” Buffy said.

Connor huffed, lifting his head. “Another blind crazy woman.”

“Uncle Connor, can your brother get me that?” Suzume stabbed a finger toward a stand selling cotton candy in a bag. 

“Ooo, yeah. I want some!” Kaito bounced on his seat.

“I’d have to be the crazy one to say yes to cotton candy on top of a sundae,” Connor replied, and I wondered what it tasted like. Cotton candy hadn’t existed back when I had normal taste buds.

“We can mix it into the sundae,” Suzume told him sagely.

“And do you know what your mother would do to me if I sent you back to her with that much sugar in you?”

“Kill you,” Kaito sing songed.

“Exactly so finish up your sundae and you, Suzume are tired. You should close your eyes once you’re done,” Connor said, and it struck me how right Dawn was. Connor was a natural dad. It hurt me thinking on how horribly his own chance at it had gone. He looked so good taking care of these kids even if they were obviously frustrating him. He was as open and unguarded as I’d ever seen him.

“Not tired!”

“Uh-huh, well finish your last two bites and prove it to me by closing your eyes.”

“She’s always sleepy at this time,” her brother said, and she stuck her tongue out at him. She reminded me of Kathy and another unexpected pain burst in my chest.

“So, do you guys have anything planned for tonight? I don’t want to keep you from it.”

“We’re just strolling and seeing the sights,” Willow replied. “Tomorrow we’ll dig into our little problem.”

“And Dawn said I was dead on with what I told her, if you forgive the bad word choice,” Iris said, ducking her head shyly. Her dark hair swung forward. Willow had met her in Greece, and I think we all liked her instantly. She was as accurate as the Oracle at Delphi, probably even more so.

“You were,” Connor replied as Suzume pushed her empty dish away. “Eyes closed for two minutes and prove you aren’t tired.”

The little girl huffed at him but obeyed. 

Her brother pointed to the dark waves. “We should go body surfing.”

“Too dark.” He nudged Kaito’s hand and turned to Iris. “And we wrapped up your lead and Dawn’s case best we could, Iris so thanks.”

“Very much thanks. Still seems surreal,” Dawn said.

“Uncle Connor, can we take everyone to Knottsberry Farm when we go?” Kaito asked.

He sat back, surprised. “Uh, I don’t know.”

“Especially your brother,” Suzume piped up, and I couldn’t hold in a snicker.

Connor glared at me. “Eyes closed also means it’s quiet time, young lady, and my brother likes the night.”

“It’s still open then,” Kaito countered.

“Why do you want them to come?”

“’Cause she’s pretty.” Kaito pointed to Willow who smiled at him.

“Yes, she is. At least you’re not blind like your sister.”

“You’re mean,” Suzume said, squirming on her seat so she could lean on him.

“Thank you. You’re sweet.” Willow ruffled Kaito’s hair.

“I suppose it _would_ be fun to see Angel scream worse than your sister on the Ghost Rider,” Connor said, nodding his head with a smarmy expression on his face.

I shot him the hairy eye. “I would not scream.”

“I think you might.” Buffy hip bumped me. So much for my wife’s unwavering support. With my luck I’d end up dragged onto whatever the Ghost Rider was. “We were going to take a nice long walk along the surf, Connor. We can wait awhile if you want to come with us.”

“If you want, sure. I just didn’t want to hold anyone up if you had an agenda for the evening. Nami and Kenji will be back soon and as for you, Kaito, it’s too far out from Knottsberry to say if anyone can come with us, and I’d have to ask your parents.”

Kaito shrugged. “Okay.”

“You take the kids to the park?” Buffy asked. “That seems so…odd to me.”

“They’re my god kids so I like to help out. Last year I took off two weeks of vacation time, so Nami and Kenji could celebrate their fifteenth wedding anniversary in Hawaii without the mini-mes.”

“And you survived, I’m impressed,” Buffy smirked. 

Hell, I was actually impressed.

“I can handle kids.” Connor slipped his arm around Suzume’s shoulders.

“Grandma helped.” Kaito grinned.

“Hush you, it was fine. I didn’t manage to kill you, did I?” Connor laughed.

“I think your little girl melted.” Dawn pointed to Suzume.

“Yeah but she wasn’t tired or anything.” Connor rolled his eyes, gathering her against his hip. “And I see Nami and Kenji heading our way. I’ll deliver them, and I’ll take a walk with you for a while if you don’t mind.”

“We waited for you,” I said.

He met my gaze holding it as if wondering if we had some ulterior motive for this. However, he said nothing. Connor stood, still holding the little girl with practiced ease. She remained sound asleep. He beckoned Kaito up and the boy got up. He followed Connor as he started down the boardwalk. All of us trailed after him. Nami and her husband picked up their pace, seeing us.

Connor handed Suzume over to the slight Asian man. “Here you go.”

“Were they good?” He asked.

“They were fine but Suzume isn’t tired.” Connor grinned as Nami eyed us suspiciously.

“Ms. Nyhammer, I’m surprised to see you here,” she said but directed it more to Connor as if she suspected there was something untoward about this.

“We ran into Connor by accident,” Dawn replied. “And thank you, Detective Asakura for helping bring the case to a close. I can’t tell you how much it means.”

“I’m glad we were able to help.”

“Your kids are lovely,” I said. “Connor was telling us about how he watched them while you were on vacation.”

“How did that come up?” Kenji asked.

“Kaito wants to invite this lot with us when I take them to Knottsberry next time.” Connor jerked his hand toward us. 

Nami raised her eyebrows. I had no doubt she knew Connor didn’t like me much. “That is…okay well I’m not sure they want to be looking out for you, young man, though Connor could probably use the reinforcements. I had to send my mom in last time to be sure he didn’t die. Connor’s not use to so much family time.” She laughed, and he shot her a sour look.

“No, I suppose he isn’t. My fault,” I said, and Connor gave me a strange look. “But I’m glad he has a place in your family.”

“No doubt, he’s family. Not many people would give up their vacation for someone else,” Kenji said. “Speaking of which, Connor, Mom expects you for Sunday dinner.”

“I’ll be there. I’m going to hang with them tonight.” He inclined his head to us. “You probably want to get the kids home anyhow.”

“Thanks for keeping an eye out.” Nami put her hand on his arm, her eyes still on me. I could imagine her saying ‘are you sure you want to be with them?’ but she said nothing. 

“No problem. Good night,” Connor said. 

They chorused their goodbyes. Connor waved at them before haring off to the cotton candy stand to get himself some.

“What happened to that’s too much sugar?” Dawn laughed.

“For _kids_. Nami would have hung me by my balls if I sent the kids back hyped up on that much sugar.” Connor laughed, brandishing his stick of cotton candy. “As for me, the only person who suffers if I eat all this sugar is me and any demon I come across when I can’t sleep because I’m hyped on carbs.” He held the pink ball of fluff to Dawn. “Want a piece?”

She took some and he offered it to the rest of the ladies who all plucked some of the fluff off. He looked at me and shook his head.

“Not you. You can’t taste it, can you?”

“Not really.” I waved him off. “Enjoy your sugar.”

“Oh, I will.”

Connor fell in line with the ladies as they sauntered up the beach. He’d gone quiet. He answered questions but didn’t otherwise engage. He’d gone somewhere in his head so quickly I couldn’t grasp it. Was he thinking about his adopted family? Had he rather had gone home with them? No, I was reading too much into it. He wanted to come with us. It was also simply he was having trouble getting a word in edgewise between Willow, Iris, Dawn and Buffy. He matched his steps to mine but didn’t say anything to me, but neither was he hostile, almost like an unruly pack member trying to quietly work his way back into everyone’s good graces. I didn’t care that no one was discussing the case. We all needed some time off. After an hour, Connor finally peeled off and headed home. Somehow, I felt like there was a corner being turned. I just hoped it wasn’t all in my imagination.


	14. Angel

Chapter Fourteen– Angel   
_Now you've become  
Everything you claimed to fight  
Through your need to feel you're right  
You're the savior of nothing now_  
 **Savior of Nothing – Disturbed**

I didn’t want to go to Lorne’s. I was plagued by the thought I was forgetting something. Maybe it was just that I didn’t want to sing again or maybe it was that Xander and Andrew tagged along with our group. Okay, to be fair, I’m fine with Xander. We’ve long since put aside our difference more or less. We weren’t antagonistic any more, too hard on everyone but when he as with Andrew they brought out the worst in all of us.

It didn’t help that I was in a strange mood after seeing Connor with his partner’s family. With them, he had all I’d ever wanted for him. I wish I knew why he hadn’t ever sought it out for himself since he obvious enjoyed the kids. I suppose it could have been the love he had for Faith. I never doubted he loved her. They would never have been the white picket fence and two point five kids type. I’d already know what he and Spike had been up to with the Slayers. If it made him happy, I saw no reason to say anything but still, I’d like him to be a father even knowing he’d probably never let me see the baby.

We were early as far as when Lorne started the karaoke. The club was only half full and Irish music greeted us at the door, a bit unusual for Lorne’s place. Whoever was singing, she had a pretty voice.

Buffy led our platoon through the club past the main bar. There were reserved tags on four stools surprising me. Two men sat next to them. Dawn stopped dead and Willow nearly plowed into her.

“Oh, Detective Bautista,” she said.

The younger of the two men swiveled on his seat. “Ms. Nyhammer, didn’t expect to see you here.”

“We’re friends with the owner. I just wanted to say thank you for helping Connor and Detective Asakura with my case.”

He smiled. His was a striking, disarming sort of smile. “You’re welcome.”

The older man took stock of Dawn. “So, you’re the one with the psychic case.”

Dawn flushed. “My psychic wasn’t wrong.”

The old cop snorted. “Damnedest thing.”

“My partner, Bob Lawson,” Bautista said.

“Nice to meet you,” Dawn replied as the bartender came over, an older woman. I wondered if this was the one Connor liked.

“Same here.”

“You made it,” Lorne swept toward us, ending all other conversation.

“Hi, Lorne,” Willow said, accepting a hug from him.

He hustled us away, deeper into the building.

“Who’s singing? I like it,” I said

“I let the Emerald Society practice here and entertain the early crowd if they have an upcoming show.”

“Emerald Society?” I asked.

“Irish cops.” Lorne gestured to the stage.

The singer was a tall redheaded young woman, but I was halted by the fiddler. I had no clue Connor could play the Irish fiddle and he was _good_ at it. I wondered if that was part of the spell I’d bargained for or if he had learned because he wanted to know more about his heritage.

“Ah, so that’s what he meant about music was his art,” Dawn said. “Look at those fingers fly.”

“Word of warning, he is in a _foul_ mood tonight.” Lorne scowled. “I’m surprised he’s here. Steer clear.”

“Thanks for the warning,” Buffy said wryly.

Lorne led us to the large table next to the stage. Connor noticed us I’m sure, but he barely glanced our way as he and the band left the stage. I watched them head to the reserved bar stools, and the bartender had shots and beer waiting for them.

“Dawn, later once the singing starts do you think you could gently prod Connor to sing if he doesn’t volunteer?” I asked.

Buffy side eyed me. “Why are you throwing my sister under the bus?”

“Because he behaves for her,” Wes said before I could.

Buffy and Dawn both scowled. Andrew bristled as if Wes had claimed Connor was head over heels for Dawn.

“It might be better if Dawn didn’t have a lot to do with him. Devlin is an unpleasant person,” Andrew said, still clinging to his affectation of using people’s surnames. I suppose I should be happy Connor hadn’t elected to use Holtz when he had Wes and the Watchers craft him an identity after the spell broke.

“I can make my own judgments about who to talk to.” Dawn glared at him. “I find Connor completely pleasant and comforting.”

“Which is why I asked you, Dawn. You have a good rapport with him. If I remind him – and he might not need reminding. He doesn’t want to see either vision come true – he’ll dig in his heels even though he knows it’s an inconvenience,” I said, thinking my son was the most inconvenient person alive when he puts his mind to it. “Did he have another night terror, Wes? He was in such a good mood last night.”

He shook his head, passing the drink menu to Willow and Iris. “If he did, he must have called Kate.”

I shrugged. It didn’t really matter at the end of the day why his mood flipped, only that it had, and I was back to walking on egg shells. “Is that the bartender he likes?” I pointed back at the bar.

“Karen,” Lorne said. “And yes, she is, though he doesn’t look happy to be sitting over there. I think it’s the company he’s keeping.”

“It’s the older detective. Connor said he was happy Detective Bautista was working with Nami on my case because that guy is one of those dinosaurs, anti-woman, anti-gay which Bautista is, anti- non-white people,” Dawn offered, glaring at the bar. “And he doesn’t like the Irish so it’s a mystery to me why he’s here with the Emerald Society and his partner.”

“Sounds pleasant.” Willow wrinkled her nose.

“So bad mood plus he’s with that dude?” Xander arched his eyebrows. “Glad he’s their problem.”

“Be nice,” Dawn scolded. “Though if he keeps tossing back whiskey like that, he might be everyone’s problem. Oh right, Wes said he can drink.”

“But he can get drunk. At least he’s not like Spike when drunk. No one needs that much maudlin.” Wes shuddered.

We ordered our own drinks and dinner while Lorne bopped around the club greeting people like long lost friends, even ones I doubted he’d ever seen before. Once upon my mortal days ago, I had that level of charm and friendliness. Even Angelus had it. Maybe Connor was more my son than he knew since we both had that prickliness going for us but as Xander said, Connor was his cop-buddies problem tonight. Could be he was drinking to work up the nerve to sing? I could only hope. I wish he didn’t pound it back so hard. Sloppy drunk would do none of us any good.

Once the karaoke started, Lorne mixed it up, people from around the club, some from our table, not me, not yet. I’d wait until absolute last since I doubted my reading tonight would do any better than it had the other night. Connor remained at the bar rail, he and his friends slowly making a pyramid of empty shot glasses. Damned if that didn’t put me in mind of myself in my mortal days. I liked it less seeing it than I did hearing about it.

A man in a plaid shirt walked past me with a guitar. He smirked down at me. It took me a second to realize it was Lindsey. He climbed on stage and slung the guitar around him before taking the mic. “I could use a little fiddling for this one.”

Connor turned around, making a face at him. He shook his head.

“Do you want to disappoint everyone?” Lindsey tossed down the gauntlet.

Connor tossed back another shot, picked up his violin and took the stage with him. I suspected Lindsey would pay for this later. He didn’t use a karaoke prompter, announcing he’d be singing George Strait’s _A Fire I Can’t Put Out_. As he sang and played – Connor meshing perfectly – it sank into my brain that they had done this before, and it was painful. I hadn’t felt this seeing him with Nami’s family, hearing that she considered Connor one of them. He spent all day most days with her. That made sense and I was glad he had that connection. His bond to Lindsey felt like a betrayal, and I had to set it aside because I was obsessing, making myself nuts. No wonder Buffy got tired of me and all this drama with me and Connor sometimes. The lyrics washed over me about a woman he couldn’t forget. I wondered if Lindsey had Darla in mind. I wondered if Connor knew.

“Seems a little over the top to bring your own instruments,” Andrew grumbled.

“When you’re that good, you showcase it,” I replied, taking a sip of the blood cocktail Lorne kept around for the few vampires who could behave themselves long enough to be here on the demon-only nights. He must have prepared it for me himself. I didn’t have to heart to tell him it wasn’t my thing.

Andrew huffed at me, but I ignored him, losing myself in Lindsey’s song. The man did have talent. Too bad for him he went the more reliable route of law than the risky one of heading to Nashville. He might have made it. 

I didn’t listen much to what Lorne was telling Lindsey once the song was over. It didn’t seem to pertain to anything we were worried about. Instead, I watched Connor put his violin away and nudged Dawn. I wanted her to stop him before he left the stage. I raised my hand to him, and he glared. Lorne was right about his mood. I’m shocked I didn’t spontaneously catch fire from the heat of his gaze.

Dawn read my mind and stood up. “Now would be a great time for you to sing, Connor. You’re already up on the stage.”

His jaw tightened. “This is not a good night for it.”

“You know you need to,” Buffy said, and that might have been a huge mistake judging by the expression on his face.

“Please,” Dawn added, heedless of the fact we were garnering attention from the other patrons.

“Might as well just do it,” Lindsey said. “Want to do something I can play to?”

Connor shook his head, his shoulders slumping, the Irish harp on his shirt sagging. “No, I know a good song for this since _no one_ wants to leave me alone tonight when they _really_ should.”

I almost stopped him, let him go back to the bar because there wasn’t just anger in his words. There was so much pain there too. But we needed him to do this and from the harshness in his eyes, I worried about what would happen next. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Detective Lawson watching Connor a bit too closely, and I wondered at it but only briefly. I had bigger concerns.

Connor gave the person running the karaoke machine for Lorne a title and stomped over to the mic. He sang – quite averagely, not as bad as me but he was definitely better off playing the fiddle – and the song was like a hot poker through the heart. _I don't need to feel love. I just wanna feel something._ I looked at the name on the screen, _Feel Something_ by Adam Lambert.

Now I knew the title of a song I hated instantly because of the sadness, because I was sure Connor actually felt this way. I wanted to fix it but, how could I? Buffy’s elbow found my ribs, startling me out of my misery. She inclined her head to Lorne and my eyes widened. He’d gone the color of mushy peas. What the hell could he possibly be seeing? I regretted forcing Connor up there.

When the song ended, Lorne stood shakily and said, “That was something else. I need a little more to get the full picture. What say you? Do we want to hear another song from the talented fiddler?”

Connor’s eyes bugged. “Please no.”

The crowd’s applause bolstered Lorne’s position. He shot Connor a look. I heard him sigh next to the microphone, but Connor nodded. He had to realize Lorne was twigging onto something. Connor gave them another song. He made eye contact with me, that look of anger and pain deepening. I was probably going to hate this even more.

_You made me tough, you made me numb_  
You are the maker of what I've become  
And now I am strong where I was weak  
And I am unafraid of being me  
So say hello to the monster that you made 

That was even worse than I thought it would be. Everyone at my table looked between me and my son. Dawn leaned closer and said softly, “Is this for you or Cordy?”

“Both I’d guess,” I grated out bitterly. It would hurt less if I hadn’t had a huge hand in making Connor into the little monster he could be when he set his mind to it. I tried to ignore the harsh lyrics, concentrating on Lorne but that didn’t help. He swayed in his seat, knuckles pale as he clung to the table.

This was another band I didn’t know but maybe I should if it gave me insights into Connor. As the Halestorm song ended, Connor quickly exited the stage and stopped at our table. His vicious expression morphed into one of deep concern seeing Lorne’s face.

“Was it _that_ bad?”

Lorne nodded, rubbing his head between his horns. “I’m sorry, blue eyes, it’s awful. Something dark as hell is heading your way. Something beyond the visions. I didn’t see any women or gates. All I saw was blood and darkness.”

“Do I die?” The calmness of his voice shocked me as if it didn’t bother him one way or the other.

Lorne shook his head. “I can’t tell but maybe.” 

“Okay then,” Connor replied, flabbergasting me.

“It’s not okay!” I growled. 

He looked straight through me. “Seers aren’t written in stone, more like smoke. And it makes sense. _You’re_ the one they want for their end of days, not me. Killing me would distract you for a few days.”

“More like forever,” Buffy said, the heat of her voice singeing us.

“My point,” Connor replied. “It would be the perfect distraction. They could do anything they wanted to Angel, and he’d never see it coming. If I thought leaving would do any good, I’d use up my vacation days, but you need me here if things go sideways.”

“No, we don’t. I have more than enough Slayers here,” Buffy countered, and he narrowed his eyes at her. 

I was too numb to intervene.

“Maybe you should sing one more song. It might help Lorne home in on it,” Willow suggested.

“I’d give it a try, but precognition isn’t my forte,” Iris added.

Connor’s face twisted. “I’m not singing again.”

“Why not? You seemed to enjoy taking potshots at Angel,” Andrew said. “Even I noticed.”

“Not everything is about him, you ass. And I’m not singing. I didn’t want to in the first place,” Connor snarled. “You all don’t even know what today is and that makes me furious!”

It hit me then, the thing I’d forgotten. “I know, Connor. But Faith liked her fun. She’d rather a party than a somber remembrance, don’t you think?” I said, knowing it could stoke the fire.

He gulped air, turning his face from me. “Why don’t I believe any of you remembered?”

No one said anything because we hadn’t remembered today was the third anniversary of Faith’s death, and in a night of feeling awful, I bottomed out. Before anyone of us could respond, his phone rang. The color left Connor’s face as he answered. 

“Oh, no, no,” he murmured. “I’m at The Phoenix, Nami. I didn’t drive because I was drinking.”

“Connor,” Bautista said, running up ignoring the evil looks from patrons he jostled in his run. “Did you get called in too?”

“Yeah, you and Lawson going?”

Bautista nodded. “He’s ripping that you and Nami are on point but yeah.”

“I’ll need a ride. Nami, I’ll come with Julio and Lawson. Be there. Julio tell Bob I’ll be ready in a minute. I have my gun in Lorne’s office but damn, I don’t want to go in a t-shirt. The pants are okay.”

“I have some things in my office that would fit.” Lorne stood up, putting a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “Everyone, I’m taking a quick break, and then we’ll be right back to the wonderful music.”

Connor went with Lorne without another word to us. I followed them to the office but stayed outside. Connor came out, tugging at his borrowed suit jack, which was a deep plum over an emerald shirt.

“Look like the goddamn Joker,” he bitched.

“You look dapper,” Lorne argued.

Connor rolled his eyes, stopping dead in front of me. “There’re so many victims they don’t even have an accurate count. I won’t be available probably for the next three days at best. You and the others will have to figure out how what Lorne saw fits in with everything. I won’t be around to help.”

“I wish you didn’t have to go. I know you’re hurting tonight,” I said but he didn’t give me the expected fight.

He simply nodded. “I am, and my head isn’t in this. I’m supposed to be off tonight but someone went on a killing spree at a sleepover so what can I do? Text me if you all have a breakthrough but don’t be surprised if I don’t answer immediately.”

“I get it. I’m sorry that this night is going to be so bad.”

Connor shrugged. “In a way it’s better than being alone with my thoughts tonight. I have to go. They’re waiting for me.”

“I know. Be careful, Connor. It’s not a mere distraction to me if something happened to you,” I put a hand on his arm.

“I know.” 

With that he turned and left. I did the only thing I could. I went and collected everyone, and we went home to put our heads together. We went to the Hyperion rather than my home. There was more room there. Lorne, of course, had to stay behind but he handed me a few more kernels of what he saw that left me shaken. He saw me in tears, and he saw Buffy and Dawn ripped away from us in the confusion. 

It left me convinced Connor was going to die and Buffy and Dawn would be taken through a portal. That would be beyond distracting. It would shatter me, and Wolfram and Hart could do whatever they wanted with me. I was strong, but I had limits. The others tried to talk me out of this belief, but I wasn’t budging. Hell, I wanted to send them all somewhere far from here, somewhere like rural New Zealand or something. That might be far enough out of the action.

As the night wore on, we gave up mulling the visions over and did turn our thoughts to Faith, who we shouldn’t have forgotten in the first place. If there was one good thing I could say about Andrew, it was his desire to document things with video and pictures. We watched a lot of the digital remains of Faith, drank some. They ate popcorn and fried cheese. I worried. 

We were all surprised when someone appeared in the meeting room doorway – well probably not Wes as Connor came in and said, “I got your text.”

I jumped up. “I didn’t think you’d be here for days.”

He stopped, staring at the TV and the video of Faith. I gestured for them to stop it but maybe no one knew what I wanted. “I’m not back for whatever this is.”

“A remembrance of Faith by her _friends_ ,” Andrew replied, unable to keep the jealousy out of his voice. Or maybe I misread that because I’m not sure he was aware of what Faith meant to Connor.

Connor curled his lip at him and then turned to Buffy. “I need help, Buffy.”

She blinked, standing up. “What’s wrong?”

“Thirteen dead at a slumber party.” Connor pulled out his phone and showed her pictures. I looked over their shoulders and saw a bunch of young teens dead with bitten out throats.

“Vampires,” Buffy hissed.

“That’s my guess. God, I hate it when my worlds collide. We’ll never clear this case, and Nami and the others will always be wondering why,” he spat as Willow did something with the video feed to the TV.

“You think they’re going to rise,” I said.

“All of them, see all the blood over their faces. I’ve not seen vampires kill and leave this many. Could be distraction step one. Even if it’s not, I can’t monitor this many corpses to be sure they don’t rise. I’ll need help.”

“Of course,” Buffy said. “I’ll get everyone on it.”

“But it won’t be easy. They’ll be in the morgue and there’s CCTV everywhere,” he reminded her.

“That’s going to be a problem,” she replied. “Anyone know a spell to get past that?”

“We’ll work on it,” Wes replied.

“I need to get back. I have Nami’s car. I didn’t want to leave the scene but I didn’t want anyone overhearing me talking about this. Thought it best to run over and tell you in person,” Connor said. “This isn’t going to be easy.”

“It might be harder than you know,” I said. “It’s not normal to try and turn this many. It wasn’t one vampire at play. It wouldn’t be safe to donate that much blood to do something like this. And we don’t normally run in packs. What would they want these many fledglings for?”

Connor made a face. “I’ll leave that to you to figure out, Angel. You’d know better than any of us. But there have been cases of them gathering in numbers.”

“Yes, the Order of Aurelius that I’m descended from often met up in large groups, but I always thought they were idiots living underground in caves.” I shrugged. “I had as little to do with them as possible.”

“There was the big pyramid scheme-cult thing Harmony got wrapped up in,” Wes added.

“And those cult members following the Great Potentate of Ul-Thur.” I rubbed a hand over my head. My hair was getting too long. Buffy liked it like this but I was less thrilled. I’d have to discuss it with her as I didn’t want to disappoint her.

“The ones who wanted me? You know….”

“Yeah that’s something to look into.” I nodded. “They could be a hell of a distraction if they’re coming to claim their miracle.”

“I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, you wacky vampires,” Xander said.

Connor snorted. “They’re that. All right, I’ll leave you to this. Thank you for doing something for Faith.”

“Of course. We were her friends,” Andrew sniffed. “Though I wish I knew where her ashes went. It should have been we Watchers who handled that.”

“They were handled as she wished,” Connor replied, his voice hardening.

“And how would you know?”

Connor clenched his fists, and I hoped that we wouldn’t have to pull them apart. I doubted I’d help. 

“Connor,” Willow said distracting him. “I know you don’t have time right now, but I think I have something you might like to see. I can bring up just a bit of it.”

He glanced at her sharply and oddly began to unbutton the top two buttons of his borrowed shirt. “Maybe, I have a moment.”

“I’ll load it.”

Connor undid something around his neck and pulled it out from under his shirt. He took it off and held it up. It was metallic, a pendant of some sort and I swore that was a Claddagh ring and in the center of the ring was a red gem. “Faith is right here, Andrew, right where she wanted to be. With me. _Always_!”

“I don’t understand,” Buffy said.

I reached up to take the pendant from him, and he jerked it away.

“Do you always have to be like that,” Buffy snapped.

Connor’s shoulders slumped, defeated more than anger. “It’s my Saint Michael the Archangel medallion. He’s the patron saint of cops, and it’s blessed. I wasn’t sure if it would burn Angel or not.”

I dropped my hand and Buffy looked abashed. “It probably would have. Thanks.”

“The ruby was created from Faith’s ashes. She asked me to spread them three places and do what I wanted with the rest.” Connor let Buffy take his necklace. “She wanted to have some placed wherever she fell in battle, in Boston in spite of her bad beginnings there and in Galway because your support meant that much to her, Dad.”

With that honorific, his guard came down and I knew it.

“And the rest is at my house, that glass paperweight you admired, Dawn.”

“Your Claddagh is there with it,” she said. “Now I understand.”

“Were you actually married?” Buffy asked.

“How could we be? A murderer and a homicide detective?” he said, bitter as spoilt wine. “So, don’t tell me about who were her friends. No one knows better than me what she felt about everyone. And even though I have to bear the pain of her loss I’m not pretending I’m the only one who feels it. Now I do have to go. Willow, what did you want me to see?”

“Just this but maybe…I don’t know if it will upset you or not.”

“Really, could I be more upset with this day?”

“Okay then.” Willow hit play and I recognized the inside of the Phoenix. Willow was on the recording replying to Faith’s ‘Bet he cries’ with a ‘No bet, Faith. It’s Connor, of course he’ll cry.”

“Oh nice,” Connor grumbled. “I know what this is.”

Faith took the stage and said, “He didn’t know what I had planned but I think he’ll like this. If someone had told me I’d spend ten years with one man, even in our strange way, I’d have laughed but here we are, ten years out this month. I’m looking forward to the next decade, babe.”

She launched into a song I’d never heard about being beautiful with someone. I saw the name Halestorm on the monitor. This one I’d want to hear more of. Connor, on the other hand, put his pendant back on and under his shirt and headed for the door just as Willow panned over to him crying at the club. She stopped the recording.

“Sorry if it was too much,” she said.

He shook his head. “It’s fine. I’m glad to see it but I have to go. They’re not nearly done laughing at my outfit,” he struggled to joke. “Willow, could you send that to me?”

“Of course.”

“Text me if you have any ideas of how to handle this situation.” Connor sucked in a deep breath. “Better get back to help them deal with all the families.”

With that he slipped outside. I went to the door, looking out, surprised to have Dawn at my side. Connor got in the car, slumped over the steering wheel and burst into tears. Dawn moved to open the door, but I stopped her.

“Leave him alone with his grief,” I said, hoping it was the right thing to do. Maybe he’d want comforted but within a few minutes he pulled away and it was too late to change my mind. I didn’t want to go back to the remembrance or think about the dead sleep over teens or Dru’s visions or Lorne’s for that matter. I stayed because it was expected but my heart and mind had already gone.


	15. Dawn

Chapter Fifteen– Dawn

_You're the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy_  
The invincible winner, you know that you were born to be   
**Heartbreaker – Pat Benatar**

 

It had been a rough few days. Chris was not talking to me, which is fine. I couldn’t deal with my divorce at the moment. Angel was an absolute bear because he worried about Connor whom none of us had seen since that night at the Hyperion. Even going in and preventing the murdered slumber party from rising hadn’t gone right because someone had stolen all the corpses and as of today no one had found them. It didn’t matter because we were past the deadline to keep them from rising. All the local Slayers were on the look out and Buffy had gone patrolling longer the last two nights than she has in a while.

I felt relatively useless. Wes, Willow, Iris and I had gone through so many tomes in so many languages, my brain mushed about twenty-four hours ago. Finally, I had enough and decided to reach out to Connor. I ached for his pain the night of Faith’s celebration of life. I hadn’t wanted to disturb him knowing he had a case he couldn’t solve but had to try anyhow. I texted him about dinner whenever he felt up to it. Shockingly he was happy to go out tonight. He probably wanted a break too. I told Buffy I was going to talk to Connor about the case now that it was going to court, didn’t know how long it would take.

I was more surprised by his choice of restaurant. I didn’t expect to be sitting in El Cholo’s eating Mexican, but it was fantastic. Connor had been quiet at first as we picked at nachos and drank margaritas; well I drank them, he sipped water.

“Why here?” I asked.

He glanced around the iconic restaurant, taking in the ambiance. “It’s been around since the twenties. I like the history. And it’s reasonably priced and tasty, but you know you really didn’t have to take me to dinner.”

He seemed almost concerned about that. How sweet. “I know but I still wanted to. And right now, I think you need someone around. You’re having a rough time.”

Connor’s gaze shifted away from mine. “Not as rough as you, and if there is going to be a big darkness coming for me, maybe you don’t want to be between me and it.” The muscles in his cheek jumped and tightened.

I scrutinized him and decided it was genuine concern and not some kind of patriarchal bullshit in play. “Living the lives, we do, we’re always in the way of the darkness.”

He shrugged. “Fair point.”

Connor let it go, and I turned the topic to the Emerald Society and his music. I wanted to get him to open up about something other than our work. I was beginning to think there wasn’t anything Connor didn’t feel conflicted about. He seemed to love his music but hated that it was embedded in his brain instead of being learned and earned. I commiserated because I had plenty of those moments in my life too. The food came, and it was good. I learned he, and his music-making friends, had an Irish festival they wanted to play in Portland. He invited me to sit in on one of their practices. 

At the end of dinner, I asked if he would mind if I came to his home for a while, that I didn’t want to be sitting around Buffy’s home with nothing to do and hoping my sister and Angel were out since they were in bad moods. Truthfully, I had plans for tonight that had been formulating all through dinner, longer really if I was honest about it. I had wondered about it for years based off Faith’s stories. It was wrong. I shouldn’t be thinking it, but I couldn’t escape it.

He seemed happy to have the company. I followed him home. We fed his cat and he poured us drinks, stout for him, a sweet wine for me. I wonder who he kept it for; Kate maybe. I roamed the downstairs of his place, nosy to a point. It wasn’t as if I was yanking open doors and rummaging through. One of Chris’s friends was like that. It was horribly violating. Only one door was closed anyhow. I put my hand on the knob, a crystal one, antique. I wondered if he had done this or had it come with the house. 

“Don’t go in there,” he said, from the mouth of the hallway. He had a glass in one hand, a bottle in the other.

“Sorry.” I looked between him and the door.

“I use the den to hash out cold cases with Nami or Kate. Lots of crime scene photos. You’d probably not want to see those,” he explained.

“Ah, you’re right.” I took the glass from him and retired to the living room. “Doesn’t it bother you to have that here? I guess it wouldn’t given what you do.”

He wrinkled his nose, the lines around those gorgeous eyes of his crinkling a bit. Where in the name of god did he get such blue eyes? “It does bother me some but having unsolved cases on my plate bothers me more. I’m lucky in one respect. I can count on one hand how many of my cases are actually supernatural. I’ll never solve those, and I wish I could be honest with Nami about it, but I can’t.”

“That would be hard.”

“Yes, but you didn’t come here to talk depressing things,” Connor said, sitting on the couch with me. “I’m not entirely sure why you wanted to hang out with me. You can tell the others don’t exactly rush to do it.”

“Which is why I wanted to. Besides, Wes does, Lindsey too,” I countered.

He took a swallow of his beer. “True.”

“And you’ve been kind to me. Why wouldn’t I want to come?”

He smiled and damn if his eyes weren’t beautiful when they lit up. “I’m happy to have to company because it’s been rough, and I’d like to forget it.”

“If someone might be out to kill me, I’d want to forget too. Hell, I want to throw this past week in the lake myself. Tell me about something good.”

“I’ve already told you about the music festival.”

“Tell me about Knottsberry farm and the kids. You’re very good with them. I’m surprised you didn’t have any of your own,” I said, instantly regretting it. Wine and margarita didn’t mix well. “But then I remember what happened with Cordelia and what you actually are and realize you’re in my situation.”

“The not quite human and who knows what will happen if we procreate situation,” he said, bitter as the limes we had squirted on our food tonight.

“That’s the one,” I laughed, trying to lighten the mood. I settled back listening to him talk about his god children with obvious pride and from here launched into his desire to go – sans children – to Disney’s Star Wars attraction and realized what he might have in common with Xander. Seeing that attraction sounded like fun and I told him so.

After that, I kissed him, thoroughly surprising him given how fast he pulled back. I cupped his cheek with one hand and kissed him again soft and quick. Connor gently pushed me back.

“Dawn…”

“Shh.”

“You’re married,” he said softly. “I don’t-”

“I’m getting divorced, and I can show you a few dozen texts to that end if you need evidence,” I broke in. “I’m not looking for anything more than tonight, and I’m almost embarrassed to admit that, like I’m using you.”

“And you know it’s my usual modus operandi.” His voice held a note of sadness that nearly undid me. Maybe this was entirely wrong.

“I’m not asking for what you give to the Slayers. I’m not sure I’d survive the whole of that, but I need to feel wanted.” I brushed my lips over his, and he slipped his arms around me.

“I can’t imagine you not being wanted,” he whispered.

Tears pricked my eyes, but I didn’t let them fall. Instead I peppered kisses over his mouth and neck. He stood, taking me with him. Kissing him again, I undid the buttons to his shirt, slipping it off him. I stepped back shimmying out of my sundress but then reality hit me. My hands shook hard. I didn’t think this entirely through. Connor’s ever-intense gaze penetrated me. It had been years since anyone new had seen my scars. The ones on my arms with pale now and I often hid them with bracelets. 

The ones on my thighs had been from me cutting deeper, standing out more. The worst of them I had turned into the stem of a rose tattoo, complete with its own semi-colon and all that denoted. I hadn’t told Connor I had the scars. I had no idea if anyone else had ever spoken to him about my depressive episodes as a teen. I’d seen his own semi-colon tattoo, so I knew he’d understand that much. Still, the scars made me ugly. I knew it wasn’t true but escaping that feeling proved difficult.

He didn’t have to say ‘let’s go upstairs.’ I followed him to his spartan bedroom and nearly stopped dead seeing the pictures of those who meant something to him. Nami and the kids, Cordelia, Faith and a redhead I didn’t know. I wondered if she was Amber Rose, but I didn’t want to think about that right now. It would destroy the delicate mood.

I slipped my panties off. To my surprise, Connor lifted my scarred wrist to his lips, feathering kisses over the faint lines. My nipples tightened and the rest of me went to salt and water. I gathered him against my chest, letting him kiss his way down to my damaged thighs. His silent soft acceptance of my imperfections took me someplace unexpected. I wanted him for the promised fire I had heard so much about. I wanted to be burned up like the phoenix. I didn’t want to feel a tug at the heart strings. 

Maybe I’m reading too much into it. Maybe this was the wonderful foreplay Faith had always gone on about, shocking me that she even enjoyed it. She liked getting down and dirty, but this was wonderful. I let him lead.

He sat back, those beautiful blue eyes fixed on me. “Dawn?”

I ran my fingers through his fine hair. “Connor, burn me down,” I whispered, my voice husky.

He smiled and obeyed.


	16. Connor & Dawn

Chapter Sixteen– Connor

_I've created my own personal hell_  
Come inside with me and you can be mine as well  
This affliction will blacken your heart  
I keep believing as it's tearing my soul apart   
**Stronger On Your Own – Disturbed**

 

I opened my front door, stepping out on the stoop as I rubbed my eyes blearily. Someone had better have a damn good reason for laying on the doorbell so late at night. I shook my head, trying to awake up more. Thank God I had put on pants. I was not up to facing Buffy and Dad in my boxers at midnight. And as much as I’d love to skip over what in the hell they were doing here pestering me so late, I knew I was about to find out. Buffy nearly vibrated she was so angry. What did I do now? Hell, did _she_ have a bug in my apartment because that could explain the rage I saw on her face. Angel looked everywhere but directly at me. Of course, he knew exactly what was going on. I hadn’t had time to shower. 

“What is wrong?” I tried to sound like I was worried rather than annoyed as hell.

“What did you do with Dawn?” Buffy marched right up into my space.

I didn’t back away. Over her shoulder, Angel shot me an apologetic look. He wanted to be here about as much as I did, namely not at all. “What are you talking about?”

“You have to know where Dawn is. She went to meet you. She hasn’t come back,” Buffy snarled as if she expected me to have Dawn cut up and hid under my floorboards.

“And what? You think I arrested her and charged her along with Sean and his wife?” I asked, trying to figure out how to get her the hell out of here without telling her the truth. Since Angel hadn’t been able to stop her, I doubt I had much of a prayer but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to try or end up doing the opposite and rile her right the hell up. “Or scared her so bad by just being me she flew back to New York?”

Buffy curled her lip at me before shouting, “I should have known you’d be a wise ass.”

I sighed, stepping back into the house. “Come in if you’re going to insist on screaming. I don’t want my neighbors calling the cops. It’ll be embarrassing, and I have no idea where your sister is. She’s an adult, Buffy. Maybe she’s out at a bar or doing something fun.”

“Without telling me?” She followed me in as if I was a vampire she needed to handle. Dad ghosted in behind her. Hell, I wasn’t even thinking. The general invite allowed him in. Oh well, it’s not like it mattered. I never had him here before, but I didn’t expect him to abuse the privilege. He kept busy ignoring me as he studied my home. He was wise to distance himself from this ongoing nightmare; only I wasn’t going to wake up from this one.

“Look, maybe she got caught up in something and forgot. I’m sure you called her,” I said knowing damn well Dawn’s phone was off.

She tried to back me up against the wall but I wasn’t moving for her. “I’m not an idiot. So, what the hell did you do to Dawn after she met with you to make her not come home?”

“She met me at El Cholo’s for dinner. Maybe Dawn went out to celebrate after. Doesn’t she have that artist friend here in town? Have you gone over to bother her too?” I snapped as Angel drifted over to check out the living room book case. I expected him to take off any second because that was the smart thing to do when a Slayer and the Destroyer might end up going toe to toe.

“Why are you always such a dick about everything?” Buffy narrowed her eyes at me.

Suddenly nerves reared their ugly head. She was actually considering hitting me. I could see it in her eyes. Something else, that same something that had been brewing for many months – maybe even years - now, was behind the rage. What the hell could it be? The snap in her voice brought Angel back over to her.

He took her arm. “Buffy, we should go. He said he didn’t know where she was.”

She jerked away and stabbed a finger into his chest. “Why do you always defend him, Angel? It’s not going to make him like you, and he’s lying. I know he is, and he damn well needs to tell me what he did to make Dawn take off.”

“Buffy, let it go,” Dawn said, jogging down the steps in one of my shirts that barely made it to her thighs. “Connor didn’t make me take off.”

Buffy’s eyes bulged, and she clenched her jaw. Angel pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Okay, technically I _do_ know where Dawn is,” I muttered, wishing she had stayed upstairs. Maybe I should just step aside and let them hash it out, but I wasn’t going to get so lucky. I never did.

Buffy turned her furious gaze on me. “What do you think you’re doing you little-”

“Hey.” I jabbed a finger at her. “Don’t insult me in my own home. You’re the one who came into it yelling at me. Why do you think Angel was trying to get you out of here?”

She whirled on him. “You knew?”

“Not until we got here,” Angel replied, his own unhappiness palpable.

“And it’s really none of your business. I’m sorry I forgot to text you I’d be out all night,” Dawn said, coming closer. 

“I…the fact he doesn’t mess around with marriage women is one of the good things about him.” Buffy’s shoulders slumped.

“You have no idea how hard it was to convince him otherwise,” Dawn replied, and Buffy looked defeated.

Maybe I’d get lucky after all. Dawn could handle her sister better than I could. Maybe Buffy would go, and Dawn and I could go up and have some more fun. Just as I had thoughts of being lucky, my damn phone rang. I fished it out of my pocket. “Devlin here,” I said, recognizing the ringtone as work. And just when I thought I’d hit rock bottom, I found a new level of down. “I’ll be there.”

“Are you kidding me?” Dawn sighed.

“Sorry, humans just like killing each other, I swear. We have a homicide in a park. Angel, take Buffy home please. Dawn, you can stay here if you want or lock up if you want to go. You’ll find a spare key in my murder room next to the computer just don’t look at the walls.”

“I’ll go. Um, where did I leave my dress?” Dawn flushed.

I pointed to the couch, and she raced to collect it. I jogged up the stairs, pulled on a suit and ran back down to get my gun and gold badge out of the safe. Dawn had redressed of course by the time I got back down there but she hadn’t left nor had Dad and Buffy. As I slipped my gun holster on, I said, “Seriously, you two can’t stay, and neither can I.”

“Sorry, I was just looking around. You’ve never invited me in before. I was curious and also trying to be invisible to them.” Angel swept a hand toward the women both of whom glared at him.

“You’ll have to come for the tour another time provided your wife hasn’t made me L.A.’s next murder victim,” I replied, and his eyes bugged. What the hell was I doing inviting him back? Sex apparently made me stupid or at least soft hearted. Damn, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to go back upstairs with Dawn but on the other hand, I’d rather be standing over a dead body in the park than go home with Buffy at this moment. “So, if you all don’t mind….”

“We’re going but I wish you didn’t have to.” Dawn tossed her arms around me, pulling me into a kiss. “I want to stay.”

I leaned against her, feeling her softness and warm against my chest. “I’d love that, but this is how my life goes.”

“She won’t need to worry about it,” Buffy replied.

I said nothing, but pain blossomed deep inside me. I had no idea things between me and Buffy were this bad. Some detective I was. Dawn shot her a withering look. 

“Ignore her, Connor and when you get a chance, come see me.” Dawn brushed my hair back off my face. “I know it won’t be tonight or even tomorrow probably.”

“I will. Good night, Dawn.” I chivvied them toward the door, glancing at Buffy. “But yours might be as tense as mine.”

“Ass,” Buffy snapped but headed down the stairs and off to their car. Angel shrugged and followed sheepishly.

“I can handle my sister.”

“I have no doubt.” 

I waited for her to drive off before I got into my car and went to the latest crime scene.

 

**Later That Night – Dawn**

I wanted to go up to bed as soon as I got home but I knew Buffy was going to want to have this out. I might as well just get it out of the way and hope not to completely loose the good feeling I had up until she showed up. It was hard to be completely furious with her. I know she was protective of me, but she needed to trust me. I sat on the couch still a little noodle-limbed from earlier in the evening. “I’m not sorry, Buffy.”

“I’m just trying to wrap my head around why.” She plopped down across from me.

“Because I needed tonight.” I stretched my arms over my head. “I wanted to see if Faith was right about him in bed.”

Buffy widened her eyes, obviously not expecting that. “And was she?”

“Like touching fire but I can’t talk about this with Angel standing there.” I nodded to where he stood hovering in the doorway. An abashed expression flashed over his broad face.

“I’m going back out. I should check with Clem and some of the other demon hangouts,” he said and wheeled around, exiting like he was on fire.

“Guess I can’t blame him.” Buffy sighed. “And I know it’s not my business Dawn, but I worry.”

“I should have texted you that I’d be out late but you’re right, it’s my choice.”

“But Connor?” Buffy’s brow beetled. “Really?”

“He’s not a bad guy, Buffy. I know he’s a jerk to Angel. But he’s nice to me and he cares about people. He couldn’t do that job if he didn’t. He made me the center of his world tonight, didn’t flinch at my scars, made me feel beautiful and special.” I rubbed at the scar on my thigh through the fabric of my dress, remembering the heat of his kisses over my twisted flesh, his silent acceptance of all of me.

“And he can be violent, and you know it.”

I balled up my fingers, trying not to let her bait me. “To demons, yes, not to humans and you know _that_. You saw how he was when he told me about the grand jury. He cares and he’s out there in the dark right now, doing something very sad. It sucks that he’ll come home to an empty house.”

I pressed my fingers to my lips, wondering where all that came from. Buffy shot me a quizzical look, so I added, “I’m not saying I’m looking for anything more than hot sex. It was something I needed, and I’m a little sorry I used him for because that’s what all the Slayers do too. Do any of them think to stay for more than the night? Maybe he doesn’t want it. He obviously loved Faith. Might not be ready for anything more and I’m not either but it is sad to always be alone.”

“He chose that for himself.” The muscles along Buffy’s jaw jumped.

“Did he? He isolated himself from Angel, sure, but from everyone? I don’t know, and I don’t want to fight about it. I can see you’ve been angry with him long before tonight. I don’t need to know why tonight, but maybe it’s something that needs dealt with.”

I heard her teeth grind. “You don’t know all the things he’s done, Dawn.”

“Maybe not but whatever it is, it doesn’t change tonight. I’m tired. I’m annoyed I’m here and not there. Even if he would have had to leave, I could have stayed but this night went south fast. So, can we be done?”

Buffy nodded and unfurled from the chair. She started to walk away, stopped and turned back to me. “Did he make you happy?”

“He was exactly what I needed tonight so yes. I thought I’d feel guiltier about cheating on Chris, but I don’t. I guess that’s all I need to know it’s really over.”

“I’m sorry, Dawn, about all of it. About you and Chris, about ruining tonight. You’re right. You’re an adult and can do whatever you want.” Buffy shut her eyes. “Sometimes, I forget this isn’t Sunnydale and we’re not teens anymore. It doesn’t seem like it could be so long ago.”

“I know. I remember wanting to be older, to be taken seriously. Now I feel like someone handed me a rocket and I’m blasting through my life.”

She smiled softly. “I remember Giles saying something like that. He was right.” Buffy swayed on her feet slightly, cluing me in that she was more tired than I thought. “I feel out of control some days and I struggle to gain some of that back. Me, Willow and Xander, we’re getting older. Angel and Spike never will. You may never. I feel like my life’s half over and in a few years will Angel want to be with me? Will he have to pretend I’m his mother to stay at my side? No Slayer has ever been so old.”

No, they hadn’t nor had we seen any so infirm, like Dascha and her missing arm. No one said it, no one wanted to think it but badly damaged Slayers were probably put down so another could take her place. I hadn’t thought much about why they hadn’t killed Faith back when Buffy was dead. When I was older Giles finally told me that the Council had been planning it, had tried to get a few of the inmates to do it but what good were they against Faith? I went over and hugged Buffy because she so very much needed it. “Aging is scary.” So was not aging but that was a burden I could bear alone or with Spike and Angel, maybe even Connor. 

Buffy nodded, patting my back. “It does. But do be careful with him, Dawn. With you he seems different but that’s not what he usually is.”

“I’m always careful. Trust me.”

“I do.” Her eyes hardened. “It’s him I don’t trust.”

I scowled. “You’re going to have to tell me why because everyone else does, but not tonight because I’m too tired for all this.”

She looked like she wanted to protest or maybe break down and tell me. Buffy shook her head, chasing whatever those thoughts were away. “Good night, Dawn.”

“Good night.”

I went upstairs, second guessing myself. I should have found out more about why she didn’t trust someone she had spent two decades fighting next to. But I was tired. I wanted to put the ugly out of mind and get some sleep. Too bad it wasn’t as easy as that.


	17. Connor

Chapter Seventeen – Connor

_One day I’ll face the Hell inside me_  
Someday I’ll accept what I have done  
Sometime I’ll leave the past behind me  
For now I accept who I’ve become   
**I Apologize – Five Finger Death Punch**

Night had barely fallen, and I had been on my way to Angel’s house. I didn’t want to go there, but I didn’t want Dawn to feel torn between me and her sister. Hell, I knew what we had was what I always had: no-strings sex. She wasn’t looking for more, me either. I knew Buffy was pissed and was probably holding onto that. I hadn’t even managed to get to the car when I got called back in to work. Something horrible had happened that made the slumber party case even more difficult than it had been. We worked through the night and into the next day with no chance of seeing how Dawn had fared after having to go home with irate Buffy.

I dragged to their place the day after. I’d had a few hours sleep, probably not enough to deal with whatever was coming next. I should just keep away entirely, have Dawn come to me but that was so cowardly I couldn’t do it. I leaned against the door frame as I waited for someone to answer the bell. If I shut my eyes, it was possible I could sleep on my feet. Too many cases, too little rest. I studied the street. Wes’s car was here and in the drive was one I didn’t know but was a rental so probably Willow’s. Dawn’s rental was here but I expected that. Neither Xander’s nor Andrew’s vehicle was around.

I lucked out. Angel answered. His lips pulled into a thin line. “You look terrible, son.”

“Good, hate to think I look better than I feel. Can I come in or is she still after my head because I really need to talk to her?”

He stepped back. “She’s with Dawn, Wes and Willow putting their heads together. Spike, Dru and Mary Ellen will be in New York tomorrow, then here soon after. What’s wrong?”

“Let’s just do this once, okay?”

He nodded and led the way to the office. My hopes of everyone just ignoring me didn’t happen of course. Dawn smiled but faltered as if my exhaustion affected her. Buffy made no attempts to hide her hostility. Wes and Willow wisely tried to make themselves smaller and out of the way.

“So, what’s wrong, Connor?” Angel asked before anyone could jump me.

“Someone turned in video with four of the slumber party victims walking around the club scene last night.”

That got their attention. Buffy and Willow jumped to their feet. Angel caught my arm, hauling me around.

“There’s video of them as vampires?” he asked.

“They looked human enough. The problem is the task force knew these girls were dead so they can’t wrap their brains around the cellphone video.” I sighed, shoulders slumping. “They think someone is pretending to be them as a sick joke and that’s what I encouraged them to believe.” I hated myself for that huge lie but it was the safest one for my coworkers to buy into.

Buffy shook her head, rubbing her forehead. “A dozen new vampires then most likely. They had to have known there was more than one Slayer in town and planned this as a counterbalance.”

“Not to mention me and Angel. And I think you’re right about that, Buffy. So now we have something new to worry about.” Just what we needed. I scowled. “Nothing good is going to come from this.”

“We still think this is part of the distraction, right?” Willow asked. “Iris is out talking to some of her friends to see if they’ve heard about anything going on, but this is really bad news.”

“Vampires don’t usually run in packs. You’re fairly sure this might the cult of Ul-Thar right, Angel?” Buffy looked at him.

“There are exceptions to the pack rule. I haven’t come across any in recent years other than the Ul-Thar group.”

“So it’s likely them.” I stifled a yawn. “It seems unusual. Have you found anything more? Anything I can do to help, or should I head out and get some sleep?”

“You do look spent,” Dawn said.

“And you’re not exactly a team player so you might as well cut out as usual.”

I shot Buffy a stunned look. “That is uncalled for. I’m here, aren’t I? Sorry I didn’t have time to text you about this yesterday, but I was dealing with a bunch of cops who don’t know about vampires and trying to steer them away from actually finding the ones who stole the bodies because if they did find them, they’d end up dead.”

“I’m not talking just about tonight.” She clenched her jaw.

“You’ve been on my case for a while now. What the hell is your problem?” I waved Angel off when he hissed my name.

Buffy got up in my face. “You know what you’ve done. You’re not as good as you pretend.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Buffy pressed a finger into my chest, and I stepped back before my temper slipped its chain. “That badge of yours can’t hide the ugly.”

That set off alarms in my brain. I didn’t know what she was on about, but if I was right about being spied on, I didn’t want it out there where they could hear. “I don’t want to talk about this here,” I growled. Part of me didn’t want to talk about it at all but there was no getting around it. I needed to know what was going on that had so angered Buffy, something that had been on a slow burn for so long but now had flared up like a wild fire. She obviously thought I had a clue that I didn’t. 

“You don’t always get what you want.” Buffy’s furious expression set my back up. Again, I clamped down on my temper.

“And you know that people are spying on us somehow. Not talking _here_. I have a place we can go where no one will overhear us.”

She looked ready to protest, and then she swept her arms out. “We’re all going.”

I nodded. Wes already knew what was wrong or at least I suspected he did judging by his expression. Angel, Willow and Dawn probably knew. It was me on the outside like always. My choice really so I couldn’t complain. “Follow me.”

Wes came with me in the car, silent as a statue. The rest piled into Angel’s vintage land barge. I drove to a remote stretch of beach. The pounding surf would help to mask any listening devices. 

“Leave your phones in the car,” I said.

“You’re a little paranoid,” Willow said.

“No, I was a little paranoid before Wolfram and Hart obviously started following me around. I’m a lot paranoid at the moment.” I struck out over the coarse grass heading to the surf, pacing along the dry sand. Angel hovered between me and Buffy. I nearly felt sorry for him torn between two people he loved, knowing there was going to be a whole lot of ugly in a minute. This stretch of beach had to be a reminder for him as to the horrible thing I did to him didn’t make it easier.

“Now, tell me what you think has been so wrong about my conduct.” I crossed my arms so I could band up my anger.

“How can you not know? It should be obvious.” Buffy mirrored my actions.

“Obviously I don’t. I thought we were fine other than your understandable problem with me cutting Angel out.”

She shook her heir back like an irate stallion. “This has nothing to do with Angel. You let Annamaria die.”

Those words hung there like shards of glass, ready to slice. For a moment I couldn’t find my voice. Slayers died all the time. I was there and held Annamaria’s hand as she passed but I sure as hell didn’t just let it happen. “I did no such thing.”

“Yes, you did. You chose to save Faith and left Annamaria to die.” Buffy spat those words but then her face mellowed slightly as she added, “I understand your choice better now after Faith’s memorial but that doesn’t change what you did.”

Did I look as white and strained as I felt? Surely I had to. “You weren’t there. How do you even know what I did?”

“Andrew told me. He _was_ there.” Buffy stalked right into my space. Angel moved toward us, but she tossed her hands up, stopping him. Willow and Dawn stared but Wes stepped in, ignoring how imposing Buffy looked at this moment. 

“Buffy, I’ve told you that Andrew’s account is biased.”

She whipped around, staring at Wes. “And you’ve always been biased toward Connor.”

That was true. Wes felt the weight of what he had inadvertently allowed to happen to me as a baby. He was my staunchest defender outside of Angel and Faith when she was still with us.

“Andrew was recording things then,” I snapped. “Watch for yourself. I did save Faith first, but it wasn’t because I loved her. She was closest to me proximity-wise and when that thing tore her up, I had seconds to act. I immediately went back for Annamaria. She was my friend too.”

“Like hell.” Buffy shoved me and I let her. I didn’t want this to dissolve into a fight because it so easily could. Angel edged closer but could he really choose which of us he’d back in this moment.

“She was.” Buffy whirled on Dawn who didn’t back down. “She talked to me too, Buffy. She liked Connor a lot.”

Buffy pointed at Dawn, her whole arm trembling. “Then how did he let her die? Tell me that.”

Buffy really liked Annamaria, more than I knew. Some of the Slayers are like real sisters to her or so I assumed as much. This looked like proof. I said as calmly as I could manage, “Watch the recording if that little liar will give it to you. Buffy, I cared about Annamaria too. I tried to help her dispatch that whatever it was.”

“A Ymatiko demons,” We supplied.

“Right the Ymatiko had her pinned. Fuck, it ripped me open when I tried to kill it. It took a spell from Wes and the combined strength of me and Annamaria to finish it off. She died. Faith and I nearly did too. I held Annamaria as her last breath left her even though I was bleeding all over the damn place so don’t stand there telling me I let Annamaria die.” My voice didn’t raise but it filled with frost cold enough to burn. “I fought and nearly bled out trying to save Annamaria. I did my best.”

“It wasn’t enough!” She scrubbed her hands over her face, unable to meet my eye.

“No, it wasn’t, and I bear the weight of that but don’t make it sound like I gathered up Faith and took off. Bet that’s exactly what Andrew told you, probably said he helped Wes deal with that demon but all he did was cower and record.”

“You should have made a better choice. Faith….” 

“Was _my_ choice and one I’d make again. Blame me all you want for choosing the wrong Slayer but recognize that’s all on you. I didn’t do anything wrong,” I broke in, watching tears trickling down her face, heard them in her voice even as I cut her off, smelled the salt of them.

“Do you even know all that Faith did?” Buffy’s voice went quiet, almost broken. “It was before you were even born, creepily enough.”

“She told me. She knew you didn’t like her but owned up to all she’d done. She knew it was her fault, that she deserved the scorn she got. But she turned her life around, and to your credit, you acknowledged that. It meant more to her than she could tell you.”

“She had a real darkness in her.”

“I know and it was one of the reasons she wanted an open relationship with me. It was in part because the abuse she suffered and the trust issues it created. But also, she feared her darkness would call to mine.” I was over the fence and running into the minefield. I didn’t care. I should but that dark visitor rose up in me, tearing down my barriers. My depressive episodes always led me to bad choices.

“Connor, you’re not….” Angel trailed off. Demonic? Evil? Whatever he had planned to placate me with died, meaning he knew it wasn’t accurate.

“You don’t know, Angel,” I whispered.

“You’re a good person,” Dawn said. “I’ve watched you fighting to help those who’ve lost someone. You are _good_.”

“I am _now_. I wasn’t always. I didn’t get the title the bringer of pain and torment, the Destroyer because I’m sunlight and rainbows.”

“That was in Quor-Toth where that level of violence was needed,” Wes said, giving me an out. He and Kate knew my dirty secrets. But I was so tired of hiding it all. Let it out. Maybe I’d heal. Maybe I’d be cut loose for good. It wasn’t like they could imprison a freak like me, unaging, bringing up questions as to how I remained twentyish, and what I might be. No, the Watchers would probably orchestrate my murder just to preserve the status quo.

“Faith, was a murderer,” Buffy said. “You aren’t.”

“Am I not? Faith wasn’t alone. Giles killed Ben to save you and Dawn. Willow murdered Warren out of revenge. Xander accidentally got lots of people killed calling up a demon. Andrew is a murderer who planned to gang-rape his friend’s girlfriend, but only _some_ people get forgiven. Me and Faith were never in that group. Seems like if you or Angel are involved, Buffy, it becomes an unforgiveable crime.” I swiped at my eyes, dashing way the forming tears.

Angel reached for me but I backed away. “I don’t think Jasmine counts as murder, son. I know…”

“Nothing. You know nothing.” I whipped around staring at the dark waters lashing the shore. “Cordelia told me we needed the blood of the innocent to bring about Jasmine’s birth.” I heard Angel hissing my name, but I went on, too far in to stop. Maybe this was what I had intended to do from the moment I brought us out here. “Giles and Wes think I was partially under Jasmine’s control then, and I think that’s true. I did a lot of things when she was there that I wouldn’t have otherwise. It made it easier to ignore what I knew as wrong. Stole that girl from a vampire, thinking one way or another she was going to die that night, that it didn’t matter.” I sank to my knees, watching the waves. I couldn’t look at my friends now. “Of course, it mattered. Mom tried to stop me, even superimposed herself on the girl, thinking I wouldn’t be able to hurt her, but I couldn’t break free of Cordy’s hold on me. When I was along, I nearly let the young woman go so Cordy made sure I was never out of her sight after that. Cordy killed her but I’m just as responsible. I kidnapped her and I did nothing to stop it.” Those words squeezed out like taffy from my tight throat.

No one said a word, but I felt all the eyes on me. “Not that anyone could prove a crime happened. Jasmine atomized her like she did so many others that she ate.” I twisted around still on my knees, looking up at them. “I didn’t stop that either. I knew what Jasmine was, what my daughter did to stay alive. I don’t know if I could have stopped it, but I didn’t even try. Not up until Angel exposed her, ruined that pretty lie she represented. There was nothing left in me then. I didn’t kill her to stop her. I killed my child because I wanted _everything_ to end. And it should have. I wanted to end but instead I got this.” I thumped my chest.

“It was a second chance. After all you’d been through, you deserved that much,” Wes said softly.

“Did I? I’m not so sure. Because of me, because I was messed up enough that Cordy – or maybe Jasmine through her – could convince me killing that girl was the only way forward for me, she died, dozens if not hundreds more died because I have no idea just how many Jasmine ate. I’ll never know what I unleashed but that wasn’t what I thought would happen. I had no idea what Jasmine would do but once I did, I didn’t act. So was Faith worse than me?”

“You were young,” Willow said after several moments of painful silence.

“So was Faith,” I replied.

“But you were far more naïve,” Angel said, his expression fierce and pained. He truly believed that but he wasn’t wrong. “But if brutal honesty is what you’re looking for tonight, Connor, I did worry about you two together because of what you could have become. You could have made me and Darla look like nothing had you two slipped back into the darkness, but you didn’t, either of you. That’s what you have to remember.”

I laughed mirthless, a broken hollow sound. I appreciated the truth, but I couldn’t tell him that. “True. Of course, you fucking with my mind helped. Don’t get me wrong, I get why you did it. I can’t even complain about what I gained from it, but I’d have preferred to be dead.”

“Connor.”

I stopped him with a slash of my hand. “No, it’s true. But my death didn’t last too long, did it? Of course, neither did the spell.”

“I still don’t understand how you broke free of it, given all I was told about it,” Willow said.

“Amber Rose was at the heart of it.” I tried to draw in a deep breath ending with a ragged sob. I covered my mouth, bending forward, thinking I might just get sick. I recovered some control. “You know she was murdered. They caught the bastard, a serial rapist-murderer, found him guilty at trial but they gave him time to get his shit together before prison. I’ve seen judges do that with some of my cases as if they deserve that, as if they aren’t going to leg it. Witherington cut off his ankle monitor and was heading for the border but stopped at the university, _my_ university to grab another girl. He found me and I put my fist straight through his head.”

“Damn,” Buffy gasped.

I picked myself up off the ground, wiping at my face again. “I knew what I had done wasn’t human. Did I mean to kill him? No, maybe. Hell, I was just so angry I probably could have beat him to death but to kill him with one blow, to literally punch straight through a skull, I realized something was wrong with me. The spell couldn’t handle my abnormal show of strength, and things unraveled.”

“I had wondered,” Angel whispered. “I wish I had known.”

“Don’t blame Wes. I told him not to tell you. I was angry about what you had done to me. Still am. So, now you all know. Maybe you’re right, Buffy. I _am_ pretending to be better than I am. But I’ve tried to be a good man since. I _have_ but I’m not perfect.”

“You said no one could prove a crime with the girl or anyone Jasmine ate but what about Amber Rose’s killer? You walked away from there free,” Buffy said and Angel grimaced at her.

“Not free. I was a suspect, but my fraternity brothers gave me an alibi, and frankly I doubted anyone gave two shits about solving Witherington’s death. They didn’t press me all that hard but maybe that was because I’d been in a mental hospital before his murder.”

“Really?” Dawn asked. “That’s sad.”

“I didn’t handle Amber Rose’s murder well, so I was sent away for a few weeks. Might not have been the worst thing for me.” I wrapped my arms around myself, rubbing my biceps. “I don’t know where we go from here.”

“I don’t either,” Buffy said. “This is a lot. I’m not sure how you work the job you do.”

“Buffy!” Angel snapped. Just what I’d need, to get those two fighting bitterly.

“I do it because no one should have to suffer a loss like I had with Amber Rose, like that girl’s family had to have suffered. They were never going to know justice, but I can give that to others. Maybe it’s hypocritical but it’s important to me. Father taught me to cling to the good and lay waste to the evil. I lost that idea for a long while but I’ve found it again. This isn’t an easy job but maybe it helps balance a scale that can’t actually truly be balanced. Don’t think for a moment I got away free. I feel the weight of the things I’ve done every damn day, Buffy. Some days I can’t actually live with it. Once, I took a bottle of pills but damn if my demonic body didn’t just metabolism them and I woke up.”

“Oh, Connor.” Angel reached for me, but I danced out of reach.

“I’d wondered about your tattoo.” Dawn shielded her eyes. “I knew it would be a sad story as is mine.” Willow and Buffy glanced her way. “He has a semi-colon worked into his tattoos on his ankle.”

Whether or not they knew what it meant didn’t seem to register on them. I didn’t enlighten them if they didn’t. I couldn’t look at Angel, at all the pain on his face. Instead I barreled on, not sure I could shut up at this point. “Cut my wrists but I healed. Finally, I let those idiots who follow the Great Potentate of Ul-Thur get me, figuring they’d kill me once they realized I wouldn’t do anything they wanted but you people came blundering in and rescued me.”

“I wondered how the hell they got hold of you,” Buffy said. “I never imagined….”

“That I gave up? Damn, I wonder if the slumber party group never heard about the last time Ul-Thurites came for me,” I mused.

“We left none of them alive.” Angel picked up my thread.

“That’s true.” I sighed. “So, I’ve given up on suicide. Maybe the point is I _need_ to suffer for the things I’ve done. Isn’t that the point of Angel having a soul? You can’t actually balance the scales after you’ve taken a life, but you can suffer for it.”

“There should be an end to that too,” Angel said quietly.

“Maybe for some but I don’t see that for me. I’m not wired that way. And now that I’ve made everything horribly awkward you can at least now hate me for the things I’ve actually done instead of the things you think I’ve done.” 

I was met with stares and silence. No one tried to lie about hating me. Of course, not all of them did, maybe none of them, not really, but it felt like they did. Then I heard it, like a siren’s call, unwanted but nevertheless needed to be heeded. I started toward the car.

“You can’t just walk away now,” Buffy said, reaching a hand out to stop me. I had no idea what more she thought could be left to say.

“I have to go.”

“No, you don’t.”

“His phone is ringing,” Angel said.

“It’s work. I _have_ to answer it.” I broke into a jog. Damn work for needing me now that I was a mess. Praise it for getting me out of this. I had to trust Buffy and the others wouldn’t try to make trouble for me with my job, and I did trust them because I had to. I barely got to the car in time. Other phones were going off now, an electronic cacophony that set my nerves jangling because I thought it had to be something that was going to sweep over all of us. Had we already hit Wolfram and Hart’s end game? 

“Devlin,” I barked into the phone. What Nami said confirmed my worst fears even as I heard Angel on his phone asking Lorne to slow down. “I’ll be right there. Wes, you need to go back with Angel. There’s room, right?”

“Surely but what is going on?” Wes asked.

“Someone was killed at Lorne’s,” Angel said. “Is that what you’ve been called in on?”

“Yes.” I grabbed my tie off the seat. “I have to go.”

“We’re going too. He wants us there,” Angel said.

“You can’t come with me. I mean that. Legally I can’t show up with all of you in tow. I can’t stop you from following me in Angel’s car.” I slid behind the wheel before they could argue. I tore off, barely able to see the road thanks to my tear-swollen eyes. I hoped to hell I looked better when I finally got to Lorne’s. 

The uniforms had already cordoned off the alleyway and much of the building while a few others of them were arguing with patrons who wanted to leave but couldn’t, not until we had time to process the scene and interview people. Nami stood at the mouth of the alley, eyeing me as Angel slammed his car into park behind mine. I shrugged and followed her in. Maybe Lorne would get the others inside or maybe not. I didn’t have time to be concerned about it. 

“What is your brother and the rest of them doing here?” Nami hissed as we went back.

“Lorne, the owner, called them. We’re all friends with him, and we were together tonight.”

She gave him a strange look. “Are you okay?”

“Not at all, almost relieved to have to work,” I said, and instantly regretted it when I saw who lay in the alley in a pool of her blood. I stumbled, my legs going weak. “Oh no, Karen, not you.” I knelt down, touching her cooling hand, aware of the others going wide eyed as I broke my own rule about touching anyone before someone from the coroner’s office dealt with the victim. “I’m so sorry, Karen.”

“You knew her,” Nami said, waving back two uniformed cops.

I nodded. “She was a friend.”

“I don’t think that the captain will take you off this,” Nami said, saying what I hoped to hear.

“I hope not. Do we have any idea what happened here?” I unfurled from my spot next to Karen. 

“No one heard the shots inside, not with the music,” one of the uniformed cops said. “The store across the street still had the manager cleaning up and she heard gun fire at ten minutes to ten.”

“Why would anyone do this?” I wanted to roll back time and save my friend. “I don’t know…”

“Finally, cops to shoot!” Someone screeched, and then a gun, a fully automatic, roared. The uniformed cop who’d been talking to me went down the top half of his head gone. The other uniformed officer fell back in a spray of blood.

Nami and I drew, aiming across the street and up where we saw the flash of the gun. It roared again and fire lashed across me from my legs moving up even as I saw the shooter. I shot back and Nami did too. The next thing I knew I was on the ground, pain worse than I’ve ever felt washing over me, and I’ve been dealt a lot of agony in my life. Had I fallen into ice water? I couldn’t tell.

Nami screamed my name, and then disappeared from view. Where was she going? I couldn’t get up to find out. Was the shooter out there? Had we hit him? Why was I so cold? Suddenly, as things got fuzzy around the edges, Nami reappeared and Angel was with her. What was he doing here? He called my name panicked, scooping me up, and then I shook all over, hard, bone jarring and the world dissolved into blackness.


	18. Angel

Chapter Eighteen– Angel

_'Cause my monsters are real, and they're trained how to kill_  
And there's no comin' back and they just laughed at how I feel  
And these monsters can fight, and they'll never say die  
And there's no goin' back, if I get trapped I'll never heal  
Yeah, my monsters are real   
**Monsters – Shinedown**

Lorne squirmed his way past the cops at the front door who hadn’t let us in, leaving us standing on the sidewalk useless. His appearance shocked me. His red eyes had faded to the color of terra cotta, his movements equally dulled. He said in a hushed tone, “I’m not supposed to say anything but someone murdered Karen.”

“Isn’t that the bartender Connor liked?” I asked, and he nodded. My gut clenched as I tossed a glance toward the alley, wishing there was something I could do.

“He was very fond of her. This is going to be hard on him. Was he with you tonight?” Lorne cocked an eyebrow up at that.

“It’s already been a hard night,” I muttered. 

The report of a high-powered gun made us all jump. The two cops at the door ran for the alley, and I followed along with Buffy who ordered our friends to stay put. I doubt that was going to go over well. Connor’s partner raced out of the alley, toward the marked police car.

“He’s been shot,” she screamed when she spotted me.

“What?”

“Connor’s down.” She tossed herself into the car, grabbing something in there and shouting into what must be the communications system with their dispatch. “Three officers down, I repeated three officers down, the shooter might be neutralized. We need help.”

She was giving them the address when I raced down the alley. She dogged my heels faster than I would have credited a normal human. Buffy ran next to her, but I barely noticed either of them. My son sprawled on the filthy alley ground, next to his friend. Blood formed a lake I slogged through, ignoring its delicious bouquet. Connor reached toward me before his hand fell into the sanguine puddle with a soft splash.

I didn’t realize I’d been screaming his name until Buffy called mine. Instead of answering, I scooped Connor up, and he seized in my arms so hard I nearly dropped him. I ran for the mouth of the alley carrying him. His partner raced along side of me, calling to one of the uniformed cops. “I need your keys. I’m transporting Detective Devlin. I know it’s not protocol, but he won’t last until the ambulance gets here. Get in the back seat with him,” she barked that last to me.

I didn’t argue, sliding across the cheap vinyl. I lateraled the keys to my car to Buffy. “Follow us. Where are we going?”

“Mercy hospital is closest,” she replied. 

“We’ll meet you there.” Buffy’s face went pale as she wheeled away from the car. 

His partner said nothing, slamming the car into gear. She tore away with the siren wailing and lights flashing. I held Connor tighter with one arm, trying to find the damage with the other hand. There was too much blood, too many wounds. How many times had he been hit? His breathing rasped in and out, fast, shallow, hitching. He was dying. The smell of his blood filled my senses, spiking my hunger, sickening me. I hated myself at this moment, but I couldn’t help it. The beast in me had its own ideas.

“Can you go faster?” I asked.

“Only if we all want to die.” She looked at us in the rear view mirror. “Connor, you hang on. You are not allowed to go out like this!”

I hope he heard her. My fingers found a hole in his gut. I did my best to put pressure on that wound. It was the equivalent of jamming my finger in a dam while it crumbled all around me. 

She slewed up to the emergency room exit and nearly fell out of the car in her haste. She yanked the door open to the back just as I was realizing I couldn’t get out without help from the outside.

“Go, get help. I have him,” I barked, almost tumbling out of the car myself. She ran ahead of me. She barely had time to get help before I made it through the automatic doors.

Two orderlies or nurses I wasn’t sure, nor did it matter, met me with a gurney. I put Connor on it and ran after them with his partner at my side right into the curtained off emergency room ‘room.’ I knew they’d eventually order us both out, but I wasn’t going until then or maybe not even then. Someone, a young doctor perhaps, had one of the young women with a blond ponytail reminding me of Buffy back in the early days, slice off Connor’s clothing. Now I could see all the holes running from his leg over his body and into his arm. 

“God,” his partner whispered. I couldn’t even manage that much. There was so much damage, so many wounds I couldn’t count them all through the rivers of blood pouring out of Connor. She rallied and said to the young man ordering people about, “He’s Detective Connor Devlin, my partner. I’m Detective Nami Asakura, and this is Connor’s brother, Angel. Our boss will be here soon. We know we can’t interfere with treatment, but someone needs to bag up those clothes in case we need them as evidence.”

In his murder trial I thought, still too numb to move or speak. How was she holding it together enough to think about the future if the worst would happen as it likely would? _It’s not **her** son who’s dying_.

“Of course. I’m Dr. Belmont. We’re going to be transferring him to the O.R. stat. Do you know his blood type?” Belmont asked as a nurse took Connor’s necklace off as she started swabbing him off with alcohol so they could get a better look at the wounds.

“I’ll take that.” Nami grabbed and pocketed the medallion, and I was glad of it because I couldn’t have touched it. The thought of it getting lost in the melee sent a shiver through me: better it say with his partner. “And he’s AB positive.”

“She’s right.” I managed. 

“Good, that’ll make transfusions easier. We’re going to need you to step out so we can work.” Belmont said. Neither Nami or I moved. Belmont turned back to Connor. “If you can hear me, Connor, we’re going to get you into the O.R. and get you patched up. Lily, order a fluoroscope for the room. We’re not going to have time to send him to X-ray or CT.”

Lily nodded, and then caught Nami’s arm, giving her a gentle nudge toward the edge of the curtain. I held out a bloody hand to Nami, and Lily scowled. 

“You can’t sit in the waiting room like that, sir. I’ll call someone who can take you to get cleaned up and find clothes for you,” she said.

“I…thank you.” What else could I say? I had to get these clothes off of me. I couldn’t walk around cloaked in my son’s blood.

“I’ll be in the waiting room….I should go back to the scene, but Captain Diaz has already texted me. She wants me to stay put. I’m not going to be allowed to investigate this,” Nami rasped brokenly.

“I’ll be right back.”

Lily quickly found me an aide who led me to a bathroom and gave me scrubs to wear. I washed off as much of Connor’s blood as I could in the sink. It ran red then pink and finally clear before I stopped. The aide had given me a real towel too and a red bag to put my clothing. I fished out everything from my pockets and let her have the bag to destroy once I left the restroom. I never wanted to see those clothes again. I’d never wear them again, especially if Connor died. There was every chance he would. I couldn’t lie to myself about it as much as I wanted to.

I nearly got lost in the Daedalus maze inside the hospital, feeling ridiculous in my blue scrubs and blood-spattered shoes. I was used to such loose fitting, baggy clothing. By the time I got to the waiting room, Buffy and our friends were there with Nami who made it to my side before Buffy could.

Her gaze unnerved me. “More cops will be here soon.”

“What the hell happened?” Buffy asked, hanging onto Dawn’s hand like a lifeline. I wasn’t sure which one needed the support; Dawn maybe because she seemed to take an instant liking to my son or Buffy because she would be heartbroken for my sake.

Nami shook her head, sagging into a chair. She grabbed my arm, taking me with her. I let her hold my hand. She was alone in this nightmare. I had my friends sans Lorne who I bet hadn’t been allowed to leave. “We got called in, and I’m guessing the owner called you all. Connor said he’s a friend to all of you.”

“Yes,” I replied.

“It was Connor’s friend Karen who got shot. It busted him up.” Nami choked, her hands shaking.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Willow interjected. “Coffee, water?”

“Water, please. I think…Karen might have died just to get cops there because the next thing we knew someone popped up and screamed ‘cops to shoot’ like he was a kid in a candy store. He let go with an automatic rifle. Two of the officers took one to the head, dead before they hit ground.” Nami scrubbed a hand over her mouth, holding in a scream or vomit I wasn’t sure, but she pulled herself together. “Connor and I spotted the shooter and we fired back. Connor got hit so many times. I saw his body jerking.”

Nami paused again, and I squeezed her hand. Buffy sat next to me, rubbing my shoulder trying to relax me after the horrible picture Nami painted. Willow came back from across the room where the water cooler sat. She handed over a little plastic cup. 

Thanking her, Nami sipped it. “They texted me from the scene. The shooter’s dead. Don’t know if I or Connor was the one who killed him. Maybe we both hit him. I don’t even know how Connor got those shots off. I’m going to be in trouble for leaving the scene, just preparing you for that. It’ll be okay. Just let it happen.”

“Doesn’t seem fair. Connor’s your partner, your friend,” Dawn said. “If you didn’t rush him here, he’d have died on the spot.”

“Dawn’s right,” I said.

Nami nodded. “I know and so will the captain but there are rules. I don’t expect to be fired but I’m in for it. Oh….” 

She stood and I saw uniformed police entering the room along with an older Hispanic woman in a rumpled pantsuit and even more rumpled hair. I assumed she was the captain and had been roused from bed. She led them to the other side of room to give us space and peace. I could hear them anyhow, tried to ignore it as more cops and detectives showed up. The captain broke off from lecturing Nami about things she already knew and didn’t regret doing long enough to tell the nurses that the cops were there to donate blood to Connor. It warmed me.

“They’re here to donate,” I told my friends.

“Good.” Buffy took my hand. “How bad is it Angel?”

The others moved to the edge of their seats, anxious for my answer. “As bad as it gets. He was bleeding out in the car, seized and was unconscious the entire ride here. I saw at least four holes but there could have been more. My clothes were soaked through. They gave me these.” I tugged at the V-neck of the tunic. “I don’t…he could die.”

“You can’t think that,” Willow said, trying to be upbeat but she knew better than any of us how just one bullet could rob the light from your life. 

“It’s true,” I replied. “I know they’re doing their best but he was nearly dead by the time we got here. I could hear his heart failing.” It had sounded like so many of my victims just before their last breaths. I had heard his heart fail like once before, dead at my hands before Wolfram and Hart changed it all. I swore that rapid, strained beating played on in my mind. I began to tremble at the dire implications. I could not have Wolfram and Hart pull him back again if he passed.

“Connor’s tough,” Wes replied, his voice shaking.

I wanted to thank him for trying to bolster me. Instead, tears leaked from my eyes and I made no attempts to hide them. My son was dying in a cold operating room and these were my best friends, my family. They looked ready to weep with me. “That’s the only reason he was still breathing when we got here. I can’t lie to myself. I know his chances aren’t good but he’s not…well, you know what he is.” Not human and for once I was glad of it. It was the only prayer Connor had. “It’s just not fair. He’s fought so many impossible things and he stands a great chance of dying because of some idiot with a gun.”

“Out to shoot cops,” Buffy muttered. “You’re right, it’s not fair but he’s still with us and that’s what you have to focus on.”

“I know and I am but…” I couldn’t finish the thought. Buffy leaned her head on my shoulder, interlocking her fingers with mine.

Silence enveloped us. Nami and the captain broke it when she returned bringing the captain over. She introduced me as Connor’s brother. 

The captain eyed me curiously. Was there no one Connor hadn’t told how much he hated me? That was unfair. More likely he hadn’t mentioned I existed at all. “We’d like to wait with you, Mr. Devlin, if that’s all right.”

“It’s just Angel,” I replied, wiping my face. “And yes, of course you can. He’d want Nami here. I know that for a fact.”

“Thank you,” they said together and joined the silent vigil.

Time had long since lost all meaning when an older woman appeared along with a younger man, both wearing exhaustion like a coat. The paper foot coverings and the blue paper hats screamed ‘we’re surgeons’ and I wasn’t the only one who thought so. The captain and Nami were on their feet with me.

“Doctors, I’m Captain Diaz, were you working on Detective Devlin?” 

The older woman nodded. “I’m Doctor Davies and this is Doctor James.”

“How is he?” Nami and I asked at the same time.

Davies looked between us and the captain who said, “That’s Devlin’s brother, Angel and his partner, Nami.”

“It is still very touch and go. We lost him three times on the table, but we managed to get him back,” Davies replied, and I nearly fell back onto those horrible waiting room chairs. Buffy stabilized me. “He was bleeding out as fast as we pumped blood into him. He’s had several units, and we have all the damage sewn up now.”

“There’s always a risk of sepsis with any bullet wound,” James put in. “We won’t know if he’s in danger immediately but at the moment he’s holding his own. He’s been transferred to ICU.”

“I’m going to see him,” I said, not even waiting until Buffy pulled me to a halt. Hell, I didn’t even know where ICU was. 

“I am too,” Nami said. 

“I’m sorry, only family at the moment. He’s far too weak for many visitors,” James replied.

“I’m his brother, and I’m going.” My vicious glare backed both surgeons right up. “Buffy’s my wife, and she’s coming with me.”

“Of course, that’s fine,” James said, nodding his head.

“But…” Nami started but silenced when Captain Diaz put a hand on her arm.

“We need to go back to the station anyhow,” Diaz said.

“And there’s no one Connor’s closer to than Detective Asakura. She’s more family than I am,” I said to the doctors. “If there’s anyone Connor would want to be at his side, it’s her.”

“I’ll make a note of it. It won’t be a problem,” Davies said. “Come on, I’ll take you back.”

“Thank you.”

“Angel, we’ll go back, see how Lorne is faring and then go home,” Wes said.

“All right.”

“And Nami, I have your number. Do you want me to text you if there’s any change?” Dawn said, and the grateful look on Nami’s face touched me.

“Yes, please.”

“Give me her number, Dawn, if you don’t mind Nami. I’ll be here. I can keep you in the loop.”

“Of course, and thank you. You don’t know what it means to me.” Nami smiled. “I do have to go.”

“Of course. Doctor, please let’s go see Connor and thank you for all you did to save him,” I said, meaning every word of it. I wasn’t ready to see what I knew awaited in the ICU, but I had to go. Connor had been brought back three times tonight. If there was going to be a fourth time, he wasn’t going to face it by himself. If my son had to die tonight, he’d do so with me at his side, holding his hand.


	19. Buffy

Chapter Nineteen– Buffy

_I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh_  
I want to hold you high and steal your pain away  
**Broken – Seether**

My heart still pounded, all these hours later, like I was soaking up all of Angel’s pain and fears. I wasn’t used to hearing him make soft sounds like he was breathing and struggling to catch it. No one should have to suffer like this. How could Connor deal with people in this kind of pain every day? Would he ever do so again?”

Looking at him lying on the ICU bed, that horrible ventilation tube down his throat, I can’t imagine him surviving. In spite of the harshness of my job I had never really seen anyone so injured hanging by thread. Most were dead instantly in our line of work. Angel was so distracted by his mental agony, he never even glanced at the bag of human blood hanging on the IV tree, draining slowly into his son’s arm. Angel stroked Connor’s hair with such tenderness bringing tears to my eyes. They leaked down my cheeks. The hiss of the ventilator raked my nerves like a cheese grater.

“Did we do the right thing, Buffy?” The roughness of his voice startled me.

I took his hand. “What do you mean?”

Angel took Connor’s limp fingers in his free hand. “He just told us about his suicide attempts. Did they pull him back when he wanted it to end?”

I squeezed his hand hard. “You can’t think like that, Angel. We all have dark times. Connor died three times on the table but he’s back. He’s a fighter and that’s what you have to remember. Knowing him, if he wanted to be dead, he’d be stubborn enough to not be resuscitated.” I tried to smile for him.

Angel made a hiccupping laugh. “That’s true. He’s as bullheaded as they come.”

“You don’t have to tell me. It’s his most consistent quality.” Letting go of his hand, I slipped my arms around Angel, hugging him tight. The tension in his muscles didn’t ebb, not that I expected them to.

“I’m afraid if I look anywhere but right at him, he’ll slip away.” 

“You can’t think that either,” I said, even less sure of myself on that account. Connor could easily pass with the next faltering beat of his heart.

“I’m not leaving him.” Angel clamped his hands down on the arm of the reclining chair I assumed they kept bed-side, so a family member could get some rest as they waited. “I don’t care what anyone says I’m not leaving.”

I glanced around, seeing no reason why he couldn’t. The ICU room had no windows, and if Angel needed to leave, he could slide past the nurses’ station without worrying about anything.

“Let me go talk to them.” I sidled out of the room. I knew I didn’t have the menacing atmosphere Angel carries with him. I wasn’t sure I could threaten them if they protested Angel staying. Boy did they protest. Eventually the doctor went in to talk to Angel while I stayed at the nurses’ station. The doctor returned and muttered, “He can stay.”

I nodded to him and the nurses before returning to Angel’s side, having really accomplished nothing but stir the pot. “Did the doctor say anything other than you can stay?”

He shook his head. “Buffy, I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything.”

“Go home and keep working. This could be the distraction Wolfram and Hart had planned.”

I stared. “How could anyone know Connor would be there?”

“They know Connor is friends with Lorne. The murder victim was that was killed to lure in cops to shoot was the bartender Connor liked. It wouldn’t take a stretch to think Lorne would call Connor in if he hadn’t been assigned to case. It takes nothing to arm a mad man eager to shoot cops for fun.” 

“That makes a sick kind of sense. It’s also cheaper, easier and quicker than that spell to resurrect someone,” I replied. “I’ll get Ashley, Lawanda, and Rosa on it as well.” L.A.’s other three Slayers should be enough, I thought, to keep up on things. “Wes, Willow and Dawn will continue the research. Mary Ellen will be here too. I can send her out with Lawanda or Spike if he wants. He knows L.A. decently enough. If this is a Wolfram and Hart funded attack, we won’t let them derail us.” Of course, we still had no idea what the hell they wanted. They had their fingers in so many bad pies we needed some clue. Now that I’m older – hell I’m exactly as old as Giles when I first met him, how uncomfortable was that? – I appreciated how hard it was to discover the whos, whats, and whys. I regret how much crap I gave Giles over the years. At least I had time to apologize to him before he died for some of what I put him through when I was a teen.

“Do you want me to stay with you a little longer?”

He nodded. “Please, just a little longer.”

I waited for another half hour, went home, called my Slayers in and left them to plan. I caught some sleep, helped them the next day but no one could concentrate. Even with Dru’s and whoever Wes’s seer was, additional information on the multiple gates, we still had little to go on. We didn’t know where they would open or what Wolfram and Hart would want with the portal once opened. Willow and Dawn practiced opening and closing spells. Willow was decent at them, having traveled to a few other dimensions. Lorne threw in with his knowledge on the subject plus offered to call in Mistress Meerna who was a specialist. She unnerved me because that magic left a lasting impact on her, fluttering her all over the place. You never knew where to look when you were talking to her. Thankfully it didn’t seem to affect Dawn like that. It was probably because of what she was but Dawn was every bit Mistress Meerna’s equal. It might be likely that we’d need all hands on deck if the visions meant that gates would be opening all over the place. I don’t know how we’d handle it if the hell gates opened at once. What they could want with all those portals? Knowing what Wolfram and Hart wanted was never easy. Wes suggested we start gathering other portal specialists like Meerna.

Finally, once dinner was over, I decided to go back to the hospital. There wasn’t much else I could do, and I felt so helpless. Angel was right where I left him. Connor remained unchanged as far as I could tell. It had been twenty-four hours and then some since he’d been shot but it felt like days. Seeing no changes carved into my heart. How Angel was still here I couldn’t fathom it. I pulled up a chair and laid a hand on Angel’s shoulder. “How is he?”

“Stable but nothing has changed really.” He sounded so tired. “Did anything change on your end?”

“Nothing. Did you get any sleep?”

He nodded. “The chair lays out flat but it’s hard to rest when nurses are in and out every hour. It’s nerve wracking.”

“Do they have any idea when he’ll wake up?” I attempted to sound hopeful for him. 

He shook his head. “Could be any time, could be never.”

I wanted to argue that for Angel’s sake but, how could I? 

“Some of the last words I spoke to him before this happened was I thought he and Faith could have been worse than me and Darla.” Angel’s voice broke and tears formed in his eyes. “What if that is the last thing I ever say to him? I’ve told him I’m sorry and that I love him a thousand times today but I don’t know if he can hear me. What if he dies thinking I believed he could be a monster?”

Before I could formulate any hollow words of comfort or go on more about not being distracted by this when I obviously was, Connor’s partner came through the door with a priest. They stopped short, staring at us. Of course, Connor no doubt told her he didn’t like his ‘brother’ and in spite of the exchange in the waiting room, she didn’t expect Angel to be still here.

“Nami?” Angel shot her a questioning look.

Her expression flattened. “Sorry, didn’t realize you were still here.”

“He hasn’t left.” I wanted her to get a better picture of Angel because I was sure whatever Connor had told her about him was bound to be unflattering.

“Good I’m glad he’s not alone. I brought someone.” Nami waved a hand to the young priest.

He smiled softly, holding a small book of prayer in his hand. “I’m Father Rory Flanagan. Connor comes to my church on occasion. I wanted to perform the anointing of the sick blessing.”

“I brought this. The captain said I could take it from evidence.” Nami held up an evidence bag with something metallic in it.

“Would that be all right?” Father Flanagan asked.

I shot Angel a worried glance. I wasn’t sure what that entailed. I’d never been very religious and definitely never Catholic. It sounded like a terrible idea if holy water was going to be flying but I honestly had no idea what was involved.

Angel stood, pushing the chair back. He held out his hand to Father Flanagan. “I’m Angel, Connor’s brother and my wife, Buffy.”

“He has mentioned you,” Father Flanagan said, shocking me. “He is very conflicted over your relationship.” He gazed at Connor, sorrow in his eyes. I hope he has the opportunity to work on it.”

“I hope so too, Please, Father, feel free to do your blessing,” Angel said.

“Of course. Nami, if you will,” Flanagan said.

She took the necklace out of the evidence bag and put it on Connor’s chest. I saw it was the St. Michael’s medallion along with the Claddagh and Faith’s ruby. Father Flanagan pulled a vial of oil out of a pocket. Angel tensed next to me. Holy oil, I hadn’t used it for slaying much but ideas percolated through my brain. That was wrong, but I couldn’t help it.

Flanagan opened his prayer book and read, “Are any of you sick? You should call for the elders of the church to come and pray over you, anointing you with oil in the name of the Lord. Such a prayer offered in faith will heal the sick, and the Lord will make you well. And if you have committed any sins, you will be forgiven.”

Angel whispered something. I looked over him. He was saying the prayer with Flanagan not quite right but surely there’d been changes in the centuries between the last time he’d been in church and now. 

 

Flanagan uncapped the oil, daubing some onto his fingers. He made the sign of the cross on Connor’s forehead with the oil. “Through this Holy Unction or oil, and through the great goodness of His mercy, may God pardon you whatever sins you have committed by evil use of sight.” He crossed over Connor’s eyelids. 

The solemnity of this entered my bones, tightening my chest. They were preparing Connor to die, and I couldn’t think of that because I had no idea how to get Angel through losing him. Flanagan continued repeating the prayer but substituting the words, hearing, smell, taste and speech, touch, and ability to walk. Each time he made the sign of the cross over the appropriate appendage. I was left wondering what evil one could possibly do with their sense of smell? I was afraid to ask.

“Thank you, Father,” Angel said when he finished.

“You’re welcome, Angel. Shall I bless you as well?” Flanagan smiled.

“Thank you but no I’m fine,” Angel said, hurriedly. I could only imagine what would happen if that oil hit Angel, and he started smoking in ICU.

Flanagan recapped his holy oil. “No problem. Here, I have this for Connor. I have a special item for him, but it can wait until he’s awake, God willing.” Flanagan went to hand Angel a rosary.

I intercepted it. “Thank you.”

“Father, I’m going to stay with Connor for a little while longer,” Nami said.

He nodded. “I have a few more of my flock here. I’ll go visit. Text me when you’re ready”

“I will.”

Flanagan disappeared with a final pat to Connor’s head. Nami held out her hand to me.

“I’d like to have that. I talked to the nurses first. He can’t have them around his neck, but they said I could put it around his wrist if you don’t mind, Angel.”

“Of course not. Thank you for thinking of him,” Angel replied. “I’m glad you’re here for him. You know him better than I do at this point.”

“He’s a stubborn man. I don’t know why he’s so angry at you, but I think it’s wearing him out.” She looped the rosary around his wrist. I was glad she put it on his injured side as Angel was seated on the opposite side. At least I didn’t have to worry about him getting fried. I had no idea if Connor was actually religious or why he’d be going to Flanagan’s church but it occurred to me he always had holy water when we needed it. Regardless, the religious ritual had meant a lot to Nami and I’m sure Connor wouldn’t mind. I remembered heaven even if I tried not to most time because of the pain of what I’d lost. I didn’t remember it in any religious terms but I did wonder what would happen to a soul like Connor’s. No, let’s not think on that either.

“I did things I thought were the best for him when he was a teen. I’m older than he,” he said. At least it looked true. Connor hadn’t aged in the decades I knew him. Dawn had a good point about that and how similar they were.

“Anyhow, he saw it as inference and there was a huge thing with my girlfriend at the time – not Buffy.” Angel sighed raggedly. “Leave it was a lot of mistakes were made, his, mine, hers and he was badly hurt by it all. I have always wanted to make it up to him, Connor isn’t interested so I’m tried to respect that.”

“I’ve wanted to kick him in the butt for being so stubborn because it’s obvious he’s bothered by it but it’s not my place to get involved with family.”

I snorted, and they both looked at me. “You _are_ his family. That’s what’s obvious. Feel free to put a foot in his backside.”

Nami smiled, her lips trembling. “I will but I was also afraid he’d think I wasn’t on his side. I don’t want him to feel alone.”

“I get that,” I said.

Nami stared at the medallion in her hand. “I want him to have his medallion but what if it gets lost.” Tears sprung to her eyes. “He’s so attached to it.” She scrubbed a hand over her face.

I stood and put a hand on her arm. “Let me have the ring. That’s what has the meaning. I’ll keep it safe, I promise.”

Nami nodded, cupping a hand over her mouth. I took the chain from her. Angel stood and rested a hand on Nami’s shoulder. She crumpled against him. I left Angel to comfort her as I took the ring off the chain. Faith’s ruby was permanently attached to the crown of her ring. Holding it brought tears to my eyes. Her and I had never been easy with each other, but I’d come to respect her as a Slayer. I know Angel loved her, not romantically but as a sister of sorts. He couldn’t save his own sister from himself, but he saved Faith. I loved him more for that. I tucked the ring into my purse.

Nami backed away from Angel. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. You love him too,” Angel replied and I gave her the medallion back.

“I do.” She wiped her eyes. “I couldn’t ask for a better partner. My kids love him. They don’t understand why I wouldn’t bring them today.”

“They don’t need to see him like this,” I said as she put the medallion over his wrist as well.

“Exactly. Okay I can’t…I need to go.” She shuddered. “Keep watch over him.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Angel promised her.

Nami turned and kissed Connor on the forehead. “You get better, buddy. With my luck they’ll partner me with Lawson and move Bautista out on his own. I can’t deal with that, so you wake the hell up and come back with me, Connor.” She patted the hand and tucked the rosary’s crucifix into Connor’s fingers. “I’ll be back, and you’d better be awake then.”

“He’ll wake up,” I said, knowing there was no guarantee, but it was the right thing to say. It bolstered everyone. “Connor’s tough.”

“I know,” Nami replied with a little farewell wave.

I settled next to Angel. “Do you want me to wipe off the holy oil?”

He shook his head. “Leave it. Who knows? Maybe it’ll help.”

“Certainly can’t hurt,” I replied, keeping my ‘anyone but you’ to myself.

Vigils were always two parts sad, one-part boring. In the end, I fell asleep until a low guttural sound woke me up. Angel stood over Connor, holding the hand that didn’t have two religious items wrapped around it.

“Let it be, Connor, it’s helping you breathe,” he said softly.

“Angel?”

“He’s awake sort of, trying to take out his ventilator tube. Call the nurse, Buffy. Shhh, Connor, it’s all right.”

That low guttural sound was a moan of pain I realized as I hit the call button. Hell, that would be too slow. I jogged to the IUC’s nurses’ station and came back with his nurse.

Angel had Connor’s good arm gently restrained, and I don’t think Connor could move the arm that had been shot. His eyes rolled wildly, and I wasn’t sure he fully understood where he was. The nurse called in the doctor and when she arrived, we were put out of the room for what seemed like forever. Angel paced to make a caged tiger jealous. More hospital personal paraded in and out.

Finally, the doctor came back out. Angel pounced. “How is he, doctor?”

She smiled, her eyes tired. “We pulled out his ventilation tube. Didn’t look like he was going to leave it alone, and he’s breathing all right on his own. In fact, his vitals look amazingly good for someone with this much trauma.”

“That’s great to hear,” I said, putting my arms around Angel’s waist.

“It’s too early to make promises but I’m optimistic he’ll recover.”

“Thank you.” Angel put out his hand to the doctor who shook it and disappeared off to wherever they went at this time of night.

We went back into the room. Connor was asleep already, which was for the best given how much pain he was obviously in.

“Do you want to come home and get some real sleep?” I asked, knowing the answer. I wanted him to get some proper rest but I knew he wouldn’t.

“I’ll sleep here.” He pulled me close, kissing my cheek. “You should go put that ring somewhere safe for him.”

“I will. Oh, they put the crucifix on the bed table. Be careful.”

“I will.”

We both jumped at that raspy utterance. Connor’s eyes were half opened. He seemed to be staring into the corner. “I’ll tell him, Mom.”

Angel pulled his chair back to the bedside and sat heavily. He took Connor’s hand, worry etched into his face. The doctor said no promises. It couldn’t be good that Connor was seeing Darla, could it?

“Tell me what, son?”

“Mom said, I’m…” Connor’s chest heaved and he moaned, not surprising since he had multiple holes in his torso. “Like Venice.”

“I understand.” Angel squeezed Connor’s hand.

To both our surprise, Connor wrapped his fingers around Angel’s, holding onto his father tight, but they quickly slackened, and his breathing evened out.

“Like Venice? I whispered so not to awaken him.

“After we turned Dru, we took her to Italy, but she was very delicate, easily hurt and prone to lash out. Darla’s warning me that Connor’s mental state needs some kid gloves.”

I wrinkled my nose. “But she can’t really be warning him, can she?”

“Yes, Darla has spoken to him multiple times. Wes told me years ago, afraid Connor was developing schizophrenia with hallucinations but everything Connor said she told him was true and not in any Watcher journal nor things Holtz would have known.”

I shrugged. “Well, we’ve dealt with ghosts before. I don’t know why it surprised me that there are vampire ghosts.”

“To be fair, I think she’s entirely human as a ghost. The demon doesn’t get the soul remember?”

“At this point, I can’t imagine you being anything but gentle with Connor. Maybe that warning was meant more for me.”

“For us all. We’ll worry when he’s stronger. He’s going to come home, Buffy.” Angel turned his big brown eyes on me. So much hope radiated from them I was nearly blinded. “I was afraid to say it but today I feel sure of it.”

“I’m sure you’re right.”

“To _our_ home. He’ll need someone to care for him.” He leveled his gaze at me as if daring me to protest.

“True. We have time to worry about that. He could have Giles’s old ground floor room,” I replied, thinking Connor might prefer to go home with Wes or Nami and her family. Angel wouldn’t want to hear that. Leave that argument for when Connor was out of the woods and ready to come home.

He nodded happily. I sat with him for a while longer. Connor didn’t wake again, and I needed sleep. In the end, I called Dawn to come pick me up.


	20. Angel & Dawn

Chapter Twenty– Angel 

_And he said "That's my job,_  
That's what I do.  
Everything I do is because of you,  
To keep you safe with me.  
That's my job you see." 

**That’s My Job – Conway Twitty**

 

Connor slept through the night and much of the next day without waking again. Buffy and Dawn returned bringing me a change of clothes. He slept through my leaving to change and my coming back again. Willow joined us with coffee cups for all. I think the smell of it woke him up because his eyes opened as soon as the room filled with the rich scent of coffee.

“There you are, son. It’s great to see you with your eyes open.” I patted his hand, forgetting about the holy oil. Luckily someone had sponged him off.

“Ow,” was his simple response.

I squeezed his hand and was shocked when he wrapped his fingers around mine, squeezing back for a second time. I barely found my voice to say, “I’m sure it hurts.”

“How long?” he rasped.

“Three days since you were shot.” I hit the nurse call button.

He blinked slowly and I thought he might go back out on us again but he rallied. “Nami?”

“She’s fine. She brought Father Flanagan to see you,” Buffy said.

“He performed the extreme unctions,” I added and Connor made a soft sound that I couldn’t quite decipher. Relief? Embarrassment? Annoyance?

Buffy wrinkled her nose. “I thought he gave Connor the last rites.”

“Same thing,” I replied.

“I’m texting Nami you’re awake. I’m sure she’d want to know.” Dawn waggled her cell phone for emphasis.

“Thank you.”

“She also brought your medallion and the priest left you a rosary. I took Faith’s ring home for safe keeping,” Buffy said, pointing to the wrist of his injured arm where the religious items were still twined around.

“Thanks,” he replied, his voice thready as he shut his eyes. I thought he was going back to sleep for sure this time but after a moment, he opened them, looking directly at me. So much pain resided within his eyes. I wished I could pull it out of him and make the agony my own.

“We and Nami are looking after Moocher,” Dawn said.

“Good. Three days?” Connor’s face twisted. “Usually heal faster.”

“You were hit six times, and you were dead several times,” I replied, my voice cracking. I took a breath to calm myself. Funny how old habits hang in there. “I think they gave you nearly a dozen units of blood.”

An impish gleam shone in his pain glazed eyes. “Sneak in a taste, did you?”

I snorted, knowing he was joking. “You needed every drop.”

“Ah, Detective Devlin, I see you’re awake,” his nurse said, sailing into his room. She was older, a sandy haired woman named Elsie. “How are you today? How’s your pain on a scale of one to ten?”

“Fifty.”

Elsie smiled. “I believe that. You have a large number of holes in you.” She stepped to the bed and handed him one of the controllers strapped to the bed rails. “Here you go. This button is for your morphine pump.” She pressed it for him, and then turned to us. “I’ll need you to step out for a little bit so me and the aide can get his vitals and check him over.”

“Of course.” I could leave without protest now. Connor spoke lucidly. I was sure he’d live. I could bear having him out of my sight. Several people, including his doctor, went in pushing a large wheeled cart that had several items on it that I had no idea what they did, though one I’m sure was a computer screen. Time slowed, crawling like an old man. Maybe I’d been wrong, and this was the calm before the storm. Maybe he was worse than I thought. The doctor came out smiling. 

“Well, good news Mr. Devlin,” he said, and I didn’t correct him. “Your brother is getting much stronger. We’re going to transfer him to a step-down unit today and maybe by tomorrow he’ll be in a regular room.”

My knees weakened even though this was exactly what I hoped he’d say. “That’s great to hear.”

“Word of warning, he’s already restless. It’ll be days before we’ll think of letting him up and out of bed. He’s rather cranky about it.”

“Connor lives life cranky. We’re used to it.” Buffy rolled her eyes, and Dawn elbowed her.

The doctor snorted. 

“He’s not good with inactivity,” I added, more diplomatically. Buffy rolled her eyes again. “I’ll talk to him. It’s sure to make matters worse.”

The doctor laughed. “You might want to go get some rest, Mr. Devlin. We’ll need time to find a room and move him. You can come back and see Connor when we get him settled.”

“We’ll do that,” Buffy said before I could protest, and I doubted it would do me any good.

“Just let me say goodbye,” I said, and the doctor nodded before taking off. Elsie walked in with me, Buffy, Willow and Dawn.

“I’m going home for a while, Connor. Be good for Elsie.”

“I just want to pee on my own,” he grumbled.

I’d seen the catheter bag on the side of the bed and couldn’t imagine how uncomfortable that was. “I think you won’t be for days yet. Sleep and let yourself heal.”

“Think of good things to take your mind off that,” Dawn suggested.

“Like what?” he grouched. “The sponge bath cliché?”

“Dream on, Detective.” Elsie laughed. “You could try it with your night nurse.”

“His name is Jack, and he has really red hair and a close-cropped beard,” Buffy supplied.

“Is he cute?” Connor asked.

“Very,” Buffy said.

“That’s okay then,” he answered surprising me. Did he mean it? His true sexuality was as much a mystery as everything else in his life, not that it mattered to me if he liked both. 

“Whatever floats your boat. Angel will be back later. Willow and I have to fetch Spike and the ladies from the airport,” Buffy said.

“Later then. Wake me if I’m sleeping.”

I had no intention of doing that. Buffy took me home and hustled me straight to our bed room. Dawn disappeared immediately as if fearing I’d put up a fight she didn’t want to witness. I didn’t. I needed a shower and my bed.

I fell into a dreamless sleep and stayed that was for hours. Wes took me and Dawn back to the hospital. Lindsey and Kate were there with Connor when we arrived. Kate greeted me with a quick supportive hug, taking me by surprise. “Lindsey and I were just about to leave. Connor’s been in and out. He says he’s fine but keeps nodding off.”

“I am fine,” Connor grumbled, always my contrary son.

“You’re full of holes. There’s nothing fine about it,” Kate snapped.

“I’m with Kate. That bastard killed three people and nearly took you,” Lindsey said standing up, giving Dawn his seat. This room was better than the last, bigger with a little TV to entertain Connor. That suggested there was recovery going on and it wasn’t just my imagination combined with wishful thinking.

“What happened with the shooter?” Connor tried to reach the bed table.

Kate pushed his hand down and got the cup with ice chips. She put one to Connor’s lips. He sighed and accepted it, obviously hating having to depend on anyone. “He’s allowed chips, no water,” Kate told us.

“Thanks for the heads up.”

“And you and Nami killed the shooter,” Lindsey said stunning me. Connor’s eyes widened as he sucked on the chip. I knew that the killer was dead but not which of the police had killed the man.

“They did?” Wes asked for me.

“One in the head, one in the heart, amazing given how many times Connor was shot,” Lindsey replied. “They’re not sure which was the kill shot but does it matter?”

“I know they pulled Nami into IAD to investigate the shots,” Kate added.

“Investigate?” Dawn stared. “Shouldn’t they be happy they stopped him?”

“Standard procedure,” Connor lisped around the ice.

Kate nodded, “They’ll eventually come to talk to Connor.”

“Wait? He could be in trouble for defending himself?” Dawn glowered, offended.

“In this case, highly unlikely but they still need to follow procedure,” Kate replied. “It’ll be fine. It’s standard procedure when a cop kills someone.”

“Can’t say… regret it much,” Connor mumbled clanking the ice against his teeth.

“Angel, Wes, let’s take a walk,” Lindsey said. “Let Dawn and Kate visit. I found someone, a Cisteran demon who works for Wolfram and Hart who’s looking for an out. He might know something about what they’re up to.”

“Sounds great. I’ll be back in a few, Connor,” I said, excited to have this lead.

“I have to leave soon, Linds. Can you do your talking in the coffee shop and bring me a cappuccino?” Kate asked.

“Sure.”

“Ooo Wes, can you pick me up one?” Dawn opened her purse and turned over a ten-dollar bill.

“Certainly.”

“Get me one, Wes.” Connor worked up a grin. “I’ll love you forever.”

Wes snorted. “If you aren’t even allowed water, what do you think your chances are of getting caffeine is?” He arched an eyebrow at Connor.

Connor made a face. “So much for loving you.”

“I’ll struggle to endeavor on,” Wes replied.

I smirked at the exchange. It was like a siren screaming Connor would be fine. We followed Lindsey to coffee like he was the light at the end of a very long tunnel.

 

**Same Visit – Dawn**

I took Connor’s hand after the men left, torn between being miffed I’d been excluded and realizing Lindsey didn’t know me well so why should he include me? “Are you going to be a good patient? Elsie says you’re being a bit cantankerous.”

Kate let out a bark of laughter. “You don’t know him well if you have to ask. Would have thought Buffy would have warned you.”

I shrugged. “She did but I’m not sure how unbiased she is.”

“His middle name is cantankerous.” Kate patted his uninjured shoulder.

“Here I thought it was pain in the ass.” Connor smirked.

“That’s your confirmation name.”

Connor made an abbreviated laugh, and then moaned. “Fuck, this hurts. Why does it hurt so much?”

“You were shot six times,” I reminded him.

“Heal like a vampire. Should be better.” 

I gave his hand a squeeze. “You had about a dozen units of blood transfused.”

“Most of it from your fellow police men including Nami and me,” Kate interjected.

“That’s more than twice your body supply. There’s none of your own blood still running through you. Maybe that matters,” I suggested. Now that I said it, I thought it bore some consideration.

“Maybe,” he muttered.

“Well, doesn’t this look cozy?” At the silky, sarcastic tone, I glanced over at the door a perfectly coifed woman and an equally well-dressed man stood there: Lilah and Gunn.

Connor’s fingers convulsed on mine before he pulled free. Kate’s eyes narrowed.

“Lilah, Gunn, what are you two doing here?” Kate’s tone could have frozen a lake.

“We had an incident in our boardroom and were checking in our coworkers,” Gunn replied.

“And we heard our favorite detective was here. We had to stop in and see how you were doing, Connor.” Lilah smirked at him.

He stuck up his middle finger, which considering he had an IV in that arm, it looked particularly defiant.

“You saw him. Time to go.” Kate got up in their face.

I didn’t know these two outside of Angel’s stories, but I started pulling up some spells from memory just in case I needed them.

“Don’t be like that, Kate.” Lilah took a step into the room, her eyes on me. “We haven’t met Connor’s new friend.”

Kate grabbed Lilah’s arm. “Go or I’ll call security.”

“Is there a problem.” An authoritative voice asked from behind the two lawyers where I couldn’t see her, but I recognized Nami’s voice.

“No problem, just leaving.” Gunn pulled Lilah along behind him.

She wiggled her fingers at Connor. Nami watched them go. Her husband had come with her. “What was that about?”

“Probably hoping I died,” Connor said.

“Don’t even think that.” Nami went around the bed and kissed his cheek.

Connor took her hand. “You’ll make Kenji jealous.”

“You’re lucky I don’t kiss you too,” Kenji said.

“Where’s your brother? I’m not used to coming to see you without him glued to the bedside.” Nami let his hand go.

“We sent the men out for coffee,” Kate replied.

“Wouldn’t bring me any.” Connor pouted big enough to land small planes on his lower lip.

“Tragic.” Nami snorted. “It’s so good to hear your voice.” Nami sat down, and I tried to give my seat up to her husband, but he waved me off.

“What are we going to do with our boy, Nami?” Kate asked.

“Baby him forever when he gets out of here,” Nami said, tears leaking down her face.

“You can some home with us and the kids if need be when they release you,” Kenji said.

Connor’s face brightened. “Thanks. I’ll probably need help.”

I wondered if that was true considering he healed like a vampire. In the end, he’d probably have to go with Wes or Xander and Dascha, to someone who knew his secrets. Though, I couldn’t imagine Angel not fighting to keep Connor in his home. He and Buffy had already starting fixing up Giles’s old room with fresh sheets and getting a TV for the dresser. I hoped Angel wouldn’t be disappointed.

I let Nami and Kate do the talking, Nami especially needed to hear her partner’s voice. I would have to tell Angel about Lilah and Gunn’s weird visit. Lorne had seen blood and doom for Connor. Even before it had happened, we wondered if it was the distraction we feared. I suspect they were here seeing if it had worked, bastards. The men came back faster than expected. I guessed Lindsey’s lead was slim.

“Hello counselor,” Nami said. “Angel.”

“Bet he’s smiling now that you’re here, Nami.” Angel grinned.

“Yes, but him smiling is unnerving, so is that a good thing?” Lindsey stifled a chuckle.

Connor scowled so comically I nearly laughed. “I thought you were leaving.”

“See, he’s getting better. He’s grumpy,” Kate said, linking arms with Lindsey. “See you later, Connor. Behave yourself.”

“As if I could do anything else. I can’t even _move_.”

“You can move that mouth and that’s the most dangerous part,” Kate replied, and he gave her the finger too. “Love you,” she called as they left.

“Has he always been a brat, Angel?” Nami asked.

He snorted. “From his first breath.”

“Ass,” Connor huffed. “You two bonded when I was in a coma, didn’t you?”

“Your worst nightmare,” Nami patted his hand.

“Damn straight.” Connor yawned. 

Nami told him to go to sleep. We talked for a while and he drifted off. I half wanted Nami to leave so we could talk shop. She and Angel discussed Connor’s living arrangements while he was out. Angel was likely to get his way if Connor didn’t pitch a fit later. Eventually she and her husband left but Connor didn’t wake so we left him sleeping. Angel was all right with it, shocking me. He obviously trusted Connor to stay alive now. I felt pretty hopeful myself. I finally felt good.


	21. Connor

Chapter Twenty-One– Connor

_The pictures tell the story_  
This life has many shades….  
This one's for my family name  
With pride I wear it to the grave   
**Rose Tattoo – Dropkick Murphys**

 

Everything hurt. It took all I had to not weep as Wes and Buffy drove me home. I shouldn’t hurt so much. I wasn’t healing. Maybe Dawn was right because of the amount of blood I lost. I sure as hell hope so because it scared me more than I wanted anyone to know. I almost said a prayer when Wes parked in front of Angel’s home. I waited for Buffy to come around to help me out of the car. I gasped, falling against her. She steadied me as I dragged in a few ragged breaths. 

She brushed the sweat-dampened hair off my face. “Are you okay?”

“Not really but I’m not going back to the hospital. I’ll be fine now that we’re not bouncing over potholes.” Or so I hoped because I didn’t feel right. I couldn’t escape feeling like something was seriously wrong.

“Okay, let’s get you inside.”

“Do you need help?” Wes ghosted over to my other side.

“Nah, Buffy’s got it. I’m not that unsteady.”

That said I was sweating heavily by the time they got me in the house and to the bedroom. Angel waited there. The bed had been turned down. His happy expression melted into one of horror. He practically flew across the room.

“Did they let you out too soon?” His hand closed over my good arm, and he gently pulled me to the bed. I felt the fine tremor of fear vibrating his fingers. He’d gone from over the moon I consented to be here in his home to terrified something was wrong with me in an instant. I wish I could say he had nothing to fear. Maybe he could scent the weakness in me.

“No, but damn I’m so weak. I feel like I’m a normal human. I’m hoping it’s the whole blood transfusion thing. I don’t feel well. I don’t feel like _me_!” I sat on the edge of the bed, limbs shaking.

“And there’s not exactly too many who could hazard a guess as to why your healing ability is suppressed.” Angel pushed lightly on my good arm, trying to get me to lie back. I obeyed, and he swept up my legs onto the bed.

“Not entirely true,” Wes said. “He’s seen by Watcher doctors, and they’ve done a lot of testing on Connor. Dr. Meyers will come visit him here.”

“You need to ask Jayla to come too. Promised the captain I’d talk to her a.s.a.p.,” I said as Angel took off my shoes.

“Jayla, isn’t she the Watcher psychiatrist? How do you know her?” Buffy made room for Dawn who came in bearing a big cup of water with a straw. She must have gotten the plastic mug from the hospital because it had milliliters marked out on it and a lid with a reusable straw poking out. Ice floated within, and boy did I want that. 

She handed it to me, and I drank greedily before answering. “Buffy, you’ve known me half my life. Have I ever seemed like a vast bastion of sanity?”

She laughed and Angel frowned at her. “Hell no.”

“Exactly. I have definable mental issues that show up in text books. I might not be a Watcher, but Wes lets me use your medical resources. Besides, they like working on me. I’m weird and I’m fairly sure there’s a whole Watcher’s diary dedicated just to me.” I arched an eyebrow at Wes.

“Don’t be egotistical. Your parents are in it too, and the Order of Aurelius.” Wes leaned against the door frame.

“Spike too? Because I’ll never hear the end of it if you forget him.” I rolled my eyes.

“I’m well aware of Spike’s incessant need for attention,” Wes replied, his lips quirking into a crooked grin.

Angel snorted. “Worry about Spike later. Get some sleep, son. You’re pale and shaky.”

“Can’t argue that.”

“I have a fan over there since it gets stuffy in here this time of year.” He pointed to the dresser next to the TV and handed me a remote for the fan. “And the remote for the TV is on the bed stand. This suite has a master bath, so you won’t have far to walk. There’s a zero-grade shower in there.”

“It’s perfect though I’m not allowed to shower yet I don’t think. Thank you for putting up with me.”

“You were always welcome here,” Angel hunched his shoulders, expecting rejection. “I know you might rather have gone with Nami and her family.”

“No, I’m happy here.” The honesty of that shocked even me. “I’d never get rest with the kids, and if I ever start healing normal again, there’d be awkward explanations. Also, I’d end up being her mom’s worry during the day and she’s old. She doesn’t need to be dealing with me. Here there are a bunch of people to cater to my every whim.” I smirked.

“If you think any of us are putting on a nurse’s uniform and giving you a sponge bath, I refer you to your father.” Buffy jerked her thumb at Angel.

“Way to kill a fantasy, Buffy.” I laughed, and then groaned, holding my gut. “Fucking stitches. If you don’t mind, I’m taking Angel’s advice and taking a naah!” I yelped as something hit the bed. Moocher slinked up the mattress sniffing at me suspiciously. I reeked of hospital. “What are you doing here boy besides scaring me?”

“I brought him here,” Dawn said. “He and Killmouski get on fine and yesterday he was riding poor Bainsidhe.”

“My boy is concentrated evil.” I stroked Moocher’s silky fur.

Dawn reached for him. “I’ll take him out.”

“It’s fine. Just leave the door cracked. If he sleeps on my stitches, I’ll call you to get him. Usually he prefers to sleep at the foot of the bed.”

“Okay, we’ll let you sleep but I wanted to show you this.” Buffy tapped a jewelry box on the bed stand. “It’s Faith’s Claddagh and well…Faith. I brought it home once Nami gave you back your medallion. We didn’t trust the Claddagh not to get lost in all the craziness dealing with your care there.”

I reached out and stroked the box. “You told me you had it, remember? Thanks, Buffy, I mean that. I could always get another St Michael’s medallion if it got misplaced if I crashed or something and the nurses had to work on me, but if Faith got lost…” I shuddered, and then pulled myself together. “Actually, I don’t like sleeping with the medallion on, but I can’t get my arm up and behind my neck.”

“Oh, here.” Buffy undid the clasp and put my St. Michael’s in with the ring.

“Thanks.” I stifled a yawn. They took that as a cue and left. I tugged up the sheet, earning an irate meow from Moocher. After I turned on the fan, he moved to the end of the bed, hogging the wind. I fell asleep almost instantly.

I woke up I had to assume hours later, disoriented, not sure what time it was. Angel hadn’t put a clock in the room and god knew where my phone was. I had more pressing needs. I nearly wet myself struggling out of bed, my stitches feeling like they were coming undone with the effort.

After dealing with my screaming bladder, I shuffled out of the bed room. I hoped Lindsey would get here soon. He and I needed to check a few things out. I heard Wes and Dawn talking in the living room. No sounds of Andrew, thank god. I doubted he hung out here often, but he seemed to be interjecting himself into the vision problem. 

“Hey, should you be up?” Buffy asked, getting up from the couch where she’d been watching TV, sitting next to DawnShe grabbed Bainsidhe’s collar before she came to greet me and probably knock me on my ass.

“I’ll get a blood clot or a bed sore or something if I don’t move,” I protested.

“Have a seat. I’m going to put Bainsidhe out.”

“I have the kettle on, Connor,” Wes added.

“Nice.” I sat on the couch next to Dawn as Buffy denied Bainsidhe her desire to say ‘hello, love me’ and marched her out to the backyard.

“Did I interrupt anything important?”

Dawn shook her head. “We’re at a standstill. We were actually discussing my divorce. Chris is getting testy.”

I scowled. I might not know Dawn well yet – and in some ways knew her very well – but I didn’t like seeing her unhappy. “I’m sorry. Glad you have your sister here to help you through, but she’ll probably not be happy I sat here. Is she still upset about you and me?”

Dawn wrinkled her nose, glancing toward where Buffy had disappeared into the back of the house. “Less said about that the better.”

The tea kettle whistled. “Saved by the bell. I don’t want to know about that mess.” Wes popped up and fled.

“Wise man.” I decided to steer the conversation to safer topics. “So, no signs of the cult of Ul-Thur either? Obviously, I know they didn’t find me in the hospital.”

“No, but there have been rumors. Spike is out with Clem looking into it or will be once the sun goes down. He’s been out there the last two days since Angel’s been in no shape to do much.”

No, of course he hadn’t been. He’d been at my side constantly. It killed me to admit it I was happy he’d been there, as if my anger had drained out of me along with my blood, not that I had said as much to him. I knew I should but it was so hard to find the words after all these years of animosity. “I’ll buy Spike a bottle of Jameson.”

“Does he like whiskey? I know he likes beer.”

“Spike drinks anything or I could hand you a couple twenties and you can buy him a carton of smokes for me. Put a nice bow on it.”

She snickered. “I can see it now. You look a little better by the way.” Dawn ghosted her fingers over my cheek.

I might look better but I barely felt it. I knew I sure as hell didn’t smell better. I might not be allowed to shower with all these damn stitches but I could sit down and sponge off some. Should have done so before I wandered out here, stinking up the place. “The potholes and metal construction plates on the way here sapped my will to live. The pain has ebbed now. How are you doing with everything Dawn with the divorce? He’s not been threatening you, has he?” So much for safer topics. I couldn’t help it. The stats for women who end up murdered danced in my mind.

She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. It’s hard though, of course.”

“Naturally.” I wanted to ask if she was staying in New York. Would she come here? But it was none of my business. She’d wonder why I’d care. Hell, I wondered why. I couldn’t be interested in Dawn. Buffy would finish the job on me. But Dawn was like me and that was so rare. It could be that connection could lead to something but screw that, I didn’t _want_ involved. Being with me long term got women dead. Not really, there was no causality, but I felt as if there were. There had to be something to it, right? I’m better with no-strings sex. Kate came closest to being more before Lindsey and even that was just friends with benefits. I’m better with that.

“Can I get you something, Connor?” Dawn broke me out of my misery.

“I’m a little hungry. Lunch?”

She smiled. “Connor, it’s almost seven o’clock. We’ll be having dinner soon.”

My eyes bugged. “I slept the whole day?” No wonder my bladder had felt like Hoover Dam. “I’ll never sleep tonight.”

“I’ll give you some Nyquil.” She laughed. “We have pizza coming soon. I saw you had a couple places on your phone, so I know you like it.”

“Love it. I’m not picky about toppings unless it’s Margherita style. Hot mushy tomatoes, yuck.”

“Wes warned us you’re a weird wee man.”

I glowered at her quite ineffectually. “Not weird.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Sauce is tomato.”

“That’s different.”

“Wes, when did you start putting that much honey and sugar in your tea?” Angel asked as he and Buffy trailed Wes back into the room, interrupting the tomato debate. Wes had a mug with the words ‘There’s a chance this is scotch’ on it. Angel carried a mug of something that I could smell the iron and salt of it. Disgusting.

“Ever since I’ve taken over partial care of a hummingbird.” Wes handed me the mug and Angel’s eyes bugged.

“Smart ass.” I sniffed the tea.

“It’s Earl Grey,” he said.

“Good man. Thank you.” I sipped the tea. “Perfect.”

“Maybe he should have just poured tea into the sugar bowl.” Angel smirked.

“Just drink your blood and hush.”

He snorted at me. “You’re getting feisty. I’ll take that as a good sign.”

“Probably.” 

“I’ll turn the attitude back on you. Drink your hummingbird juice and just rest.”

“I will, and in case Wes didn’t mention it – or maybe I forgot to mention it to him because my brain is pretty mushy right now – Kate and Lindsey will be popping over tonight. I have some business with him.”

Angel blinked. “What sort of business? You’re barely able to stay awake.”

“Trust me, it’s important and needs doing sooner rather than later. Sorry to invite them here without asking you first.” I took a drink of tea. Wes always made it perfect. “Mmmm, caffeine. I swear half my shakes were caffeine withdrawal.”

“That I believe,” Buffy said. “I’ve seen you drink. And really what is your fascination with Lindsey? It can’t be just to annoy Angel.”

I waved her off with my bad arm, regretting it immediately. Why in the name of God did I still hurt this much? It had been over a week since I was shot. Normally I’d be healed by now without even a scar to remember it by. “It was never about that. Lindsey was honest with you the other day. He wanted to know me because of Darla. In turn, I wanted to learn about Mom, and he did know her if only briefly.”

“He knew her when she was human again and after Drusilla turned her a second time,” Angel said, the heaviness of his voice settled in my chest, like I needed that. Hell, my lungs were heavy enough without it. 

“I know that part too. I’m curious why she left him and Lilah alive when you locked them in with all those Wolfram and Hart lawyers, which was a pretty Angelus move for someone who wasn’t him at the time.” I narrowed my eyes at him.

Angel looked away, setting his mug aside as if he lost his appetite. “Wolfram and Hart was trying to turn me into him, which Lindsey probably told you.” I nodded so he continued, “They nearly succeeded, which is all you need to know.”

“I figured I had to be conceived soon after that.” I grimaced, thinking I probably should have kept my mouth shut about it. It literally made Angel diminish as he hunched up. “It’s math I shouldn’t have done because I didn’t need to know that part.”

“No, you didn’t.” He turned his back on me, ashamed.

I let it go at that. “He also told me he hit you with his truck, said it was pretty damn cathartic.”

“Connor.” Dawn nudged me.

“Just repeating what Lindsey said.” I shrugged, groaning a little. I needed to remember all these damn stitches. At the worried looks fastened to me, I smirked. “Might have looked into buying an F-150.”

Angel whipped back around, eyeing me. He picked up his dinner again, the bad mood lifting. “It didn’t work out as well as Lindsey might have led you to believe.”

“Still was probably fun especially when the sledgehammer came into play.”

“Do you two just sit around talking about Angel all the time?” Buffy tossed herself into a chair.

“It was a long trip to Oklahoma.” 

“You went to Oklahoma?” Angel asked it as if I had said I went to the moon.

“It was a family thing that his sister asked him to. I went for moral support. Father always wanted me to grow up on a ranch so I thought, why not go, see Oklahoma, see a functioning ranch or two, support Lindsey.” It had certainly not been a trip I had imagined for myself but at the time, I’d been excited for it.

“How’d that turn out?” Angel also sat down, curious now. 

“I never have to see Oklahoma again.”

Dawn laughed. “That bad?”

“Not my favorite place. I liked his family but I can see why Lindsey ran screaming. He doesn’t fit in at all. Father would have. They’re all pretty religious. I did like the ranch though. Loved the goats.”

Wes chuckled as Buffy rolled her eyes. “Of course, that’s the farm animal you bonded with. Evil like you.”

I gave her the finger, laughing. “Shut up. Horses were pretty cool too. Lindsey taught me to ride.”

“And in a few years, you two are going to retire to Nashville and make it big, right?” Dawn patted my knee.

“They do make a good couple.” Buffy beamed.

“Our babies would have the bluest eyes ever,” I agreed, making her smile more broadly.

“While you make an excellent point, I don’t want grandbabies that bad.” Angel wagged his finger.

I laughed as someone rang the doorbell. The pizzas were everything I could have prayed for after all that hospital food. I managed to sow down three pieces that I would probably regret sooner rather than later. I guess I was lucky to be able to eat real food instead of a protein drink or something. The bullet hadn’t torn my stomach at least. I tried to get up to help take my plate back. Dawn told me to sit my butt down, and she took my plate. I still tried to get my feet under me.

“Connor, we have this,” Wes said.

“Not that. I need the bathroom.”

Angel helped me up. I shuffled back to my room and the pain rose higher. The elastic on my boxers rubbed the mess of stitches between my belly button and hip. A few inches the other way and my bladder or worse would have been hit. I thought I heard the doorbell again. I washed up, gathered up the bag of things the nurses had given me for dressing changes and went back out to see Lindsey and Kate had arrived.

I barely made it back to the couch. I didn’t want to sit back down but I had no real choice. I couldn’t even control my descent. I groaned softly as I hit, bringing Angel over to me like he was somehow attached to my hip. 

“We brought what you asked for.” Kate held up a UV light bulb. “Wes, want to help me get the curtains, if you don’t mind, Angel.”

“I have no idea what’s going on but do what you have to.”

She pulled the curtains with Wes’s help darkening the room, and then put in the UV light into one of the lamps on the end tables on either side of the couch. 

“This takes me back to the Seventies,” Angel muttered.

“Do I want to know what you were doing then?” I asked, and Kate turned the light back off momentarily, leaving only the other end table lamp to illuminate the room.

“Not really.”

“Did you have bell bottoms?” I persisted.

“I cannot imagine that.” Dawn snickered and Buffy nodded her agreement.

“You _really_ don’t want to know,” Angel said as I started to try to remove my shirt. Lindsey unbuttoned his. Angel glanced between us. “I thought you were joking about the baby thing.”

“Mind out of the gutter, Dad.” I rolled my eyes. “Okay, I can’t undress myself here. A little help?”

Dawn helped me out of the T-shirt before Angel could. Was that a curl of smoke trickling out of Buffy’s ear at that? I leaned forward and took the bandage scissors out of the bag. 

“I’m going to need help getting my bandages off too.”

“Why are you doing that? Don’t they have nurses coming to the house for you?” Angel looked ready to flutter around clucking in worry and I’d have to smack him which would be ineffectual at best.

“Probably but I need to check something so help please.” I handed the scissors to Wes who I oddly trusted more than Angel when it came to this. I expect Angel to freak out. I hadn’t fully seen the wounds myself as the nurses had been cagy about changing the dressings so maybe I’d lose it too.

“That still doesn’t explain why Lindsey is undressing,” Buffy said. “Or the Seventies ambiance.”

“You’ll see. I want to be sure my tattoos are okay.”

“Really? Is that important? And it doesn’t explain Lindsey,” Buffy said.

“Other than he has some pretty impressive ink,” Dawn said surveying Lindsey’s torso.

“You have no idea just how impressive,” I said. “Besides I wanted to be sure my dogs didn’t get their cute little faces blown off.”

“We’ll know in a second.” Wes disposed of the dressings from my arm into the bag that had been tucked inside the bigger bag. My biceps looked like something out of a horror picture and the knot work had taken a beating but the dog triskele was fine. 

“They do have cute little faces.” Dawn pressed the soft pad of her finger against one of the heads. 

“Yeah. I’ll have to check the rest. Wes, if you don’t mind.” I held my arms out the best I could, and he cut the rest of the bandages off my chest and abdomen. Angel made a strangled noise when he saw the roadmap of suture lines running over me. I swore under my breath. This wasn’t good, so much worse than I imagined. “Kate, turn the light back on.”

She turned off the regular light and flipped the switch on the UV one. I glowed like it was the peak party time at a rave. 

Dawn gasped, unashamedly running her finger over my lower arm where the knot work was outlined in UV reactive ink. “I’ve never seen UV tatts before. I mean I’ve heard of them but wow.”

“UV ink? Can that be safe?” Buffy asked.

“No one knows but I’m unlikely to get cancer, with my healing abilities.” I pressed a finger against the steri-strips over the sutures on my chest. They were crusted with blood. “Normally. Damn, these are still leaking. _What_ is wrong with me?”

“Your hidden tattoo matches Lindsey’s. Now I get why he’s shirtless,” Dawn said. “But I don’t get why you two have matching tatts. That is a little weird.”

“Lindsey’s tattoo is magical. It hides him from cameras and security systems,” Angel said, a hint of bitterness. I knew Lindsey had used his to fuck with Angel.

“But you _hate_ magic,” Buffy told me.

“I do, but I’d hate getting caught taking out a demon that looks human and it gets captured on CCTV. With my luck, my coworkers would be on my ass for it. CCTV is everywhere these days,” I replied. “I need to be sure that the tattoo is completely unbroken so help me compare it to his.”

“It’s broken here.” Lindsey gestured to a tiny missing piece on my chest.

“And here.” Dawn tapped my arm above the suture line.

“Well fuckety fuck. This will have to be redone.” I sighed.

“And it’s so expensive.” Lindsey scowled.

“That too.”

“Maybe you should have Willow learn how,” Kate suggested.

“Mmm, yeah or better yet, Dawn. She’s an artist,” I said.

Her crystalline eyes brightened. “I’d be fascinated to learn something like this. Do you think they’d teach me?”

“I have no idea, but they aren’t the easiest or purest of mages, just saying,” Lindsey replied. 

“I’m not sure I could tattoo someone, but I’m interested. You could ask them whenever you go to get this repaired,” Dawn said. 

I nodded. “There’s more to it on our backs. Need to check that too.” I leaned forward, trying to get the energy to stand the hell back up. Nope, it wasn’t in me.

Before I could ask for help, Buffy made a derisive noise, ticking a finger against my good shoulder. “You’re such an ass that you actually tattooed it to yourself.”

Dawn wrinkled her nose. “What are you talking about?”

“Whenever I’m fighting with Angel, she’s always asking me, do I know who I am, as if I could forget.” My voice was more bitter than hops, but I couldn’t help it. I pushed forward more to Dawn could read the UV words across my shoulder. _I know who I am_.

“And you….” Buffy snapped the words off, clamping her jaw shut. If I didn’t look so pathetic at the moment she probably would have slugged me.

“Can’t stand up.” I held out a hand, ignoring her anger. I knew what came next would change everything. “Dad, can you help me?”

“Of course.”

Tenderly, he lifted me to my feet. I managed to stand. Buffy’s breath caught. Angel’s fingers convulsed on my arm. The UV light illuminated what was inked in script across the small of my back. _I am Angel’s Son_.

“You have Angel’s tattoo,” Buffy whispered.

And so, I did, right under the words. “I’ve _always_ known who I am, Buffy,” I said, trying to ignore the fact Angel wept seeing those tattoos. He had let my arm go and I had to painfully move my stance to keep on my feet. “Is the cloaking tattoo okay?”

“Looks fine,” Lindsey replied after a moment.

“Good. I need to sit. We’ll have to bandage me up.” I glanced over at Wes. “Can you do that? I think Angel’s lost it.”

“Of course,” Wes said, helping me back down. Angel left the room. I doubted he’d be gone long. Buffy followed him.

I leaned forward, letting Wes, with Kate’s help, put the bandages on my back. Angel returned, more together this time. I struggled with looking at him because the pain of everything echoed on in my heart. Dawn, maybe not wanting to look Angel’s way either, kept her eyes on me. She tapped on my side touching the glowing outline of a shield of blue that bore two yellow stars over a yellow crescent moon.

“What is this on the castle? It looks like a coat of arms. Do you even know Angel’s surname?” She made a face. “I’m not sure I know it.”

“I know it.”

“That’s not mine,” Angel said, his voice ragged. “It’s Holtz’s.”

“That’s so wrong.” Buffy’s tone made me wince.

Angel shook his head. “It’s not. He raised Connor, for better or worse. I don’t blame him for acknowledging that. I know you loved him, Connor.”

“It’s complicated,” I said. “He was the only one I trusted for the first half of my life. No matter what else he was, he was the only father I knew growing up. What he did once we returned here…no, I don’t want to talk about that right now. It’ll make me cry and that’ll make my stitches pull. I don’t want that.”

“Of course not. You don’t owe any explanations,” Angel said, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

I couldn’t tell him Holtz made that same gesture often only his hand been warm. “I do but now is not the time.”

“Then talk about something else, like why do you have numbers by Cordy and Amber Rose’s names on your back,” he said.

Obviously, he had seen their names and numbers by the birds flying over the tree of life centered in my back. I shook my head. “I will but not tonight.”

“I was going to ask about Faith’s tattoo that you have right here but that might make you sad too,” Dawn said pointing to the replica of Faith’s tatt under the castle on my side.

“That’s fine.”

“Why does it look so odd, so broken?” Dawn traced the path of the tattoo making my skin twitch. I should tell her I was ticklish but for some reason I didn’t want the others to know.

“Where’s my phone?” 

Everyone stared at me for that non sequitur.

“I have it. I didn’t want people bothering you.” Angel patted his pocket.

He must have gotten better with them over the years since he hadn’t lost or broken it by now. “I need it, please. And there’re probably a thousand texts I need to return.”

“Worry about it when you’re stronger,” Angel replied but he surrendered my phone.

I clicked on an app, and then ran it over the tattoo. Faith’s voice broadcasted out of my phone, happy, sultry. “I love you, Connor.”

Dawn sat back. Angel and Buffy jumped. She covered her mouth. 

“Oh god, what was that?” Dawn’s eyes were wide as a doe’s.

“It’s a sound wave tattoo,” I said. “It’s pretty high tech. The reason the tattoo looks broken is because of the sound wave, which the app reads like a barcode and you hear the message.”

“Is that sweet or creepy?” Buffy whispered.

“Yes,” I replied. Some days I do regret getting that tattoo but there were other days when I absolutely _needed_ to hear Faith’s voice. 

“I got a tattoo because I knew it would piss off my father,” Angel said. Big shocker, he got along with his dad about as well as I got on with him. Maybe he ought to think about the common denominator there – or were we family of assholes? “Yours tell the story of your life.”

“They do. It’s why I got them, well most of them. I just really like Celtic knot work too and my dogs are cute so there’s that.”

“Not to interrupt but do you think you can hold your arm up? I need to dress it and your torso,” Wes said.

“I think so. I’m trying not to lean back on the couch because the wounds want to ooze,” I said and Angel took my wrist, holding my arm steady for Wes. I relaxed into it because it was so much easier. As Wes worked, I asked, “Did someone get some more clothes for me out of my place?”

“Dawn and I did,” Kate said. “Got some of those cut off sweat-pants shorts because I figured that would be soft on all those stitches. Brought your laptop too. Angel confiscated it.”

“I didn’t want him thinking he could work. I want him to rest,” Angel said.

“I’m not going to work…much.” I hissed as Wes pressed a little too hard affixing the bandage over my chest. “There’re pictures on it of my travels if you want to see them. Faith’s in a lot of them.”

Angel looked as happy as Bainsidhe at treat time. “You don’t mind?”

Of course, he was shocked at the offer but what the hell, right? I was too tired and weak to stay angry. It was past time to set my anger aside. “If I did, I wouldn’t have said anything. And thanks, Kate, Dawn. I appreciate it.”

“There, that’s the last of them,” Wes said.

“There’s technically too more.” I pointed to my hip. “But the cloaking tattoo isn’t there so let’s just leave them be for now. Thanks for coming, Lindsey.”

“No problem. I’ll make contact with the mages. It’ll probably take weeks, but you probably won’t be in shape for a while.”

“No. And on that note, I’m going back to bed, no Nyquil needed.” I shot that to Dawn. “I’m exhausted.”

Angel helped me up without me asking. I left Wes to deal with disposing of the used dressings, and I felt bad about that. I didn’t have the energy to help. Angel walked with me to the bedroom and in spite of me fussing at him, tucked me into the bed. God, it felt so good compared to the thin hospital mattress. I was out before he left the room.


	22. Connor

Chapter Twenty-Two – Connor

_I miss the bad things_  
The way you hate me  
I miss the screaming  
The way that you blame me   
**I Miss the Misery – Halestorm**

 

I slept on and off most of the day, keeping to the bedroom for most of it until an hour or so before dinner when I ventured out to the living room because I absolutely needed tea and a little company. Willow and Iris worked with Dawn and Wes in the corner trying to unravel whatever it was Wolfram and Hart wanted based on a few new clues from Dru and Clem’s bar crowd. Nothing like talky demons I guess. I wasn’t sure why they weren’t in the study or something and I had a suspicion it was to keep an eye on me if I appeared. I’d been forbidden to help so I stretched out on the couch binge watching _Star Trek: Voyager_ hoping there wasn’t a little line of drool forming as I watched Seven and B’Elanna. At least Xander and Andrew weren’t around because they’d insist on watching with me. They’d never miss the attraction and I’d never hear the end of it.

Eventually – as Dawn and Willow went to cook dinner – Angel stumbled down the stairs. He’d run a brush through his hair but it wasn’t the weird 80s style he’d been wearing it in. Buffy probably helped him with that. I wasn’t sure where she was. He sat next to me on the couch getting pretty brash at this point. He was confident we’d turned a corner. I wasn’t sure what the hell might be in my heart. Was I here only because I needed help? I did feel different. 

Then again, I also felt pretty shitty physically. My chest slowly grew heavier as the day wore on. I was getting close to asking to go back to the hospital. Instead, I had texted Dr. Meyers an hour ago. She couldn’t make it here until late but she was planning on coming. I’d let her pull the trigger on whether or not I needed to go back.

“How are you?” he asked after a moment’s hesitation as if running scenarios through his head and picking the one least likely to set me off. 

“In pain and bored, _so_ bored. They won’t let me help.” I inclined my head to Iris and Wes.

“Your only concern is to heal.”

The Powers that Be must agree with Angel because I haven’t had a vision since I’d been shot. Good! Even better, I hadn’t had a night terror either. 

“You look….” Angel cocked his head, studying me with the intensity inborn in predators. “You sure you’re okay? You look paler than yesterday, and your heart beat is racing.”

I sighed. Of course, he’d notice. He’d been living inside my skin since it happened. “Dr. Meyers is coming later today. I texted her. I thought she should have a look at me since she knows me well.”

“All right. I’m glad you did that because you’re ghost white.”

Before I could muster a response, the front door opened and Buffy came in with a floral arrangement in one hand and a bouquet of fruit in the other. She nudged the door shut with a toe as Angel popped up to help her.

“I swear the delivery people just drop stuff and run without even ringing the bell. These are yours of course, Connor,” she said.

I had a lot of floral arrangements and potted plants at this point, many from people who appreciated Nami and I working the case that impacted their lives. “Put it wherever you’d like but bring that fruit here, please.”

She swung close with it. It was a yummy looking Edible Arrangement and the skewers of pineapple and strawberries screamed my name. 

“Oh no, you don’t. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes,” Willow said, peeking out from the kitchen.

I managed to snare a skewer before Buffy could carry it on into the kitchen. “Never worry about my appetite, Willow.”

“True words,” Wes muttered from where he worked.

I lipped a sweet chunk of pineapple, feeling better in an instant. I shared with no one. They could have some from the arrangement for dessert. This skewer of sweet heaven was all mine. Angel took the skewer from me when I was done, as if nervous for me to have a tiny stake in hand. 

Dinner proved to be pesto gnocchi and rich buttery garlic bread. Buffy might not be much of a cook but Dawn and Willow knew a little something. I paced myself on the gnocchi knowing how those delicious potato dumplings could sit like bowling balls in the stomach. Willow made some chai for us all and the ginger certainly helped the after-meal heaviness.

After dinner, Angel took up residence on the seat next to me again. “Would now be a good time to tell me about the numbers on your back?”

No, it wasn’t. There wasn’t going to be one. This was going to fucking hurt so might as well get it over with. Now that he’d seen the tatts, Angel wasn’t going to let this go. “It goes back to Dawn’s question a while back.”

“What does?” She topped off my tea mug and sat on the chair, not in a hurry to rejoin the study group. Buffy sat on the love seat, stroking Bainsidhe who’d been let back in after dinner. 

“The numbers next to Cordy and Amber Rose’s names. You asked me about having kids since it’s pretty obvious when I’m with Nami’s kids, I enjoy them.”

“Extremely,” Dawn agreed.

“I had one child with Cordelia if you want to call Jasmine that. Regardless of what Jasmine was, she felt like my child.” I sipped the tea, and then tried to set it on the table because my hands had begun to shake. 

Angel helped me. “But the five?”

“Amber Rose was older than me, I know, big surprise.” Nothing in my life had changed about that preference. “We’d come off a summer abroad in Ireland. I went back to my sophomore year, and she balanced her senior year with a part time internship with a law firm, which should have made her application to law school later in the year much easier. We were thrilled because it was a very prestigious law firm. Of course, the name meant nothing to me.”

“Wolfram and Hart,” Angel growled, his fingers balling into fists.

I nodded. “They substituted her birth control pills with fertility drugs.”

“Oh god.” Dawn covered her mouth.

“When Witherington killed her, Amber Rose was a few weeks pregnant with quintuplets.” I gritted my teeth. I didn’t want to talk about this or remember any of this horror but maybe it needed out there. “It’s why I’m so paranoid about Wolfram and Hart. They’ve messed with me more than once. That whole ‘this is cozy crack’ Lilah made about you being in my hospital room, Dawn, has my back up.”

“Mine too now!” Buffy snarled, leaning forward, nearly squashing Bainsidhe’s head which was on her lap.

“And it’s what broke me. I couldn’t handle the reality of what I lost and my adoptive father had me committed for a few weeks to get a handle on it.” I scrubbed my knuckles across my eyes. “I didn’t even realize at the time that I wasn’t even old enough to drink yet and I’d lost six of my children and two women I loved.”

No one moved or said anything. Angel had gone the color of a decomposing corpse. He stood stiffly and stalked out of the room.

“Angel,” Buffy called after him. She nudged Bainsidhe aside so she could stand.

“Let him go,” I said, my voice ragged.

“But you need…”

I held out a hand to her. “I lost my children a long time ago, Buffy. Angel just lost them.”

She crossed to me, wiping tears from my cheek. “No wonder you’re so closed off. I’m sorry.”

I sighed, pressing my cheek against her hand. “Thank you.”

Angel reappeared in the doorway, his hands shaking. “Why would you never have told me?”

“I didn’t think you’d want to know.” I knew now it wasn’t true. I’d suspected it for years but when I first got my memories back I believed that whole heartedly.

Emotions played across his face, warring with each other, grief, disbelief, anger. I think anger was winning. “How could you say that? What did I ever do to make you think that? I don’t understand. All this anger, where is it coming from?”

I gazed at him, sorrow balling up in my chest. The pain had no end to it. “That’s the first time you’ve asked me that. I’ve been waiting so long for that.”

We locked eyes, neither of us breaking it. Finally, he said, “I’m sorry for that. Maybe that should have been the very first thing I said when your memories came back.”

“Everyone was more interested in blaming me for being upset,” I replied, noting that everyone watched us, unable to look away. Angel blanched at my words but didn’t protest. “You gave me away, Angel.”

“What?” he whispered.

I staggered to my feet, knowing it was a mistake. Everything about this conversation was a mistake. It wasn’t the time, but I couldn’t stop now. Buffy backed away from me as I tried to walk closer to Angel but only managed a step. “You threw me out.”

“I did not! You don’t understand.” He walked toward me, pulling up short as he caught the expression on my face.

“What? You killed me and had Wolfram and Hart bring me back, completely rewritten. I had no idea about Holtz or any of the horror of my childhood. I didn’t remember being raised to hate you. You could have made me one of the group and I would have been _happy_ to be here because I would never have known better. But you didn’t. You did a terribly dangerous thing. You gave me to normal people. What other explanation could there be than no one wanted me around? Even purged of the prejudice and hate I was raised on, I was the unwanted child.” 

Wes opened his mouth to say something, and then clamped it shut. He sensed it was too late for whatever he had to say.

“I knew the others didn’t like me. Everyone loved me as a baby. They wanted that baby back but they were stuck with me and all the trauma of growing up in Quor-Toth. They were trapped with the kid who didn’t know this world, who didn’t know how to act like a good little human. And they weren’t shy about saying so. Lorne was pretty blunt about how much he loved baby me but was terrified of me as a teen, and to be fair he should have been. Gunn hated I wouldn’t obey him and play his sidekick. He thought I was weird. Fred was never going to forgive me for hurting you.

“I get that your little band didn’t want me around but it still _hurts_ that no one tried to keep me. Hell, you had their brains rewritten too. They didn’t know me. They could have been made to like me again. But you didn’t do that. You got rid of me like a sack of rotten meat, put me where I could hurt people by accident.” My throat ached from the shouting, from the nerve-constricted tightness of it. Angel’s eyes welled. Mine were beyond controlling the tears. “What if I had gotten angry and hurt my kid sister? Or hit my dad because that happens all the time with families? What if I got into a bar room fight because I had no idea I have superhuman strength? And it happened! I will always have to live what happened because I didn’t know not to hit him like I did. Witherington isn’t worth worrying about but my subconscious doesn’t get that message. The nightmares never leave me for long. They’re right there with the realization I’m so unwanted it was easier to make me someone else’s problem than to deal with me.” 

I barely got that last out, my voice thin, almost a wail. I forgot to worry about the house being bugged and admitting that I killed Witherington. Angel shook as hard as I did. He made no moves to wipe away his tears. “You’re wrong,” was all he said.

Rage tore through me so hard and fast I barely contained it. I wanted to strike him so much it frightened me. “Really? You have another scenario that fits the evidence at hand? No one wanted me, simple as that.”

“It _killed_ me to give you away. You wanted a rest, do you remember that?” His voice cracked. 

“Angel wouldn’t want you to fight,” Buffy said.

I shook my head. “I didn’t mean…all I know how to do is fight. A rest yes but this…” I couldn’t go on. My chest ached like someone had parked a tank on me. I held in a sob, partly pain partly deep anguish but it ended in a cough. Once started, the coughing wouldn’t stop. I nearly fell, managed to get down onto the couch. “Something’s wrong,” I rasped between ragged coughs. 

“I smell blood.” Angel took hold of my arm trying to steady me.

The coughing worsened and something inside me moved. I got my hand in front of my mouth, but it wasn’t adequate to stem the flow of blood pouring out of me. It splashed on the coffee table. The blood kept coming, my chest heaving. Something metallic hit my hand. 

“Bullet fragment,” I whispered, rolling it in my fingers. It gleamed greenish black, something slick and ugly that could not have been made by a living body not even one as unnatural as mine. “What is that?” I started coughing harder.

Wes took the fragment from me. “Get him to the hospital, Angel. I’ll investigate this. There’s nothing in the body that should make that color, at least not in the lungs. Willow, can you and Iris help?”

“Of course.”

Dad picked me up like a toy, carrying me to the front door. His finger gripped tight right over sutures to keep me from coughing myself out of his arms. I moaned but couldn’t squirm free. Buffy threw the front door open, startling Nami who was poised there, ready to ring the doorbell. I hadn’t been expecting her but wasn’t tremendously surprised to see she had come to visit again.

“Oh God, what’s wrong?” She back pedaled.

“He coughed up a piece of bullet. They must have missed it. We need to get him to the hospital,” Buffy said.

“Get him in my car,” Nami insisted. “I have an emergency lights and siren.”

Dawn opened the back door of Nami’s car and Angel managed to stuff himself inside without banging me up. This was not the car she used to take her family around; it was our work vehicle. Nami popped the magnetic bubble light on the roof.

“We’ll follow you,” Dawn said.

I clung to Angel because I didn’t know what else to do. Oddly I was feeling better, like the heaviness had shifted. I must have been bleeding inside and the heavy was from the blood pooling. Nami and Angel talked over me. I drifted in and out. I don’t remember arriving at the hospital.


	23. Angel

Chapter Twenty-Three -Angel 

_I think I need help_  
'Cause I'm drowning in myself  
It's sinking in, I can't pretend  
That I ain't been through hell  
I think I need help   
**Help – Papa Roach**

 

Connor had been brought back from the OR much faster this time, no ICU. They installed him in a regular room where I waited with Buffy and Dawn and of course, Nami who wasn’t going to go anywhere. Connor had roused himself a couple times, but the anesthetic kept dragging him under. He was at least stable, but the doctor said he might need to be transfused again. None of us spoke much, listlessly watching a cooking show on the tiny TV. Occasionally the women said something to each other, but I was lost in my own misery.

I had answers now. All these years of anger and rejection because he thought I didn’t want him. He had lived these past two decades feeling unwanted and that killed me inside, knowing he couldn’t escape the idea he’d been thoroughly rejected by everyone. I think he had to have realized as time went by that wasn’t true, but he couldn’t let go of all that anger. Had I made a mistake in letting him go? Of course, I had. Trusting Wolfram and Hart had been another huge error. Hell, I could have stopped Connor in that mall without killing him. I had him down, but it had gotten so out of control that it was over so fast without any thought, me acting on instinct and Lilah’s promises made before I had gone after him had rang in my head. Connor was right about the danger he represented to a normal family. 

It was too late to change any of it. Maybe once he woke up from this, he would forgive me. If he didn’t, I guess in most ways my life wouldn’t change. He would go back to work. We’d carry on. I wanted more. Darla’s warning about Venice echoed in my brain. She was probably right and I had done the opposite, bulldozing over everything. 

“Angel.” 

Wes’s voice from the doorway startled me. I twisted around to see him standing there with a pack of women: four of the L.A. area Slayers for some reason I couldn’t fathom, Dascha and a woman I didn’t know standing with them. I stood. “Wes, what is it?”

“We just wanted to see how he was doing,” Wes said. “This is Dr. Meyers. Sonia, this is Nami Asakura, Connor’s partner. I believe you wanted to talk to her.”

“Oh?” Nami raised her eyebrows.

The woman I didn’t know, Dr. Meyers, nodded. “If you don’t mind, could we talk in the hall?”

“Of course.”

I had no idea what Meyers could want of Nami but before I could ask, she followed Meyers out. Wes crossed the room, looking down at Connor. “We did some testing and put it together with something Clem said he heard Gwen Raiden had been trying to locate.”

I sighed, sagging back into my chair. I had always hoped Gwen would go straight but that had never happened. “What are you thinking?”

“Willow, Iris, and I hypothesize that you’re right. Connor’s shooting is part of the distraction, Wes replied. I had already been sure of that myself.

“Could the shooting have been orchestrated?” Buffy asked.

“I believe so. It wouldn’t take much to find a maniac happy to shoot cops. If Connor hadn’t been assigned to the case, Lorne still would have called us. Connor and Angel both might have shown up. What makes us certain is it’s very likely from the tests and from Clem’s information, that the bullets were coated with _Interfector Mortis_.”

I nearly toppled out of the chair. _Not the Killer of the Dead, please not my son._ I remembered all too well how horrible that poison was. No wonder Connor had felt so bad. Could he die of this? Would the cure work on a hybrid like him? The idea that it couldn’t make me shake. “Are you sure?”

“No, but it’s a reasonable assumption. If you had been shot, and we figured it out, the antidote is married to you.” Wes smiled. “Not that much risk to whatever Wolfram and Hart’s end game is for you.”

“But Connor isn’t a vampire,” Buffy said.

“He has some of the genetic material of one,” Wes said.

“Might be…why I didn’t heal,” Connor said, making us all jump.

Oh, so he was either awakened by Wes’s arrival or had been playing opossum for a while which would be easier mentally than dealing with everything that happened earlier. 

“That explains the Slayers.” I gestured to them. 

“Meyers came along to distract Nami and to smooth the way for a direct transfusion. I didn’t think drinking Slayer’s blood would help Connor, but a transfusion might. Provided he responds at all.”

Connor made a derisive noise. “So positive. Let’s start with the transfusion but if it has to go in me another way….”

“Transfusion first.” Buffy stood. “Starting with me.” 

“Thanks,” Connor mumbled, and I echoed it. 

I watched her file out with the other Slayers. Wes sat with me and Dawn for a while. Nami returned and had uncomfortable words with me. She had known instinctively that Connor’s distress wasn’t all from coughing up a bullet. Eventually, I sent Wes and Dawn to take the Slayers home. Even their bodies might be affected by giving up a pint of blood. Connor slept through most of it. 

I knew the moment the first IV bag of Slayer’s blood came on the floor. I swore I scented it from the second the elevator doors opened. I couldn’t say it was Buffy’s but there was something about Slayer’s blood that was different from all others. I hadn’t known that until Spike in China. Oh, I had heard the rumors. Even seeing its effect on Spike, I had no idea just how euphoric it was until my own brush with the Killer of the Dead.

Connor woke up as the nurse jabbed his arm with the needle and left the bag swinging on the IV tree. Nami stood up and brushed his cheek.

“I was hoping you’d wake up again. I need to go.”

“You could have left. It’s fine.” He smiled at her.

Nami side-eyed me. “I wanted to see if you were okay on your own. Your brother confessed you were fighting. You know you can come back with me when they release you.”

I wasn’t surprised by her offer, though it hurt. She had guessed something had happened, probably based on my face or Connor’s when she had first arrived at my home, and confronted me with it. I refused to lie to the person Connor trusted above all others.

He shook his head. “I know, but it’s fine. We finally cleared up ancient misunderstandings.” Connor yawned, fighting the remains of anesthesia. “It’s all good.”

“Okay, but my offer stands.”

“Thanks. Go get some rest, Nami. I know it’s late.”

She squeezed his hand, shot me a warning look, but left without another word. I pulled my chair closer to Connor’s bed, trying hard not to look at that bag of blood. If I looked, I’d lose concentration. 

“If you want to go with your partner, you can. I’ll understand,” I said, wondering if that was a mistake. Would he see that as me not holding onto him? I remembered those broken words so many years ago now in that horrible mall. _You never hold on. You always let me go._ “But I want you to stay.” Yes, I definitely needed to add that if only for my own peace of mind.

Connor shut his eyes. “I want to come home.”

I couldn’t hold back a hiccupping a sob. I pressed a hand to my lips. “We’ll have the room ready. I don’t want to get back on the topic because it’ll just upset us both, but I am sorry. I did what I thought best. I made a mistake.”

“And I didn’t have to let it go on so long.” He sighed, and then struggled to smile as if trying to lighten the mood. “Hey, Dad.”

“Yes?”

“Quit side eyeing my blood bag.”

“I’m not!” I shot him an offended look even though I absolutely had been.

He snorted. “I saw you.”

“Can’t help it,” I muttered. 

“This better work because I don’t want to have to drink that.” He eyed the bag. “I’ll be fighting you for it.” He flashed a weak smile.

“I’ll let you win.” I smiled back, and then turned on my seat. I smelled the tobacco stench before Spike knocked on the door frame. 

He swaggered in with Dru in tow. I wondered where Mary Ellen was. Giving blood? “What the hell happened? A guy goes to sleep for a few hours and wakes up to find all hell broke loose again.”

“They shot Connor with poisoned bullets. He coughed up a piece of it, a piece they missed. The doctor said it had migrated deep in the lung, into a part they hadn’t used the fluoroscope over,” I said as Dru inched her away across the room. Her eyes never left the hanging bag of blood.

“What the hell is a fluoroscope?” Spike licked his lips, also eyeing Connor and the IV tree like he was a seafood buffet in Vegas. “And is that what I think it is?”

“It’s rubies and sunlight. It sings to me.” Dru reached out to stroke the bag.

“Angel….” Connor caught her questing hand but could barely hang on.

“Dru, get away from there,” I got to my feet so I could tug her away. She pouted at me. “They coated the bullets with the Killer of the Dead. We think it’s what has kept Connor weak and not healing.”

“So that _is_ Slayer’s blood.” Spike’s eyes lit up. “Mary Ellen got the call that the Slayers were donating. She’s here but I didn’t know why. I didn’t want to be down there where they’re drawing it.”

“Little brother has black webs inside him,” Drusilla said.

“Lovely,” Connor muttered.

“That would be the poison,” I said as Spike sidled past me. I reached out and grabbed him.

“Dad, get them out of here. It’s obvious none of you can be trusted with this IV bag.” He summoned up the strength to point to the door. It didn’t help matters that he pointed with the arm that had the snaking red tube of blood running into it. I did want to pluck it free and drink like it was a juice box.

“You heard him. Let’s go see if we can run down that Cisterian demon Lindsey told me about. Will you be okay, son? Should I have Wes or Willow come back and sit with you just in case?”

“If you want. Probably won’t risk attacking me here. If anything goes bad medically, the doctors are all here.”

“All right. I’ll see you tomorrow then.” I pulled the covers up over him. It was cold in the room. “Goodnight, son.”

He murmured his goodnights and I had to propel Dru from the room. Spike followed reluctantly. They said nothing until we got down to the parking garage. Spike’s rental was a non-descript Honda that didn’t suit him but renting something that would have matched his personality was costly. If I had been in the right frame of mind when he and the others arrived, I’d have let him have one of the ones I’d kept from the fleet Wolfram and Hart had put at my disposal at one point. I’d have him exchange it later if he wanted. I suspected he and the ladies would be around for a while.

“They honestly poisoned him?” Spike asked, heading out onto the street. We’d decided we’d start at Clem’s because he had put out feelers trying to get the Cisterian to come in for a meeting. 

“Until today it could have been just another random shooting but finding out someone was out to locate some of the Killer of the Dead ingredients and the weird crap coating that bullet fragment, it had to be deliberate. So, they murdered his friend and two cops just to have the chance to poison him, or I suppose me if I had shown up because Lorne called me there.”

“Cold. But now I get why you were talking about distractions. This has you tied up in knots,” Spike said, tromping on the accelerator.

“Daddy is worried about little brother.”

“Yeah, I get that, pet. He should be.” Spike dug in his pocket, driving one handed as he fished for his cigarettes. He lipped one of them out of the pack. “I had to pay extra to get a car I could smoke in. What a world.”

I lit it for him, and then snatched it away. He glared but shook another smoke out of the pack as I sucked on the filter of the first one. The acrid smoke burned into my lungs, the nicotine almost instantly started my nerves dancing. I pushed the button for the window and blew rings out it. I could use some whiskey too. It had been a helluva day. I didn’t want to go chasing after the demons Wolfram and Hart had employed to distract me, to listen to whatever dirty work this Cisterian demon performed. I’d do it just the same because this was bigger than me or my son.

“Black clouds are clinging to you.” Dru reached over the back of the seat and rested her fingers on my shoulder. It seemed odd to see her nails trimmed and unpainted. Her soul overrode the demon inside. She was not a flashy woman, but I was used to seeing her with bright red talons that she had been perfectly capable of using to great harm. “What happened?”

“I wasn’t going to say anything but you look like hell,” Spike added.

“I finally had it out with Connor about what he was so angry with me about.” I gritted my teeth. I didn’t want to discuss this with Spike or Dru.

“Was this the best time for that?”

“It wasn’t exactly planned but I think it’s worked out. We were making progress until you came bumbling in, coveting that IV bag.”

Spike snorted, smoke trickling from his nostrils. “I don’t bumble. And how could we possible ignore a bag filled with Slayer’s blood?”

“I was managing it.”

I could practically hear Spike rolling his eyes but he let it drop. Dru told me about how she dreamed in her coffin on her way across the Atlantic. I don’t think it was one of her prophetic ones but it did involve a lot of chocolate and that seemed to make her happy. That made me smile because she had such a sad life before she had been turned and an unhappy one now that her soul had been returned. In that she reminded me of Connor and I wondered if I was to blame in part. Of course, I was but it wasn’t _all_ my fault and I had to remember that.

When Clem’s bar came into view, a little well of gratitude got tapped inside me. I hadn’t done anything proactive about finding out what those visions meant, not since Connor was shot. I hated letting everyone else do the heavy lifting. I had never liked owing Spike anything, not even when I was thrilled to be training him to fight and kill way back when. It hadn’t lasted long but it had been a good time, as far as being evil vampires went. But I still didn’t want to owe him favors and I did. He’d been working the case since the moment he landed in L.A., letting me stay at my son’s side.

At least tonight, I could get back into it. He handed me another cigarette as we went inside the bar. No one cared about smoking bans inside a demon bar. Drusilla made a face at us but we were jerks and ignored her. Buffy would be upset with me later and from what Spike had told me, Mary Ellen wasn’t exactly a fan of his smoking. The bar was filled tonight. No one paid us any mind as we strolled in wearing our game faces. 

Drusilla reached for Spike’s hand, out of habit if I had to guess but he took it. Clem’s face was unreadable, at least to me. I didn’t know him as well as I should really since he was always willing to help out some. I think it disappointed him I wasn’t into kitten poker.

“Can I get you anything? I have a few nice blood drinks,” Clem greeted us as if he was a stranger but that was wise, given the clientele and the fact I might end up killing some of them before the night was done.

“They won’t compare to the blood drink this fool made us pass on.” Spike jabbed his cigarette toward me.

I blew smoke in his face. “Leave Connor alone. He needed it more than any of us.”

There was that eye roll again. Oh god, sometimes Connor reminded me of Spike and this was exactly why. They were both thin little men capable of expert sulks and full on snits. 

“I’ll have a beer,” Spike said. “Dru, baby? Want something?”

“Something that fizzes on the tongue.”

“Give her a soda, she’s not picky about which one.” Spike shrugged.

“Have any Jameson?” I asked hopefully. “A double.”

Clem nodded, his dewlaps wiggling. “Coming right up. He’s in the corner. His name is Davango.” He pointed with his chin. I had never seen a Cisterian before. They were rare in this plane, and he looked a little like a white cricket and human had melded.

Drinks in hand we joined him. His antennae wiggled as we sat down but he didn’t seem put out by our presence. Clem had prepped him for this in theory but that didn’t mean an informant wouldn’t go squirrely on us. Hmm, something else I had in common with Connor, talking to reluctant witnesses and the like.

“I was hoping McDonald would come,” he said.

“I’m sure we can arrange for that,” I said, shooting back most of the whiskey. I should have ordered a triple. 

“All I want is out. He managed that without getting himself dead by the end of it.” Davango’s antennae wilted. He sipped nervously at whatever the hell it was in the glass. It was a noxious purple. “That’s what I want to know about.”

“And I’ll make sure he tells you,” I said. I had wondered about that myself. I’d often thought about getting Gunn out somehow. I’ve never knew how Lindsey hadn’t been hunted down and killed by Wolfram and Hart because it was obvious he knew things that could be dangerous to them. I’d been curious but it didn’t feel right to ask him. “In return, all I want is anything you might know about what Wolfram and Hart is up to at the moment.”

Davango snorted. “That’s a wide topic.”

“He means are they trying to take out him or his kid?” Spike slugged back some beer.

Davango eyed me curiously. “There really is a child of a vampire? I honestly thought Lilah was talking nonsense in the break room. Yeah, she didn’t want him dead, just hurt. Guess she figured it would occupy you.”

I broke the glass in my hand, Jameson burning its way into my flesh. “What doesn’t she want me to know?”

“It’s the same reason I want to be out of all of this. They’re opening portals.”

“Why?”

“Because they want to sell passage and arms so one group can find new people to torment and slaughter,” Davango spat. 

The whiskey curdled my stomach; no that news soured the alcohol and everything around it. Dru scooted closer to Spike who put a comforting hand on her arm as the muscles jumped in his jaw.

“Bloody hell, and what about Earth? If this is like that bull you pulled with Acathala, Peaches….”

“Earth’s off limits. I guess the Senior Partners still have a use for it but you and I both know some of them will go rogue.”

“Yeah.” Maybe we should have done more to stop Lilah and the rest but I’m not sure even with all the Slayers, it wouldn’t have been like the hydra, lopping off head only to have two more grow back. “This is insane.”

“Tell me about it. My people are pretty peaceful. I just know we’ll be targeted.” His antennae drooped even lower. “I want to go home and warn them and I want someone to stop them. Clem seems to think you guys are a good bet for ending this so that’s it, that’s what I know.”

“That’s slim, mate,” Spike said.

“Where will the portals dance?” Dru asked.

Davango shrugged. “I’m not sure, down by the water, maybe. They aren’t going to be able to open that many portals in the middle of town. Someone would notice.”

“Do you know when?” I asked.

“I know they’re not ready yet. Something is holding it up and no I don’t know what it is. I’d tell you if I did.”

“I can’t believe Gunn would be part of this,” I muttered miserably.

“Him? He’s just Lilah’s go between with the people who know how to find the stuff necessary to open all those portals at once. We call him a tuner.”

“What?”

“Not everyone goes to work for Wolfram and Hart knowing what they really are. Hell, half of the lawyers really are just practicing law with no clue. The ones with a clue, some are on board all the way. Others still have a conscience. We call them tuners because they get called up to the White Room for a tune up. Don’t know what happens there but usually anyone getting called up either is never seen again or come back toeing the party line.”

That made me feel somehow better and so very angry. If Gunn was willingly a part of this, it wasn’t forgivable but if he was being coerced using magic – and surely that was easily within their abilities – he might be saved. Another failure of mine. I should have looked into that more heavily years ago.

We pressed Davango but he had nothing more to give us. I promised to have Lindsey contact him though I doubted their paths out of Wolfram and Hart would be the same. Davango would probably be better off cutting and running back to wherever his people were from.

Spike had a few more places he wanted to check out. I agreed but not before I had another whiskey. I needed it.

 

**Earlier That Same Day – Gunn**

I fumed at my desk. Gwen had laughed off my concerns. As predicted, she refused to leave town but also had been pretty condescending about it. I hadn’t been able to watch the news for a couple of days, thinking about that poor bartender and the cops who had merely gotten in the way. I knew that it had to be engineered by Lilah’s team with my dumbass help. I had no idea this was what had been planned. I hadn’t any problems finding the Killer of the Dead because who cared if vampires got taken out. And maybe I had the wrong end of the stick. Maybe that had nothing to do with anything that had happened behind Lorne’s.

Connor was back in the hospital. That wasn’t normal. Why had it happened? Had the Killer of the Dead been used to poison him? If so then the bartender had been a decoy and I couldn’t handle that. I’d been mulling it over for days and the informant relaying that Connor had been readmitted, still bleeding, sent me into a spiral of self-doubt. What the hell had I been party to?

“I don’t like that look.”

I glanced up. Lilah had darkened my door. “What look?”

“The one of guilt and subtle horror. What’s wrong?”

“Connor was rushed back to the hospital. Did we poison him, Lilah?”

“What do you care? We’ve been over this.” She sauntered in and plopped down. “You don’t even like the little creep. We needed Angel out of our hair for a while. Poisoning his offspring worked. It’s a shame we can’t whisk him out of the hospital. I’ve had scientists in the lab who’ve been waiting for years to get him on the table and dissect him.”

I shuddered. The merry way she said that iced over my core. “How?” Did I really want to know? Maybe not.

“Coated the bullets.”

“So, we really killed innocent people just to shoot Connor? Couldn’t you have sent a sniper after him?” I growled, pushing away from my desk. Propelling myself to my feet, I prowled the room. 

“I outsourced it to a junior. The plan was call in one of the assassins. Apparently, it was easier to hand the bullets off to a cop-hating maniac. I will say the Senior Partners weren’t pleased.” She smiled up at me.

“Not pleased?” I came to a halt. “Three dead innocent people?”

Lilah levered herself up. “What do you want me to say? Mistakes were made but the end result is exactly what we wanted. It might be weeks before Connor is back, if he ever is. We have no idea what that poison will do to him. Could be he dies in the hospital and that breaks Angel.” That red painted smile flashed at me again. “That really works for me.”

“None of this works for me,” I muttered and knew I shouldn’t have. Lilah narrowed her eyes. I was showing way too much weakness to her. I steeled myself. “Are we at least ready for this whole portal venture?”

She scowled. “No but we’re getting there.”

“Any chance I can be reassigned to something else, not dealing with Connor and Angel?” Right back to the weakness. I don’t know what had gotten into me. Nostalgia? Maybe I needed to remind myself how they failed Fred.

“All you’re doing is handing off jobs to Gwen. You’ll survive.” Her gaze cut to my phone and shockingly enough it rang.

After answering, I turned to her and said, “The Senior Partners want to speak to me,” but she was already half out the door, as if she knew. Maybe she did. That didn’t make me feel any easier. That aside, within the hour I was back on the phone with Gwen, sending her out after some sacred sword and I didn’t feel so bad anymore.


	24. Connor

Chapter Twenty-Four – Connor

_All of your flaws and all of my flaws_  
They lie there hand in hand  
Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned  
They pass from man to man  
There's a hole in my soul  
I can't fill it   
**Flaws – Bastille**

 

I had been back in Angel’s home for about thirty-six hours, feeling markedly better. Thankfully I hadn’t had to drink the damn blood. I’ve done that before once or twice in Quor-Toth out of necessity, but it was stomach turning for me. Getting out of bed hadn’t been particularly hard, not like it had been the first time in the guest room. Slayer’s blood as antidote, never thought I’d have to do that, but it seemed to be working wonders on the poison inside me.

No one was about when I made it out into the living room, surprising me. I listened hard but there was nothing, no sounds of anyone breathing. Dad might be asleep upstairs, but I hated thinking about that because when he slept you realized he truly was dead, and it gave me cold chills. I answered some of Nami’s texts and suspected that I’d be in for a cop invasion sooner rather than later. Most of my fellow detectives had sent me texts and flowers when I was in the hospital the first time. It had been hard to come to see me between hospital restrictions, their work and it was tough to see a fellow cop shot to hell and gone. No one was around to warn about my suspicions that my cop friends would visit here soon. Hopefully they wouldn’t walk in on anything weird like a Spike visit or worse, Lorne, who I hadn’t seen yet. He couldn’t come to the hospital for obvious reasons.

I shuffled into the kitchen and put on my own tea kettle and sat at the kitchen table to wait for it. I didn’t want it screaming and bringing Angel running down if he was upstairs. I poked around for food. Did Buffy simply not eat? There were some frozen dinners but that was almost worse than nothing. I did find another of those cheese, egg and jalapeno burritos and nuked that.

I ate on the couch and drank my tea with Moocher in my lap and Killmouski on the back of the couch where she probably didn’t belong. I wondered if the team had found out any more about Wolfram and Hart. No one told me anything, like being flat on my back had turned me into glass and robbed me of intelligence. I opened my laptop to see if Nami had sent me the files I wanted to noodle with, but she hadn’t. Guess I was glass to her too. 

So, I binged _Lucifer_ for a while but I must have fallen asleep. I woke up, not hearing the front door of all things or footsteps, but rather the click of a camera. Guess I was lucky Dawn and Buffy weren’t murderers because I’d be done for. I wasn’t sure for a second why Dawn was taking pictures of me but as I surfaced from dreamland, I found myself stretched out on the couch lying on my good side. Bainsidhe had gotten on the couch, laying on my legs, her head right on my bad hip. Moocher was spooned up with me against my belly and Killmouski was on top of Bainsidhe. Thankfully Moocher was stretched out long because he covered me past my hips. My boxers’ elastic had been bugging my stitches, so I had decided commando was the way to go until those damn sutures were out. All I’d need would be to have a bunch of pictures of me where you could see outlines of things that didn’t need to be in pictures.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“You looked _so_ cute.” Dawn grinned at me and Buffy rolled her eyes.

“He did.”

Angel’s voice startled me. I shifted to see him and Spike in chairs watching the TV. Angel had my computer on his lap. What the hell? Had I died a little or some damn thing? I didn’t usually sleep through people moving everywhere, let alone getting this close to me without me reacting.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked.

“I live here.” Angel smirked.

“You know what I mean. And what are you doing? Running a vampire flop house?” I stabbed a finger at Spike and Bainsidhe yawned, half roused from her slumber.

“We got in too late this morning for me to make it back to the Hyperion.” Spike shrugged. “Slept here.”

“Lucky us,” Buffy grumbled.

Wonder what she was unhappy about now? So long as it wasn’t me, it didn’t matter. “And you just let the furry ones use me as a mattress?”

“You didn’t look in pain so why not?” Angel shrugged. 

I shooed the cats away and dragged my legs out from under Bainsidhe. Buffy whistled her away for me. Bainsidhe, ever obedient, bounced over to her mistress. “Were you watching my Netflix?”

“No, I watched my shows,” Spike said. “And he’s been through every picture you own.” He nodded to my computer.

“No doubt. Put _Lucifer_ back on.” I got to my feet fairly easily, my stitches itching and pulling. 

“Blood hell, why?”

“It’s a good show,” Angel said.

I arched my eyebrows. “You know it?”

Angel shrugged. “Buffy thinks he’s handsome.”

“She’s not wrong.” I leveled my gaze at Spike. “As to why, Spike, I like the show and I’m the shut in so…”

“Of course, you like it. It’s all about daddy issues.” He flipped me the two-fingered salute.

“Don’t make me walk over there and open that front door and let the sunlight in because I will.” I smirked at him.

“Sit and behave,” Buffy said but it sounded more rote than her actually caring that I was acting up. So, it was probably Spike and Angel who were in trouble.

“I’m going to put the kettle on, and I need to pee,” I replied. “Also did you bring food with you? There’s like nothing here except those frozen burritos, which I’m suspecting you slipped roofies into, either that or into the teapot, given how deeply I slept.”

Buffy snorted. “No one slipped you knock out drugs, tempting as it usually is.”

I narrowed my eyes at her.

“You probably just needed to sleep. You _are_ still healing,” Dawn said diplomatically.

Angel’s gaze swept over me. “You do look better, son.” 

“I _feel_ better. Hell, I felt better this morning. But right now, waking up out of that power coma, I feel ten times better than that.” I patted my chest which didn’t hurt at all other than the tug of the sutures.

“Then the Slayer’s blood is clearing the poison.” Angel sounded as relieved as I felt.

“Guess so. It’s some great stuff. No wonder why you vampires get addicted to it.” I took a few steps toward the kitchen, but Dawn grabbed my wrist.

“I’ll go make your tea. You go to the bathroom. I think Wes probably has the kettle warmed if I know him,” she said.

“Wait, he’s here too? Did any of you check to see if I was breathing? I’m pretty sure I was dead there for a while. I barely sleep, let alone sleep through a herd of people traipsing around, this one listening to his idiot soap operas.” I jerked a thumb at Spike. “And that one invading my privacy.”

Dad refused to look guilty. “You told me I could look at your photos.” 

“I know. I’m good with any kind of tea, Dawn other than herbal crap. Thanks.”

“Yes, I know it needs caffeine to make you happy.” She smiled.

I left her to it so I could pee. Not much had changed when I got back into the living room other than Buffy was now on the loveseat and Bainsidhe was trying to get Spike to pet her. I installed myself back on the couch, wanting to rip my stitches out. They didn’t hurt like they had been so my healing abilities must have been kicking in, but damn if they didn’t itch like hell. “I’m not watching soaps, Spike. I’m finding something on Netflix.”

“You gonna fight me for the remote?” He grinned at me.

“No, I’ll let Angel handle that. And seriously, Dad, how did you get into that file?” I said, seeing what he had up on the screen. “I had that one encrypted.”

“Willow got me into it.” He shrugged, changing seats so he was next to me.

“Oh my god, she’s here too? Seriously I was dead and you just let me lie there decomposing.” I gave them the hairy eye.

“I thought she was going to die when she opened that one folder,” Spike said, “the M-file thing.”

“Those are my murder book photos. Serves her right for invading my privacy,” I huffed as Dawn brought me a mug.

“Just a good strong black,” she said, sitting next to Angel.

“Thanks.”

“Why did you encrypt a bunch of pictures of you and Faith?” Buffy asked craning her neck to see. “There’s nothing naked in there, is there?”

“Not in that file but keep out of that one if Willow decrypted it.” I pointed to one labeled _no-go._ Buffy shuddered.

“This is Galway,” Angel said, peering closely at the picture on the screen. “And before we started fighting the other night, did I hear you say you did a semester abroad in Ireland?”

“I got very lucky. Usually freshmen don’t get selected but yeah, both Amber Rose and I did get spots at Trinity in Dublin. That was probably one of the best times of my life. Loved it,” I said, and Angel beamed so broadly you’d have thought I told him I won an Oscar or something. “I thought about moving there. Honestly, there’ll be a time I can’t be Detective Devlin any more, not if I keep not aging as I have been. I did think about going somewhere rural maybe up in the Columbia Gorge and have that rest I wanted. But we both know I’ll get bored sooner rather than later, so I thought what I might want to do after that. Boston was at the top of the list, but I don’t want to go there without Faith.” I paused, biting my lip to get control. As my eyes misted, I sipped the tea, which helped me. “Wes and I talked about the Watchers in the UK and I thought, okay being in Ireland would really be good.”

“So, you’re gonna be one of those wankers?” Spike snorted. “Rupert tried to make them less stuffy, but he didn’t succeed.”

“Hey, I’m a Watcher!” Dawn reached over and slapped his chest.

“You and Red are exceptions. They’ll just love the miracle child over there.” Spike rolled his eyes. 

“Don’t call me that and I was thinking about Special Ops, because if it’s true what some of the seers have said and I’m immortal, then in fifty years it’ll just be me, you, Dru and Dad, and maybe Dawn if she’s also immortal.”

“That is _so_ depressing,” Dawn muttered, her gaze dropping to the floor.

“Yeah, sorry,” I replied.

“You’re a thug so you’ll do great in Special Ops.” Spike said, nosing into the pictures over Angel’s shoulder.

“Okay, I’m opening the front door. You might want to get into the shadows, Dad.” I started levering myself up and Dawn pushed me back. I sighed. “Want to hub the pictures over to the TV so everyone can see, Dawn?”

“Sure.” She connected the laptop to the TV and settled back, taking the remote away from Spike. “And do you want to watch _Lucifer_ again after we’re done with this little tour of Ireland.”

“No, I’m thinking _What We Do in Shadows_ ,” I replied.

“Movie or TV show?”

“Movie, we can play which one is Spike and which is Angel.” I grinned.

“What are you talking about?” Angel wrinkled his brow. 

“It’s a mockumentary about New Zealand vampires. It’s not as funny as you’d want it to be but it’s amusing,” I said.

“And Spike is Stu, no doubt of it.” Dawn laughed.

I nodded. “Agreed.”

Spike’s face darkened. “No bloody way I’m anyone named Stu.”

“You’re Stu,” I said. “And the TV show version is no doubt Mom and Dad.”

“I cannot believe you watch vampire stuff.” Buffy eyed me, and Angel muttered, ‘me either.’

“I expect it to be bad. It’s easier to watch than the plethora of horrible cop shows.”

“Now I have to watch it,” Angel said, and then gestured to the TV. “There are lot of you and Faith in that church, Wes too.”

“He was with us, the Watcher in charge. We were hunting sluaghs, which are nasty beasts, let me tell you.” I grimaced at the remembrance. 

“That church looks so familiar,” Angel muttered. “I know Buffy asked but were you and Faith married?”

“What makes you think my answer would be different today?” I squirmed, uncomfortable with this but I should have expected it.

“Because today it’s just family here, no Andrew.”

I turned my gaze to the picture of me and Faith in the church. She leaned on the confessional in an outfit more suited to Willow, a peasant skirt with a lacey edge and a pretty blue shirt. Dressy but not too much so, conservative but again not overly so. “This folder was encrypted because it’s our wedding, in secret obviously, not even using our real names. The priest there came from a Watcher family. We were married after ten years of being together.” I reached for my tea but nearly upset it. Dad caught the mug and handed it to me. I took it silently, cradling it, letting the heat seep into me in spite of the warmth of the room. “I wish we could have told everyone, but we couldn’t because of my job, because Faith wanted it secret anyhow. I think she was afraid people would treat her differently or something. She had carved out her niche as the bad girl, the one who didn’t do anything right. I think maybe marriage was too normal for her. It didn’t matter to me that others knew.”

“Why do it in Ireland?” Buffy asked.

“Felt right. I’ve learned I like old buildings and Saint Nicholas is medieval. It seemed like a good place and obviously I have a connection to Galway.” I gestured to Angel who had tensed up. 

“Saint Nicholas, that’s where me and my siblings were baptized,” he whispered.

“I wondered if it had been. I wasn’t sure with all the anti-Catholic stuff tearing up the UK for centuries.”

He nodded, eyes on the picture on the screen but I suspected his mind was in Ireland centuries before. “I’m glad you two had that. You both deserved to be happy. I’m sorry it was so short.”

“Me too.” Emotions knotted up inside my chest. “But it was good for us. It was also the end for me too. She was the third woman I loved who died horrible. It’s one of the reasons I live the way I do. I know you and Buffy aren’t fans of me and the Slayers.”

“But you don’t really care if we are or not,” she said but her voice was soft, non-judgmental. 

“Not really. I’m happy enough. I’m afraid someone else I love will die just because they’re with me, which I know is ridiculous because at the end of the day that’s not the reason any of them died.” I shivered, setting my tea down. “But I don’t want to talk about that now, please.”

“Of course, you don’t have to go rummaging in that darkness,” Angel said, clicking through a few more pictures, taking us out of the church, away from the happy pictures and into a few of a cemetery.

“Do I want to know why you took those pictures?” Buffy asked.

“It’s nothing creepy. I just think some of the tombstones can be really interesting.” I shrugged. “But that’s not why I was there. We went because I wanted to see…where the rest of the family was.”

“Oh, Connor,” Angel said, sounding disappointed and horrified.

“I thought I could handle it and I was wrong. Boy, was I wrong.” I shook my head. The melancholy of that bad decision thumped down on top of me. “The names were barely readable but that didn’t matter. It was overwhelming. I was crying. Faith was crying. A Fiulta demon found us.”

“Tough creatures,” Spike said.

“Yeah, it was his bad luck because we were upset and wanted to take that out on something. He did nicely. Anyhow, I won’t be rushing to do that again, but I wouldn’t mind hearing about the family if you’re willing to tell me.”

Angel’s eyes sparked. “I would be happy to tell you about them, especially about your Aunt Kathy but let’s leave it until you’re on your feet better.”

“Okay, fair enough.”

“And thank you for sharing your photos with us.”

“Yeah, but I meant for you to look at the other ones, like the kid folder or my trip to Japan, though that was work too, even if Nami and Kenji didn’t know it.”

“You mean this one?” Dawn pulled up a picture of me where I obviously didn’t know I was being photographed, feeding Suzume a bottle. “This is so sweet.”

“She was a good baby,” I replied.

“You do look happy with kids,” Angel said, hesitantly.

“Yeah.” My stomach rumbled keeping me from having to think about the pain of things denied me. I was an idiot for having Dawn open the file. I patted my belly. “So, this needs addressed. Did we order food? Did I miss dinner?”

“No and no. I was going to order out because we didn’t have time to shop. What are you feeling like?” Dawn asked.

“I’m easy to please. Whatever everyone else wants is fine. Here, let me put the TV back on. I’m a little burned out on the pictures.” Lie, I was becoming an emotional wreck. I didn’t need more of that and I’m sure they realized it.

“Okay we’ll order. You let them decide who is who in the movie.” Dawn’s wicked expression delighted me.

I set them to watching the movie and I actually fell back asleep. Amazing! Spike and Angel vociferously arguing dragged me back to the land of the living. Buffy and Dawn were watching in muted horror and amusement, and I think the vampires were oblivious to us being here even though my feet had somehow ended up on a pillow in Angel’s lap. Dawn was recording this on her phone.

“You are Stu, Spike. I don’t even see how you can argue it.” Angel threw his hands wide.

Spike stabbed a finger at Angel. “He’s a blighter.”

“My point exactly. We had that _exact_ argument about not drawing attention to ourselves being vampires. Numerous times that same argument’ Angel replied, hot as a poker. Spike waved him off. “We ended up in a fucking cave hiding from an irate mob, lost our beautiful house because you kept drawing attention to us. Darla rode my ass for months because of you.”

“You always were a Nancy about that.” Spike rolled his eyes. “Oooo Spike, behave or the Slayer will get you.”

“I was _hoping_ ,” Angel grated out.

“I’m so glad you made them watch this movie,” Buffy sniped, noticing I was awake again.

I shrugged sitting up. “It’s fun to watch them fight.”

“You are _so_ Darla,” Spike sneered, and Angel bobbed his head.

I curled my lip at them. “Told you Spike was Stu.”

“I’ve never done a stupid sexy dance for the group!” Spike spat.

“Really? Barcelona Spain ring any bells?” Angel shook his head, wincing as if picturing it. “We all went and there were those Flamenco dancers.”

Spike glanced away, and extremely sheepish expression on his face. “Hell, I forgot about that.”

“Wish I could.”

“Dawn, shouldn’t you be writing this down for the Watchers?” I asked.

She held up her phone. “Already on it.”

“Aww, Li’l Bit, don’t put in there that I did a Flamenco dance,” Spike wheedled.

“Complete with castanets, make sure that gets in there,” Angel pointed to her Android. I wasn’t sure they realized phones recorded stuff in this day and age.

“Did he have the fluffy shirt?” Buffy asked.

“Yes, well bloody and a bit torn since he took it off the actual dancer but he wore it. Dru loved it. Darla and I laughed for days,” Angel said, and Spike’s glare could have caught the couch on fire.

“What a great bunch,” I muttered and the doorbell rang. I looked over hopeful, wanting to get my mouth around some pad thai. Instead Andrew came in and stopped dead seeing me.

“Oh, wasn’t expecting you.”

“Really? I’m going to be living here until I get better,” I snapped.

“If you’re looking for Wes and Willow, they’re in the library,” Buffy said.

Luckily, he disappeared quickly into the other room before I could be tempted to skin him alive. The Thai food came through minutes later. I tucked in happily, wondering if I had misread Nami’s text because I had honestly expected her and the cop brigade by now but they could easily be held up by work.

“Should we go in the library and help?” Dawn asked, sneaking one of my tamarind duck eggs.

“I’m still banned I think,” I said, stealing one of her Kanom Jeebs in return. “I’ll probably just keep resting here. I feel better every time I wake up.”

“Willow put some videos on your lap top by the way,” Angel said. “I’m sure they are of Faith and you. I’m not sure if you want to watch them now but she did say they’re safe for public consumption.”

“Guess that means they’re not sex tapes, thank god,” Buffy said.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “We never made any. Not our thing. You’re safe. It’s probably some of the stuff from the Watchers’ archives. Like I said Welling liked to record some of the fights. Any of the non-work stuff would already be on my computer.”

“Would you be willing to let us see some of Ireland if you have them or is that too much for you right now?” Dad asked.

“I’m okay with that. It’s fine if you want to send them to the TV so everyone can see it.”

Dawn did that for me. Wes and the others trickled out of the back room, still discussing the dead end that was the revival of one of the women in our lives. That conversation died as they saw Faith on the TV. I had thoughts of that on my own. It was cheaper and easier to shoot me than it would be to put the resources into magicking one of these women back from the dead. It certainly had distracted everyone, especially me and Dad. Buffy too if I were being honest and fair. She had spent a lot of time in my hospital room with Angel.

We were watching me and Faith at Skellig Michael when the doorbell rang. Buffy looked surprised to be getting company and I wasn’t sure it was Nami so I said nothing. It could easily be Mary Ellen and Drusilla who were probably still at the Hyperion. Then I heard more cars arriving as Dawn paused the recording. It had to be my friends and coworkers.

Sure enough, Nami was at the door with a big casserole dish in her hands. “Hello, we’re here to see how Connor is doing and we come bearing gifts.”

“We?” Buffy asked.

Nami stepped through and Cruz and Lawson followed her. I wanted to deal with Lawson about as much as I wanted to deal with Andrew, though I’m sure Lawson would behave himself in the presence of so many other cops. “We’re just checking up on Connor and bringing some stuff to make it easier on everyone. This is Fårikål and raspeball. He loves it.”

“Fårikål?” Spike asked. 

“Lamb and cabbage stew and raspeballs are potato dumplings about the size of matzo balls.”

Spike made a face. “Not what I’d expect.”

“Expecting sushi?” I asked. “She doesn’t know how to make that. Her mom’s Norwegian and that’s the cooking she shared.”

“Kenji will bring you some sushi from your favorite spot,” she promised. “I’ll put this in the fridge. I have the cooking instructions for the raspeballs on the container.”

“Give that to Dawn,” I said. “She has more skills than Buffy.”

Nami cocked an eyebrow at me. “You only have to boil water.”

“My warning stands.”

“I _can_ boil water, you ass.” Buffy flicked my ear.

“I have Mom’s menudo,” Cruz said, saving me from a wise crack that might get me slayed. He cracked open the top of his big Tupperware container, filling the air with rich scent of the stew.

“That smells so good.” Buffy took the container from him.

“It’s made with cow stomach,” I said, and she made a face holding the container away from her. “but it’s delicious.”

“She’s never going to eat it now,” Dawn assured me. 

“Mine’s store bought. You know I don’t cook,” Lawson held up huge box of frozen pierogis and hefted a six pack of Smithwick’s. “And for when you’re stronger.”

“That’s great! Thanks everyone.”

“This is pretty unexpected,” Buffy said as even more cops arrived.

“We do this when someone gets hurt,” Nami said. “They’re not capable of cooking for themselves. This way you can concentrate on Connor’s other needs and not have to worry on dinner.”

“Thank you. The way he was carrying on today, you’d have thought he was about to perish from starvation.” Buffy laughed.

“This close.” I held up two fingers. 

“Good, well if you had died mine works either way,” Scott, another homicide detective said coming in, “Funeral potatoes.”

“How morbid,” Buffy made another face.

“That’s their name,” Dawn said. “Popular in the Midwest for, well, funerals. You know how everyone cooks so the family doesn’t have to, just like this. Here I can take that for you.”

More cops poured in, my Emerald Society buddies, most of major crimes, my captain, Kate and Lindsey too, everyone bearing food and drink.

“We’ll have to take some of this downstairs,” Buffy said.

“Point out the way,” Ian said.

“Spike and I can handle it,” Angel said hurriedly. Yeah it wouldn’t do to have the best in L.A’s homicide department to see a fridge filled with blood. I should have thought of that earlier. I really was still out of it, wasn’t I? Damn. 

Those in the know filled the downstairs fridge. My friends stacked up an impressive array of Guinness, Smithwick’s and other stouts along with several bottles of Jameson whiskey. I saw Spike eyeing it. I’d have to stick him with a chop stick or something if he didn’t behave.

“Who’s that?” Lawson asked, nodding to the TV where the video had been paused.

“Just a friend.” I turned off the TV unwilling to share Faith with them. They couldn’t know about her. “Thanks everyone, I’m really glad you all could be here.”

“Not as glad as we are to see you looking so well. I think you look amazingly better than just a couple days ago,” Nami said.

“I am better. I guess with that bullet fragment tearing me up inside was sucking me under. Now that it’s been addressed, I’m going to be okay. I’ll be back before you know it.” I grinned. No, I probably wouldn’t. I would be recovered long before I came back. I couldn’t go back to work faster than a normal human could. Oh well, I’d be bored and kept busy no doubt by the supernatural side, especially with whatever the hell Wolfram and Hart had planned. I just hoped I’d be good enough to help if it happened soo,n and we were all sure it would be because why else the distraction?

“We were thinking about playing a little,” Ian said. He was part of the Emerald Society with me. “If no one minds.”

“I would love it,” Angel said.

And play they did. I caught Lawson and Andrew talking at one point. Figures the creepy guys would find each other. Everyone went home within the hour so not to tax me much. Nami, Lindsey and Kate hung back.

Kate nudged him. “Go get the other bag out of the car.” Lindsey nodded and disappeared outside.

Nami looked at her phone. “Kenji is bringing a few more guests for a quick visit if you’re okay.”

“I’m fine. And Kate what else did you bring?”

“You’ll see.”

Lindsey came back with a grocery store bag and handed it over. “You’ll be happy.”

I pulled out a bottle filled with a pink liquid. “Ooo, strawberry poppy seed dressing.”

“Really?” Angel snorted.

“It is delicious,” I assured him.

“It’s girlie.” Spike said as Dawn took it from me. 

She popped the top off and tasted it. “This is amazing. I’m keeping it.”

“Hell you are.” I laughed as she shared it with Buffy who snatched up the bottle and disappeared into the kitchen. “I’m never seeing that again.”

“Probably not. Better guard the other thing better.” Lindsey smirked.

I extracted a bag of treacle fudge. “Lindsey, Kate, you are the best. No one gets this.”

“Not even me.” Dawn batted her eyes at me.

Spike stared as did Andrew. “Is she flirting with him?” Spike asked Angel.

“I don’t even know any more. Mostly I think she just wants his fudge.”

“Mine, all mine, my precious,” I drawled, putting on my best Golem voice.

Dawn laughed, popping off the couch. “I brought something back from your place. I had to take it out of the fridge to make room for all the goodies. I better get it.”

“Do I get fudge?” Nami asked as Dawn bee lined for the kitchen.

“Nope. All mine.”

She wagged her head as Kate patted her shoulder. “You and your sugar.”

“You know better,” I said unrepentant but handed her a piece of fudge. 

Dawn returned with Buffy on her heels. “I found truffles at your place.”

“You hid chocolate here and didn’t tell me.” Buffy pouted. 

“If you opened your fridge once in a blue moon,” I said.

Buffy turned to Nami, “You taking him tonight, right?”

She waved her hands. “You two volunteered. He’s always a handful.”

“I know. Well, can I have a truffle?” Buffy asked as Dawn handed me one. Buffy snared one before I answered.

“Sure.” I shrugged, not warning her.

“I wouldn’t,” Kate said as Buffy bit into it. Dawn did likewise. Dawn grinned but Buffy nearly spat hers out. 

She dropped the half bitten remains into Angel’s hand. She fanned her mouth. “Hot! Why hot? What is _wrong_ with you, Connor?”

“I like hot stuff.”

“Did I forget to mention that it’s dark chocolate and chilis?” Dawn put on airs of innocence.

“Yes! You are a broken toy, Connor.” Buffy disappeared into the kitchen, and Angel popped the rest of her truffle into his mouth.

“Wow, I can taste this!” he muttered, and Nami looked at him funny. “I mean, it’s really hot. I like it.”

He and Spike raided my stash of them. I let them have their purloined truffles. I knew vampires had very little taste. It had to be a treat to them to find something they could actually sense. Nami checked her phone as it vibrated, and then she migrated to the door.

“It’s my husband,” she said. “You don’t mind if I let them in.”

“Of course not,” Angel said, savoring the chili truffle.

She opened the door to Kenji who had Kaito and Suzume in hand. My heart clenched seeing the kids. Behind him were people I hadn’t expected: Alison and Ashley. Ashley clung close to her aunt. I was surprised she brought Ashley but I knew the little girl would want to see me.

I tried to lever myself up but Angel held on to me, keeping me on the couch, which was probably wise. 

“Remember, no bouncing on Connor,” Nami cautioned as Alison waved to me.

“Nice to see you up and around, Connor.” Alison paused, as if unsure she should be here. “Ashley has been begging me to see you but…”

“No, I understand. Alison, Ashley, this is my brother Angel and his wife Buffy,” I said, and then introduced everyone else who was in the room. Luckily half of us had migrated back into the library and stayed there.

I held out my arms, and the kids gingerly hugged me. Angel vacated the couch and allowed me to sit in the middle. They crowded around me, all of them yammering nonstop as they told me about their days since I had last seen them, worrying about me and telling me I had to be better soon.

“We’ll have to come up with another anniversary idea,” Kenji said out of nowhere. “Since you’ll not be babysitting any time soon.”

“Aww, no. We want to stay with Uncle Connor,” Suzume protested.

“Sorry sweetie.”

“But it was only one night,” Suzume said.

“Your Uncle Connor is going to be recovering for a long time,” Nami said.

“One night? We could probably help, couldn’t we Buffy?” Dawn asked. “If that would be okay with you. Connor’s doing well and there are plenty of bed rooms.”

“I’m fine with that,” Buffy said. 

“It could be fun,” Angel added, obviously not familiar with the care and feeding of small children. It was rarely as smooth and fun as one would hope.

“We’ll talk about it,” Nami said

“Could I stay with Suzume?” Ashley asked. “It would be fun! I miss Connor.”

“I’m not sure everyone is ready for that much fun.” Alison smiled. “I’ll see.”

“And I have my phone back. If your aunt is okay with it, you can text me again,” I added.

“That’s fine. I didn’t want her bothering you when you were in the hospital,” Alison said. “I know you need your quiet and your rest.”

I nodded. “Of course. I could use the distraction now.”

“Okay. I’ll be sure she doesn’t abuse the privilege.”

Nami didn’t let the kids visit for much longer. She chivvied everyone out and Kate and Lindsey followed her.

“So, who is that little girl? One of Nami’s relatives on the Scandinavian side?” Buffy asked once they were gone.

“No, one of the cases I worked with Nami a few years ago. Her mom and her mom’s boyfriend were killed by Ashley’s dad, her mom’s ex. He shot Ashley too. She was only six.”

“Who shoots a six-year-old?” Dawn’s face went white.

“A monster who we caught, and he’s in jail but it doesn’t change what happened. Ashely bonded to me and Nami. For the first year she had me call and read her a bed time story every night. Her therapist told Alison it would help because Ashely saw me as her hero. She still texts me good night most nights.”

“That’s sad and sweet,” Buffy said.

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m glad I can help her. No one should have to deal with being shot as a child. I seriously understood why Holtz was so motivated to avenge what you did to him, Angel. Ashely wasn’t even my kid and I was there hoping her dad was going to make us shoot him. Sadly, he didn’t. And on that note, I am going to go to bed. I’m not as recovered as I thought,” Mostly I was exhausted mentally. “Thanks for being so understanding about them invading your home.”

“They brought us food for days. Hard to be mad about that,” Buffy said.

“Even so, I appreciate it.” That was something I probably should have said a while back. “Don’t let Spike drink all my beer.”

Spike flipped me off. “Worry about your old man. He’s been drunk on whiskey and bumming my smokes for the last couple of days.”

Ah, and that’s why Buffy was annoyed with him. Can’t blame her. It’s like kissing an ashtray.

“You heard him, old man. Stay out of the Jameson.” I slipped away to the bedroom. I hoped I could sleep after being asleep most of the day. I didn’t have to worry.


	25. Connor & Spike

Chapter Twenty-Five– Connor

_I don't want to live_  
To waste another day  
Underneath the shadow of mistakes I made  
'Cause I feel like I'm breaking inside   
**Breaking Inside – Shinedown**

Blood seeped into my shoes. I was used to that but this was different. My stomach knotted at the assault of salt and iron. No, that wasn’t the issue. I’ve never been afraid of blood. The victim, she was under my skin: the girl with my mother’s face. She was silent now, lying in the sea of her own blood. It wasn’t my mother but her dead eyes stared up at me. It was magic. It was Angel and his friends trying to warp my mind. I didn’t know what my mother looked like. She had died so I could live.

But this was her at my feet, whose blood I stood in. It wasn’t magic. I knew it. I had done a horrible thing. Cordelia grabbed my hand, soaking it in the warm blood. It wormed into my pores, dripped into my soul. I couldn’t breathe. Oh god, what had I done?

Cordelia laughed at me, hefting the axe. “What’s wrong? You always cry so easy. You’re a little boy. It’s all just a trick. Watch here is another one.” She drew the blade of the ax across her throat, her head coming off like a dandelion, rolling until it hit my toes. I screamed.

I kept screaming even as I tumbled out of bed and hit the floorboards. My stitches pulled and ached. I clawed my phone off the night stand, punching in a number using sheer muscle memory as I started to crawl. I couldn’t get my feet under me. I managed to make it into the bathroom, terrible guttural noises still issuing from my throat. I threw up in the toilet, barely able to hear feet pounding down the stairs.

A big hand closed over my shaking shoulder, startling me. I whirled, bringing my elbow back for a strike but the anti-demon violence spell smacked me right into the tub. My stitches blossomed into red-hot agony. I scrambled back up and threw up some more. This time Angel grabbed me, steadying me and someone handed him a cool wet towel. Buffy or Dawn I’m sure but I still wasn’t quite seeing reality.

I took the towel, wiping my mouth first, barely able to my hands quaked so badly, and then clamped the towel over my lips, moaning into it as I rocked. Angel rubbed my back hesitantly. He didn’t know what to do for me. I sat back, the coolness of the tub relaxing me. “Damn, oh damn, I dialed Wes. How late is it?”

“It’s fine.”

Wes’s voice startled me. He peered into the bathroom, standing next to Dawn and Buffy who were at the door. Giving me space? Afraid to come in? I eyed him, baffled. 

“You couldn’t have gotten here this fast.”

“I stayed in a guest room. I had been here until late, and then was too groggy to drive home,” he replied. “It’s okay, Connor.”

I shook my head, trembling. Angel helped me to my feet and I let him because I couldn’t do it on my own. Sometimes it took me an hour or more to pull myself together. He led me toward the bed but I balked.

“Angel, he’s not going to want to sleep,” Wes said.

Dad frowned, probably hating that Wes knew something that he didn’t. I staggered toward the bedroom door. “Connor, I smell blood.”

“Pulled stitches,” I said but I kept going until I made it to the living room couch. I turned on the TV but didn’t change stations. I just wanted the noise. Buffy and Dawn followed me but they didn’t sit. Wes went through to the kitchen and came back a couple minutes later with a cup of tea. No one had said anything, probably waiting on me.

“Heated up some ice tea. It’ll do,” He said.

“Is that what you want, Connor?” Angel asked.

“Yeah, this is my go-to. That and Jameson. You could get me that,” I said.

Angel made a face. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“What could it harm? I’m not on pain meds so there’s nothing to mix with badly. I’m talking a shot or two, not the bottle, Angel,” I said without any real heat. I was too wrung out for that.

He sighed, leaving the room. I drank my tea, not inviting anyone to sit. Buffy and Dawn took the love seat, giving me my space. They seemed to understand I needed it. Angel returned with one of the bottles my friends had brought earlier in the evening and two shot glasses. He sat on the opposite end of the couch, opened the bottle and poured two shots. He gave me one and drank the other himself.

“You all should go to bed,” I said, shooting the whiskey back. It burned sweetly down my already raw throat. I chased it with the warmth of the tea. 

“If we can help, we want to,” Dawn said.

“You can go to bed, that would help. I’m not very social when I have the dreams.” I sighed, reaching for the whiskey bottle. Angel didn’t surrender it but he poured me more.

“The first night I met you, you were in the bar after one of your dreams,” Dawn said softly. “Drinking whiskey.”

“And now you’ve heard how bad they are.” I sipped at the whiskey this time. “It’s been a while since I had one. The only good thing about being shot was I wasn’t dreaming.”

“Do you seriously want us to go back to bed?” Buffy asked.

“He means it,” Wes answered for me. “Even when he calls me or Kate out he usually wants us to either be quiet or be gone quickly.”

“Sorry,” I muttered. Put that way I sounded like the ass I was. “If you can sleep, please do. I’m sorry my issues woke everyone up.”

Wes didn’t need told again. He was used to this. He headed back upstairs, slowly, reminding me again that he was getting older now. Dawn patted my shoulder as she left, Buffy moving in her wake. Angel, not surprisingly, didn’t move. He simply poured me another drink.

“You don’t have to sit up with me.”

“I’m a creature of the night, remember? I’ll go to bed when the sun rises.” He smiled softly. “Are you okay now, son?”

“No, not really but there isn’t anything you can do. I’ll talk to Jayla about it. There’s something about this dream that I can take off the list of what causes me to have them.”

“Oh?”

“Kate and Jayla have suggested in the past that the conflict in our relationship might be behind these dreams but I think we’re somewhere different now.”

“I’d like to think so.” Scooting closer, Angel put a hand on my arm. “I know about living with the darkness. My dreams might not be as bad as yours now but when I first got my soul back…I wasn’t right for decades, Connor. It got better slowly with time, with doing things I could be proud of. You’re on that path.”

“It’s been a couple decades.”

He shot his whiskey back and poured more. “All right, it was nearly a century. I’m not sure I can help. I know you don’t want to talk about it, especially here in the house but if you ever do, we can go wherever you want.”

I bit my bottom lip, nodding slowly “Thanks, Dad. I will. Someday, not today.”

We drank some in silence. I turned on some ancient TV show. Finally, I fell back asleep on the couch. For all I know, Angel sat there the rest of the night watching over me.

X X

When I woke, sunlight streamed into the living room. Angel was gone. Alone in the room, I prized myself off the couch, stiff and sore. After the morning ablutions, I staggered into the kitchen and found some coffee still hot in the pot. I robbed it, started a new pot, and resigned myself to another breakfast burrito since eggs had not magically appeared in the fridge.

I sat on the couch, instantly ringed by two cats and Bainsidhe. I let them sniff the coffee mug. Moocher and Killmouski jumped on the back of the couch, looking offended I’d drink anything so gross. Bainsidhe, however, held out hopes for a burrito bite. I wasn’t sure if dogs could have jalapenos.

“Bainsidhe, leave the man alone,” Buffy said, wandering in from the direction of the library.

I snorted. “Not likely. Sorry about last night. I hope you got back to sleep.”

She waved me off. “It’s not like you do it on purpose. I knew you had nightmares. I didn’t realize how bad they were.”

Glancing away, I petted Bainsidhe’s big head. 

“Your father might be able to help. He’s not exactly a stranger to what the dark side does to your subconscious.”

“I know. We talked a little last night, vaguely. You know how paranoid I am about talking where I might be overheard.”

“At this point with how Wolfram and Hart is dogging you, I’m not sure you’re paranoid at all.”

I grunted. “Is Dawn around doing book work?” I nodded toward the library.

“With Wes and me.”

“I can help once I have breakfast.”

Buffy shook her head. “You need to rest.”

“Buffy, if I sit around doing nothing for much longer, I’ll go brain dead,” I whined.

“Fine, we could always use fresh eyes. No need to rush. Did you leave any coffee?”

“No but I started another pot. One will never do me.”

She shook her head and meandered into the kitchen. I turned on the TV not ready to rush the meager breakfast. I poured myself a second cup of coffee sweetening it to confectionary standards. Just as I came out of the kitchen, someone knocked at the door. I slugged back the coffee as I went to answer it since everyone else was deeper in the house. I didn’t know the man at the door but he looked pissed. He smelled subtly of perfume and sex though I doubted a normal human would notice.

“Can I help you?” I asked, none too friendly myself. 

He narrowed his eyes. “I thought this was Angel and Buffy’s home.”

“It is. And you are?”

“Chris Nyhammer.”

Well shit. Dawn couldn’t have known he was coming. “So I guess you’re here to talk to Dawn.” I didn’t invite him in.

His heated looked went nuclear. “Yes. How do you know Dawn?”

“I’m Connor, Angel’s brother,” I replied, figuring that would help defuse the situation because I sensed he thought I was here with Dawn. Pretty ballsy for someone who smelled like his lover was still all over him. I took a step back because it would only make matters worse if I shut the door in his face.

“Connor, was someone at the door?” Buffy appeared, and then stopped dead. “Chris? I wasn’t expecting you.”

“Sorry to just drop in. I needed to talk to Dawn. It made no sense to trying to do this on the phone, and I was coming out for your anniversary anyhow.”

“It’s been so busy I’d forgotten about that,” she said, and then turned, calling loudly. “Dawn, Chris is here.”

“What did you say?” Dawn called, running into the room. She tripped to a halt, staring at her husband. “Chris!”

“You weren’t coming home and we needed to talk face to face. I already had tickets to come out for the anniversary party,” he said, going pale as if realizing this was seriously stupid.

Dawn went equally pasty. I felt like an intruder and the way Buffy squirmed suggested she did as well. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m sure there’s plenty to deal with. We should go somewhere and talk, away from…” He glanced right at me.

Dawn picked up on the accusation in that look. “Connor is Angel’s brother. He’s the one who solved Maribel’s case.”

Chris’s gaze swept over me, taking my measure. “I see.”

“I was injured in the line of duty so I’ve been here for the last few days. Buffy’s been looking after me,” I said, sensing he still thought I was here doing Dawn or something.

“Ah. Dawn, can we go somewhere? We really need to talk.” He dismissed me, trying to show he could care less about me but I could almost hear him calculating if he could use me against Dawn with his divorce lawyer.

“I’m busy with something. Can’t it wait? I can meet you later.”

His expression darkened. “I came all this way. We should do it now.”

I took a couple steps and staggered as if my knees had gone out. I kept a death grip on my coffee mug. Play acting was one thing, spilling my saving grace was another. Both Buffy and Dawn flew to my side. 

“Connor, are you all right?” Dawn asked.

“Still weak,” I said. Let her husband see me as something other than a threat. “Buffy, can you help me to my room.”

“Of course.” She slipped an arm around my shoulders but kept glancing back at her sister as she guided me to my room. 

I pushed the door shut and put the mug on the night stand. 

“Are you okay? Do I need to wake up Angel or call in Dr. Meyers?” Buffy pushed me gently to the mattress.

“I’m fine. I just wanted out of there because I couldn’t say this in front of Chris.” I took a deep breath, trying to think of the best way to phrase this. Buffy cocked her head. “Do not let Dawn go with him, Buffy. I can’t get involved. He’ll see me as a threat or her lover trying to keep her from him. I don’t want to give him that fuel once the lawyers get involved. But don’t let her go with him. Don’t let her get in his car or meet him at his hotel room. If she has to talk to him somewhere other than here, make her drive her own car, make her meet him in a public place. If possible, go with her, sit elsewhere if she insists but do not let her be _alone_ with him.”

She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “Chris isn’t a violent man, Connor.”

“What do I do for a living, Buffy? This exact situation is the reason I’m called out half the time. Trust me like you’ve never trusted me before. Dawn is in as much danger as if I had let in a pack of vampires.”

Maybe the look in my eye or my tone convinced her but whatever it was, she nodded. “I’d better get back out there then.”

“Thank you. If we’re lucky, I’m just paranoid and she’s fine. If not, you’re more than a match for him.” I tried to smile but I knew too well how many women had husbands who preferred murder to divorce. 

Buffy left and I decided it was wiser to stay in my room than try to get to the library to help out. Chris didn’t need to see me again. I could play the invalid, which I wasn’t far from. I finished my coffee, turned on my TV and texted Kate to look into who Nyhammer had flown into town with because I was betting he wasn’t alone and that the woman I scented wasn’t some prostitute he found last night. I’d also lay money he wouldn’t be honest about it. I tried to watch TV as I waited on her response and in spite of myself I made up for my lack of sleep last night.

X X 

I woke up a couple hours later to a quiet house again but this time I could hear someone moving around on the first floor, probably Wes in the library. I’d join him in a moment. I peed and checked my phone. I gave Kate a quick call to thank her for some fast work. I shifted on the bed, my sutures itching. I would need to check them soon and get Dr. Meyers out here to yank them out and hope that no one from the office wanted to see the stitches because I couldn’t explain how healed I was.

Someone rapped softly on my door: dad. I glanced at the door. “Come in.”

Angel opened it, peeking in. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

I’m sure he heard my breathing wasn’t that of slumber before he knocked. “I was just about to go join Wes. Why?”

“Just wanted to be sure you were all right and to let you know Dawn and Buffy are coming home.”

“Ah, so he _did_ insist on not staying here for the talk.” I forced myself up off the bed. If it weren’t for the stitches pulling, I’d feel pretty good. 

“They went to a coffee shop. Buffy drove her and I’m getting the idea you aren’t Dawn’s favorite person right now.” Angel trailed after me as I headed for the library. 

“Let me guess, thinks I pulled some male protector bullshit.”

“Didn’t you?”

“No, that was homicide detective protective bullshit. Nami would have done the same.” I shrugged. “Dawn will get over it. If not, then Buffy will be happier. She’s not exactly keen on the idea that Dawn might like me.”

“I think she’s relenting a little on that.”

“Because I’m being nice to you?”

“Yes, that’s part of it.” Angel’s brow furrowed. “I think she did go watch the recording of that night Annamarie died.”

“Good. I probably should make some tea before I go in there.” 

“Wes has a pot ready.” 

I nodded and slipped inside the library. “Have we made any progress?”

“Not nearly enough,” Wes said as Angel pushed the tea tray my way. 

I helped myself. “I’m assuming we’ve given up on the whole bringing someone we loved back from the dead thing. I’m sure it occurred to everyone shooting me was a hell of a lot cheaper and easier.”

“It crossed our minds.” Wes pushed a few books my way. “We’re concentrating on the portals and contacting as many portal mages as we can.”

“How’s that going?” I sipped the tea, Irish Breakfast if I didn’t miss my guess. 

“We have nearly a dozen on board. I’m feeling confident that in the worst-case scenario, that we can’t stop them before they open the portals, we’ll be able to close them fairly quickly,” Wes said.

“Any thoughts on as to why they’d do this?”

“Lindsey’s lead suggested they’re selling marauding rights and weapons, so they can go to any dimension and fight,” Angel replied.

“Lovely. That’s all we need.”

The front door banged open, and I braced myself. I wished they’d just by pass the library but when did I ever get lucky? Fury radiated off both women as they stomped in. They stopped, stared at me and my brain screamed, move, run, hide, and I’m not a man who runs from much. Buffy favored me with a sharp nod, and then slid in next to Angel. Dawn prowled the periphery of the room, too agitated to take roost.

“Are you okay?” Angel asked, being the lightning rod for me. _Good going, Dad. I’ll give you more Jameson._

“I can’t believe Chris just showed up here!” Dawn finally threw herself into a seat. “And it didn’t help matters that you…”

“Me what?” Might as well let her get it out.

“Just you being you. You answered the door and he has it in his head we’re having an affair.”

No one mentioned we had had a fling. No one was dumb enough to throw that gas on the fire. “Sorry I answered the door and I know what he thinks from the look he gave me. It’s why I said I’d been hurt and was here recovering. Invite him over to look at the sutures if it makes him happy. No one is going to look at me and think I’m capable of having sex at the moment even if you were digging the Frankenstein monster look.” 

She curled her lip at me. “And you also sent Buffy with me, which really pissed him off.”

“Fine, better that then the alternative,” I snapped back.

“I can handle myself.” Dawn narrowed her eyes at me. I half expected Dad or Wes to step in but they wisely kept their mouths shut.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t. I’m a cop who’s been to one too many domestic scenes. Better to prevent them than clean them up after,” I said. Dawn’s glare heated up, and then she turned her back to me and grabbed one of the tomes Wes had on the table.

“It was still a jerk move,” she said finally and Buffy, of all people, shot me an apologetic look. 

“I wasn’t going to say something because I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do but since I’m a _jerk_ and he already thinks you’re cheating on him and is probably talking about using that to his advantage in court,” I started, and she spun on her chair, her face letting me know I was right. “Who’s Amy Roberts?”

Dawn lost all color. “Where did you hear that name?”

“So, you know her.”

“She works with Chris. Why?”

“She’s here with him. They flew in together, and they’re both at the Hampton, in theory in two rooms because she’s also signed up for a work convention and they’re probably writing it off but I can tell you what her perfume smells like.” And her private parts but I didn’t need to be coarse.

Dawn’s face mottled and for a split second I thought she’d hit me with that book. “He’s having an affair with Amy?”

“Are you sure?” Buffy asked.

“He’s sure,” Angel replied studying my face.

“How? How could you know that?” Dawn demanded, slapping her palm down on the table.

“I can smell it. Vampire senses, remember? I knew the moment I opened the door.”

“Really? I mean can you…” Buffy looked at me in horror. 

“I don’t go around trying to sniff it out but yes if you two are intimate, I’d either hear it or know it later.” I waved my hand between her and Angel. “Half of him being too distracted for sexy times since I’ve been here is part worry about me and the other part not trying to traumatize me for life.”

“You’re going home soon,” Buffy muttered under her breath but naturally I heard that and so did Angel.

“Soon enough, but not so soon that Nami will wonder. I might have to move into the Hyperion and tell her Wes is looking out for me. Or I don’t know, you have that big ass car you could play in.”

“Connor,” Angel hissed in warning.

“He’s having a god damn affair and he has the nerve to accuse _me_.” Dawn stood up so fast she knocked her chair over. “I can’t believe this. How long has it been going on? How did you come up with Amy’s name?”

“I have no idea how long and I’m detective. This is what I do. I wasn’t sure if I should tell you. Hell, I’m still not sure I should have but if he’s going to be a dick about you potentially having an affair, then you should be armed with the knowledge he actually is.”

“I hate every part of this.” She fixed the chair and sat again. “I just want to lose myself in the work but I can’t not with…this, with all of you here.”

“You work, do what you need to. I’ll go.” I got up.

Her shoulders slumped. “Connor, that’s not…it’s not what I meant.”

“It’s fine, Dawn. You need to work. I need to go be the patient. I can do that anywhere. I’m not exactly helping much at the moment anyhow.”

I’m not sure that was entirely true. I hadn’t even had time to start looking at the books but that was fine. Let her have some space. I picked up my tea cup and went out to the couch. I probably should get myself more tea but I’d worry about it later. Bainsidhe joined me on the sofa and I flipped the TV on, down low. 

Buffy came out of the library surprising me. She sat in the chair opposite me. “She isn’t really mad at you.”

“It’s fine, Buffy. She’s understandably upset and she can’t punch at him. I’m a good substitute. It’s not like I’m unfamiliar with being the punching bag.” That came out far more bitter than I wanted it to be.

She said nothing to that, glancing back toward the library. “She’s independent.”

“I know. I guess what I did could be seen as patronizing. I wasn’t trying to do that.”

“No, I get it. You were concerned and I’m not unhappy you’re protective of her. She’ll calm down eventually and I just…” She shook her head. “I don’t know what I’m trying to do here. Anyhow, you do know I was joking about you leaving here, right?”

I stroked Bainsidhe’s shoulders. “I do get humor. But I won’t overstay my welcome. I’m sure I’ll leave faster than Dad is willing to let me go.” 

“He’d prefer it if you never left even though he knows we’d probably all get on each other’s nerves very quickly.” She grinned.

“Yeah, we’d be staking each other or ourselves before the month was out.”

Buffy laughed. “Truth. I better get back. You just chill out for a while. And I know I haven’t said it, but I did watch the video from the night Annamarie died.” She took a deep breath. I didn’t let on Angel had told me. “I’m sorry. I should have done that immediately. I’m sorry for being angry for so long.”

“Thank you. It’s okay. She was your friend and you were hurting.”

Her expression crumbled. “She was yours too.”

“But I don’t make it easy to trust me. We can leave it in the past.”

She patted my shoulder. “Thank you.” 

I watched her go, and then I turned my attention to the TV, brooding as only Dad and I could do. I might have dozed off again. Eventually my stomach forced me out of my brood and into the kitchen. No one else seemed to realize dinner time encroached so I took out Nami’s offering for my sick care. I set my phone on the counter, turned on some music and started to work. Bainsidhe nearly took out my knees, circling me for food she didn’t need.

“Bainsidhe, out.” I pointed to the door. She parked herself outside the doorway, two paws remaining on the kitchen tiling. Her huge brown eyes tracked my every movement, doing her Jedi mind tricks to make me drop stuff. Moocher took up residence next to her and Killmouski strutted in and curled up along the under-sink cabinets.

“Ridiculous, all of you. You have no concept of what it is to go hungry. I can tell you all about it from vast experience. It’s not _this_!”

Moocher meowed dismissively. Ignoring the marauding band of spoiled pets, I started slopping the Fårikål into one stock pan. Singing along with my phone, I drew another stock pan full of water to boil the raspeballs. As the stuff heated, I grabbed a Smithwick’s out of the fridge. Lawson was finally good for something. I drank, sang and stirred while waiting for the big pot of water to boil.

“They’re eyeing you like dinner.”

I whipped around, spoon in hand. Lorne and Angel stood there. I hadn’t heard them over how loud I had the music. “Hey Lorne, wasn’t expecting you but there’s plenty if you want to have dinner with me.”

“Thanks. You’re looking better, baby blue.”

I was never going to break Lorne of using pet names, so I no longer tried. “Feeling a lot better.”

“Great.”

“Should you be doing that?” Angel asked.

“Cooking, drinking or singing?” I arched an eyebrow at him. “Or all of the above?”

“All of the above.” He smirked.

“One, you have _no_ room to talk about anyone’s singing. Two, I feel fine. I can reheat food without hurting myself and three, I’m more than old enough to drink when I want to. Today seems like an excellent day for drinking.”

“You don’t know the half of it. I was going to suggest you sing more and find _me_ something to drink,” Lorne replied.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, what now?”

“Connor…” Angel started, and I held up the spoon.

“If you say language, I’ll embed this in you somewhere.” I warned, shaking the spoon for emphasis. “I have stout in the fridge and Angel put the open bottle of Jameson somewhere. Buffy has some sweet shit on the door. What did you see that you want me singing more?”

Lorne stepped around the furry door guardians and got himself a watermelon ‘Rita from the fridge. “A literal hoard of vampires looking for you and Gunn was there, seeming almost afraid.”

“That would be Ul-Thur’s followers, and Gunn damn well _should_ be afraid if he’s painted a target on Connor,” Angel growled.

“No shit. Thanks, Lorne, there goes my appetite.”

“Sorry Kiddo. I’m going to go say hello to the rest of our bunch. Wes texted me that Dawn’s had a bad day,” Lorne said. 

“Proceed with caution,” I replied as he sailed away, ‘Rita in hand.

My phone launched into Bad Religion’s _Whisper in Time_ as I attacked the Fårikål with the spoon as if it was the enemy.

“This is depressing music.”

“Fine.” I left the spoon in the pot and opened the folder on the phone containing Dropkick Murphy and Flogging Molly songs before going back to stirring. “Irish punk and hard rock it is.”

“Punk?” His heavy brow furrowed. “Are you _trying_ to be Spike?”

“Don’t make me boil your head.” I thumped the stock pot with the spoon.

“Guess it’s better than the depressing stuff. And you do know you’re not alone, don’t you, Connor?”

He sounded so sad, melancholy as the music, as sad as I felt. “I know but depression doesn’t care.”

Angel sighed. “I know that too.”

I glanced over my shoulder. “I suppose you do.”

“You might know this. If not for Buffy, I’d have greeted the sun, back when she was a teen. You’d never have been born.”

I grunted. _Probably not the worst thing,_ I thought, but didn’t voice it. He didn’t deserve that. “I didn’t know you tried to die.”

“The Powers made it snow in southern California.”

“Wow, that’s a sign.” It was hard to wrap my head around that. I went back to stirring the Fårikål, not because it needed it but because I might cry if I didn’t distract myself.

Suddenly his arms were around me, hugging me tight enough to pull on the incisions. His head rested on mine. “Never forget I love you, son.”

I squirmed, unused to the display of affection. “Let go!” He tightened his hold instead. “I have a wooden spoon. Don’t make me use it. You don’t want it in the books that Angelus. the Scourge of Europe. met his end at the blunt end of a cooking utensil.”

Angel let go, laughing, and ruffled my hair playfully. “You are never going to be my easy-going son.”

“Why is Connor threatening to kill you?” Buffy skirted Bainsidhe as she hurried into the kitchen. “What did you do, Angel?”

“He _hugged_ me!”

Buffy shot Angel a mock horrified look. “What part of Connor’s a feral cat that you’re _not_ getting?”

“Core concept obviously,” I muttered paraphrasing _Archer_ Angel looked sheepish but not particularly apologetic.

“You let feral cats come to you. You try to pet them too soon, you’ll end up scratched, and he’ll be in the basement and all you’ll see are eyes staring out from under something,” she continued her analogy.

I snorted.

“Don’t regret it,” Angel replied.

“Next time don’t hug my stitches loose.” I salted the water for the raspeballs.

“And why does my kitchen smell like a giant fart?” Buffy wrinkled her nose. “It’s not that horrible stomach soup, is it?”

“No, it’s the cabbage in the Fårikål. There’s plenty. I figured you’d try it. Wasn’t sure if Dawn’s up for dinner but there’s enough for all.” I dropped some of the potato dumplings into the boiling water.

“It has lamb, right?” She shot the pot a suspicious look. “I’m not sure about that.”

“Taste it. If you hate it, go nuke something else.”

“This might be Scandinavian but it’s also the most Irish thing ever,” Angel said.

“Potatoes, cabbage and lamb? I’d say so,” I replied.

“I’ll try it. I’ll set the table.” Buffy side eyed me. “Should you even be cooking?”

“You’re as bad as Angel. I’m good enough to be on my own. Trust me.”

“Okay, Angel, don’t hover. Help me set the table or feed Bainsidhe.”

They dispersed. Lorne’s dire predictions and Angel’s emotional outburst aside, this felt like home. Now what the hell do I do with that?

 

**Later That Night – Spike**

“Why the hell do you smell like you farted yourself to death?” I glared at Angel as we approached Wolfram and Hart in my boring, nondescript Civic. I was already annoyed that plans had changed. Buffy hadn’t come with us and Mary Ellen had joined the other Slayers for some patrolling. I wanted a buffer between me and the big idiot.

“Connor reheated one of the cabbage dinners for us tonight.” Peaches ruffled his hair. “I think it soaked into my pores.”

“Lovely.” I fished out a cigarette and lit up. The smell was an improvement. “Can’t believe that Dawnie’s husband showed up. And the blighter is having an affair.”

“And accusing Dawn of the same,” Angel muttered, playing with the stake launcher he wore on his wrist.

“With your brat of all people. As if.” I snorted.

“Crazy, right?” Angel grumbled.

There was something in his tone that made me glance over. Shifty eyed, head down, oh damn. “Are you _kidding_ me? That plonker touched my Li’l Bit?” I roared.

“I dare you to call her that to her face. And yeah, she apparently wanted a little of what you two give the Slayers,” he replied, defensive. 

The steering wheeled creaked under my grip. “I’ll turn him into a bloody eunuch!”

“It was Dawn’s idea.”

“Still.” I pulled into a spot down the street from the law firm. “He’s a dead man walking.”

“Buffy would probably help.” He pouted. I hadn’t seen him this sulky in a long while. “Obviously we’re keeping a lid on that in front of her husband.”

“He better avoid me,” I said meaning either man but if Dawn wanted a little extra martial fun it wasn’t my business. So, why did it feel like it was? “Why are we here?”

“Lorne said they’re sending the cult of Ul-Thur after Connor as an extra added distraction. We suspected it of course but now it seems a certainty.”

“Do they know Connor’s on the mend?”

“We’re not sure. I hope not. Let them think he’s still down for the count. Or they might go back to plan A and resurrect someone.”

I thought about all the pain that would invoked. I hated the idea. “Are we going to hang him out as bait?”

Angel grimaced. “At dinner, he said he was fine with it. I’m not because he’s not at full strength. Hell, he’s still more stitches than flesh.”

“Let them gnaw on him He’s full of Slayers’ blood. Wonder what that’ll taste like after it’s run through his body?” I mused, honestly considering it.

“You won’t be finding out.” Angel punched my arm.

“Come on, you can’t tell me you’re not curious.”

“Go ahead take a nibble see what happens.” He smirked. There he was, my mentor, the wicked prat I liked in spite of myself.

“He might be willing to spare a few drops.” I could speculate on the taste, right?

“Highly doubtful. Connor still believes the only good vampire is a dusted one.”

I snorted. “How are we getting inside? This place has vampire sensors and I’m sure we were taken off the whitelist years ago.”

“We’re not. Gunn’s still inside. I sent Kate in, in disguise. We’re just watching the door. He works late but should be leaving soon. We’re following him.”

“Sounds boring. Too bad the little wanker isn’t healthier. He could have done this with you. I could be info gathering at Clem’s.”

“Or drinking.”

“That too. Oi, there’s our boy.” I pointed with my cigarette as a corvette pulled out of the corporate garage. I pulled back onto the street.

We followed him to a posh club. I wasn’t sure they’d let us in dressed as we were. They didn’t stop us luckily and we did what we did best, hide in the shadows at a wonky little table. The music was some horrible dance techno crap but played low as if the little dance floor wasn’t really the point of this club, almost if it was ironic. I wanted a drink but there was no way of getting to the bar without being seen by Gunn, provided he was paying attention.

“Hmm, that might explain a few things,” Angel muttered.

I glanced over but didn’t see what sparked his interest. “What?”

He jutted his jaw to a dark haired woman in red leather pants and a black top cut perfectly for her. She reminded me of Faith a lot. Maybe it was better I was here instead of Brood Junior because he’d be tripping over his own tongue. He always did love how Faith dressed and who could blame him? “Who’s she?”

“Gwen Raiden. She’s a mutant of some sort. She generates electricity enough to kill. Wolfram and Hart had a device that helps her control it. I tried to help her but her skills made it too easy to make millions stealing things. If someone could have found the killer of the dead ingredients, it would be her.” 

“So we’re gonna have a little chat with her once she’s done with our boy?” She naturally sat with Gunn after giving him a big kiss. I regarded them for a moment. “But they look super cozy, not gonna bet she’ll flip on him.”

“We’d be better off with our original plan of following them. Talking to her is dangerous, not kidding. She hit me so hard with her lightning it started my heart beating.”

“Bloody hell.” Wonder what that felt like. Judging by the conflict on Peaches’ face, it hadn’t been pleasant, maybe downright terrifying and yet, did he feel almost alive again?

“We’d be better off setting up an appointment with her on the pretext of finding something for us. She might come out of curiosity. Gwen knows we can’t afford her but she also knows she’s not a priority for us in terms of stopping her.”

“Why is that?”

He shrugged. “Partly because I felt sorry for her because of how isolating her condition is but mostly she robs one rich bad guy and gives it to another rich bad guy. On the other hand, she likely made it possible to nearly murder my son.”

“So she isn’t likely to tell you anything.”

“Neither of them are. It’s Gunn that _hurts_. We were friends. It’s one thing to defend the supernatural evil in court and another to try to kill me or Connor, to sign off on harming innocents in the process.”

I could hear the growl in his voice, knew he hadn’t transformed but only just. The demon inside wanted out and I didn’t blame him. Angelus had jealously guarded anything he considered his. Angel had only loved a few people in the time I’d known him but he’d do anything, go to any lengths, to protect them. Hell, I might even be in that category not that the big wanker would ever admit it. Someone had hurt his precious son and someone would eventually pay. If Connor hadn’t killed the blighter himself, no doubt Angel would have sent me to finish the sniper off. I would have, too. I cared about my jackass of an uncle. Still gonna kick him square in the bullocks for touching Dawn, though.

“Wolfram and Hart is huge,” I said, remembering my own time there when I came back after saving the bloody world. Gunn had been a cool dude. Hard to think of him though without thinking of Fred. Talk about things that hurt. I could have loved that girl. “Maybe Gunn wasn’t part of the hit on Connor or you.”

“Maybe,” he grumbled. Once Angel got it into that big melon of his you were his enemy it was hard to kick the notion free.

“Oi, look over there.” I nodded to the end of the bar. A petite Hispanic girl sat there poking her straw into an enormous vat of a margarita. Her fake i.d. had to be fantastic because she was obviously under aged. Equally apparent, she was on the prowl. “Ain’t that one of the girls from the slumber party pictures your son had?”

Angel studied her, nodding. “That’s her, good catch! Change of plans, one of us needs to see if we can find the cult of Ul-Thur through her, if that’s why she was turned and neutralize her either way.”

“I’ll stay on Gwen. She doesn’t know me. You handle slumber party.”

I leaned back in my chair as Angel closed the short distance between us and the end of the bar. Gunn was probably too occupied to notice either of us now. That was the good thing about looking forever young; the girl didn’t bat an eye at Angel’s attempts to pick her up. I glanced back at my target. Gwen and Gunn weren’t having a business meeting, not with the way they were playing footsie under the table. I really didn’t want to follow her home and witness any of that.

“I was hoping your blond friend would come too.” I heard the girl telling Angel loudly, obviously meant to catch my attention. He shot me a look.

Shrugging, I stood. This wouldn’t take too long. Hopefully Gwen and Gunn would still be here later but we always knew where to find him tomorrow if not. “Ask and you shall receive.”

“Ooo, that accent. I want to go somewhere I can hear it better. I’m Elena, by the way.” She batted her eyes at me, clumsily. She had been a girl just coming into her sexuality and being a vampire didn’t exactly confer the ability to woo. It was amazing though just how often my accent could get me into an American woman’s bed had I wanted it too. She swung off the bar stool, grabbing my hand and Angel’s. She pulled us toward the back exit, which was for staff judging by the way it spat us into an alley with empty kegs on pallets and the club’s Dumpster.

“Ah, the scenic route,” I snorted.

“It’s quiet here. No one will see us.” She smiled.

Swaying on his feet, Angel shot her a goofy grin. “Just what did you have in mind?” Angel managed drunk and stupid well. Of course if I believed Darla, that was his default setting.

“I have big plans for you two. Dreama will be so proud.” She tossed her arms around Angel’s neck, trying to draw him down to her fangs, picking drunk and dumb as her easiest target. 

I’ll give her credit, she got right down to it, no games for her. Angel pushed her back effortlessly. She shook her head, gold eyes glinting dangerous. “You’re new, aren’t you?” I asked even though I knew she was.

“You aren’t scared? Do you know I’m a vampire?” she huffed so like the teenager she had been.

Angel and I both morphed. “That’s why he said you’re new. You didn’t listen for the heartbeat.”

“Oh.” She pouted, going back to human. “I was hoping to recruit more for Dreama. I want to be the one who brings in the most.”

Angel arched an eyebrow. “Dreama?”

“You don’t know her?”

“We’re new here,” I lied, suspecting Dreama was too or Angel would know her.

“She just came down from Portland because she’s been drawn to the Miracle Child.” The rapture in her face nearly made me laugh.

I recovered myself and cocked my head to the side. “Miracle Child?”

“How could you not know? He’s the offspring of two vampires.”

“That would be a miracle,” Angel agreed.

“He’s going to lead us to something more. He has powers we can only dream of. With him, we’ll rule this world! The Great potentate Ul-Thur foresaw it.”

Wow, she was already such a true believer. I hadn’t even believed in anything this completely or excitedly, except maybe that the Sex Pistols were sent straight from hell to entertain me. “Can we meet this miracle child?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Not yet. Soon.”

“Can we at least meet Dreama?” Angel asked.

The girl looked us over and took out her phone, texting someone. “I have to ask. It’d be okay if I had made you but Dreama said the vampires here aren’t all awoken to the Miracle Child’s greatness. She said some are dangerous. How do I know you aren’t those guys?”

“Wouldn’t we have attacked you the moment you showed your face if we were?” Angel shrugged. “We’re seriously curious about this miracle boy.”

Before she could answer, the door opened and a bartender backed out, dragging a black bag of garbage. The young vampire slapped her phone against my chest and said, “Hold this. She’s _my_ recruit!”

She leapt at the woman, fangs out. The bartender screamed and tried to make it back inside. Angel pulled the girl off, whirling her into the wall. The bartender scurried inside, throwing the lock on the door, still screaming.

Our target bounced back up, glaring at us. “You _are_ the foolish vampires who don’t understand the miracle!”

Typical teenaged sense of invulnerability kicked in and she charged Angel. Guess the idea of two on one was bad one never crossed her mind. Angel danced aside and I fished for my cigarettes. He wasn’t going to need my help with this one. Let him get all bruised up. He sent her sprawling into the mound of kegs. The empty kegs went flying and she broke through the pallet beneath them. Part of it poked straight up from between her small breasts. She had a second to stare at the old wood before she went to dust.

“Well, that didn’t go to plan,” he grunted.

“All’s not lost.” I lipped a cigarette out of the pack and held up her phone. “Kids today keep everything on these things. Bet we can find Dreama and the rest of the morons with this.”

Angel beamed. “Great. And do me a favor, Spike. Don’t tell Connor about all the details. He’ll just get a swelled head.”

I chortled. Oh, Connor would love hearing how he was God to vampires. “Who wouldn’t? Better see if we can pick up Gwen and Gunn’s trail.”

We couldn’t. The screaming bartender had excited the whole club. People were streaming out of the place as if it were on fire. Gwen and Gunn must have been among the first out. His car was gone from the lot as well. We decided not to wait around to see if cops came. We’d take the phone to Willow and let her work her magic on it.


	26. Connor & Angel

Chapter Twenty-Six – Connor

_Well I never pray,_  
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah  
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah  
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now  
**Bittersweet symphony – the Verve**

I drank a huge cup of coffee, as I rested on the couch watching TV after breakfast. Spike had called me last night erasing all doubts about the followers of Ul-Thur were after me. Granted I knew that because Dad had told me too, but Spike provided a few more details that Angel obviously didn’t want me to know. Dickhead. Like I was going to run out and let them worship me. That said, I almost had to meet these people now.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Dawn sat next to me. 

“Just enjoying my coffee and thinking on the wackiness of vampire cultists.” I grinned.

“Vampires are definitely a strange bunch. Has Spike ever told you about the Order of Aurelius?” 

“No, but I read up on them anyhow. I should ask questions but…honestly I don’t want to know much about that part of my heritage, you know?”

Dawn’s hair swung as she nodded. “Connor, I’m sorry about yesterday. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”

“It’s fine. I know you’re angry and it needs to go somewhere. I’m okay.” It only hurt a little because what I said about her anger was true.

She rested a hand on my arm. “Still, I am sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” I glanced over toward the library. “Do we need to start up with the books?”

“I am taking a break for the morning. Are you watching anything, or can I turn the channel?”

“Go nuts.”

“Can I confess something?” She ducked her head, shielding her face with the long fall of her hair. “I like watching true crime on ID Discovery. Would that be weird if I turn it on?”

“True fact, I like solving crimes too.” I laughed.

“Good because I already have it recording for Angel when I saw it the other day on the guide as upcoming. It’s a case where you and Nami were involved, and I thought…maybe you wouldn’t mind talking about it. If that’s weird, fine. I can watch it later.”

I couldn’t hide my surprise. “Which one? Nami and I were involved in two shows that revolved around the major crimes unit.”

“The serial killer one. I know that might be hard for you to watch.”

“I am not going to lie. That case cut out my soul, the parts of it the soul eater didn’t get.” I scowled, knowing the case she meant all too well. It haunted me. “But I’m willing to watch it with you if you’d give me a moment to get more coffee.”

She took my mug. “I’ll get it. Soul eater?”

“Yeah, thanks to Dad, I damn near lost my soul, never to get it back.”

“That is horrible,” she said, heading into the kitchen. 

“Tell me about it. I already hated him at that point. Let me tell you, that did _not_ help.” I rubbed my chest. I had nightmares about that sometimes too because it had terrified me. The two most frightening moments of my first year in this world had been the Beast breaking my ribs and the whole sex thing that happened with Cordy after it, and the whole nearly losing my soul thing. Gunn had rescued me so I hated like hell that he might be behind Karen’s death and my shooting.

“I’m sure not.” Dawn came back quickly with a very sweet coffee, maybe even too sweet for me but I’d not tell her that. She turned the channel. “Are you sure this is okay?”

I nodded. I’d probably cry but that was fine. Faith and Willow seemed to go around telling people I cry at the drop of a hat anyhow. “It’s fine. I’m proud to have been part of that task force, that we caught the bastard and he’ll never hurt anyone again.” Truthfully his was another case where I hoped he’d opt for suicide by cop, but he didn’t. 

Dawn said she was recording it and I’m sure Angel would watch it. Wes told me long ago Angel saved every news article he found about any of my cases. It was sad in a way and that was my fault for letting the hate go on for so long. This case swept Dawn up in just the first few minutes before Nami and I ever made our appearance. It was hard not to be interested in a case where some sick fuck went around murdering young girls. You wanted him to be caught and punished. It didn’t matter who you were. You didn’t know those girls personally but who cared? As a species this bothered us on a cellular level.

Within a few minutes, Nami and I were on camera and the host was asking me a question, one that I made it three seconds before I had to stop and ask for a moment because I was misty eyed, and throat bound. Sitting next to Dawn, I rubbed my eyes as they welled.

She looked ready to say something and maybe turn the channel. Suddenly the front door opened, and Andrew came in, carting an arm load of big texts. He sailed toward us smiling at Dawn then it morphed into a scowl when he spotted me. Dawn paused the TV. 

“Oh, I wasn’t expecting you,” he said.

“Again, I’m living here for now. You know this.” I didn’t even try to hide the eye roll.

He curled his lips at me, and then turned to Dawn. “Wes asked me to bring these over today. He said you’d be able to help go over them. I’m not good with Gaelic, like at all.”

She sighed. “Put them on the table. I’ll get to them as soon as I finish this.”

“Why are you and Wes coming here instead of doing this at the Hyperion?” I had been wondering about that. If they did the researching there, I wouldn’t have to deal with him.

“I thought that was obvious.” Dawn patted my hand. “We’re here to keep an eye on you.”

“Oh, for the….I don’t need that. I did but after the Slayer’s blood, I’m fine.”

“Angel doesn’t think so and Wes agreed we could just as easily work here,” she said.

“It is an imposition, but Angel usually gets what he wants,” Andrew sniped.

“If you want, Wes is in the library,” Dawn said, trying to move him along. “I’ll be along when this is over.”

Instead he hovered next to a chair. If he planned on sitting down, I’d kick him in the ass. “Why are you watching home videos of him crying like a child?”

I tensed. Punching him would feel so good but Dawn put her hand on my knee, and I settled. “I’m crying because this is a true crime show about a case I helped solve about a serial killer who raped girls, all under the age of twelve and cut out their eyes as souvenirs. You’ll forgive me if the memory of standing over those little girls’ bodies made me cry.” 

He stared at me for a second, red-faced before turning back to Dawn. “Whenever you’re ready to help then.”

“Actually, I’ve a better idea,” I said. “You go help Wes with whatever and Dawn and I can go through these books once she’s done watching the show.”

Andrew narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re not a Watcher.”

“We’ve been over this. I’m part of the team and if you have issues with that, go take it up with Wes,” I growled, half rising from my seat, but Dawn stopped me again.

“You did say you can’t read Gaelic,” she added far more diplomatically than I felt.

He shook his head. “It’s not a language I’m good with.”

I grinned viciously, cold as a demon. “Well I _can_ speak and read Gaelic so I’ll help her.”

Andrew settled into the chair. I was never going to be rid of him. “ _I’m_ supposed to be helping. I can take notes for her. And someone like you is of dubious help at best.”

I smirked, chaining up my temper. “ _Gabh transna ort fhéin, Cúl tóna_ ,” I said and next to me Dawn swallowed a snicker. She knew what I’d said. Dickhead probably thought I was simply showing off.

“Is that supposed to impress me?”

I waved him off. “ _Níl tada níos measa na bód ina seasamh._ ” Out of the corner of my eye I watched Dawn biting her lip to keep from laughing.

She pulled herself together. “I think that proves Connor can help with the Gaelic.”

“I’m not so sure. Speaking it is one thing but can he _read_?”

“ _Póg mo thóin_ ,” I tossed off.

“Connor.” Dawn slapped at me but managed to hit my coffee cup spilling it all over me. “Oh no! I’m sorry!”

“It’s soaking into my dressings.” I tugged my soaked shirt away from my skin.

“And into your incisions!” Horror crept over her face.

“I’ll have to change them, but I can’t get the ones on my back.”

“I’ll help. Andrew, go help Wes. I’ve got this.” Dawn took my hand and pulled me off the couch.

She managed to make it into my bedroom and shut the door before bursting out laughing. “God, you are awful. I am sorry about slapping your coffee all over you.”

“It was worth it. He’s probably sitting out there waiting on you.” I stripped off my shirt and tossed it in the sink to run water on it.

“I’m sure. Sit down.” Dawn had out the big bag of dressings and the bandage scissors. She cut the sopping dressings free.

“How does it look on my back?” I asked as she walked into the bathroom to toss the coffee-soaked cotton.

“The incisions look healed but the areas around the sutures are red and puffy.”

I glanced down at myself. “Yeah, same on the front. I’m going to text Doctor Meyers and have her come remove these. I’m pretty sure my body is pissed they’re still in me.” I jumped as someone knocked at the front door.

Dawn settled me back down. “You sit until I’m finished. Let Andrew or someone answer that.”

“All right.”

“You shouldn’t let Andrew get under your skin.”

“I’m not a turn the other cheek sort of guy, Dawn. He’s very lucky I haven’t fed him to the vampires by now.” I meant that. I had been seriously tempted on more than one mission. I’m sure ‘accidents happen’ would have been believed by all who knew him. Spike was right. Being the good guy was tough.

“I’m sure. I texted Chris last night. Told him I knew about Amy. He didn’t deny it. Said it had only started up recently, that he felt bad and conflicted.” She rolled her eyes, setting out the fresh bandages.

“I still feel conflicted myself for telling you. I probably shouldn’t have put my nose in.”

Someone rapped on the bedroom door. I exchanged glances with Dawn and then called, “Come in.”

We were both stunned to see Chris standing there, neither of us could move. The storm clouds on his face no doubt were mirrored by my own. I knew exactly what Andrew had said to make this man so angry, so I nudged Dawn aside and stood. I faced off with Chris. His eyes widened as all color fled his face. 

“Let me guess, the little prick that answered the door made it sound like we were in here having fun,” I growled.

He gulped like a landed fish. “I…yes, but, my god, what happened to you?”

“Chris, what are you even doing here?” Dawn sighed.

“I wanted to talk to you face to face about Amy and the possibility of you coming back to New York after your sister’s anniversary party so we could speed the divorce along. Because you’re right, we’re on different paths. It was just hard to hear it out loud and I was an ass about it. I’m sorry.” 

I’ll give him credit, he said it right to her face, ignoring me.

“And you don’t think I’m having an affair with Connor too?” Her tone of voice bit like a rabid dog.

He shook his head. “I did until I saw that. I…don’t even know what to say to that.” He waved a hand at me.

“I was shot six times in the line of duty,” I replied. “Trust me, even if I were willing to risk coming apart like a rag doll during sex, I’ve had over a dozen transfusions since this happened. I’m sure there’s not enough blood in me to allow for sex.” But enough apparently for me to blush as I said that. Geez. 

“Then why did he suggest…you know?” Chris glanced over his shoulder.

“Because he hates me and wants me in trouble? Because he’d like to be the one to have an affair with Dawn and she wouldn’t give him the time of day?” I shrugged. “He’s an ass?”

“I’m going with that one. Sit down, Connor. I was helping him change his dressings, Chris, after I spilled coffee on him.”

“What’s going on here?” Buffy’s voice called from behind Chris. She appeared with Angel.

“Chris came to talk,” Dawn said. “He and I can go in the dining room. Angel can finish helping Connor with his dressings.”

“Of course,” Angel said, sidling in around Buffy and Chris.

Dawn caught Chris’s hand and tried to tug him out of the room, but he grabbed the door frame, turning to look at me. “You’re the one who told Dawn not to go with me, weren’t you? I would never hurt her.”

“I don’t know you,” I replied. “And I’m homicide. What I know is about forty-seven percent of women murdered are killed by their significant others, often in lieu of divorce.”

“What?” Buffy whirled on me. “You didn’t tell _me_ that!”

“I didn’t want you to panic and I knew you’d look out for your sister without that detail. You have no idea how many cases I’ve worked when a spouse, who has never committed a crime, decided murder was easier than divorce. So yes, I told her not to be alone and I don’t regret that even if she was pissed because she thought I was being the overprotective male riding to the rescue.”

“That’s…that’s exactly what happened to Maribel,” Dawn whispered, tears welling up and spilling down her face. Chris pulled her to him and rubbed her back. “I watch those shows and I’ve heard that number before but…”

“But you trust your husband,” I finished for her. “I trust very few. It’s a failing.”

She nodded, slipping her hand into Chris’s and took him away from the room. I peered outside and wasn’t surprised to see Andrew watching from the hallway. I grinned at him and called, “ _Gabh síos ort fhéin_ ,” before ducking back into my room. Angel just eyed me shaking his head. 

“Connor.”

“If you say language, I will find something in here to beat you to death with.”

He cocked up his eyebrows. “I was going to say, you speak Gaelic excellently. If I were a little more like you, I’d have said that myself to him eons ago. Now sit down and we’ll finish doing this. What happened?”

“Dawn made me spill my coffee. I need a shirt.” I settled on the bed so Dad could start rebandaging me. It was only necessary to keep the stitches from catching on everything. 

Buffy took two t-shirts out of the closet. “Which one?” she asked as someone knocked on the front door again.

“That one.” Angel pointed to one that had a fingerprint on it in the shades of the Irish flag and a shamrock in the middle reading _It’s in my DNA_. 

She tossed it to him and hung the other on the door knob as she went to see who was outside.

“I can pick my own stuff,” I huffed.

“But I _do_ like this one. It’s appropriate, certainly more so than ‘ _Shut up liver, you’re Irish’_.”

“Is this going to be a lecture?” I sighed as he taped down one dressing on my back.

“Anything I say in that realm will not win me any favors so no. But you do know how I died.”

“Yeah mom said she stalked you for days. Did you know that?”

He grunted. “Not surprised.”

“She wanted to be sure, and I quote, ‘that she had found the right combination of pretty and stupid.”

He slapped the second piece of tape on with far more force than necessary as Buffy returned calling out, “Connor, Nami is here to see you.”

“Hi,” I said as she rounded the corner carrying a couple of thick files. She took one look at me with all the exposed sutures and turned away.

“Oh, God! I can’t…” She stumbled out of the room.

Angel kept me from getting up and Buffy followed Nami out. I could hear Buffy talking softly to her, guiding her into the living room. Angel worked faster now, his hands practically a blur as he finished putting on the dressings. I dragged on my shirt and hustled into the living room, forcing myself to slow down. A normal person wouldn’t be going as fast as I was. 

“Nami, it’s okay,” I said.

“No, it’s _not_ ,” she spat, wiping her eyes. “I knew it was bad but to see that many holes in you…I don’t even know how you’re alive.”

“I’m a tough bastard to kill,” I replied as Angel pushed past me so he could put a box of tissues on the coffee table. I sat next to her.

“Thanks,” she muttered to Angel, reaching for a tissue. “And that’s not funny, Connor. You _were_ dead several times.”

“The afterlife wants nothing to do with me and spat me back. Nami, don’t think on that, okay? I’m right here. I didn’t die and I’m recovering just fine. I’ll be back before you know it. Promise.” I hugged her tight, scowling over her shoulder at Andrew who was still in the living room waiting for god knows what. To sweep in and console Dawn once Chris left if I had to guess. “Want me to get you something? Tea? Coffee? Some of my whiskey?”

Nami sputtered somewhere between a laugh and a sob. “Not that horrible whiskey of yours.”

“There’s coffee in the pot. I’ll get us some. I ended up wearing mine, which is why I had to get my dressings changed.”

“You sit with Nami. I’ll get the coffee,” Buffy said. 

“Thanks. Hey, Andrew, you can do me a favor, ask Wes to come out here. Thanks,” I said, figuring he could make himself useful. 

“I’m not your servant,” he said, but upon my glare he shot up and left the room.

“Anything I can do?” Angel asked.

“Probably help Wes bring the white board in here if he and Andrew are going to stay in the library working.”

Angel narrowed his eyes at me. “What are you doing?”

“Nami is on administrative desk duty so she has plenty of time off. We’re going to work on our open murder books and see if we can come at things from a different angle,” I replied brightly.

“Should you be doing that? You’re meant to be resting,” Angel protested as if he somehow didn’t know better.

“He called me and told me he was so bored, if I didn’t do this, he’d either go play in traffic or jump off your roof. I’m fairly sure he meant it.” Nami dried the corner of her eyes on a tissue. “I won’t let him get too excited or let him drink an entire pot of coffee on his own because he will if he’s unsupervised.”

Angel made an exasperated sound. “I’ll help Wes with the white board. And Connor, I really do like that T-shirt,” he said as Buffy came back with coffee.

I watched him go, and then asked her, “Was that a hint he wants one for Christmas?”

She laughed. “I have never seen him in a t-shirt in all the years we’ve been together, but you could try. I’m going upstairs. If you need anything, just shout.”

“We’ll be fine,” I said, and she took off. “Told you my family was weird.”

“You did. But you never mentioned your brother was so cute.” Nami smiled as I nearly choked on my coffee.

“You’re as blind as your daughter. Okay, which case first?” I asked. This wouldn’t help us stop Wolfram and Hart, but I bet it was going to be more productive than whatever was in those Gaelic tomes.

 

**Later that Night – Angel**

I had gotten in some good sleep in the afternoon, leaving Connor to his own devices with Nami who had stayed for a few hours. I couldn’t tell if they had made some headway on their cases, but I do know Buffy hadn’t been happy about the murder board they set up. It wasn’t that she resented it but rather it was hard to look at. She was inured to violence, as we all were, but seeing such brutality at human hands versus demonic was sobering. They had disassembled the board when Nami left with the files. 

Spike, Drusilla and Mary Ellen had arrived just ahead of the rest of the gang. It was dinner at our place while we simultaneously looked over the portal tomes and tried to decide how to approach Ul-Thur once Willow squeezed all the data out of that poor young girl’s phone. Wes had wisely sent Andrew off before dinner on an ‘important assignment’ otherwise Connor was likely to have cooked him for our meal.

As it was, he tried to reheat the menudo, but Buffy told him in no uncertain terms that was his alone for lunches. He opted for the chili one of his friends brought before he was chased out of the kitchen so he could ‘rest.’ Dawn and Willow took over the rest of the meal and Xander and I cleaned up. Afterwards we convened in the living room.

“We’re still working on finding Dreama,” Willow said.

“But we’re going to need a plan if we have to deal with that many vampires at once,” Buffy said.

“Are we still holding the brat out as bait?” Spike jerked a thumb at my son.

“Yes,” Connor said at the same time as I said, “No.”

He rolled his eyes at me.

“You’re still recovering.”

“I’m _fine_. Meyers is coming out tonight to pull all these stupid stitches. Once they’re out, nothing will be irritating me anymore other than you and Andrew, and I’ll be ready to go out.”

“You’re not in top form and you can’t face off with a few dozen vampires,” I reminded him.

“I’m not exactly alone. There’re you, Spike and Dru. There’s two Slayers just in this room and a handful more in L.A., not to mention those we could call in from Vegas, San Diego, wherever. And how many mages?” He pointed out so damnably reasonable. 

I spread my hands. I couldn’t argue that. 

“And I have some thoughts on how we should do this once we figure out where they are,” he continued.

“Oh?” Buffy asked.

“Our vampires need to stay the hell out of the building and the rest of us can basically carpet bomb the place with holy water. I considered fire but that could get out of hand. Holy water only hurts them and would be an easy way to deal with multiple vampires.”

“I don’t like the sounds of that,” Spike shuddered. I couldn’t blame him. The words carpet bomb and holy water didn’t need to go together in our hearing.

“Well, his plan does leave us outside,” I replied.

“I think it would work great but I’m not sure we have enough holy water to try that,” Buffy said. “And how do you plan to deliver it?”

“I was wondering if the mages could find a way to sort of make big floaty water balloons or something along those lines. If not that, well super soakers can hold a lot, but we would have to really get in there with the vampires, which shouldn’t be a problem for us,” Connor replied. “And if you want, we can go get some of the holy water tonight, so we have it at the ready. I know a place.”

“Little brother is as smart as Mummy.” Dru smiled at him. Connor squirmed. I knew he had no real idea how to handle her.

“Yeah, he’s a freaking genius,” Spike grumbled. I hoped this wasn’t the night he’d choose to pick a fight. I know they normally got along, but I also knew both of them. Every so often they decided to be a pain in the ass. 

“Be nice, Spi…ah.” Dru cried out, holding her head. She would have toppled off the couch if Spike hadn’t caught her.

“Incoming,” he said as Connor jumped up. 

I should have guessed he didn’t like visions any more than he did magic. He only made a few steps before he staggered, tearing my attention away from Drusilla. I caught him. “Connor,” I said. “What’s wrong? I told you, you weren’t well yet.”

“No, let me go.” He squirmed but I pushed him back onto the couch. “Damn it, shit! Just shit!” He threw his hands up to cover his eyes, but it wasn’t fast enough to block the spill of white light.

“What the hell?” Buffy pushed off her chair, on her feet in an instant. “What is going on with Connor?”

“I don’t know,” I snapped but I had a clue. This was exactly what it looked like when Cordy had her visions after the Powers had tinkered with her.

“Oh, little brother, you are crying so hard,” Dru said, fumbling for his hands. He wasn’t crying but no doubt he would be at some point in the near future. She grabbed his hand, and they both moaned as a resonance set up. I could feel the pressure of the power moving between then. 

“What are you seeing, pet?” Spike asked her, gently stroking her arm.

“He weeps. His friends are there.”

“No, don’t you dare! Oh god damn it, not Nami!” Connor growled, slamming his fist into the couch. “Gunn, Lilah you let them out of here! What are they doing there?”

“Where are you?” I knelt down at the arm of the couch. 

He shook his head and Drusilla said, “Under the mouths.”

“Near the water…maybe one of the clubs. They all there, my friends. No! Leave them alone,” he shouted. “No, don’t take my friends.”

“Little brother is going home.”

“I have to. I have to go back. I have to get them out of that place.”

“Back where?” Dawn asked. “Not Quor-Toth?”

My heart sank. That’s exactly what he meant. The light in his eyes dimmed and Connor sagged. Dru dropped his hands and curled up on the pillow, pressing her feet against Spike’s thigh. Connor wept, his hands shaking.

I unfurled from the floor, turning to Wes. “Your mysterious seer, I presume.”

He held up his hands. “He didn’t want you to know.”

“I guessed that much. How long has this been going on?”

“Years,” Connor whispered, wiping his face. “They’re going to take my friends into a portal. How do I stop them?”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Why would they be there?” Buffy asked. “I don’t understand that part.”

“I don’t either.” He forced himself up, staggering toward the bathroom. “They might have been summoned there. Maybe someone calls in a tip about the slumber party case. They’re all on that task force. Someone lures them there. That would distract the fuck out of me, take me out of the fight.” He disappeared into the bathroom.

“Or go the other way,” I said. “Give you one hell of a reason to fight.”

He reappeared with a tissue, wiping his face with it. “That too. I can’t just tell Nami and the others not to go to some place I’m not even sure where it is. They’ll think I’ve lost it. How do I keep them safe?”

“I don’t know,” I said softly. “But we’ll try.”

“If I thought it was as easy as taking Gunn and Lilah out of the picture, I’d say we go for it, but Wolfram and Hart would just jam another cog into their places,” he spat, and I shivered knowing he meant it. He might not kill Gunn, but he would imprison him if it would actually help. Lilah was already dead, and I could care less what happened to her.

“It won’t help,” Buffy said for me.

“But we can throw a spanner into their plans,” Wes said. “If Ul-Thur is meant to distract you, then some of us deal with that while the rest of us try to stop this before it happens. We have to keep working on two fronts.”

“All right, then let’s get that holy water,” Connor said, tucking the tissue into his pocket. 

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I’m fine. I just hate this ability. Dru does too, I know that much.”

“I do.” She nodded.

“Are there other abilities I should know about?” I asked but he didn’t answer me. Damn if he wasn’t so pig-headed and frustrating, just like his mother. Just like me.

“Who wants to come with us to get that holy water?” Connor asked.

We piled into my car, Connor, Wes, Dawn and Buffy. Mary Ellen took Spike out patrolling while Willow and Iris worked on the phone. Xander went back home with his family and I couldn’t blame him for that. Connor directed us to a Catholic church. 

“It should still be open, and I know there is always a huge font of water,” he said as I parked. He led the way inside. Churches made me squirmy. It was a relief though to know that in spite of being part demon, Connor wasn’t bothered by religious objects. I just didn’t know what that meant in the long run. He stopped dead as someone moved in the shadows. “Father Flanagan, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

I grimaced. We couldn’t just cart off all his holy water with him watching. 

“Connor, is that you? I didn’t dream you’d be up and about so quickly.”

“I’m recovering well, Father. I just thought I needed to be here. I’m not sure you know but Nami and I were the ones to kill the man who tried to kill me.”

The young priest blanched. “I did not. I was hoping to see you though. I have something for you.”

“Great. Think…well, could we.” Connor pointed to the confessional booths on the side of the church, tucked into the corner.

“Of course. Let me get the item and be right with you. Are you able to kneel? I can’t imagine it would be comfortable.” Flanagan put a hand on Connor’s shoulder.

“You’re right.”

“Come back to my office. Does your family want to take confession as well?”

“I doubt it,” Connor said, giving us a look.

“He’s right. We’re good. We’re just here for Connor,” I said even though it had to look weird to have all of us here.

Flanagan nodded in spite of the oddness and led Connor away to his office to confess to something I doubted he felt much guilt over. I watched the door while Dawn, Buffy and Wes made off with a few gallons of holy water. We’d probably have to come back another night for more. I couldn’t help feeling ridiculously uncomfortable about this. 

It took a while before Flanagan escorted Connor back to us. It was a long time to sit with a huge cross loaming over me. Flanagan pulled something out of his pocket. “I know you wanted to come with the group to Ireland but couldn’t,” he said, and I couldn’t imagine Connor going anywhere with a church group. He must really be a convincing liar. Somehow that disappointed me even knowing it was a very handy ability for his job. Surely he lied to criminals every day to get them to confess. “I got you this.” He handed over a cross made of Connemara marble and silver. 

“Really? Father, you didn’t have to do this.” Connor accepted the cross.

“I know but I wanted to. I hope you like it. You do so much for this community, so I wanted to pay you back.”

“Thank you, I truly appreciate this. I’ll put it on the chain with my St. Michael’s medal.”  
He pocketed it.

Flanagan clapped him on his good arm. “I should let your family get your home. I know you must be exhausted.”

“Thanks again.” Connor leaned on me as if he truly was exhausted. 

I led him out and once we got in the car he asked, “You _did_ get the water, right? I had to take confession for that!”

Buffy snorted at him. “No, we were so taken in by the lovely stained glass that we forgot. And what took you so long?”

“Well, thou shalt not kill is a goddamn big one,” he grumbled.

“Did you add in something about not taking the lord’s name in vain?” Wes arched his eyebrows and Connor scowled.

“Or anything about adultery and coveting your neighbor’s wife?” Buffy asked, and I’m pretty sure he mumbled ‘die.’

“You could have been there all night confessing about your failings in the whole honor thy father department.” I smirked.

“I hate you all.”

I laughed and headed for home. We had work to do and it would take Connor most of the ride to unruffle his feathers. But I couldn’t get his plaintive cries during his vision out of my head. The vision had us all rattled and I didn’t think that feeling would fade soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note: Okay so I really only truly know one curse in Gaelic so I did some research and here are the translations of Connor’s potty mouth. (Dawn might still be snickering)
> 
>  _Gabh transna ort fhéin, Cúl tóna_ \- Go fuck yourself sideways, dickhead
> 
>  _Níl tada níos measa na bód ina seasamh._ There’s nothing worse than a standing prick
> 
> “ _Póg mo thóin_ ,” – Kiss my ass (this one I knew)
> 
> “ _Gabh síos ort fhéin_ ,” Go down on yourself
> 
> And I got most of them [ from this delightful youtube](https://youtu.be/jyfx0gUALxk)


	27. Buffy

Chapter Twenty-Seven – Buffy

_Your own personal Jesus_  
Someone to hear your prayers  
Someone who cares   
**Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode**

 

Nearly two weeks later and we were barely closer to a solution. By the time Willow had gotten a location for Dreama and the cult of Ul-Thur from Elena’s, the girl they had dusted, phone, the cult had moved on. Apparently Dreama wasn’t a fool. She realized that when Elena hadn’t come home that she had run afoul of someone capable of slaying a vampire and moved her base. Spike and Angel were too well known to the area demons and no one was likely to tell them anything. We had sent Drusilla in, but she was far ideal when it came to doing undercover work. That said, I thought we were getting on the right track now. I had to hope, right? If nothing else, we had raided poor Father Flanagan’s stores of holy water several more times. Connor had to take a second confession. He was not amused but when was he ever?

Connor had moved back home, leaving Angel so upset, I struggled to cheer him. Even knowing Connor wasn’t going to slice him back out of his life at this point hadn’t helped. Angel feared distance would allow Connor to retreat. I didn’t think so. It felt like things were different now. And in spite of myself, I have to admit, it was quiet here without him. He kept things lively, too lively sometimes, but at least now I could sleep with my husband without his weird son hearing or smelling things he shouldn’t.

In the midst of all the crazy, we did have our anniversary party. We thought about pushing it off but Willow and Iris, Dawn, Spike, Drusilla and Mary Ellen all lived elsewhere. Even though they were staying rent free at the Hyperion – Dawn aside – it didn’t seem right to keep them from their lives. Predictably none of them ran out on this fight but I wish Dawn would have. I worry. Sue me. Speaking of my sister, I hadn’t seen her this morning, but I did get in ridiculously late, having helped Spike and Angel chase after Dru all night as she tried to pass herself as an Ul-Thur follower wanna be.

I staggered into the kitchen and helped myself to the dregs of the coffee pot. That was another good thing about having Connor in the house. That caffeine fiend always had a pot of coffee or tea going. When I walked back into the living room, Angel was still out cold on the couch ‘helping’ me to go over the city maps to home in on the likeliest spots for the cult, instead of up in bed where he belonged. I wish I were upstairs too. The front door opened before I could sit, and Dawn came in.

“Oh, I didn’t even know you were out,” I said, sitting on the couch. Angel stirred slightly.

Dawn’s cheeks colored. “Yeah. Word of warning, I brought Connor to help,” she said, which was no surprise. He was months away from being allowed back to work since they didn’t know he was more than human. He usually came here to help. “He’s in a _foul_ mood.”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “Why now?”

“Does he need a reason?” She shrugged, looking remarkedly guilty about something.

“Not usually.”

“Buffy,” Angel protested, half awake, his hair a mess.

“What? He doesn’t. He’s perpetually pissed. But seriously, why now?”

Dawn glanced away. “Can’t leave it at foul mood and he’s outside stalking around, getting it out of his system?”

“Not when it sounds that bad.”

“He thinks someone from Wolfram and Hart broke into his house.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Paranoia or does he have reason?”

“Oh, he has reason. His system recorded a breach, but no one showed up on the recording. He knows it wasn’t Lindsey who has the codes to the house just in case.”

Angel sat up straight. “That sounds really bad. What did they take?”

Dawn didn’t answer immediately, getting squirmy. “Nothing he could tell but…things were disturbed.”

“Bugs?” I asked.

She shook her head. “Leave it at poking pinholes in condoms.”

“What are you….oh, my god! Dawn!” I went to slap my hand on the couch but managed to tag Angel in the chest. He grunted, rubbing the area. “You went back for seconds?”

“And thirds.” Dawn shrugged. “That’s how he figured it out. One broken condom is an accident, two is something else. We’re both pretty pissed off but I’m the calm one.”

“Yeah, on that note, I’m going up to bed,” Angel said, levering himself off the couch. _Chicken liver,_ I thought. He was on the bottom step when Connor banged inside, nearly singeing Angel with sunlight.

Connor stomped over, surveyed me and Dawn who was still a little flushed and I bet I was too. “Have we gotten anywhere?” He wrinkled his nose at me. “What did you tell them, Dawn?”

“That it would be a good idea for me to go get a nap. I got very little sleep last night,” I said. “And that my sister likes living dangerously.”

He snorted. “And he’s running away too?” He jerked a thumb back at Angel who had walked up a few more steps but watched far too interested in all of this.

“I haven’t been to bed yet,” he said. “But I think they’re going to try to recruit Dru tonight.”

“About damn time. I’ve had it up to my eyes with all of this. I’m going for more coffee.” Connor took a few steps toward the kitchen.

“The pot’s empty.”

“What the hell?” He flung his head back, making a wordless sound of exasperation. “You didn’t make more? Fine! I’ll do it.”

“There’s a nice way to do that,” I said, forgetting for a second Dawn’s warning.

He growled, stomping toward the kitchen.

“Now I see why Nami told me they have a nickname for him at work, Tommy Temper,” Angel’s voice floated down from the landing.

Connor popped back into the living room, eyeing the fire place. “I’m thinking about what Spike said about how fun it was to whack you with the poker!”

We all heard Angel loudly ascending the stairs but I wasn’t sure he had gone all the way to the next level. 

“Yeah, I thought so!” Connor disappeared to go brew his coffee.

“And you want to put up with that?” I whispered, pointing to the kitchen.

Dawn shrugged. “I’m having fun, not looking to get married. It’s not so bad if you don’t pull on the tiger’s tail. Is Angel right? Dru’s made contact?”

“We’re hoping. Either that or she’s being set up.” I honestly didn’t know how to feel about that. I didn’t like Drusilla for the obvious reasons, but I also felt a good deal of pity for her. I couldn’t forget how she hurt Giles or killed Kendra, but I forgave Angel and Spike the evil they had done to me and mine. You’d think I could forgive her too because I know she was a victim in a lot of this.

“Connor hasn’t been able to figure a way to warn off Nami. It’s hard to do when we’re not sure _where_ it is he and Dru have foreseen. He’s pretty damn grumpy about that too.”

“Did you know about his abilities?” I had been meaning to ask but I wasn’t sure if I should. Dawn deserved to have her own life separate from mine, with her own secrets. But this was harmless enough.

“No, I mean you know him better than I do,” she replied. “I wish I had. He did admit, when I asked, he’d had a vision when I drove him to work that first night he crashed here. He passed it off as a migraine then and shielded his face from me. I wasn’t really paying attention. Wes would probably be the one to ask.”

I waved her off. “He’s kept Connor’s secrets for years. He’s not likely to stop now.” 

Before Dawn could say more, Connor came back out, looking no less agitated. I guess they both were worried and who wouldn’t be in that situation? 

“Coffee’s on. Anything I can do in the mean time?” he asked, and then staggered.

“Connor?” I pushed back from the table, so I could grab him because he looked like he was going down. “What’s wrong?”

“Son of a bitch, not today.” He tossed himself on the couch, covering his face with those surprisingly big hands of his.

“A vision?” I asked, hearing Angel on the stairs. Yeah, he was going to bed, right? He’d been hovering, listening in.

“I’m at the Harbor Song,” he said, and I had no idea what that meant. He trembled under my hands. “They’re all here. It can’t be …we’re not going to be enough. It’s so big. Oh god, it’s so big.”

“Connor, it’s all right. What are you seeing?” Angel asked.

“I know this place. There are so many. Dad, there are so many portals. I’m not sure we have enough mages for all of this. Wolfram and Hart thinks they’re in charge but they’re going to lose control. Buffy, I’m going to be gone. You need to be sure we have enough Slayers, more than just the locals. We need all we can get. I won’t be there at the finish.”

My throat closed. He said that so matter of fact, as if he were resigned to the fact he wouldn’t survive this encounter. Angel’s hands shook. The light in Connor’s eyes faded, going back to their normal blue. “I will,” I assured him, “but you aren’t going to be gone, Connor. We’re not going to allow that.”

“I’ve already seen it happen.”

“Isn’t that the point of these visions?” Angel grabbed Connor’s arm. “To change the damn future.”

Connor took a deep breath. “I see me in Quor-Toth, Dad. I’m there in Cliff Castle and I’m not sure I felt like I was unhappy about it.”

“I’m not allowing that,” Angel snarled.

“None of us are.” I stood up. “I have calls to make. Wes first, and then all the Slayers on the West coast.”  
“I hope it’s enough,” Connor whispered, going back into the kitchen. Music echoed out, probably from his phone. _Someone take these dreams away that point me to another day; A duel of personalities that stretch all true realities_.  
“That seems a little too on the nose,” Angel muttered, walking toward the kitchen.  
Dawn stopped him, and she went into the kitchen with Connor.  
“I hate this, Buffy. What if I can’t save him?”  
I put my arms around him, pressing my cheek to his shoulder. “We will, so I better get started on those calls.” I could only hope I was right. To lose Connor back to that dimension wasn’t something Angel would walk away from, not this time.

 

X X 

 

I did some deep breathing. Things had happened fast after Connor’s vision. Drusilla received a text from Dreama about where to meet her – and I seriously still wasn’t used to vampires embracing technology. I wondered if we were dealing with a relatively new vampire. I could hope. We knew that at least one of the slumber party victims were new recruits and were willing to bet most of them were. Those ones should be easy enough. The big worry would be any older vampires who knew how to do battle. 

I hadn’t been willing to take chances. I didn’t get this old by being stupid. All the L.A. Slayers were hands on deck. Xóchitl was in from San Diego and Kayin and Yun had come from Vegas. Lara had planned to arrive from Portland on the first available plane, but she suddenly had an influx of Black-Eyed children terrorizing the Columbia Gorge area. Wes dispatched Andrew to help her because he was actually interested in those things. Also, Wes, Angel and I were in agreement. We were worried Connor might actually kick Andrew into a portal when no one was looking. It had started as a joke that became quickly unfunny and honestly possible. Temptation removed hopefully. We’d leave him in Portland for now and maybe we could spare Lara when it came to Wolfram and Hart’s end game.

I surveyed the scene. The vampires had chosen an abandoned church for their hideout. I’m sure some of them were sitting there laughing at their audacity but of course it was most likely safe for them to be there, the stain glass boarded up, holy water fonts and crosses removed. It was big enough for a lot of them to bunker down in and was in a section of town that most people didn’t get curious for their own good. If a homeless person wandered in to get out of the weather, I’m sure they never came back out. From what Elena had been saying to Angel and Spike before the unfortunate pallet accident, they were recruiting heavily so dead but not quite dead for those homeless people. 

Connor stood on the roof over what would have been the altar. This church had a skylight that would have shone down on the altar and he planned to drop through it. It was a helluva fall, nothing he couldn’t handle, but it would prove he was something unusual. We were betting that at least some of the vampires were more savvy than Elena had been, able to sense his body heat and hear his heart beat. They’d know nothing human was going to stick a superhero landing from that height.

Angel hadn’t been thrilled, still worrying Connor wasn’t at full strength and maybe he wasn’t but with the back up of me and nearly a dozen Slayers, not to mention three witches, it would be enough. Connor shifted around, maybe as hot as I was. We all wore Angel-Spikesque long coats to hide the huge water rifles, but we had body heat and better senses about how freaking hot it was outside than either vampire did. Of course, he might also be trying to situate things, so his coat didn’t fly up and reveal the super soaker as he plummeted down.

Spike and Drusilla watched the back entrance with Mary Ellen and half the Slayers. Angel stood guard over the front entrance with the rest of us. Luckily there were only the two doors. I’m sure some of them would be capable of going through the plywood over the windows but I’m sure our vampires could handle whoever made a run for it.

“I hate this,” Angel whispered. “I’m not sure he’s taking it seriously enough. He’s too focused on the whole portal thing.”

“He’ll be fine just to spite me because I overheard his plans for Dawn tonight,” I grumbled but I was smiling. “Your brat needs to behave.” 

He widened his eyes at me. “Or your sister needs to stop seducing him.”

I stifled a snort. That’s all we needed, to be overheard before we were ready. I hushed.

“Ready?” I texted Mary Ellen and Connor and received back two affirmatives. I raised a hand and Connor nodded. He waited until I was right at the door and in through the skylight he went. It’s lucky he’s such a skinny dude. I slipped inside knowing their attention would be on the intruder and left the door open so the other Slayers and our mages could slid in one by one. We didn’t want to march in and look like the invading army we were. Singularly we would be less noticed. 

Connor stood on the stripped altar that had withstood his landing. He portrayed an awfully causal air for someone surrounded by irate looking vampires. Maybe Angel was on to something with the idea Connor was overly focused on being taken back to Quor-Toth. Futures could change, and he might not survive this if he wasn’t carefully. He shouldn’t be this unconcerned and that night at the beach where he confessed his suicidal tendencies surfaced in my mind.

“Oh look, food just dropped in,” one of them, a stoop-shouldered roundish man said. He seemed an odd choice for a vampire somehow. 

“Food?” Connor swaggered to the end of the altar. “Really? You’re all here waiting to see _me_ and you mistake me for food?” He laughed. “Vampires, you are a nutty bunch.”

The man backed up a step, baffled but a few others growled, surging forward now. “Looking for you?” he stammered.

“Think Stan.” A tall woman with dark skin and a halo of brown curls stepped up to the altar, human in face, very pretty. “Humans don’t fall from those heights and walk it off.”

“What are you saying, Dreama?” Stan asked.

She ignored him, smiling up at Connor. I scooted over so Yun could join me inside. No one noticed us yet. “Why do you think we’re looking for you?”

Connor cocked his head to the side and put his hands on his chest, making a show of how empty of weapons they were. “The Great Potentate of Ul-Thur prophesized my birth, did he not? It’s taken you all a while to find me. I’m the Miracle Child.”

Dreama gestured and the vampires backed off, grumbling as they did so. Across the room I could see Mary Ellen had made it inside along with Xóchitl and Kayin. Connor didn’t look at anyone but Dreama who studied him. She was going to be a problem. She had brains. That much was obvious. “Really? And what would you know of Ul-Thur?”

“Never met the dude.” Connor strutted from one end of the altar to the other. “But I know he said the child of two vampires would be born. Weird, if you think about it. I know his followers found my mother, Darla. Oddly enough, rather than caring for her, they were happy to try and tear her apart to have me in their grasp.”

“He knows,” someone hissed from the back of the crowd. I counted at least thirty of them in the church and that was a little gut tightening. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen quite so many vampires in one place.

Dreama slashed her hand at the vampire. “Go on. You have that part of the history correct but you could have heard tales somewhere.”

“True but as you said, if I were as human as I look, I would be on the floor screaming in pain with broken legs at the very least after that fall. I know that Mom’s pregnancy was protected, and none could harm her while she was carrying me.” He thumped his chest as if proud of that fact. “She died so I could be here for you. Now, tell me what you want of me.” He beamed holding out his hands as if to embrace them.

“To fulfill Ul-Thur’s vision of course,” Dreama said, spreading her own arms. “Your followers need your guidance, your abilities to make this place a better world for us.”

“Humans in farms!” someone cried.

“Death to all Slayers,” added another.

Lovely, vampires never got any better did they? Somehow even when evil, I thought Angel and Spike would have been more intelligent and ambitious than these idiots. They were never followers. Then again Angelus _had_ tried to create hell on Earth, and Spike and Dru had unleashed the Judge on me for fun and games and birthday surprises. Maybe – three souled ones aside – they all sucked, pun intended.

Connor caught my eye but did nothing else to signal he was ready to attack. I glanced back to the front door. My team was all inside. Willow and Dawn were just at the door and Wes I knew was already at the back door. Unsurprisingly Angel and Spike were both peering inside, itching for action.

“That seems to be…small thinking,” Connor said, and some of them howled at him. “Why stop at one dimension when we can have others?”

“The snobby bitch at Wolfram and Hart had promised us the same,” Dreama said. “Are you a trick? Did she send you?”

“Not at all.”

“Prove it,” she demanded.

Connor grinned one of those terrifying, demented looking smiles at her, the ones that made me wonder just how sane he actually was. “I don’t have a second face. Nor was I granted fangs or claws, but I do have power.” He thumped his chest again. “Not just physical but trust me, I’m a match for any vampire.”

“Prove it,” the vampires began chanting.

“Gladly if I must. Here is my true power.” Connor held out his hands and they glowed white. The magic creeped up his arms, haloing his head. It took a second for me to realize that my jaw had dropped. Across the church Wes looked on, unperturbed so he knew Connor had magic. That little bastard, even after making up with his dad, he _still_ didn’t share this with us. I was going to grant Spike’s wish to kick him in the nuts and help hold him down so Spike had a clean shot.

Dreama stepped to the altar, holding up a hand. Leaning over Connor took it, letting his power ooze down her wrist. “It’s so warm!”

“And it’s something special. You’re not going to find this with just any mage.” Connor stood up, letting it die away. “Am I right in that Wolfram and Hart wants me to lead you all to the Harbor Song, that bankrupt club down at the waterfront? Because with me, we can help them open the portals and take over whole new worlds.”

Dreama eyed him with the glee of a zealot. “Yes, in three days. I was praying we’d find you by then. We’ve been looking for so long after that group found your mother all those years ago and lost you soon after.”

Connor tossed his head back, preening. “I promise you, I’m more than you ever prayed for.”

“Prayed to,” someone shouted. “We’ve been praying _to_ you to lead us!”

“You’re going to make me blush.” Connor managed to make his smile beatific and it unnerved me.

“There’ll be Slayers at the Harbor Song,” Dreama said.

“I know how to handle a Slayer.” There was that grin again, only more salacious. Yeah, his handling of Slayers was something I didn’t want to think about. Not to mention he looked a little too into this adoration. 

“And the bitch said the traitor vampire, Angel, will try to stop us.” Dreama hopped up on the altar with Connor, taking his hand. She was a good three inches taller than him.

“Oh him.” Connor waved her off with his free hand. “I’ve dealt with him. I _know_ I can whip his ass in a fight. If you push the right buttons, he becomes a self-loathing apologetic wimp.”

Dreama twisted up her face, allowing her true form to show. She favored him with a golden-eyed glare. “Then why haven’t you destroyed the traitor?”

“Because it’s more fun to torment him, drop in, beat him up, ruin his day, watch the tears flow. Call me petty but that always makes me smile.”

Somehow, I believed him. I inched the water rifle out from under my coat. No one was looking anywhere but at Connor.

“What else can you tell me about the bitch? Did she have any big plans for us I should know of?” Connor asked.

Dreama shook her head. “Just show up at the Harbor Song and do what we do best.”

“Fair enough. If we’re really lucky, Angel will show up and you can watch me put him in his place.”

“Can I kill him after?” Dreama squeezed Connor’s hand. Was he ever going to give the signal or was he actually buying into this Vampire Jesus thing?

“Oh, you can try,” he promised.

“What will you do for us now? Harvest a high school ball game? Maybe an after-hours club for a college?” she asked hopefully.

“I thought I’d start here!” Connor yanked her close, the stake launcher on his wrist taking out his ardent admirer before she even suspected he wasn’t her god. He whipped out the water rifle, hosing down the first row of vampires with holy water.

It went crazy from there. We all leapt into the fray. There was something ridiculously fun using a super soaker against vampires. I owed the mad geniuses who wrote _The Lost Boys_ for that one. Most of the vampires were dust by the time I emptied the soaker and pulled out some stakes. Wes, Dawn and Willow were less about fireballs in this closed – and wooden – space and more about shoving vampires around magically, keeping them from the windows and doors. I’m not sure Angel, Spike or Dru had anything to do but they were wise enough not to come into a building with a bunch of amped up Slayers and Connor who was obviously having the time of his life, moving like a ballet dancer around his would-be worshippers, staking and punching at will.

It was over so much faster than I expected. “Is everyone okay?” I called out. Most everyone was expect for a few minor – for Slayers – bruises and cuts. Now Spike and Angel did sidle into the church. Dru refused. I stalked over to Connor staring at him.

He dusted off his jacket. “I feel _so_ gritty!”

“You were enjoying that!” I said, almost surprised he wasn’t literally hard at work. 

Connor chuckled, tossing his head back trying to shake the vampire dust out of his hair. “That was amazing. I was almost sorry I had to kill them. If I didn’t think it would send them on recruitment drives, I’d put out the call for my would-be worshippers in various cities just to do this again and again!”

“You are a freak,” Yun called, laughing. He turned that scary grin on her. Dawn had filled me in on the fact Yun was one of his occasional lovers. Guess she was okay with his brand of crazy.

“Your dad was right. It went to your head.” Spike laughed, leaning against the altar.

“Screw you, Dad.” Connor laughed harder, giving Angel the finger.

Angel shook his head. “You were so harsh about me.”

Connor rolled his eyes.

“It was like watching a really skinny Angelus going to town,” Spike said and earned himself his own middle finger salute.

“All right, let’s reconvene at the Hyperion. We have three days to pull it together and stop this. We know where and when. I don’t know we can stop it from happening, but we have to keep it contained,” I said. I have never liked feeling like a general but that was the role I had been cast in. I had to live up to it.


	28. Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has graphic violence

Chapter Twenty-Eight – Connor 

_Fight until you die or drop,_  
a force like ours is hard to stop  
close your mind to stress and pain,  
fight till you're no longer sane  
let not one damn cur pass by,  
how many of them can we make die!   
**March of Cambreadth – Heather Alexander**

 

Night had fallen. We had run out of time. We hadn’t managed to stop Wolfram and Hart, so we had abandoned our cars a few blocks from the Harbor Song and hiked it. I’ve never seen this many Slayers in one spot, but I feared it wouldn’t be enough. Dawn had called Nami to tell my partner that her psychic had warned Dawn to inform Nami to stay away from this property. It was all we could think of. If I had said anything, Nami would have wondered and probably shown up just to see what the hell I was up to. I had called in an anonymous tip before we left for one of our other cases, trying to lead her away, just in case.

The Harbor Song should be relatively empty. It had been in a premiere spot near the water and I’m sure if the neighborhood wasn’t so marginal – as places around docks and warehouses often are - it would have been snapped up as soon as the former owners had gone bankrupt. As it was, it stood empty and it might be our only saving grace. We still wanted our cars off site just in case things went sideways and we ran the risk of being spotted.

I froze when we closed in on the place. There was noise, a lot of it. What the hell? There shouldn’t be this many people around. I spotted a banner up on a neighboring building : “Save our Neighborhood Block party.” Oh shit. This was bad. This was worse than I could have imagined. The Harbor Song was lit up and music spilled out. I glanced over at Angel and Buffy. “This is going to get ugly.”

“Extremely,” Dad agreed.

“Do you think Wolfram and Hart set this up? I’d think they’d want more secrecy,” Buffy said.

“Or they know us. They’re gambling we’ll help the innocent, which will keep us busy while they do their dirty work,” Angel replied.

That sounded exactly like them. I was glad I wasn’t Buffy right now as all the Slayers turned to her for further instruction. We hadn’t planned for a fucking party to be happening on the street. The plan couldn’t change much. They had one job, protect the portal mages while they fought to close the portals as they opened. Two jobs, I guess now. Protect the innocent, which was harder, messier. It might get more of us killed.

I didn’t wait for further instruction. I stalked toward the Harbor Song. If Dru and I had been accurate, then Lilah and Gunn were inside. So were Nami, Julio and Lawson. Two of them I gave a damn about. Lawson probably didn’t deserve to be demon chow…probably. I was beginning to suspect he was the one who had been ratting me out to Wolfram and Hart because he was the type. Dawn and Angel moved in my wake. Spike, Dru, Mary Ellen and Willow flanked us. We were the front lines. Wes was behind with the portal mages. I worried he was getting too old for field work. Hell, Buffy was getting old for field work, but I wasn’t the one telling her that. She hustled to catch up to us.

I heard loud voices fighting: Lilah and damn it to hell – which it may literally come to – Nami arguing that they’d had a tip the girl’s bodies where in the back room of the club, being used for ritual purposes. Lilah, in that superior tone of hers, informed Nami that her Wolfram and Hart’s client would have noticed if bodies, a few weeks old now, had been stacked like cordwood in the back. Lilah would lose the argument because Nami had a warrant or so Julio said. Fuck, that was the perfect way to get them there in spite of any warnings I or Dawn might have given her. A tip to the slumber party task force couldn’t be ignored and I’d lay money Lilah called it in herself or had Gunn do it, because now I could hear his voice saying the paperwork was in order. I knew the lawyers wanted my partners there to distract me, to keep me and the others from doing our jobs as we worried more about saving someone close to me.

I went to charge the door, but Angel caught my wrist, whirling me around. I yanked away. 

“Keep your cool, Connor. You go in there like they’re demons you need to fight and you’ll be in trouble. We’ll get them out,” he said, and he was right but that didn’t help how I felt.

“Not according to my vision.”

“The future isn’t always written in stone. It’s why Cordelia had the visions.”

“And sometimes they are. That’s why you broke Drusilla to your will.” That was a low blow and I knew it. I winced at the hurt in his dark eyes. “Sorry. I have to get them out before all this starts going down.”

“They’re going to wonder why we’re here at all,” Dawn said.

I shrugged. “It might be the end of Detective Devlin once I put my nose in there but it’s a small price to pay to save their lives.” It wasn’t small. If I was outed in front of Nami, I could lose my best friend, my god kids, my _family_ but if that’s what it took to save her, I would give it all up.

I strode inside like I belonged there. The others hung back. Maybe they were giving me space to make a play or more likely they knew that Lilah and Gunn couldn’t be standing inside with demon sidekicks, at least not ones that looked the part. Nami sounded angry not scared. The room went silent as I entered. I had a gun in the pocket of my baggy cargo pants but had left my bandolier of clips, stakes and knives, hiding in Angel’s coat. He didn’t mind carrying it and didn’t get overheated under the voluminous thing. He had my sword as well. I looked like a lost college kid in the khaki cargoes and an old Slytherin t-shirt that I usually cleaned house in. I figured it was going to get trashed tonight and damn it, why did I always get sorted into Slytherin anyhow? Oh right, part demon.

“Connor,” Nami hissed, her eyes wide. “What are you doing here?”

“Heard there was a tip,” I said. Let her wonder how or why I thought it would be a good idea to barge in. I didn’t take my eye off Lilah and Gunn. “Counselors, fancy meeting you here.”

“Told you they’d figure it out,” Gunn whispered to Lilah probably not loud enough for the detectives to pick up on but it wasn’t going to escape my keen hearing. 

“Doesn’t matter now,” Lilah replied.

“Devlin, you’re on medical leave. You have no business here.” Lawson puffed out his chest. “Get out!”

I whipped around to face my coworkers and the four uniformed cops with them. “Go home. I mean it. Get the hell out of here.”

“Us? It’s you that needs to get out.” Lawson stabbed a finger into my chest. “Maybe you should go back to that Faith chick of yours. Bet the chief would like to know about her. Might be the last time I have to see your smug face.”

So that’s what he and Andrew had been chatting about. Figures. “Oh screw you, Lawson.” I pushed him back, locking eyes with my partner. “Nami, Julio, please listen to me. Get out of here. You have no idea how much danger you’re in.”

“Did Dawn tell you what her psychic said?” Nami walked over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Connor, I know she was right once, but you can’t put stock in that. You _know_ that, right? It was just a lucky guess.”

“Nami, if you’ve ever trusted me, you’ll run, right now. Get in your cars and drive like hell itself was at your rear,” I said, deadly serious.

“Aw, how sweet,” Lilah said her voice thick as honey. 

“Lilah, if anything happens to them, you don’t want to know what I’ll do to you,” I growled and Nami stepped back, shocked at the vehemence and the look of unbridled hate in my expression. 

Lilah snorted. “You think you can threaten me? What can you possibly do?”

“Is that something you should ask of Angelus’s son?” I shot back. Her haughty expression faltered. Gunn paled. “Nami, go, please, for the love of god, go! Julio, I’m serious, run.”

“I feel it,” Dawn cried from outside. “It’s starting.”

“Fuck!” I raced back outside with Lilah’s laughter at my heels.

The sky tore, vicious as a tornado: a sickly green in some places, red in another and some places shimmering as beautiful as the Borealis. That beauty might be the worst of part. Lilah sauntered up to me, resting a hand on my arm.

“Ah, you brought your family. Hello Angel.” She waved at him “It’s way too late. What are you going to do, little man?” Lilah dug her nails into my flesh. “Save your friends or stop us?”

“The mouths, all the mouths,” Dru moaned from her place halfway down the block. “They’re opening.”

“We see them, ducks,” Spike said. “We ready?”

“As ready as we’re going to be,” Buffy said.

“And this little rag tag team is going to stop this?” Lilah laughed but next to her Gunn shifted, eyes furtive. He was scared. I could smell it. This wasn’t where he wanted to be.

“We’ve stopped better apocalypses than this,” Buffy replied with a dismissive shrug.

“Connor, what is this?” Nami asked, her voice sharp and hard.

“It’s too late to run now,” I said, hating it. “You stay behind us. Hear me, Nami, Julio? You keep behind us and keep the uniforms there too.”

“What about me, you Irish prick?” Lawson asked, sounding half amused, half afraid because he couldn’t possibly know what was happening.

“Has Wolfram and Hart been paying you for information on me and where I go?” I asked.

“How did you…”

I looked over my shoulder and sneered. “I hope you get eaten.”

“Connor!” Angel admonished.

“Fuck him! Threaten me about Faith? See what happens now, Lawson? It’s just the beginning of what you’re going to go through,” I replied unrepentant as the portals opened wide enough that shapes behind them could be seen. To my right, just at the water’s edge was one of red lightning and storms. Cliff Castle was barely visible at the mouth of the portal. “Really, Lilah, you ripped a hole to Quor-Toth.”

“We’re getting a premium from those who want to take a try at conquering it.” She laughed, and Gunn gazed at her, horrified. Ah, so he wasn’t as looped in as he thought he was. 

“What is that? Mary, Mother of God!” Julio crossed himself. 

“Now would be the time to get your cross out from under your shirt, Julio,” I said, knowing it was poor protection at best. 

“I would have thought Dreama would have been here by now.” Lilah glanced around but the only things visible were the block partiers who were all standing, staring skywards.

“The Miracle Child has already granted them their wish to meet him,” I growled and Lilah scowled.

“Connor.” Nami grabbed my wrist. “We need to get out of here.”

I pulled free with a look of sorrow. “Go if you can but you’re best off staying behind us at this point. We’ll try to keep you safe, but if you can get to your cars, do. I have to stay. Buffy, we ready?”

“Already on it.” Buffy pointed to where one of the teams were killing the spider-like creatures spilling out of the portal and the portal itself shriveled. Lawson made a stifled scream.

Lilah’s face pinched. “What the hell?”

“We’re prepared for you,” Angel said. “We’re not allowing this to happen.”

“Shooting me and my friends didn’t change that. Luring my partner here hasn’t either. I will protect her and save the world,” I said.

“Behind you!” someone called, and Yun swung out of nowhere behind me and Angel and took out something that looked like a living snot monster. I sort of wanted to vomit. Snot was my Kryptonite. 

“Thanks.”

“No problem.” Yun beamed, ignoring the horrified looks on Nami and Julio’s faces. One of the uniformed officers crumpled in a faint. So much for the big dude. “If we survive, how about me, you, and Kayin in the Hyperion’s cage all weekend.”

“Yun!” Buffy scolded taking on another of the snot monsters. It shook its antlers nearly hitting me with the disgusting slime.

I flashed her a feral smile even though I was mostly faking it. “I’m in!”

“And Begay is already claiming you and the lake cabin to anyone who’ll listen.”

“Sweet,” I called as Yun ran off. In spite of having her hands full of a different demon, Buffy glowered at me.

“Any room for me?” Dawn slung a fireball into the mouth of the nearest portal, setting a good half dozen demons on fire. Angel lunged forward followed by Spike and Dru as demons I recognized from Quor-Toth entered the fray.

“What the hell!” Nami cried, jumping back, staring at Dawn.

“Dawn’s a witch,” I told her. “And I always have room for you, Dawn. Better let the Slayers tire me out first once my blood gets up.”

“Noted. Get out there, Connor. I’ll protect Nami and the others,” Dawn said.

“Slayers? Lawson asked. “A girl bike gang?”

“I’m more impressed with how in demand a runt like you is,” Lilah grinned.

“Lilah, you said it wasn’t going to be like this,” Gunn said. “They were supposed to go from one realm to the other.”

“Yes, it seems the diplomats at the gate aren’t doing their jobs,” she replied as a six-armed man-like creature with reddish-brown skin stepped closer holding the broken body of an old man.

“I am Sozzen of the Outer Rings, lord of all I see.” He shook the man’s body overhead, and then flung it at us.

“Really? That’s how we’re doing this? So over the top.” I sighed. Behind him congregated several creatures from Quor-Toth, a few vampires who had probably heard there was fun to be had and a few more of the snot-elk things. “Fine, if we’re going to be ridiculous and stupid about things.”

I yanked Lilah to me, eliciting a yelp from her. I grabbed her hair and tore her head off. Julio screamed wordlessly as Nami shrieked my name. Lawson chimed in with a ‘what the fuck!’ I stabbed her head skywards as Lilah mouthed curses at me. “I am the bringer of pain and torment, the Destroyer of Quor-Toth!” I dropped her head back next to her twitching hands. Most of the Quor-Tothians fled and in spite of myself, fireworks of pride went off in my chest. They still knew me! 

“You _murdered her_!” Julio bellowed. “With your bare hands!”

I didn’t dare take my eyes off the advancing hoard so I couldn’t give him a look. “Check it out, Julio. Do you see any blood? Lilah’s been dead for decades, hasn’t she, Gunn?”

“It wasn’t supposed to be this,” he muttered again and again as if that would make it true. Maybe he stripped a gear.

“You dick!” Lilah kicked at me as she resettled her head. Julio screamed again. His gears would be stripping next. 

“Oh, I’m just getting started, Lilah. I’m going to toss your head into one portal and your body into a different one. What do you think becomes of you then?” I did risk flashing a little vicious grin her way just as Spike landed on his back next to me after something tossed him. Dawn helped him up.

“I think the Destroyer is off his chain, Peaches!” Spike called, luring over Angel and Drusilla.

“Destroyer, your legend has lasted a thousand years,” a Valwof demon, one of Quor-Toth’s more numerous and nasty creatures, bellowed at me, crossing the distance between us, running a clawed hand over the stumpy mass of horns on his head. “I don’t fear you. I will take your head back to the Cliff and hang it off my throne.”

I snorted. I’d been killing Valwofs since I was seven and wearing their horns around my neck before I was eight. Angel tossed me my sword. “Thanks, Angel.” 

I didn’t waste time chest thumping and issuing ridiculous threats. I was on top of the moron before he expected me to move. That’s always the way with them. Valwofs are big, slow and dumb. I’m quick and unpredictable. His head went bouncing down the sidewalk. “Who’s collecting whose head now?” Okay, if the idiots get to be all braggy, I should get one or two one-liners in myself, right?

“Connor, what is going on?” The panic in Nami’s voice forced me around to face her. Her gun was drawn but pointed nowhere in particular. “What _is_ this?”

“Long story short, those are portals to hell dimensions. Wolfram and Hart is evil incorporated and all those lovely ladies propositioning me are monster Slayers. Me too, only I go by a different name.” I glanced around and saw Dawn still nearby but having switched to a lightning casting spell. Drusilla hovered near Spike. “Dru, guard these people, please.” I knew she didn’t like to fight, not anymore. Or more accurately, the demon in her did but her soul was gentler, leaving her conflicted. I put a hand on Nami’s shoulder. “Keep them alive if you can and no turning them if you can’t.”

She smiled at me, seemingly happy to have some orders that weren’t simply ‘kill everything in sight.’ “I can do that.”

“Thanks. Nami, Julio, Dru will keep you safe as she can. Stay with her. I have to get out into the middle of this nonsense,” I said.

“I don’t understand,” Nami said, clutching onto my arm. “You’ll get killed out there. You can’t go!”

“I know. You’ll just have to trust me. Yo, Dad, the rest of my stuff, please,” I called then winced. “Well, fuck. I just outed myself, didn’t I?”

“Yes.” He flung me my bandolier.

“Dad?” Nami looked between us. “Suddenly your rage make so much more sense.”

 

I snorted. “You have no idea. But did you hear that, Angel, what the Valwof said about the legend of me?”

He and Spike both turned to me, both in game face. Nami jumped. “Don’t get a swelled head, son.”

“What…what are they?” Nami hissed. “What are you?”

“They’re vampires and I’m your partner, just as always or at least until Lilah decided to throw a hand grenade into my life.” I glared at Lilah. “Hope they eat you too, Lilah.”

“They won’t attack anyone from Wolfram and Hart,” she said.

“You sure?” Gunn obviously wasn’t, looking for an escape path that didn’t exist.

I didn’t have time to worry about it. Three demons were coming up on Buffy’s back and Angel was occupied with his own handful. I leapt into the fray, taking out one as Buffy spun and finished the other two. Slash, hack and move, that’s all any of us could do. Luckily, we could do this all night if we had too. More and more of the portals winked out of sight as our mages sealed the fuckers. Screams still echoed as the partiers fought to get out of the area but were penned in. Police sirens split the night but if they had sense, they’d keep on driving once they saw what they were faced with.

Hearing a bellow of pain behind me, I whipped around and then jumped like my life depended on it. Lawson was down, some demon I didn’t know had her claws in him and was eyeing Nami and Gunn. I tackled her to the asphalt, burying my sword in her. I rolled to my feet just as something swooped down on us from above.

“What is that?” Drusilla asked, wearing her game face. 

“It looks like a hippogriff,” I said, bemused. The rider was blue and red and bumpy and otherwise grotesque. He was literally riding down on us with a lance out. Dru and I both jumped up grabbing for him. She swung on the lance, trying to pry it free but didn’t have enough weight or strength. I, on the other hand, pulled him free of the hippogriff and captured the lance in hand. Dru dropped on top of the demon, finishing him before he could do any harm. I juggled the lance getting a good grip and nudged my mount with a knee. “Come on, Buckbeak, let’s do this.”

“Why does he get to do the cool stuff?” Spike’s voice was thin and distant as I got the hippogriff to soar and then dive. Lances worked pretty good on the snot-monsters as it turned out.

I managed a few more good kills before Buckbeak caught it in the neck leaving me in a five-story freefall. I heard Nami screaming my name. Well if she hadn’t guessed how much of a freak, I really am she was going to know for sure now. I stuck the landing like a Russian gymnast. My feet and knees ached a little but that wasn’t anything I hadn’t done for fun so many times before.

I growled deep in my throat as feral as a vampire as I watched mini-Cthulus sneaking up behind Nami and Julio and hell even Gunn who seemed to be shadowing my friends. Dru had her hands full with another Valwof. I leaped, clearing the distance in one bound. I landed directly on one of the tentacled monsters. Its head proved shockingly squishy as it went down. I hacked another in half, ichor flying everywhere. I was coated with blood and other fluids at this point, my sword slipping in my hand.

“How…” Nami whispered. “How could you fall so far and not be dead?”

“Not now, Nami.” I squatted down next to Lawson. “You still with us?”

“You’re…a monster,” he panted.

“Yeah, you know what, you might want to be nicer if you’re dying,” I said, knowing he was. I should be kinder myself, but I wasn’t in the mood. “See that?” I pointed to Cliff Castle inside the portal.

“Matches your tattoo,” Nami muttered.

“It was mine once. You better hang on and not die, Lawson, because you wouldn’t want to end up in _my_ hell dimension because I remember every nasty thing you’ve said to Julio, Nami and me.”

“Connor.” Angel’s sharp, disapproving tone snapped me out of the vicious fugue I was sinking into.

Fuck, I was the one stripping gears at this point. Sometimes my own hold on reality was tenuous and the monster inside me was too close to the surface. I didn’t have time to think about it. A wall of monsters advanced on us, too many for us to take on. How did Wolfram and Hart ever dream they could manage this? I hoped every one of them paid in blood and pain.

“Get behind me,” I said, stepping closer to the demon brigade. Buffy, Dawn, Angel, Spike, Drusilla and Mary Ellen glanced my way at that loud command. Each of their faces wore a resigned mask as they knew they couldn’t take on the entire demonic army heading our way. They would fight anyhow, maybe die and I couldn’t allow that. I had one trick left. I summoned the powers I had developed over the years, something more useful than visions that haunted my head. The white light enveloped me.

“Connor,” Nami said questioningly. 

The power lifted me until I was hovering a few inches off the ground and then I let it go. As it washed out ahead of me, the demons dissolved just like my knife had all those years ago under Cordy’s assault in my early days here on Earth. I settled back and my legs nearly went out from under me. I was drained like a reservoir with a broken dam, but I couldn’t rest not now.

“What the hell was that?” Spike roared.

“I have no idea…Connor, what the hell?” Angel grabbed my arm, steadying me but also demanding acknowledgement. I wasn’t able to answer. I needed a second. Their eyes were on me making my skin crawl. I was a freak among freaks, and it felt a little like dying inside.

An ear-damaging scream caught my attention. One of our mages struggled in the grips of a reptilian-looking thing. Dawn and Willow were after her, but I didn’t like their chances. Angel and I raced to save her or avenge her. Most of the portals were closed and Lilah was gone, into one if there was any justice but I bet she scurried off like a roach, leaving Gunn behind. Buffy and Kayin reached the mage before we did but it was already too late.

Another terrified shriek filled me with dread. I whipped around. In spite of the Slayers keeping most of this horribleness contained things were going sideways. Dru was pinned to the ground with a lance through the shoulder. Spike raced for her with Mary Ellen on his heels. Without her, the Quor-Tothians grabbed Julio, Nami and Gunn, scurrying back to Quor-Toth with them in tow. I spotted Lilah around a corner, directing them. She had better hope I never catch hold of her.

“Connor, don’t,” Angel whispered.

I steeled myself, rolling my shoulders. “We all knew I’d be going back, Dad.”

“You can’t leave them there,” he said, resigned as he glanced into the skies. Only Quor-Toth and one other portal were still open.

“You know I can’t. Dawn, Willow, don’t let them close this portal. I’d hate to have to lose months here because tearing my way back to Earth will take time,” I said, not waiting on an answer

“We’ll do our best,” Willow assured me.

“I’m coming with you.”

I paused, looking over my shoulder. “You can’t, Angel. You said Pylea brought your demon out to play and the human part of you was gone. Who knows what Quor-Toth would do to you?”

“They have your family. It’s worth the risk,” Angel replied.

My chest heaved. “All right, thank you.”

“I’ll come just in case things go sideways with Angel,” Buffy said, jogging over.

“Buffy,” Dawn cried.

“It’ll be okay,” she said but none of us knew that. “Just keep the portal open.”

“You might need more muscle.” Spike said. “The Slayers have things handled here.”

I nodded. Spike could help, provided he and Angel didn’t morph into something horrible. I wasn’t sure what would happen once we crossed into Quor-Toth, but I knew getting Nami and Julio out alive on my own might be impossible. Gunn, well if I could get him too I would but I wasn’t bending over backward.

“Hurry,” I said. “Who knows how much time has already passed over there.” It could have been a day or more for all I knew. I know it was more than the two minutes we spent discussing it.

I jumped into the portal and the energies of the dimension flooded me. My god, I was home again. Buffy made a strangled noise and I looked back at her. “What?”

Buffy covered her mouth, bending over. “Is it supposed to feel so horrible? I feel sick.”

“I think so yes,” Angel replied.

“Feels like home to me.” I didn’t wait for them. Cliff Castle was literally at the portal, or at least the back entrance. “Stick close. It’s been a thousand years or more since I left. I have no idea how changed this place will be.”

I was hoping not that much. This was not a place of science and progress and honestly it looked just like I had left it, only more run down. We got in the back very easily, just a few guards who were no match for us. The inside of the castle was still cold stone and dark, like something out of medieval Wales. Shockingly, the twenty years I’d be gone hadn’t affected my memory. I remembered the way to the throne room, if you wanted to call it that. Two Ddyvay demons lounged there. Ddyvays were the pinnacle of Quor-Toth’s demons, smart and vicious but we had the element of surprise. This ruler expected his minions to be on Earth, dealing with Wolfram and Hart, finding new lands to conquer while deploying others to protect their own land. They didn’t expect soft squishy humans to be a threat. 

The throne room had changed of course. Not the grey ugly stone of it but someone had put up portraits of themselves everywhere so they had developed art at this point. Who could have guessed? The throne was obviously a throne but made of bones and draped with Noxar fur, which was a lurid greenish color. I had a blankie made of it as a kid. A huge axe with a decorated handle and blade rested in a stand next to the throne as if it were ceremonial, though it looked sharp. A large window overlooked the cliff and the rushing river below it.

I was across the room before they even knew we were there. He wasn’t easy to pin but got my knife up under his armpit. From there it would be easy to slip the blade between his chitinous plates and kill him. Spike and Angel stopped the female Ddyvay while Buffy drew a bead with a crossbow on the one I had pinned.

“Three humans were brought here. I want them,” I said. 

“Don’t know what you mean,” the Ddyvay king said his voice rough and hissing.

“Do you know who I am?” I was curious. My name meant something but did my face? How big was my legend? God, Dad was right; my head was filled with this nonsense. 

“We all recognize you, Destroyer,” said the one Angel and Spike detained. Betting she was the king’s mate.

“Oh good, that makes this a lot easier then.” I grinned even as Angel widened his eyes, shocked to realize just how much of a monster his baby boy truly was to make an impression that lasted this long in a place like Quor-Toth. “Bring me back my friends and we’ll go, no harm no foul.”

“No humans here,” the king said.

I pulled the knife away from his armpit and in a flash loped off one of his fingers. He howled and his mate surged forward but the vampires held her back. “Know where those humans are now?”

“No!”

I brought up the knife, but he didn’t answer. Buffy whispered ‘no’ but I took his next finger and the one after that.

“Stop! I’ll get them. Just stop!” his mate cried.

I pointed the knife slicked with his blood at her. “Hurry or I continue what I started, and then I’ll move on to digging the bones out of his wrist one by one.”

I wasn’t joking and she knew it. She disappeared. I felt Buffy’s disproving eyes on me, and I couldn’t look at her. For his part, Angel didn’t seem to want to look at me either. Bet he was seeing Angelus right about now. Time dragged on even though I doubt more than a minute had actually passed.

“Your queen better hurry or I start digging out bones,” I hissed at the king.

“Damn, kid,” Spike muttered as the king bellowed something in his language. 

His queen hustled back with Nami, Julio and Gunn in tow. They were dirty, pale and so shell shocked they seemed to be moving; like clockwork people, saying nothing. “Take them. Take them and never come back, Destroyer.”

“Nothing would make me happier. Let’s do this one better. I go and you _never_ give me reason to come back here. No one from here puts a toe into Earth’s realm or I come back home, and I go on a rampage. You know what that means.”

She shuddered her chitinous plates rattling. The king moaned, holding his damaged hand. “You’ll kill every living thing in the whatever city you’re in,” the queen said.

“Go, we will never let anyone cross there again,” the king added, not that there was too much of a chance in the first place since Quor-Toth was a locked realm. Still, I wanted them to know how damn serious I was.

“Glad we’re on the same page.” 

“Can we get the hell out of here now?” Buffy asked.

“Yeah, Nami, Julio are you okay?” I asked, taking Nami’s hand. She bobbed her head unable to speak. “Stick close everyone. Hey king, want to walk us out or I’ll take your queen to get us out cleanly. And I’m taking this!” I grabbed the pretty axe. The heft of it felt perfect.

They both led us out the front door. I stopped looking out toward the cliff. There was a statue that had to be me with my arm ax and stake launcher. I couldn’t move, stunned. Was I that big of a monster that they memorialized me in a place filled with monsters? 

“Connor,” Buffy said, and I looked over. She had her phone out and I heard it click. “That is…”

“Terrifying,” Spike supplied.

“I’d be proud if I wasn’t also a little horrified,” Angel said, his eyes huge.

I curled my lip at them, trying to hide I was all of those things too, terrified, proud, embarrassed. Julio and Nami still said nothing. Gunn stared at me as if he’d never seen me before. “Move, they’re still holding open that damn portal.

“Go, Destroyer, leave this place.” The king tried throwing his weight around.

“Don’t you worry and don’t you forget what I said.”

As soon as I turned away from him to chivvy everyone home, the king attacked. I should have been paying attention and patted him down for weapons. What a moronic rookie mistake. His knife sliced into my arm deep. I leapt away, blood flowing everywhere. Before Dad could land his blow on the king, I sliced the Ddyvay’s head clean off, nearly tagging Angel with the blade.

I whirled on the queen, halting her mid-lunge. “You have two choices. You go back and be queen and tell everyone what happens if they set their sights on Earth and I let you live. Or you can attack me now and I still let you live so you can watch me slowly dismember everyone you care about. Take your pick,” I growled, trying to block out Nami’s plaintive “Connor.”

The Ddyvay queen bared her teeth at me. “I will go back and rule.”

“Good choice.”

I watched her go as Angel used his gross, bloody shirt to tie up the large wound on my arm, and then I led my friends and family home. We made it out, nearly running over Dawn and Willow. 

“You’re back,” Willow breathed. “We can drop the spell that’s shielding us,” she added, and Dawn nodded, hugging her sister.

“I feel horrible,” Buffy said.

“That place,” Nami said, startling me. “It was…wrong. It was so wrong.”

“Hell, even I feel a little sick,” Spike said, rubbing his gut.

“It gets into you and poisons you,” Angel said.

“Not me,” I said but they had believed I was sick with Quor-Toth’s energies all those years ago. Maybe it was true, but I didn’t feel sick. Maybe I really am a monster. I took Nami’s hand and Buffy’s in the other. I let the power flow out of me, crystalline white, washing over them, driving out what Quor-Toth had left behind. I staggered. I was getting close to the end of my energy reserves.

“That’s better,” Buffy said.

“Good because we need to get the hell out of here,” I said. “Nami, they know you’re down here, right?”

She tossed her head back, as if startled by the relatively mundane question. “Yes of course.”

“The task force knew we were here with a warrant,” Julio added softly.

“Then you’d better tell them you were held hostage and just got free,” I said, nodding toward flashing lights of cop cars knifed the night. “You’re battered and bruised enough. Tell them you were knocked out because you can’t tell them the truth.”

“I don’t even know what the truth was,” Nami growled.

“We were in hell.” Julio shook all the way to his scuffed oxfords.

“You were but no one will believe you. Lie, keep it simple but I can’t be here. I have no reason to be here and…” I held out my arms. I was coated with blood and worse.

“You tortured that …thing, didn’t you?” Nami stared straight through me, horrified at what I’d done.

I forced myself to not look away. “Don’t ask me anything now. Come to the Hyperion tomorrow and I’ll answer everything, both of you. Will you come?”

They didn’t answer.

“Please,” I whispered but they still said nothing.

“I don’t know where I am,” Gunn said in a small voice. “What happened here?”

“Gunn?” Angel asked. 

“Angel? What are we doing here?” 

“Gunn, you work for Wolfram and Hart. You guys organized this apocalypse.”

Gunn blinked. “I what? I just…I work there but…I don’t understand.”

“I think he’s been under a spell,” Willow said. “That broke when he went across.”

“Then you need to get the hell out of here, Gunn,” Angel said. “All of us do. Willow, Dawn, the others?”

“Gone already, Wes and Dru with them,” Dawn said.

“Then here’re my keys.” Angel fished them out and tossed the key ring to them. “Get out of here. The rest of us are too encrusted to get in the car. Connor’s right, the Hyperion’s closer. We’ll have to run for it.”

“All right,” Willow said.

“They’re coming,” Spike nodded to where some police edged through the disaster zone.

“You’ll be okay now, Nami, Julio. I have to go. Please, come tomorrow. I’ll explain everything,” I said.

She only stared at me. I couldn’t wait and do more than I had. Either she forgave me or not. We had to leave. We started to run, exhausted as we were but we were predators, creatures of the night and we slipped into its embrace.


	29. Connor

Chapter Twenty-Nine – Connor

_I stand alone_  
I'm no hero and I'm not made of stone  
Right or wrong  
I can hardly tell  
I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell   
**Wrong Side of Heaven – Five Finger Death Punch**

 

I’d drank an entire pot of coffee by myself since day broke. Buffy and Dawn were somewhere in the Hyperion, maybe avoiding me. I knew for certain Wes was. Spike and Angel weren’t as bright. I _think_ they were trying to be supportive but mostly they were making me wish I had left them in Quor-Toth. How Mom and Dru hadn’t just dusted both of them at some point was truly beyond my comprehension.

Spike yammered nonstop, but he usually did. Maybe he believed if he kept me keyed up, I wouldn’t come undone. It was certainly better than Angel’s smothering over-parenting. I wanted to murder them both. It didn’t help that Nami had texted me she and Julio were coming. I didn’t know if that meant they were coming to talk or if they were coming with a platoon. Was this the last time I would ever see my best friend? Would I be running away in a few hours to parts unknown? My hands wouldn’t stop shaking and my gut twisted around the lake of coffee inside it.

“Maybe you should see what Wes is doing,” I suggested, hoping one or the other would bug off.

Angel waved me off, sitting across from me at the ice cream parlor table in the Hyperion’s exercise room. “He’s fine.”

“He was contacted by Gunn. It looks like Willow is right and he was under Wolfram and Hart’s spell all these years. He barely remembers the last two decades. He was your friend,” I said, honestly surprised Angel didn’t want to help.

He nodded, his gaze slippery. “I know that, Connor. I’m worried about him but I’m also worried that if we all mob him right now it’ll do more harm than good. Let Wes hold out the olive branch.”

“Really? He and Gunn weren’t on the best of terms over Fred,” I said.

“I know that too, but you are….” Angel paused, his voice quavering. “Your life has been turned upside down. You need me. You’re terrified about what’s going to happen and you’re not hiding it nearly as well as you think.”

“No kidding,” Spike snorted, sprawled in one of the lounge chairs near the pool. “You’re about to fly apart, kiddo.”

It wouldn’t help to remind Spike I’m far from being a kid anymore. To them I might always be kiddo, god help me. 

“You need your family here, Connor. You’re right, I always let you go when you needed me the most. Not anymore. I’m holding on.” For a terrifying second I thought he was going to run over and hug me and I couldn’t handle that at the moment.

“Right now, I _need_ you to let me go. I need to deal with Nami and Julio myself. You can’t help with that.” I stood and walked to the stairs.

“Connor.”

“I’m just going to the lobby. I don’t want to meet them down here.” I wanted to go even higher in the old hotel. Spike and Angel couldn’t follow me there easily. The necro-tempered windows were very expensive. Since neither vampire lived here anymore, and the upper floors housed mostly Watchers and Slayers, we only had the glass on the ground floor and the half windows here in the basement. 

They didn’t leave me go by myself. Oh of course not. Angel was going to make up for nearly forty years of not being a Dad to me. Fuck knew what Spike wanted. Well, he was addicted to soap operas and this was one. The lobby had been a bad call. It was much improved from those early days, with lots of comfortable couches and tables but it also had Dawn and Buffy behind the pretty wood of the old front desk talking about who knew what, maybe Dawn’s plan to hook up with me again. 

Spike and Angel roosted in the farthest corner away from the front doors, safely in the shadows. Maybe I was being wrong-headed about this. Maybe instead of them being in my way I should see them as back up, moral support, and additional story tellers if indeed Nami and Julio were willing to listen.

“I need more coffee,” I muttered.

“You’ll vibrate through time,” Spike said cheerfully. “Say hello to your mum when you get there.”

I flipped him off just as someone rang the doorbell. I tried to take a deep breath, but it was as if I’d been kicked in the chest by a Slayer. I stumbled for the door. I had to be the one to let them in and seeing as no one else moved, they understood that. Maybe I should just make them all leave. _Hell, just answer the damn door, idiot. If they want the others to go, then force them out._ Nami and Julio both stood there, tense but not aggressively so. No weapons drawn, so that could be hopeful.

I stepped back. “Come in. I….” I couldn’t find my words. “Thanks,” I settled on lamely.

They said nothing but came inside. They appraised the scene and the people in a way only cops and predators could pull off so effortlessly.

“They can be elsewhere if you want. It’s a big place,” I babbled, stating the blatantly obvious.

“I have questions for them too,” Nami said.

“Then they can stay.” I swept a hand toward the most comfortable couch in the room and the chair next to it. “You can sit on the couch.”

“I don’t know that we’re staying long,” Julio said, sending my hopes into a death spiral.

“Please, I’ll tell you whatever you need to know. You weren’t in trouble, were you? Once we got you back from Quor-Toth.” I had texted them both last night. Neither answered me.

“So that’s what that…horrible place is called? How do you know that?” Nami narrowed her eyes at me.

“It’s a hell dimension. You can call it hell because it literally is,” I said. “As for the other, maybe I should start the story at the beginning. A lot of things will make sense in context.”

“We didn’t get in trouble,” Nami said, sitting on the couch. “Everyone was talking about terrorists in monster masks. Us being held hostage by people in masks wasn’t hard to believe especially as you pointed out we were bruised and battered.”

“Are you all right? I hoped you weren’t badly hurt,” I fretted, hovering, unable to relax. “It didn’t look it but…”

“I saw demons!” Julio cried, punching his fist into the arm of the couch. “I’m not all right.”

I flinched. “I’m sorry, I know, that was stupid of me.”

Suddenly Dawn was at my elbow. I’d been too worked up to even notice. She put a tray on the coffee table, all the fixings for tea and three cups. She and Buffy had prepared for this meeting better than I. Dawn clapped a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze before moving off without a word.

I sat on the chair next to the couch and Julio finally sat next to Nami. “I know you might not feel like tea, but if you want some, I can fix it.” I started making some for myself. My hand shook so bad that I could barely pour. Nami put her hand over mine, steadying me.

“You’re shaking,” Julio said.

“I’m _nervous_ ,” I gasped.

“You?” His voice went up three octaves in the single syllable. “You’re the one who walked off a five story drop and was cutting up those demons like it was a video game. What do you have to be nervous about?”

“About losing you two,” I whispered. “About losing my home and my family.”

They said nothing. Nami took the pot from me and poured tea for me and her. Julio waved her off. 

“You’re not human, are you?” she asked finally.

“I _am_ human! It’s just not all I am,” I said and launched into the synopsis of vampires, demons and Slayers. I couldn’t stop talking. Buffy and the others chimed in from time to time. Finally, I wound down, still shaking.

“If I hadn’t seen what I saw last night, I’d think you’re insane,” she said when I quieted.

“Why do you think I never told you? And why we don’t fear telling you now? No one will believe it if they hadn’t seen it. I never wanted you to see this part of life,” I said. “I tried so hard to keep you from it.”

“Is that why Dawn told me her psychic friend said to stay away from the Harbor Song?” Nami asked. 

“Yes,” Dawn replied. “The psychics did see you being hurt there and Connor having to go into hell to get you back.”

Nami appraised her coolly. “Honestly I thought you were a little nuts.” 

“And we couldn’t ignore a tip like that.” Julio sighed, digging in his pocket. “I did tell Mom about everything. I knew she’d believe me. She didn’t want me to come here, gave me this.” He pulled out a small bottle of holy water. “But I didn’t know…would this work?”

I took the bottle from him. “Depends on what you’re dealing with. But Julio, I’ve been to mass with you. Nami, I’m Kaito and Suzume’s god father. You’ve both seen me touch holy water.”

“Then it doesn’t work. Is there no heaven? It is all a lie, isn’t it?” Julio’s voice quavered, his eyes misting over.

I popped up, putting a hand on his shoulder. “That’s not true. Souls are real. That one over there loses his from time to time.” I jabbed a finger at Angel. “I almost had mine eaten by a demon. My soul was this pretty green-white light and it hurt like hell to have it torn out of me.” 

“Wait,” Angel interrupted. “When did _that_ happen?”

“Trying to get your dumbass soul back,” I snapped. “If people had listened to me on how to deal with that scenario, that would never have happened.”

Angel grimaced. “That’s because your suggestion was to kill me.”

“You had your soul _eaten_?” Julio’s question was so loud and deranged I left off the burgeoning argument with dad.

“Not so much eaten as half-extracted from my body and nibbled on. I don’t know if I would have died or been a soulless monster but either way, it hurt like hell and souls are real. You saw hell last night, or should I say hells are real but not really like you heard about in Sunday school. Heaven is too with the same caveat.” I opened the holy water, touching a drop or two to my finger as I walked around the couch. “Don’t lose your faith on the account of me, Julio. I’m mostly human as I said. Holy water doesn’t affect me. Don’t tell Father Flanagan but I’m the one who keeps taking all his holy water so I can use it in battle. Because it does work on some demons.” I poured a palm full of water into my hand as I walked further away from my friends. I tossed it at Angel and Spike. The anti-demon violence spell stopped my hand but not the water.

It sprinkled them and they sizzled, bellowing, transforming. Nami and Julio both jumped. So did Buffy, glaring at me.

“You little tosser!” Spike growled.

“What the hell, son?” Angel rubbed at his smoking hand.

“We’re detectives. We like evidence not hearsay.” I shrugged.

“Spike’s right, you’re an ass sometimes.” Angel sighed, his features returning to human.

“But…then they’re evil.” Julio pointed at them with a shaking hand.

I tossed myself back into the chair and handed him the recapped holy water bottle. “When a vampire kills and infects another human, the soul isn’t taken. It goes wherever it was destined for. Angel, Spike and Drusilla all have their souls back in there with the demon, controlling it, holding it in check, so they aren’t any more evil than they were in life. So, you have the soul of a lazy drunk, a whiny poet and a nun.”

“Definitely a wanker,” Spike muttered, “Just like his drunken lazy old man.”

“Oh, go whine somewhere else,” Angel sniped. “And write your bad poetry.”

“My _point_ is those three won’t hurt you, but any other vampire is out to kill you. However, they are sensitive to holy water, fire, a wooden stake to the heart and objects of faith.” I pulled out my St. Michael’s medallion and Celtic cross. “Neither of those two could touch this. Bullets, on the other hand, can’t take them out, luckily because my first day here, Angel took a shotgun blast from a cop who did unload on an unarmed teenager, namely me. Shocked the hell out of me mostly because I had no idea what a gun was or that Angel would protect me. I was taught very much to the contrary about Angel.”

“First day here?” Nami leaned forward on the couch.

“Okay, here’s where things get very weird,” I said.

“You mean they weren’t?” Julio eyed me.

“No, that was just the basic supernatural. Here’s the weirdness, Angel and Mom managed to piss off a vampire hunter back in the seventeen hundreds. He was magically brought forward in time, don’t know how, doesn’t matter. He kidnapped me when I was just a few days old and we ended up in Quor-Toth. That’s how I knew that place. I lived the first eighteen years of my life in that place. All of you saw an unspeakable hell. I thought ‘wow, I’m back home and boy, does it suck’.”

“You have that castle on your side. I wondered about it all night. It kept me up,” Nami murmured.

“So, little wanker, you weren’t the only one up all night,” Spike scoffed.

“I swear we should go do this outside. Sunlight kills vampires,” I said, glaring at him.

“Doesn’t he have a convertible?” Nami nodded to Angel.

“Yeah, Mom picked him for his face, not his brains.” I ignored his wounded expression, turning my attention to Spike. “And I wasn’t up all night.”

“You were weeping like an infant,” Spike shot back.

“Give me that holy water back, Julio,” I growled. “And it wasn’t all night. I fell asleep because when I woke up, I found my gun and my knives missing.”

“You won’t be getting those back until we see how this goes.” Angel gestured to my friends.

“It’s not like he’s a suicide risk,” Nami said.

“No, I am, have been for years,” I said, and she widened her eyes. “It was a rough night worrying about you two.”

“Connor.” She leaned over and took my hand. “You know you can talk to me. How could I not know you’ve thought about suicide?”

“Because I couldn’t tell you without telling you all about this supernatural crap. You would have thought I’d gone insane, but there have been attempts.”

“Connor,” Nami whispered again, squeezing my hand.

I squeezed back. “I couldn’t wrap you up in my drama, Nami. I had others I could and did talk to.”

“Kate,” she said. “I’ve always wondered about your friendship with her. She left the force years ago, but they sometimes still talk about it, the older ones who remember. She talked about the supernatural. She knows, doesn’t she?”

“Oh yes.”

“You grew up in that hell? How are you sane?” Julio asked.

“Because I never knew different. My home was violent, and I was trained by Father, Holtz, the man who took me to survive. He was the only father I had ever known but he made sure I knew that my real father was a vampire, a monster and he made damn sure I knew I had one mission that would free us. Cling to the good and lay waste to the evil.” I pointed at Angel. “Kill him and that’s what I came to earth for. I wasn’t going to stay. It wasn’t my home, not anymore. Quor-Toth, however, is the darkest of the dark realms. There aren’t portals to it because it’s so evil. I have no idea how the portal got opened when Holtz took me across as a baby. I don’t want to know what Wolfram and Hart had to do, what got sacrificed, to open it last night. It took me years to learn how to get from there to here, but time moved differently there. I was only gone here a couple of weeks but there I aged years. As far as Angel and his friends were concerned, one day I was a baby and the next I was a hellaciously angry teenager. Technically I’m in my twenties but thanks to the time difference I’m now forty-something. No one knows how old I actually am.”

“I can’t even imagine.” Nami wiped tears from her face. “I can’t imagine being a child there.”

I shook my head. “I was never a child, Nami. I was young, there’s a difference. I’ve been killing demons since I was like four or five years old. I’m good at it. I get tired of it but it’s what I was born to do.”

“You glowed and demons died. How did that work?” Julio asked.

“I honestly don’t know. It’s one of my abilities. I’m very strong and fast and have senses far beyond a human’s. I heal fast. I move and heal like them.” I pointed back at Angel and Spike. “But that power, the one that destroyed the demons, and my ability to see the future, that’s unique to me. Well, being a seer isn’t unique but it’s rare. Drusilla gets visions too. We’re the ones who had Dawn call. I knew if you two were there, you’d end up in hell.”

“You tried to stop us,” Nami said. 

“I failed.”

“But you came for us. You walked into that hell, knowing what it was, knowing you might not get back out.” She shook hard. “Why?”

“You’re my best friend,” I said, my voice cracking. I managed a sip of the tea. “Both my fathers taught me one thing. You do whatever it takes to protect your family. You’re my family, the only one I’ve had for a very long time, mostly my own fault but there was no way I was going to let that place have you. No matter what it took, and they came with me, knowing too that place might render them monsters, might trap them there because they weren’t letting me go into hell alone. There was never a prayer of me not coming for you. I don’t care how many distractions Wolfram and Hart threw at me. And you two were a _distraction_ to keep us from stopping them but they failed and no, you’ll never prove it. For that matter, you’ll never prove anything about the slumber party case. Vampires killed them and took their bodies because all of those kids rose as vampires.” 

“What happened to them?” Nami whispered.

“They’re all gone. Dust.” I glanced away. “We dealt with them.”

“But why would anyone do that? What could they hope to gain by making a bunch of teenage vampires?”

“They were out to impress the prophesized Miracle Child.” I sighed.

“Dare we ask?” Nami looked at me, nearly begging me to stop.

“Probably best not. There’s a cult of vampires who believe the Miracle Child can lead them to basically owning this world.” I shook my head.

“These Slayers of yours, have they done anything about this vampire Jesus?” Julio twisted up his features. “I mean, what is he doing with all these kids the vampires bring him?”

Spike snickered. “He hates it when you call him Vampire Jesus.”

“Shut it, spike,” I growled. “What he did was kill all the vampires, Julio.” My partners weren’t satisfied by that. They turned their ‘interrogation faces’ on me. Hard stares wouldn’t work on me easily but I had to tell them the truth. “It’s _me_. I’m the Miracle Child. They did it to get my attention.”

Nami pressed back into the couch. Julio quested for her hand.

“It was the last damn thing they ever did,” Angel muttered.

“Exactly and I’m hoping the demon underworld and its vast network picked up on that, so they get the idea that I’m not interested and if I find them, I’ll kill them.”

“This is your life?” Nami’s lips trembled. “This is horrible.”

“Yes, it is and it’s why I’ve always shielded you from it. Some days when you’ve noticed I’m tired, it could be because I’ve been out with the Slayers helping to stop the apocalypse. Last night is not the only one we’ve stopped by a long shot.” I ran my hand through my hair. I didn’t want more tea. I wanted my whiskey. “I love you, Nami. I couldn’t expose you to this but last night Wolfram and Hart took that away from me. They laid me wide open, for all to see what I am, so Spike isn’t wrong. I spent the whole night living in fear about this moment, what you two will do. And …well hell I never even asked, did Lawson make it? Do I have to worry about him too?”

“He’s in a coma. They’re not sure he’ll make it,” Julio said without much emotion. “You were pretty harsh to him.”

“I know. I was into my dangerous zone, but I also have no real regrets because he’s been a horrible human to all three of us.”

He nodded. “If you’re mostly human, what else are you?”

“No one knows.”

“Hell god, they said that, right?” He shook when he asked that.

“That’s new to me. I’ve never heard that before but…I can’t deny I’m some sort of powerful being.”

“And, we’re not using that term,” Spike offered. “It’ll give him airs.”

I shot up my middle finger. “Ignore him. Spike’s not nearly as funny as he thinks he is. But seriously don’t call me that. I don’t like it. It makes me feel evil and I’m not. At least I know my soul’s not because I know the goodness of it was making Mom nuts when she was carrying me.”

“I don’t like that title either.” Nami tugged at her long hair. “What I don’t understand about all this story, Connor, is why would your kidnapper run to that horrible place if he was just a human being? Just the short time we were there made me sick and terrified. I can’t imagine passing eighteen years there.”

“Father…, sorry, Holtz didn’t mean to go there,” I said as Angel said, “It’s okay if you call him Father.” He might actually mean that. “Holtz meant to take me to Utah because I so would have fit in with Mormons. I don’t know how he ended up in Quor-Toth other than it was an accident.”

“But why take you at all, an innocent baby?”

“Oh, because that one and Mom murdered Holtz’s wife and kids for shits and giggles.” I pointed to Angel who averted his face.

“It was more complicated than that,” Angel defended weakly.

“No, it wasn’t.”

“You killed kids?” Nami eyed Angel horrified.

To Dad’s credit, he met her gaze straight on. “I was evil then but yes. Maybe not as many as Spike but we killed kids. Vampires are nasty creatures. It’s why the Slayers are meant to stop us. As Connor said, Spike and I are anomalies.”

“Freaking cautionary tales.” Spike sighed. “And it was your old woman who really liked going for kids.”

“Not so much, well there was that one time at the orphanage and I thought that was your idea. It took Darla being pregnant to change things and forced her to dine almost exclusively on the purest of people,” Angel said.

I turned almost in slow-mo, stunned, half-frozen. “ _What_?”

Angel’s eyes widened, realizing he’d made a faux pas. “Wes or Cordy never told you that?”

I looked away, unable to comprehend that news. If I emptied my stomach on the coffee table right now….no, I had to hold it together. I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, judging me. 

“Connor,” Angel said worriedly.

“I think he’s lost the plot,” Spike said.

Angel stood, crossing the room. “Connor.”

I flung up a hand, hushing him. I took out my phone with the other, texting frantically.

“Connor?” Nami asked.

“I’m trying not to puke here,” I said. “And I’m texting Jayla, my psychiatrist. She’s a Watcher, knows all about this world, and I think I might need to talk to her tonight.”

Nami rested her hand on my knee. “You’re so pale.”

“I hadn’t known that. How many kids died so I could live?”

“There’s no answer to that. It’s something you’re better off not pondering,” Angel said. “I’m sorry I said anything.”

I grunted. 

“That’s…how do you wrap your head around that?” Julio asked.

“What really bakes the brain, Julio, is knowing that my parents were dead for a couple of centuries before I was even conceived. That I gestated inside an animated corpse, probably in amniotic fluid that was pure blood.”

Julio recoiled, gagging. “I…I will say a prayer for you.”

I laughed, sounding less sane than Drusilla, unable to stop the tears dripping off my face. “Thank you. And now you know why I’ve never liked my family, Nami. It’s not an easy family to accept and get along with. It’s why being part of your family has meant so much to me and now I might have lost that forever.”

Her lips thinned, pale to the point of turning blue. “My kids cannot know about this.”

“They will never know it from me…unless there is some threat to them that I have to protect them from,” I said, wiping my face.

“I’ll be the first to admit, most of the time I think Connor’s a dick,” Buffy said and I was too wrecked to protest. “But I know this, you couldn’t ask for a fiercer protector of your kids. He would fight and die for them. I’ve seen him go to amazing lengths for kids he doesn’t know. I can’t even imagine what he’d do to keep your children safe.”

“I have always trusted him with them,” Nami said. “I saw how he fought to save us. I know he would do so for them, but this is a lot. I don’t even know how you were able to fight so hard after being shot like you were. You moved like there was nothing wrong with you but I know how horribly wounded you were. I saw all the sutures.”

“Oh, yeah, that. Like I said, I heal like them.” I stood and peeled off my shirt. The wound for last night on my arm was just a thin angry red line. 

Nami gasped. Julio pointed. “There’s not a single bullet hole in him.”

“No, I’ve been healed for some while. Don’t get me wrong. I damn near died that night. I’m immortal not invulnerable.”

“Wait, what?” Julio did a double take.

“Did I forget that part? It’s possible I’m immortal. I sure as hell am not aging. Frankly at least one of those suicide attempts was about the fact I don’t want to live forever and fuck the prophecies that say I will.” I sighed, pulling my shirt back on. “It’s a very lonely feeling. I mean I know I’ll lose you guys someday, but I was hoping it wasn’t going to be today.” My voice broke.

Nami stood and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me tight to her. “Not today you’re not. This is a lot to take in. It’s horrifying but you are my partner. You’re family and if you can promise me you’ll never hurt my kids – and I can’t imagine you ever doing that – then we go on just like we have, as family.”

I sobbed, trying to stifle it. “I promise.” I slipped my arms around her, holding on for dear life. 

“You don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going anywhere,” Nami said and I cried harder.

“I might not know exactly what you are, Connor, but I know you walked into a hell you _knew_ you might not come back from to save me and Nami. I don’t even care you might have some hint of the demon in you. I know who you are. You’ve always been my friend at work where others have been cruel. You stood up for me and you save my life last night. I would be a terrible person to turn my back on you now.” Julio said, getting to his feet.

I detached myself from Nami to reach out and clamp my hand on his shoulder. He dragged me into a hug. I accepted gratefully.

“I think there’s more yet to this sad story,” Nami said when Julio let me go.

“I haven’t told you about my daughter,” I whispered and they sat back down. I told them of Jasmine. I couldn’t look at anyone, eyes glued to the floor because Nami and Julio wept. I could hear Angel crying over the sound of my own tears.

By the end, Nami had pulled me down on the couch between her and Julio, an arm wrapped protectively over my shoulder. “I believe you should stay with your father tonight. Don’t go back to your place alone. Your head is a mess.”

“My head is _always_ a mess, Nami. Seriously, my therapist is making time for me tonight.”

“Even so, stay with people tonight. On Sunday, you’re coming for dinner and I want you to stay with us and the kids.”

I shook my head. “It’s an imposition.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m serious. I’ll come all day if you want, eat dinner, stay until the kids go to bed but you don’t want me there all night.”

Nami scowled at me. “I do.”

“You know I have night terrors. You’re not wrong. My head is a mess right now. I _am_ going to wake up shrieking. I don’t want to expose the kids to that.” My face flushed.

“I’ve witnessed them,” Buffy said. “They’re scary for adults.”

Nami blanched. “Point taken. All right, give me the day then.”

“I can do that and thank you.”

“I’d like to have you over too,” Julio said. “I didn’t tell Mama you were a demon, just that there were some. You saved me. You’ll be her hero forever.” He smiled. “She might never stop cooking for you.”

“I’m good with that.” I laughed. “Hint, her _gorditas de huevos_ is a fine place to start.”

“Tell that doesn’t have more cow stomach in it.” Buffy shuddered.

“It’s a masa cake with eggs, relax. Buffy wouldn’t even try Mama’s menudo. Her loss, my gain,” I said. “This whole crew is so high maintenance, except Dawn. She’s up for experimentation.”

“Can you make that sound less sleazy?” Buffy glared.

“No.”

“What do they eat?” Nami nodded to Dad and Spike.

“Not humans anymore. Cow and pig blood mostly. Spike will eat food to either piss me off, like my spicy chocolate truffles, or to be social. Angel’s too busy brooding to remember how to be social,” I replied, and he glared worse than Buffy. “And I mean it, Nami, Julio, thank you. I can’t tell you what your acceptance means to me. I gave a minute’s thought last night of running away and leaving that fight to the Slayers so you wouldn’t know what I am because I knew I could lose everything if you did. But they wouldn’t have known how to navigate Quor-Toth and the visions said it would happen so to keep you safe as possible I had to risk it all.”

Nami squeezed my knee. “I can’t imagine how afraid you were. I’ve had friends say they’d walk into hell for me, but you actually did it.”

“It helps that I knew that hell.” I shrugged.

“Still, you did it. I want to stay but I told some of the others I would visit Lawson today,” Julio said regretfully as he stood. 

“I’ll go with you,” I said, and he widened his eyes.

“He didn’t visit you.”

“No, but I want to prove we’re better men than him.”

Julio snorted. “That needs no proving. After what you said to him, seeing you might just scare him to death if he wakes up.”

“Yeah, can’t be too sorry about that and I know, bad Connor, don’t say that.”

Julio shrugged. “God forgives petty thoughts. Lawson hates all three of us. My petty thought is even if he lives, I hope he doesn’t come back, and I get a partner that doesn’t hate me because I’m gay or Hispanic. You were always accepting of that even when some of the guys told you I had a crush on you. I didn’t. I just thought you had pretty eyes.”

I knew he wasn’t entirely truthful. He did have a crush on me once but I let him lie. “My best feature and I didn’t care. I’m pretty sure everyone in my family is bisexual. I don’t worry about things like that.”

They looked over at Angel and Spike who squirmed.

“Yeah those two hate fuck on occasion or pretend to hate or honestly I don’t _want_ to know. I know Mom and Dru had a thing too. If you had to label me, poly pansexual fits though I lean more to older women – shut up about Oedipus, Nami – brunettes preferred.”

She cocked her eyebrows at me. “So, someone like me, Oedipus?”

“You are off limits even if you weren’t married and seriously, don’t. Everyone teases me because I like mature women. They _know_ things the younger ones don’t. Who can blame me?”

“The kid has a point,” Spike said. “And we _don’t_ screw.” He shoved Angel.

I snorted. “That night in Chepstow in that inn that used to be a morgue or funeral home or something? God knows why you were there.”

They looked at each other hostile as hell. Angel pushed Spike who jabbed back, both of them at the same time crying, “You told!”

“Me? Connor doesn’t even _talk_ to me!” Dad elbowed him harder. Buffy stepped in between them.

Spike peered around her. “I don’t tell him stuff like that. Maybe it was a vision?”

“It was Dru,” I replied. “Her and Mom watched and critiqued and you two had no idea. She let it slip out one night.”

They looked mortified. I shouldn’t find it as funny as I did. 

I turned back to Julio. “I’ll come by the hospital later. Thank you again from coming. Oh, and one last piece of advice, always be aware of strangers at your door in the night. Vampires can’t come in unless invited.”

“I’ll remember that,” Julio said. 

“I should get back to Kenji and the kids.” Nami got up too. “But I have one last question. Did you give my kids ice cream and cotton candy at the beach? This was a very important point for Kaito this morning.”

The mundane question threw me. For a second all I could do was stare, gap-mouthed. “Hell no! I know better than that. They asked for it and were highly disappointed when I refused.”

Nami nodded. “That explains it. Kaito insisted I tell you that there now exists an ice cream burrito wrapped in cotton candy and he wanted you to know it that he and Suzume were right to want it together.”

“What did you just say?” My mood lifted.

“Cotton candy ice cream burrito. Kaito was hot for you to know it existed.”

“I must eat that!”

“Oh, Connor, no,” Angel moaned. “That can’t be healthy.”

“Shut it. You don’t get to weigh in on food. Where do I find this slice of sugary heaven?”

Nami wagged her head. “I have no idea. I’m with Angel. You can’t eat that!”

Dawn ran over with her cell phone. “Found it! Look, they show you making it.” She shoved her phone in front of us.

I stared in awe at the video. “You can put mix ins into it! Peanut butter cups and mini marshmallows!” I planned out my sin.

“You’re making it worse,” Angel protested. 

“I give up on you,” Nami said.

“You’ve had a rough time in the last few weeks. I’ll take you to get this.” Dawn took my hand. “We can split it and we can go get that crunchy piggy burger you like too.”

“Oh, with this, we might want the peanut butter burger,” I counter offered. “Or the deep fried Twinkie bacon cheeseburger.”

“What in the name of hell?” Angel asked, defeated. I waved him off.

Nami turned to Julio. “I think we should be partners, Julio. Connor is going to die from a sugar coma if his cholesterol doesn’t get him first.”

Julio laughed.

“And probably take my son with him because he desperately wants that ice cream abomination.” Nami snorted.

“I’m willing to try the Twinkie burger,” Dawn said.

“Dawn!” Buffy cried.

“Told she was experimental.” I beamed at Buffy.

“Forget it, Slayer,” Spike said. “The little wanker has found his soulmate.”

I flipped him off as Buffy’s phone rang. “Don’t worry, Nami, I won’t take the kids for this. I won’t even tease Kaito that I’ve eaten it and he isn’t allowed to, mostly because I don’t want to hear him whine and beg.”

“And he will.”

“Connor,” Buffy said, her voice tight. “That was Rosa. Some of those really scary demons, the one in the castle….”

“Ddyvays,” I replied, heart rate ramping up. This wasn’t going to be good.

“At least a half dozen were spotted in the downtown area. She wanted some back up.” Buffy smirked at me. “Feel like helping?”

“Hell yeah. I have a lot of emotions I need to beat out on something,” I said, heading for the weapons locker in the other room. “Julio, Nami, I’ll see you later. Thank you, for everything.”

“You’re really going back out there,” Nami followed Buffy and I.

“They need back up. Angel and Spike can’t go outside. Did I mention sunlight is the kiss of death for them? I know Ddyvays and how they fight and how best to kill them, so I’m the best for this.” I tossed open the locker and helped myself to some knives and I took out the axe I had stolen from Cliff Castle.

Angel appeared behind Nami and Julio with a long coat. “You’ll need the cover.” He tossed it to me.

It was enough to hide the weaponry. “Thanks. Nami, Julio, be safe. We’ve got to go.”

“You could get killed,” Nami said, putting a hand on my shoulder. 

“That’s true most nights. This is what we do, Nami. I can handle a few Ddyvays. I’ve been killing them since I was younger than Suzume.” I smiled. “It’ll be okay.”

“Ready, Connor?” Buffy asked.

I flashed my most feral grin. “Always.”

“You’re the one who needs to stay safe, Connor.” Nami patted my shoulder before stepping aside. 

“Don’t worry. And if you can, bring me some of our cold cases again at some point. I’m going to be _so_ bored waiting to be able to go back to work,” I said, and she laughed at me.

“I will.”

“Buffy, let’s go hunting.” I almost pitied any of the Ddyvays who crossed my path. All the angst of the last twenty-four hours was going to come pouring out of me, but I couldn’t imagine a better target than them.


	30. Dawn

Chapter Thirty – Dawn

_So don't be afraid to let them show_  
Your true colors  
True colors are beautiful  
I see your true colors  
Shining through  
**True Colors – Cyndi Lauper**

Lorne’s beach house was amazing. Who knew the club life paid so well? Then again he headlined in Vegas for several years pulling down the big bucks. He’d had bought some of my art for display in both his club in Vegas and the one here in L.A. I was eternally grateful. He certainly helped my career. I hadn’t been expecting a surprise party at his place with all our friends. Hell, I had nearly missed it. 

Xander, Dascha, Willow, Iris, and Mary Ellen sat with Lorne and Andrew at the tiki hut bar set in the sand off the expansive back porch of Lorne’s home. Connor was a little ways off, running along the surf because I’m not sure he knew how to stay still. He canted off toward the bar, probably in search of refreshment. Buffy, Angel and Spike sat in beach chairs in the warm, dry sand overlooking the surf. There was an empty chair between the two vampires and another on the other side of my sister. I took that one.

“I couldn’t believe you just took off for three days.” Buffy eyed me over her strawberry mojito. Lorne, unsurprisingly, had a fantastic cocktail bartender waiting on us.

“Well, you’re coming back to New York with me. I figured a few days of a break from each other wouldn’t be a bad thing. I went sightseeing,” I replied as Angel shifted on his lounge chair next to Buffy. He was watching Drusilla, however, I noticed. She had been talked into a sun dress and sandals, but she had those off and was cavorting in the sand with the glee of a child.

“Alone?” Buffy arched her eyebrows at me because she knew damn well I hadn’t been.

Before I could answer, Andrew zoomed in and sat next to me, parking his butt on the sand. “Dawn, I’m so glad I got back before you had to leave for home.”

“How’d Portland go?” I knew of at least one or two people who might have been happier had his case of the Black-Eyed Kids had gone on longer.

“Fascinating, truly fascinating.” He swirled the martini he held, trying to look sophisticated. “Buffy said you were out playing tourist.”

“I was. I went to Vegas,” I replied.

“Aw, I love Vegas,” Angel muttered.

“Well, you have a wife you could take,” Connor called, sauntering up with a stout in hand. Bare footed, he looked as casual as I’d ever seen him when he wasn’t full of bullet holes. He wore bright blue swim trunks and his _Póg mo thóin_ \- Irish as Feck T-shirt. “I was not inviting you on a romantic date.”

“Date? With _him_?” Andrew glared so hot I’m shocked Connor’s beer didn’t boil out of the pint glass. “She’s married, you know.”

“You know how you tried to fuck me over with her soon to be ex? It sounded like so much fun we decided to give it a whirl.” Connor grinned so ferally I almost felt sorry for Andrew but not really. He created far too much of his own drama. Connor clapped a hand on Andrew’s shoulder shaking him. “Thanks for that.”

I tugged Connor over to me. His hand was warm and hard, but he bent to my will easily enough. He leaned against my chair. “So, not alone in Vegas,” I said to Buffy. “Connor got us a room in the Venetian and the Tao beach pool was _amazing_.”

“The Venetian knows how to do it right,” Lorne said, strolling over a Cosmo in hand. “Glad you had a good time, kitten.”

“I did. We went to a restaurant called The Blackout. It’s a set menu and you eat in complete darkness wearing night vision googles. I thought Connor was nuts when he got us reservations there, but it was so much fun.”

“I occasionally have good ideas.” He slipped his arms around my neck and dropped a kiss onto my crown. Was he showing off for Andrew or Buffy? Oh sure, some of it was for me and me alone but I knew baiting when I saw it.

“Very occasionally,” Buffy sniffed. 

“Don’t hate on me because your husband is lame and doesn’t take _you_ to Vegas.”

“That is not…actually he has a point.” Buffy eyed Angel.

“I didn’t think you liked Vegas. I will gladly take you to there and I won’t make you eat in a pitch-black room.” He smirked.

I rolled my eyes. All we needed was for father and son to get sniping at each other again. Maybe I should send Connor for a drink for me or have him take me for a walk along the surf. 

“Oi, Dru,” Spike called, derailing my thoughts. “What are you doing?”

I turned and spotted her down at the water’s edge, staring out over it as she danced in and out getting her toes wet.

“I want to walk on the waves,” she called back.

Spike rubbed his face. “Soul or no, she’s still barmy as hell.”

“We can almost do that,” Connor said, stripping off his shirt. He grabbed a body board from the little stash Lorne had near the bar that led out to his private beach. 

He caught Drusilla by the waist, lifting her up as he ran out into the waves. Effortlessly Connor jumped on the board and set her down on it. He held her against him as they skimmed down the surf until it spat them out on the sand. She laughed loudly through it all, and then raced up the sand and tossed herself down in the chair between Angel and Spike. She grabbed both their hands as Connor returned more sedately.

“It was like flying!” Dru cried, utterly entranced by the experience.

“Never thought I’d see you play nice with a vampire,” Buffy said to Connor as he put the board back.

“My parents did that to her.” He nodded to Dru. “I feel like I owe her something.”

“You don’t,” Angel said softly. “I do.”

“Even so.” He shrugged.

“Do you surf too?” I asked before either of them could get maudlin. I wanted to have fun my last days here, which might be selfish of me, but I couldn’t help it. I was going to face a lot of depressing days as Chris and I hashed out the divorce.

“I do. I hardly ever have time, but I do. Turns out I like playing in the ocean which I wouldn’t have guessed. When I first saw it, that terrible evening, I thought it was empty and it scared me. Fred told me it was all hidden underneath and she was right. I’ve been scuba diving too.”

“Oh, the night you did…well what you did to Angel,” I said, realizing this was hardly a better topic.

Connor shook his head.

“He means the day Holtz died. I made a very large error that night,” Angel said. “I should have taken Connor with me to meet him and talk it out. Instead I had Gunn and Fred take Connor with them. If I had him with me, he would have seen I didn’t kill Holtz.”

“But you didn’t because everyone always lied to me either to my face or by omission, you, Father, Fred and Gunn, Cordy, my daughter. It’s no wonder lies drive me insane.” Connor made an awful sound like the breaking of a heart. “So, I pick a job where people lie to my face every day. Go figure.”

“Are you going back to it?” I asked, honestly curious.

“Yes, for a few more years yet. Then I do think I would like to go to Ireland, turn Watcher. But I can do this at least another decade, I think. I’d like to see my god kids through to college.” He sighed. 

“I’d like to see you go to Ireland for a while,” Angel said. “But keep out of the family cemetery this time.”

Connor snorted. “No shit. I think my plans for honoring the family name will run to my newly planned tattoo.”

Angel narrowed his eyes. “Where do you think you’re fitting that?”

“Don’t be a dick-hole. I have plenty of empty skin. I plan to add the Lynch family crest next to the Holtz one as a castle banner on my Cliff Castle tattoo.” Connor patted his side.”

I cocked my head. “Lynch? That’s the family name?”

Connor nodded. “Unless I’ve done the research wrong. The Lynches were an important family in Galway at that time.”

“They were, very much so,” Angel said. “And you’re not wrong. Your birth certificate should have read Connor Lynch.”

“You’re Liam Lynch?” Buffy side eyed him and Angel nodded.

“Who knows, maybe I’ll take that name when I have to become whoever I’ll be after Detective Devlin’s run is over. But I do plan on going back to Ireland before long, if only for vacation.”

“It’s too bad you didn’t spend more time there already,” I said. “You could have absorbed the accent.”

“It would have made me much sexier and I could use all the help I can get.”

“Aw, Connor, don’t be so mean to yourself.” I reached over and took his hand.

“It’s true. I’m not ugly, more average than anything and that’s okay. At least I don’t have more hair than brain cells,” he replied, and Spike spewed his beer.

“Connor!” Angel barked as Spike choked and wiped his mouth.

“Darla told you that one! I’ve heard her say it before!” Spike said. 

“Darla, if you can hear me, that isn’t funny,” Angel grumbled, and I tried not to laugh at how grumpy he looked.

“Is that all your mother does? Make fun of your dad?” Buffy asked.

“No, she talks smack about you too, but I figure it this way, he killed her the first time around for you so she might not be thrilled about this relationship.” He shrugged and it looked like another conversation I might want to steer around.

“Well, if it helps, I think you’re more than average,” I said, and Buffy rolled her eyes.

He pulled me down into a kiss.

“No one needs to see that,” Spike groaned.

“Don’t make me agree with Spike about anything,” Angel said

“What does that mean? You know what I don’t miss living in London, having to look at your big face,” Spike said.

“Trust me, I’m just as thrilled to not have to deal with you!”

“This is going to go on all night,” I sighed. “I’m going to go visit with Xander and Willow.” I nodded to where they sat with their spouses at the bar. “Come with me.”

Connor shook his head. “We had Vegas together. Go visit with your friends. I’m going to stay and throw fuel on the fire.”

“Why?” Buffy dug her fingers into the sand, maybe to keep them from going around his neck.

He beamed in a way that made me doubt his sanity. “It’s fun.”

“Okay you stay here and be an ass, which I’m fairly sure is genetic at this point.” I wagged my head. “I’m getting a drink.”

Connor laughed obviously not put out to be called an ass. Buffy went with me but Dru stayed behind and judging by her comment ‘but Daddy was always better at that,’ was helping her ‘little brother’ in throwing gasoline on that nonsense. I gladly sat at the bar with my friends who were deep into conversation. Andrew flirted with Lorne’s bartender.

“So, Vegas?” Willow beamed at me as Buffy and I sat on the bar stools. “Anything we should know?”

Iris nudged Willow at her salacious tone. Buffy made a face.

“Only that Faith was _so_ right about Connor.”

“Oh I know that,” Mary Ellen replied with a wistful expression.

“Ah, you too,” I said, not really surprised.

“Before Spike. Connor is a great tumble but so closed off. Spike’s not but at least Connor doesn’t smoke.”

“Good luck breaking Spike of that habit.” Buffy snorted.

“I know. Ridiculous man.”

“Are you already going back home?” Xander pouted at me. “We’ve hardly had time to visit.”

“Sorry. I just want this divorce to go quickly. After that I can come back for a proper visit,” I promised “With hopefully no monsters.”

“I hope so. The kids have been planning things to drag you too.”

I chuckled. “So have Connor’s god kids. When I get back, we should all get together.”

“I still can’t believe he does anything with children,” Buffy said, glancing over her shoulder as Spike and Angel’s voices grew louder and Connor’s wicked laughter floated on the breeze. “You know, it’s going to be a shame for him to have recovered from being shot six times only to have me murder him here and toss his body into the ocean.”

“Too close to shore for that, kitten.” Lorne collected two bright blue drinks from his bartender and handed them to me and Buffy. “Specialty of the house.”

I sipped it, so deliciously sweet. “Thanks Lorne. And Buffy you wanted Connor to have a relationship with his dad. Don’t whine because he does now.”

She shot me stink eye. “This is not what I had in mind.”

“Whatever made you think he would have a normal relationship?” Wes asked.

“Temporary insanity.” Buffy sighed. “Guys, I’m heading to New York with Dawn. Keep an eye on Angel for me. Don’t let Connor make him insane.”

“I heard that,” Connor said, walking up the sand, obviously content with the raging bonfire he’d left behind. “It’s my god given duty to make my father insane. Holtz swore I did it ten times a day. Why should Angel get off easy?”

“This is what you went to Vegas with.” Buffy shoved me lightly.

“I’ll find things to keep Connor busy,” Wes promised “But it won’t be easy. He’s off work for at least another six weeks.”

“That is a lot of making Angel nuts time,” Buffy muttered.

“Take him to New York,” Connor suggested. “He could use a vacation or better yet pack him up and mail him to London with Spike.”

“Hell no,” Mary Ellen cried.

“Maybe he will want to go. He’s good moral support for Dawn and might deter Chris if he decides to be an asshole.” Buffy said.

“I’m fine with that,” I replied. 

“Oh and just so you know Dru gets off on those two slugging it out.” Connor flung a hand back to where Spike and Angel were still raging. “She’s over there tossing matches on it.”

Buffy sighed and handed me her drink. “Let’s end this, Mary Ellen.”

Connor stole her seat when she stalked off with Mary Ellen. I watched them handle the vampires. I would miss this when I went. I hadn’t realized how much I missed being part of the group.

“I’m not sure I’m staying in New York,” I said. “Wes, you and I should talk about maybe reassigning me.”

“Of course. Whenever you’re ready to tackle that,” he replied.

I wasn’t sure when I would be but I knew that I might want a change of scenery, a place I wouldn’t accidentally run into Chris ten years down the road and have to explain why I looked so good for my age. I wanted a vibrant art scene. Maybe I would come to L.A. Certainly Connor, with all his unique qualities some of which mirrored mine, would be fun to hang out with, to see if there was something between us but I wasn’t quite ready to jump into another relationship. Maybe London and visit with Spike? I didn’t know but I was nervous about the future. Still I had time to make a decision. I hadn’t even heard Wes’s suggestions yet.

Laughing at Buffy and Mary Ellen driving all three of our vampires into the surf, I realized I wasn’t just nervous. I was excited for what came next and that was a good thing to be. I lifted my glass in a silent toast to the future, whatever may come.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awards won 
> 
> [](https://imgur.com/TBMma3u)   
>    
> 


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